For all you Jersey kids out there, yesterday’s game title is, “Holland Tunnels Yanks.”  For all you Jersey kids out there who have been stuck in traffic in the Holland Tunnel on a hot day, “Holland Dutch Ovens the Yankees.”  For all of you history nerds, “Holland Takes Back New Amsterdam.”  By the way, I’d be surprised if I was the first person who thought of this, but I’ve never heard it before, so here goes:  What is New Jersey shaped like?  Kid from Kid ‘n Play.  It is totally rocking the flat-top.  Right?  Damn, I totally would’ve failed me a Rorschach test.  So Derek Holland put two peaches together yesterday and made a plum of a start with the line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 2 BBs and 7 Ks.  Holland is what he is, which is a decent 3rd to 4th fantasy starter.  The Stream-o-Nator predicted this beaut.  Know why?  The Yankees aren’t good usually (23rd overall for OPS), but are hideous vs. lefties (27th overall).  These aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees.  Right now, George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave, though that is partially because he was facing Billy Martin.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  As he gets his first start in a week.  The Rangers hate themselves some upside.  They threw Chris Davis to the wolves, refuse to promote Olt, letting Profar hang out to dry.  If you’re not going to play Profar, send him to the minors so he can at least play.  That doesn’t sound like rocket science.  Jurickson?  More like the Rangers are Jurickin’ him some?  Amiright?  Rightrightrightright?

Brett Gardner – Didn’t start due to a head cold.  His fever was always burning since the germs been turning.  Foreign Mets, July 31st brings homeless vets, Rolaids, bat crack, Chris Getz!  Hypodermics in Braun’s butt, McCourts under martial law, rock ‘n jock, bullpen wars, I can’t take it anymore!

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Just 20 more starts like that and I’ll trust you.  Shoot, I shouldn’t give him any smart ideas.  Now he’s gonna pitch well for two months just to sucker me in to an explosion.

Mike Trout – 4-for-5, 1 run.  I was watching BBQ Pitmasters the other day and Myron was talking about how you have to inject the meat to keep it moist.  I started thinking about what I’d like to inject in Mike Trout.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tigers.  Damn, he’s money, right?  Yeah, I don’t think so.  I haven’t liked him in about two years.  I wonder if off of the strength of this start you can trade Jered before he takes his over-sized pants back home to face the Cardinals.

Peter Bourjos – Didn’t start another game, that’s four in a row now.  You know who doesn’t mind this?  J.B. “Don’t Give A” Shuck.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That’s not quite as good as you want from him, but a whole lot better than you were expecting.  Confounding expectations, which is the name of my high school band when I went by the moniker General Gist and dressed up like a soldier with an ascot.  What?  It was the 80’s.

Joaquin Benoit – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  In case we’ve forgotten that he’s the closer because it’s been almost two weeks since his last save, Benoit was used yesterday in a tie game as a closer would be used (9th inning at home).  This was brought to you by the Committee To Keep Papelbon Out Of Motown.  Or K-Poom, who is not related to K-Fed.

Jose Valverde – Accepted his Triple-A assignment.  He’ll be working the 8th inning behind Kenny Powers.

Taylor Jordan – Will take over Haren’s spot in the rotation for the foreseeable future.  Like some of you, the first thing I do when a prospect is called up is search the site to see what Prospect Scott said.  Rarely do I find a guy who hasn’t been covered or the info is dated.  So, when I searched for Taylor Jordan, I found a mention of Michael Taylor by Scott and I found mentions by me of Julie Taylor, Lawrence Taylor, the country Jordan, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jordan Sparks, which I spelled wrong.  At least I stay on topic!  There’s a good drinking game in there, choose a random word — let’s say kerfuffle — and as many posts that show up is how many shots you have to do.  (BTW, you wouldn’t even get buzzed from kerfuffle.  Search schmotato and you’ll have alcohol poisoning.)  So, I gotta go it alone with Taylor Jordan since he wasn’t mentioned at all as far as I could see.  In that alone tells you something, he wasn’t well-regarded in the minors.  He was virtually unheard of for fantasy as of this March.  Last year, he had a 4+ ERA in Single-A with a 6+ K-rate, but he was returning from Tommy John surgery.  This year, he’s ripping the tag off the party and waiting for someone to call the cops.  He has a 0.83 ERA in Double-A through 54 innings with a 7+ K-rate.  He looks like a guy that could surprise for a few starts (especially his first vs. the Mets), but I don’t think he’s a long-term answer for fantasy or the Nats.  The nice thing is his downside looks minimal because he posts sub-2 walk rates.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d bid a few dollars and hope for a nice ride; in mixed leagues, it’s on a need a streamer basis, but I’d give him a whirl vs. the Mets, definitely.  And this is just about the longest blurb I’ve ever written about– There it is!  A new world record!

Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 2.41 ERA on the year, but was out-pitched by Patrick Corbin 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with a 2.22 ERA on the year.  If you saw that coming in March, you’re a time traveler.  I demand you go back and sell my Boston Market stock in the summer of 1998.  Now!  Go!  I’ll give you 20% commission.

Adam Eaton – Resumed rehab and could return sometime soon after the All-Star Break.  Siri, could you remind me to pick Adam Eaton during the All-Star Break?  “Grey, there are four Tandoori restaurants in your vicinity that you can eatin’ at.”

Aaron Hill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and first homer since his injury.  Been looking pretty solid since his return.  Good to see since hand injuries can be tricky — it’s an illusion!

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer and third in the last three games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need to wait to see him there, you’re probably not picking him up anyway.  So why do you waste my time?  Oh, come here, I can’t get mad at you.  Let’s air hug.  There, that better?

Carlos Gomez – Supposed to return today.  He’ll know for sure after batting practice.  Have to see how it Gomezes.

Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Whoa, not too shabby–Oh, he had 4 more unearned runs.  Yeah, he’s hot garbage on the back of a camel in the Sahara.

Josh Beckett – Began a throwing program, but it’s still possible he gets shutdown for the year.  Bad year for Jeters, the real one and Red State Jeter.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Send me a sign when you’re going to start pitching up to your potential, because this is frickin’ ridiculous.  Or simply fridiculous!  The Phils are not this good and you’re in Dodger Stadium?  13 baserunners?  With those kind of numbers, you gotta strand more people than Oceanic Airlines.  And a 3.94 ERA on the year?  I could’ve got that shizz from Jonathan Effin’ Pettibone!  Someone play that crappy Coldplay song, I Will Fix You, so Greinke gets himself right.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals.  You will do, Not Puig, you will do.

John McDonald – The Phils acquired him from the Indians.  Phils management said they wanted to get younger.  I didn’t think they meant compared to Charlie Manuel.

Delmon Young – 4-for-4, which comes after a 2-for-4 game with a homer.  He’s around a 15-homer, .270 hitter on the year, which is death for the whole year, but nothing says you can’t grab him now while he’s doing well.

Chase Utley – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  I will say this in his favor, when he does play, he hits.

Corey Kluber – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wait a minute, why did I wake up in a bathtub of ice?  Oh, God, what is that smell?  Why is my anus pulled out of my body and watching Montel?!  WHY MONTEL?!?  Damn, Kluber, you got me good.  Well, it obviously wasn’t the kind of start you wanted, but he was singled to death, very few balls were hit hard and he gets the Royals next.  Yeah, I’m holding him.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  He is hitting near .375 in the last week, but this is his first homer since being recalled and he can’t hit lefties (.087).  That’s below dead on arrival, which is .187.

Miguel Gonzalez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Should’ve went with this schmohawk over Kluber.  Gonzalez now has five straight quality starts, and has better all around numbers than Greinke.  Damn you, Quentin!  I thought for a long time I’d have written on my tombstone, “I told you I was ill,” but now I might just have, “Damn you, Quentin!”

Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  He’s hitting close to .500 in the last week with 3 homers.  Hot schmotatoes are completely without prejudice, unlike Paula Deen.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Had it been that long since his last big game?  Well, he did hit a homer the other day, but he was 1-for-16 this week, so there ya go.

Samuel Deduno – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has a barely 5 K-rate and Deduno’s is a pizza place that makes you violently sick.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t believe it either if I didn’t see it with my piercing brown eyes that are said to mesmerize.

Jeremy Hefner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You can’t stop Zack Wheeler from getting called up now!  (Though I kinda wish you could’ve for his last start since I didn’t need what Wheeler gave me.  The Mets said Wheeler was tipping his pitches.  Yeah, sure, before each pitch he was yelling, “This is gonna be a ball; don’t swing!”)

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Would’ve been a real nice batty call yesterday, but he was also hot about a week ago so it wouldn’t be insane to get a little bit of a battachment going.

David Price – Scoreless in rehab game.  He says he’s ready to pitch for the Rays.  I say, “Save me from Greinke being my ace, please.”

