What’s Worse Colonoscopies Or Marathons? First Base Ranks

I try to not be reactionary.  I know it’s a marathon, not a sprint.  I also know that I will not be running a marathon or a sprint any time soon.  Why on earth would you run a marathon?  That’s like over 20 miles.  That’s more than I have run in my entire life altogether.   My sister puts herself into these things for fun, and her hips hurt.  My hips don’t.

I guess I just kinda talked about fantasy baseball as torture in some weird circular writing way.  It’s really not torture unless you’re in a crazy deep dynasty where there’s no prospect limit and guys own like 300 guys.  That is torture.

I subscribe to this theory:  be slow to change opinions on veterans, but fast to adapt to young people.  Hopefully, my ranks reflect this and are helpful.  If they are, or if you like to yell at random writers online, I’m on Twitter at @theEducator23, I post corner IF updates as often as I can.

So if you’re wondering why Triston Casas dropped out so fast, it’s because he’s been terrible and there’s no data to suggest that he’ll get better.  But if you’re wondering why Veteran Bat A didn’t drop with a bad week, there’s data to suggest a rebound will come.  I know this is basic.  Don’t judge me.  Well, fine, judge me in the comments, I don’t care.

So what is worse, a marathon or a colonoscopy?  I’ve never done either, just want to know some opinions.

Valedictorian:

He’s not number one on the player rater, but Pete Alonso is my top guy to feature this week.  8 HR in April.  8.  He could easily challenge 50 HR as we go on, and 100 R and RBI to boot.  The avg. is up to .292 and Statcast looks like an old slasher movie.  It’s his career year for the Polar Bear.  I think he’s going to put up numbers similar to the other guy from New York who hit 62 last year.

Honor Roll:

Matt Olson:  I got Olson in the third round in every draft I could this season and it looks like it’s paying off.  Even considering his .317 average will go down unless his 34% K rate goes down, he’s going to get over 30 HR and 100 R and RBI.  He’s a mini Polar Bear.  He’s like a polar bear cub, or even a lesser bear such as a grizzly or black bear.  Almost as cute as a koala bear, which isn’t really a bear after all.

Patrick Wisdom:  As a Cub fan, I’ve been notorious for being the low man on Patrick Wisdom.  Patty Smarts to me was emblematic of a cheap replacement player who only got a chance because the Cubs were tanking.  I wasn’t displeased with the offseason;  in fact, I said that the only thing they needed to do now was replace Wisdom with a real player at third base.

To my happy chagrin, Mr.  Smarts has done fine this season.  What’s fueling his surprise Educator Spite Tour is a league average contact rate.  My criticism of him was always the swing and miss in his profile.  I’m making a sorta bold call to rank him here to see if this stabilizes.  If it doesn’t, cut him loose.  If it does, you have a guy guaranteed to get at bats and with some premium power.  Wisdom could have a Kyle Schwarber season, .240 BA with 40 HR which plays in any format.

I looked at Fantrax to see if Mr. Smarts was eligible at first base, and he’s not.  He is in Yahoo eligible at first, third, and outfield.  I called the Fantrax guys to see if that would change, but they said it was not “real baseball” and it’s “fantasy” and that I should appreciate the fact that Fantrax has like all the prospects and Yahoo doesn’t.  They are the Cologuard of websites the Fantrax guy said.  “Yahoo’s eligibility is a feature, not a bug,” says Scott Pianowski, using his favorite phrase, probably.  So if you’re not in Yahoo, Wisdom might not qualify at first base, in which case you wasted your time if you’re looking for a first baseman.

Summary:  Patrick Wisdom is this year’s Christian Walker.

Incomplete Assignments:

Ryan Mountcastle has 19 RBI already at this young juncture of ye olde 2023 Mlb season. Let me know if his average gets above .219, which is where it stands right now.  Of course, if the average stays low the RBI will drop.

Anthony Rizzo is having a great start to the season, batting .315 with 4 HR.  8 R, and 9 RBI seems a bit low, so hopefully he continues to prove me right for pumping him this offseason.  The shift was long a bane of Rizzo.  I like him to still hit over .280 and have a flashback to 2018 Rizzo.

Vinny P on the Royals is hitting fine but only 7 R and 6 RBI.  This is as predictable as flying umbrellas at the Outer Banks in 30 mph winds, or middle school students making fun of people with zits.

Andrew Vaughn came up as an elite power grade prospect.  He has 0 HR.  The White Sox might just not be a well run organization.

Suspended:  Get off these guys if you can

Jose Abreu looks old in the field.  His Statcast metrics are all blue, literally.  The only red on his page is about making outs at a rate above average. On defense, he reminds me of my dad in slow pitch softball when he was a 45 year old second baseman who couldn’t move laterally or bend his knees enough to get a ground ball.  I want no comments about me now being 45, or that awful colonoscopy commercial about not being a spring chicken anymore and having to get something called Cologuard.  I did get one.  Turns out you just poop in a box and mail it in.  But don’t tell my 13 year old daughter, I told her I had to freeze the poop in our freezer before mailing it in and she swore to never eat anything that was frozen ever again.  I even called it a poopcicle.

Jose Abreu is the Cologuard of first base.

I tried to warn you guys about Christian Walker.  Lemme just compare him to Eric Hosmer.

Exit Velocity, hard hit %, max velocity:  Edge Hosmer  That should be all you need to know about the 32 year old Walker.  Last year was the year to have Walker.  Then you should have let someone else get him this year.  Who has two thumbs and faded Walker this season?

Notes on Ranks:

Stats I quote do not reflect a Tuesday slate of games, just an FYI.

Guys are grouped in tiers.

Also considered:  Dominic Smith, Joey Meneses, Jose Miranda, Josh Naylor, Spencer Torkelson, Triston Casas, Brandon Drury

Summer Vacation is soon:

I’m alone on this island, but as far as fantasy production for this season, the top two prospects are both first basemen:  Kyle Manzardo and Matt Mervis.  We have a prospect guy, and he’ll talk about them more.  I don’t think there are two guys in the minors in our game who are more ready to contribute in fantasy leagues.

If you’re asking me to choose one, and I know you didn’t but you’re still reading so what does that say about you, it’s obviously Mervis.  His plate discipline numbers are great in AAA and he’s been good at every level.  The other reason is Trey Mancini and Eric Hosmer.  They are the ones blocking him.  I’m wondering if one of those two guys come up with back spasms or something to give Mash Mervis a chance.

Thanks again for reading!