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This is another ridunkly long post, I’m just going to cut to the chase, like the city of LA going after OJ.  Ah, whatever’s old is new again.  Except, oddly enough, the phrase “whatever’s old is new again” is just old.  The number one thing I’ve learned from watching the OJ TV show?  Marcia Clark perm’d her hair.  She chose to look like that!  Oh, 1990s, you were a glorious time of an irrational fear of STDs and women wearing large bulky sweaters.  All of my 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are there.  As with the other posts, my projections and tiers are noted for every player.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2016 fantasy baseball:

41. James Shields -This tier started in the top 40 starters for 2016 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here to Iwakuma.  I called this tier, “Names.”  This blurb is being brought to you by the onomatopoeia of harumph.  Shields wasn’t terrible last year, he was just awfully confusing, and I prefer to know what to expect.  He had a mid-7 K/9 in his career, then he turns 33 and he puts up a 9.6 K/9.  Harumph.  He had a low-2 BB/9 in his career, last year it was 3.6.  Harumph.  He moved to Petco and had his worst ERA (3.91) in five years.  Harumph.  Maybe he’ll repeat his 9+ K/9, return to his low-2 BB/9 and emerge harumphantly, but I’m not paying to find out.  2016 Projections:  12-12/3.51/1.26/181 in 200 IP

42. Jordan Zimmermann – Here’s what I said this offseason, “The Tigers are doing all of their buying early this year, huh?  They’re like your mom that one year she did all her Christmas shopping about two and a half months before everyone else.  Then the presents sat in your basement until Christmas and, since presents aren’t supposed to sit in a basement that long without being used, the PlayStation got mildew damage and Dad’s cordless shaver batteries seeped.  Then, when Christmas finally rolled around your mom’s talking about how presents aren’t why you celebrate baby Jesus’ birthday and you say if that were true then why was she in such a hurry to buy presents in September?  And she says to shut up and enjoy your starting pitcher with a falling K-rate and a raising xFIP.  Well, if she were the Tigers’ GM.  To quote Gordon Gekko, Jordan Zimmermann is a dog with different fleas.  Last year, he had a 7.3 K/9 after a 8.2 in 2014.  He had a 3.82 xFIP last year, his highest since his rookie year.  He’s always impressed with his lack walks, but even those crept up from 1.3 in 2014 to 1.7 last year.  Oh, and now he goes from the NL East to the AL.  The Tigers should just go out and get a pair of Zubaz to make it official that they just don’t understand bad trends.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2016 Projections:  14-11/3.89/1.24/155 in 198 IP

43. Hisashi Iwakuma – Here’s what I said this offseason, “You know in high school when you broke up with your girlfriend for three days and dated another girl for those three days, but then dumped the new girl and went back to your original squeeze?  That was Iwakuma, the Dodgers and Mariners.  Iwakuma had rebound sex with the Dodgers, who announced they were signing him but didn’t, and he ended up back with the Mariners.  Since the Dodgers didn’t want to be with Hisashi long-term due to an injury, I’m also concerned about him for 2016.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  2016 Projections:  8-8/3.51/1.05/125 in 150 IP

44. Luis Severino – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Stroman.  I call this tier, “Ever heard of Effen Vodka?  Well, I’m drunk on so many effin’ pitchers.”  This tier is another tier of pitchers I like, but they share an unfortunate commonality.  All of these pitchers are guys that others likely will draft before me.  Guys fall though, so you never know.  That’s me pretending to be optimistic.  As for Severino, he looks like an 8.1 K/9 guy going on a 9.5 K/9, and to that I say, *indecipherable drooling*.    I don’t say *indecipherable drooling* lightly either, or without a tissue.  Doode throws smoke, which turns to fire, which turns to burns, which turns to sideburns, which turns to a mustache, which is amazing!  Also, his control last year was a 3.2 BB/9 and he’s never had above 2.6 in the minors, so there’s some legit room to grow.  Oh, and he’s only 22 years old, so he could be a top five pitcher within two years.  Hello, gorge.  So, what’s stopping me from ranking him higher?  About a dozen or so crazy young pitchers that have had uneven years in the past.  2016 Projections:  13-9/3.59/1.22/161 in 175 IP

45. Drew Smyly – He has a 3.24 ERA in 395 career innings with a 8.7 K/9 and 2.8 BB/9.  He’s still only 26 years old.  You Smyly’ing yet?  I’m sorta fascinated, in a non-sexual way, about what Smyly can do.  Last year, in 12 starts, he had a 10.4 K/9.  Could he do that all year?  If he can, you’re looking at a sneaky top 15 pitcher.  Let’s see what else his stats offer… *forgets to look at his stats, plays catch with Ted*  Looks good!  Okay, I didn’t look at anything.  Fine, I will.  He’s all but abandoned his change that never fooled anyone.  He relies on his four-seam fastball that tops out at 91 MPH and returned a 5.3 Wins Above Average, which is 53rd best in the majors.  None of his stats look elite, except his K-rate.  So, what do you make of that?  He figured out where and when to throw the pitches that work — think Dallas Keuchel last year.  That skill set leaves a fine line for success and failure, but worthy of the gamble.  2016 Projections: 8-11/3.42/1.15/154 in 150 IP