Brad MillerMariners called him up to take over for Brendan Ryan, but Ryan had a good UZR!  Miller is the Nick Franklin of shortstops.  Here’s what Prospect Scott said, “Miller can hit.  Since debuting as a pro in 2011, the 23-year-old has hit .341/.414/.513 across Low-, High-, and Double-A.  Folks spewed the same doubts about Allen Craig a few years back (about his defense), but the bat always finds a way, my friends.  Miller’s bat will play in the bigs.  It would also play well by hitting Grey’s melon.”  Hey!  What’s the big idea?  Miller was tearing up Triple-A this year (.350 with 5 homers and 2 steals in 25 games), which came after churning through Double-A (.294, 6 homers, 4 steals in 42 games).  He looks nearly identical to Franklin bat-wise.  I grabbed Miller in a mixed league, and I suggest you do the same if you’re hurting at middle infield.

Chien-Ming Wang – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Little Miss Chien-Ming Wang sucks.  You can’t Spin Doctor those first starts otherwise.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, but left the game with a jammed hip when he slipped off the mound.  He said he didn’t know what happened, but there was this patch of suntan lotion on the mound.

Clay Buchholz – MRI showed inflammation in his shoulder’s bursa sac.  When someone told him to sack up, he took it literally.

Drew Pomeranz – Will take over Nicasio’s rotation spot.  Pomeranz had a 4.20 ERA in Triple-A, and now heads to Coors.  If you pick him up, you have nuts in your coconut.

Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-4, 1 run, batting .351.  Meanwhile, Helton’s hitting .240 and playing 1st base when Cuddyer could be playing there and saving himself from possible injury.  Someone should tape Helton’s mouth, put him in a gorilla suit and send him to Africa.

Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, 2.13 ERA.  Well, it’s obviously time to reevaluate since it looks like Tyler Chatwood is more than a gay porn star that can tie things with his tongue.  His K-rate is just below 7 and his walk rate is just below three.  Shorthand:  He’s a usable streamer.  Longhand:  At one point, he was a well-regarded prospect, but that got derailed for a while in the minors.  He’s obviously found himself like a hero of a Young Adult Novel, The Perks of Being A Young Pitcher, anyone?  No?  Okay.  At 23 years old, he could be more than a usable streamer at times this year and could even take a step forward to be shallow, mixed league ownable.  It’s just very hard for me to recommend a Rockie starter, so I’m not grabbing him anywhere.  I’m glad we had this Chat…wood.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 7th steal.  I don’t want to say anything for fear I might jinx it, so I’ll write it instead.  Castro’s been on fire since his benching.  Sveum is a genius!  (I wonder if Sveum needs the spellchecker to spell out genius like I do.  Hmm…)  Castro still has a long way to go, but at least it looks like he’s headed in the right direction.  Castro, keep drinking from the catch-up bottle!

Dioner Navarro – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I don’t even want to look to see if Navarro or Salvador Perez are higher on our Player Rater because I don’t want to depress myself.

Ryan Sweeney – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal.  Strange Prediction of the Day!  *flashy graphics announcing the SPotD, people cheering, wearing crazy college-themed face paint screaming SPotD*  My SPotD:  Sweeney is 10 team mixed league viable by August.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!  Cubs have to be extremely happy with this start.  Right now, they’re seeing if Alfonso Soriano can fit inside Garza’s suitcase.

Kevin Gregg – Also, being shopped by the Cubs, which would make James Russell the closer, unless he’s traded too, then Joe Pepitone would become the closer.  Theo Epstein said yesterday, “Everyone is for sale–*muffled* See, if you can fit Soriano in Gregg’s tote bag.”

 
  1. RalphW says:
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    Jose Bautista or Matt Kemp

    • Piranhaman says:
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      @RalphW: sadly, Kemp couldn’t be better than Joey Bats. he still has a shoulder issue.

  2. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Miller or Sweeney ROS for Util

  3. RalphW says:
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    Taylor Jordan isn’t on the yahoo roster yet

    • Jason says:
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      @RalphW: nor CBS

  4. Thurman says:
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    neither is brad miller :(

  5. Worlds First Analrapist says:
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    6×6 (OBP, QS)

    Brad Miller or Cozart?

  6. Heraldo says:
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    Yahoo 10-team Redraft league question:
    Rendon, Profar, or Brad Miller at 2B?

    Thanks.

  7. Yeshcheese says:
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    Saw C Hamels for P Corbin yesterday. Didn’t even care, it actually seemed fair…

  8. Matthew says:
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    Great Coming To America reference.

    2 things. Usually Yahoo posts the player whose called up if they haven’t already been or aren’t preseason ranked the day they’re officially called up.

    Also, I have Andrua at SS and Lowrie at 2B because Rutledge didn’t work out because the call down, since being called up, meh. So would you drop Rutledge for Miller OR keep Lowrie at 2B, bust Andrus at SS and pick up Leonys for a Bench/UTIL spot.

