Tout Wars Recap: It’s Hard To Find Sexy In 12-Team NL-Only, But I Am A Sexy Seeker

True story:  I was walking through the mall in spandex shorts and a headband, strutting really.  The year was 1981.  I was perhaps the most handsome, well-groomed five-year-old the planet had seen.  Okay, a seven-year-old pretending to be a five-year-old.  Who wants to be older?  Not me, Cousin Sweatpants.  So, I’m cruising for chicks, crushing the scenario, when I see this total fox.  I stop her and ask for a name.  She says, “Jennifer Beals,” and I say, “You’re gonna be a star, kid,” then covering my mouth I say how her fame will be short-lived but how she will get some decent character work later in life.  I spotted her sex appeal two years prior to her breakout role in Flashdance.  I can always spot sex appeal.  It’s my cross to bear.  Speaking of crosses to bear, holy Jesus Harry Christ my Tout Wars team is sexy!  The league is 12-team, two-catcher, NL-Only and perhaps the most respected fantasy league in the country.  Sure, we’re still mocked by 99.9% of the world, but a solid chunk of other fantasy baseballers respect the Tout!  Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars team and some thoughts:

YOU HAD ME SET UP FOR SOMETHING SUPER SEXY AND THEN YOU SHOVE DEVIN MESORACO IN MY FACE.  NOT COOL, PARDNER.  BUT, AFTER I SKIM THE HITTING, IT IS KINDA SEXY, I GUESS.  

12-team NL-Only is a deep AF league.  Everyone has holes — that’s what he said right before pleading guilty to sexual harassment!  One team has Dilson Herrera as their MI; another team has Conor Gillaspie as their 3rd baseman.  I just looked at two teams and was able to quickly find (like three seconds tops!) weaknesses on two teams.  No foolsies; everyone’s got issues.  My hitting is sexy as all get-out for this deep of a league.  Giancarlo, Trea, Goldy alone is likely all the hitting I need if they do what’s promised.  Seriously, I could have no MI, CI or 4th and 5th outfielder and be fine with those three on hitting.  Then throw in Keon Broxton, Maikel Franco and Yasmany and my team is like ‘PAH-DOW!”

YOU’RE AVOIDING MENTIONING YOUR PITCHING FOR A REASON, AREN’T YOU?

Sorry, all of those gerunds have me confused by your question.

TRY THIS:  YOUR PITCHING MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

Ah, yeah, so it’s not all peaches n’ cream on Team Albright.  Fair enough.  My strategy was to get an offense I would be happy with, and don’t end a sentence with with — dah!  I’m sick of coming out of these crazy deep leagues with hitting that I hate.  You do enough of these leagues and you’ll understand what I mean.  (No, I’m not justifying having an awful pitching staff!  Okay, maybe a little.)  My goal was to get enough pitching that should throw a decent amount of innings without totally killing me.  Hey, Lackey, Robbie Ray, Sa@&T*Gzija and Chacin might not be gorge, or make you engorged, but they should get their innings.  Somehow I still spent around my norm of $80 on pitching.  I know, I know, where did I spend that much?  Meh, if you want Au Shizz, Giancarlo and Treat Urner, you’re gonna be weak somewhere.

GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M LEARNING SOMETHING.

I love Alen Hanson in crazy deep leagues.  He’s hitting well in spring, the Pirates have a bunch of guys that could go down with injury and he can fill in for all of them, he’s out of options, last year in Triple-A he had 8 HRs and 36 steals, and, no, I’m not lying knowing you won’t double-check me.  Alen Hanson in 12-team mixed leagues is slightly bizzonkers, but in a 12-team NL-Only league?  Yes, please and thank you.

WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THE PUKE YOU’RE CALLING A PITCHING STAFF YOU FORGOT TO MENTION YOU OWN JIM JOHNSON.

Yup, and how about Cody Reed and Sal Romano?

ONE THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT SAL ROMANO — HE REALLY THROWS CHEESE!

Ha, I’m glad we’re having a good time.

I’M HAVING A GOOD TIME BY MOCKING YOU, YOUR PITCHING SUCKS!

Okay, Mr. Al Boldencaps, perhaps I need to break down my thought process a bit more.  Out of $260 spent, according to my values, I came out with $286 worth of fantasy value.  That was better than I was doing in my mock trials I was doing the night before (totally not a dork).  Overall, I need my hitting to be so good that my pitching can be ‘just mediocre’ and get by.  Here’s my War Room totals:

You see the goals (33 for hitting, 14 for pitching), and you see where I am for each category.  I’m way off in Ks and Wins with my ratios and saves likely to be ‘decent enough.’  My hope is the 46 in HRs, 42.2 in SBs and 39.7 in RBIs pushes me so high the pitching won’t matter.  That’s the idea, at least.

BUT, REALLY, SAL ROMANO?

He’s gonna make America grate again!