46. Marcus Stroman – I almost wrote a sleeper post for Stroman, but at this point it seems like he falls into a category of guys that I like that I’m not ranking high enough to actually own, so that’s not sleeper material.  I do love Stroman, he’s Stroman’ing my pain with his pitches, for Criss Angel’s sake, but it’s easier to list the things I don’t like, so here goes.  His lack of results so far in his third season of being a ‘sleeper.’  His best season (of only two) had a 7.7 K/9 and 1.9 BB/9.  Solid, not fantastic.  His fastball velocity fell last year.   I doubt the Jays take him from 30 IP last year way past 160IP.  His stadium and division aren’t a walk in the park, unless said park is small with good carry.  2016 Projections:  12-7/3.57/1.16/135 in 160 IP

47. Jose Quintana – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hammel.  I call this tier, “They can’t all be *67-this-phone-call-cause-I’m-about-to-catch-charges sexy.”  If you’ve read my rankings before, you’ll know I’m in an area of the program where Hiroki Kuroda made his living.  A Hotline Bling booty call tier?  No.  A friendly-enough person that you could see spending an afternoon with?  Yup.  You are solidly in the third to fourth starter range for your fantasy team.  You will not get goosepimplies reading about these guys, but they’re not terrible to balance out the staff. As for Quintana, or as he should be called, “Maker of a bunch of O, ye of little faiths,” though, that nickname is admittedly lacking.  If Quintana’s momma plays fantasy baseball, and she likely does or dabbles in DFS, then she must be partly annoyed her son gets no respect and partly thrilled she can always draft him cheaply.  In the last three years, he has 200 IP each year and ERAs of 3.51, 3.32 and 3.36.  Last year, his walk rate was a minuscule 1.9.  I prolly should’ve ranked him about 20 spots higher, so I too am a O, ye of little faither.  2016 Projections:  13-10/3.49/1.24/175 in 205 IP

48. Scott Kazmir – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(S)igned with the Dodgers.  Speaking of number three fantasy starters…*confused looked on your face*  I was speaking of them earlier.  You didn’t read earlier, did you?  I obviously don’t have the same power as Kilgrave.  Speaking of Jessica Jones, am I the only one that watches Kilgrave mind control and thinks of Ricardo Montalban controlling Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun?  Any hoo!  Kazmir had the “good but injury-prone” label sticking out of his jersey for a while, but he seemed to rip that tag off and turned his jersey inside out.  After two straight seasons of 180+ IP, I’m willing to project him out for 180 IP this year.  He wouldn’t be the first player to figure out how to stay healthy as he got older.  Also, you don’t want him leaving O.co, but if he must, Dodger Stadium ain’t half bad.  Solid park for pitchers, facing the pitchers in the NL, and facing the Padres hitters a lot who are at times worse than pitchers.  If Kazmir had a 2.55 ERA this year, it wouldn’t shock me.”  And that’s me giving you the Kazsame rather than Kazmore!  2016 Projections:  13-9/3.31/1.17/157 in 178 IP

49. Kyle Hendricks – If we go back to what I said in the top 40 starter post and think a difference of 7 between one’s K-rate and walk rate is borderline ace, then a difference of six is this tier and it’s a number three starter.  Last year, Hendricks had a 8.4 K/9 and 2.2 BB/9.  Easily Hendricks’s best year since he played the Star Spangled Banner then banged Janis Joplin.  2016 Projections:  13-8/3.57/1.13/151 in 180 IP

50. Wei-Yin Chen – Sure was a big offseason for unexciting but solid starters, huh?  Chen landed in about as good a place as he could, assuming he doesn’t only pitch well when provided with a decent clubhouse meal.  “You’re in luck, the fam and I went out to Morton’s last night and there were leftovers.”  That’s Loria handing Chen a half-eaten baked potato.  Chen was always one of the more underrated starters (two straight years of a 3.54 ERA and under with a 185 IP or more each season).  Hopefully he stays that way now in the NL East and Crayola Canyon.  2016 Projections:  12-10/3.46/1.20/159 in 190 IP