    Amen.

  9. VinnyCora says:
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    Which one of these groups of players would you take home and introduce to Mama Grey and which would you make put on a pair of heels and face the corner? Trying to win a bet.

    Shelby, Ryu, Dickey, Estrada, Segura, Holliday, Craig, Puig, Zobrist, Arenado, Alonso

    or

    Harvey, Price, Cobb, YoGa, K-Jansen, Stanton, R Zim, Castro, Heyward, Didi, Eaton

      • costaricanchata says:
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        @Grey:

        ” oh , Grey , honey , if you’re going to show Giancarlo your bedroom ,
        leave the door open , please . “

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Hahaha

  10. Chump Change says:
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    Jedd Gyorko for my Matt Garza?

    I already have Pedroia and Rendon in my 2b and MI slots, would Jedd be an upgrade?

    • Josh O.

      JoshO says:
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      @Chump Change: Depends on needs. Relatively fair in a vacuum. Gyorko may be slight upgrade on Rendon. But if Garza is useful on your staff, I probably wouldn’t do that.

  11. chunk says:
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    miller or rutlege?

    • Jack Full of Hate says:
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      @chunk: I’ve waited all morning for this question

  12. c0wfunk says:
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    Woud ya Keep Rutledge or arenado to activate gyorko when ready?

    • c0wfunk says:
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      @c0wfunk: meant which would you drop? Or keep? Or either… Insomnia has damaged communications..blah.

      • Wake Up says:
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        @c0wfunk: keep Arenado

  13. Iguy says:
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    Aaron Hill or Howie Kendrick going forward for Roto?

  14. malamoney

    malamoney says:
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    Trade Wil Myers to get Garza?

    • Birdog says:
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      @malamoney: boy I sure would

      • malamoney

        malamoney says:
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        @Birdog: Really? Would you sooner give up Austin Jackson? I am trying to get Cole Hamels from him instead.

        H2H points league.

        • Birdog says:
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          @malamoney: Would love to hear Grey or JB’s thoughts. If it’s me, I prefer your first trade, giving Myers for Garza. In their last 3 outings, Garza has an ERA of .82, a WHIP of .91 and more than a K per inning. Hamels’ ERA in last 3 outings is 5.21, WHIP of 1.42 and slightly less K’s. I also would keep Jackson over Myers if it were my team. Proven commodity. I like to grab prospects and trade them for proven guys as soon as they have their first hot streak, not keep them and hope for a Bryce Harper repeat which rarely happens.

          • malamoney

            malamoney says:
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            @Birdog: Thanks for the insight. Something about Garza that I just don’t like. Guy has good numbers and it is likely will be traded to a contender, but I would just rather have Hamels.

            The guy I am negotiating with has a loaded staff: Kershaw, Shields, Grienke, Hamels, Garza, Ryu and he just acquired Nat-Gio. We only start 4. He needs a 4th OF though. He hasn’t started Garza once this season.

            Would love to hear Grey’s and JB’s thoughts.

          • Jack Full of Hate says:
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            @Birdog: you mean Trout…I prefer a Braun to tab my rookies

      • malamoney

        malamoney says:
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        @Grey: It’s a keeper league. We can only keep 4. I wouldn’t keep Garza and I don’t think he would keep Myers. Is Garza enough/more than enough for Myers. Should I hold out for Hamels?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I’d want more for Myers

          • malamoney

            malamoney says:
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            @Grey: Would you mind naming a starter or two that you’d target.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Why are you selling Myers in a keeper league?

  15. griff says:
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    Grey,
    In a dynasty roto, would you drop viciedo and pick up leonys martin?

    • Jack Full of Hate says:
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      @griff: depends on need

  16. ChooChoo says:
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    “With those kind of numbers, you gotta strand more people than Oceanic Airlines” Laughed my Mother #$%@%$? @55 off!.

  17. ChooChoo says:
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    P.S. Would you start Phelps against the O’s tonight? That line-up is pretty nasty and every time Buck Showalter plays the Yanks he has that “I wanna rape your first born” look on his face.

  18. mauledbypandas says:
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    The Rangers gave Chris Davis like 900 something ABs over 3 years to succeed. I think they may have given up on him a little too early, but threw him to the wolves? meh

    • Jack Full of Hate says:
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      @mauledbypandas: good point, I think this is more an indictment of their inability to develop hitters within….

  19. cubjet says:
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    Excellent column as usual!!

    I want to grab Erasmo.

    Would you drop Cashner and wait for his callup?

    My other option is I have a logjam of 2B/3B

    2B:Altuve, Carpenter, Rendon

    3B:Carpenter, Rendon, Headley, Frazier

    Would you drop Frazier, Headley, or Rendon?
    Thanks in advance.

    • TheNewGuy says:
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      @cubjet: Scott has got everyone jizzing over Erasmo. Is he really that good?

      • Terse

        Terse says:
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        @TheNewGuy: he’s pretty filthy

        • malamoney

          malamoney says:
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          @Terse: When do we see him in Seattle?

          • uncdrew says:
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            @malamoney:

            Perhaps today. Not on the mound of course, but you might see him at Pike’s Market watching them toss fishies around.

      • jim says:
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        @Grey:

        Would it be fair to drop Cole for Erasmo after today?

        K’s are suffering

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Sure

  20. Brett says:
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    Would you trade garza and cashner for grienke

  21. Ernie says:
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    Only one spot to hold. Who is best: kluber santiago chatwood? Thanks

  22. MrMojoRisin says:
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    Kerfluffle
    I don’t have Sally Perez in an roto leagues, but in points leagues he’s been a top 6 catcher for the last 2 months.
    Kerfluffle
    And that includes his 12 day funeral kerfluffle.
    Kerfluffle
    (I’m gonna get someone drunk early!!!)

  23. RandomItalicizedVoice says:
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    So true about Siri. Just about the most overhyped useless piece of crap software ever.

    • farcus says:
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      @RandomItalicizedVoice: I dunno, Siri’s kinda like a handy, nice to have when you’re driving, but otherwise you’d probably rather get things done a different way.

  24. Phil says:
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    should I drop josh Rutledge for brad miller?

    • shibboleth says:
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      Kerfuffle is a great word. @Phil: watching this space closely… I had such high hopes for Rutledge and all he’s done is pull my underwear over my head and give me a wet willie

      • malamoney

        malamoney says:
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        @shibboleth: I feel like he ate my Eggo! I too am wondering if I should drop Rutledge for Miller. Rutledge seems to sit every few days as well. He save me last year when Tulo went down, but doesn’t appear to be able to repeat this year…

  25. FMFBL says:
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    What’s your take and predictions on this Arcia kid on the Twins? Looks like the power is legit. Great stuff as always!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @FMFBL: Thanks! His power is legit, nothing but a 5th outfielder this year

  26. The Thumb says:
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    Are you benching Greinke until you see anything hopeful?

    His next starts are @COL, @ARI, vsCOL.

  27. TheNewGuy says:
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    YoGa, Hamels, now Grienke. What has happened to these aces of old! How have they all started to majorly decline despite not even reaching 30 yet?? Talk about an early decline, shows you never know what youre getting with friggin pitchers.

    Oh yeah and Verlander aint been nearly as dominant either.

    Like you sure am looking forward to finally getting Price back!

    Bench Leake I presume when the Reds head to Arlington, but would you start Latos? At least hes been acelike like (stutterer!) youd expect this year.

    • Yeshcheese says:
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      @TheNewGuy: Greinke is like Lincecum. They both stopped throwing their Slider (mostly) for longevity. They didn’t want TJ at 29.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @TheNewGuy: I’d start Latos everywhere

  28. Monkey?! Monkey?! I’m an ape you f**king clown! I know, I know Beeks got sent to Africa. Cuddyer is taking care of business!

  29. Carns says:
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    “We’ll see how it Gomezes” wow Grey

  30. Hondo says:
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    Offered Medlen and Reyes for Strasburg.
    Yo estoy muy stupido or no? Or meh?

    Nats fan here and also can’t stand sitting Franklin and need to clear a spot for Price.

    • Sherm says:
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      @Hondo: Went to my first game in Nationals Park yesterday. What fun. We sat six rows up along the right-field foul line and got peppered by foul balls off of late swings on Strasburg’s heater. He was only throwing 95-97, yow. Great game, too bad they lost. They need Harper back in the worst way.

      Nats radio said afterwards Stras is getting 2.2 runs of support this year. I like the guy, but for fantasy baseball I’d want someone more likely to get that (curly) W.

      • Hondo says:
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        @Sherm:

        Make sure you check the seating before you go.I went a game last year in August when it was 100 degrees.Everyone’s shirt was soaking wet from sweat
        Make sure you get a seat in the shade,the place gets Hellish when the concrete heats up and makes it about 120 degrees on a day like that.
        They say you can only bring in 2 bottles of water,but they’ll cut you a break on a day like that.
        I effed up by checking the afternoon seating,but that was from a weird starting time of~ 3PM,instead of where the sun was at a 1:10 starting time.
        I wound up in Hell.