51. Mike Leake – Here’s what I said when he signed, “Every offseason a few pitchers win the lottery with huge deals, then a few other pitchers win runner-up prizes.  The ultimate runner-up prize is to be signed by the Cardinals because that means when their contract is over the pitcher will look like one of the best pitchers on the market because everything the Cards touch turns to gold.  The Ghost of Dave Duncan casts a long shadow.  Leake is a career waiver wire fantasy starter, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him come into his own in St. Louis.”  And that’s me running a rerun!  2016 Projections:  12-9/3.58/1.22/142 in 207 IP

52. Jason Hammel – This guy’s stats look like Hendricks’s right before someone in a bad cockney accent says, “Second verse same as the first.”  Hammel could push his Ks a little higher than Hendricks, but he could struggle with a few more walks too.  Blarney, it’s the same thing!  2016 Projections:  12-7/3.51/1.19/169 in 180 IP

53. Joe Ross – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Heaney.  I call this tier, “A) Asleep B) Comatose C) There’s no C.  D) Dead.”  The tier name refers to the four things you must be if you can’t find starters to draft.  If Sir Isaac Newton were alive, an apple wouldn’t fall from a tree and hit his head, a solid fantasy starter would.  As for Ross, I get the feeling that he’s going to be pitching great, say, 12 innings of shutout ball and then Dusty is going to pull him from the game and Ross will never be the same.  Or Ross will have a 2.75 ERA through 75 innings and then Dusty will inexplicably make Oliver Perez the new 5th starter.   Remember, Lloyd Christmas McClendon only walked the roads of dumb Dusty first paved.  Whatever happens, there’s no way Ross goes from April to October without getting yanked around in some fashion.  2016 Projections:  9-4/3.31/1.13/121 in 140 IP

54. Lance McCullers – I already gave you my Lance McCullers sleeper already.   Full disclosure alert!  I had McCullers in my top 20 starters before the Astros signed Doug Fister.  Fister?  More like gut puncher!  Now McCullers may be on the outside looking in for April’s rotation.  In the end, this doesn’t matter.  Actually, it’ll matter in the end, as in he might pitch at the end of the season now vs. in April and getting shut down early.  I only had McCullers down for 26 starts to begin with, so if he’s in the minors or long relief to start the year it doesn’t really change anything.  Okay, it does change one thing.  I don’t need to draft him crazy early to get him on my team.  Fister might’ve been the best thing that ever happened to us.  That’s what no one ever said!  UPDATE:  With it being announced that McCullers would start the year on the DL, I dropped him 15 spots in my starting pitcher ranks and lowered his projections.  He’s a young pitcher with a shoulder issue, so if you take my previous excitement and divide it by my current hesitation, you get the entire Angels team dancing on the head of a pin.  Okay, my math might be off there, but I’m trying to weigh my current cautious optimism with my realistic pessimism.  2016 Projections:  11-8/3.31/1.12/156 in 150 IP

55. Aaron Nola – I already gave you my Aaron Nola sleeper.  It was written while telling someone I’m allergic to peanuts while eating them.  I pull this prank every time I’m eating a sample I know has peanuts.  I’ll unsuspectingly take a sample and say, “This is delicious.  Man, I’m glad there’s no nuts in it because I’m highly allergic!”  Then their eyes bug out while I start grasping at my neck, stumbling backwards.  Cougs has only seen this routine about six dozen times.  By now, she just sighs.  2016 Projections:  9-12/3.42/1.18/163 in 188 IP

56. Eduardo Rodriguez – On a general note about drafting, you might see guys projected for 140 or 150 or even 170 IP and be like, “Super, and I’ll lose my H2H playoffs due to these schmohawks being shut down. Now, I’m gonna go outside and spend time with my family.”  Okay, you’ll never say that last part, but you might say the first.  Anyone who has played any amount of fantasy baseball knows you don’t play for September in April.  Things change, injuries hit, guys emerge on waivers.  For all you know, Ed-Rod could get injured in June and his 160 IP comes from April-May and July-October.  You’re putting together the best core of players for right now.  If you think it’s wise to draft for September, you’re way off.  Get to the H2H playoffs first, then figure out what you need to do to win.  By September, Edinson Volquez could be your ace and Eduardo Rodriguez could’ve been dropped in April.  Just draft talent, then we’ll figure out together how to get to the championship.  Okay, could someone help me down from this soapbox?  Anyone? 2016 Projections:  11-8/3.51/1.24/140 in 160 IP

57. Kevin Gausman – No, your eyes are not deceiving you.  There are literally eight hundred pitchers for you to draft for your team that only needs six starters.  I am using literally in that sentence quite literally, but I’m using ‘quite literally’ ironically.  Though, I’m not sure if I’m using ironically correctly.  I need a nap.  *claps hands*  I’m back!  Gausman throws 95 MPH with a low-2 BB/9.  If he had a 6 K/9, he’d be great.  He had an 8.3 K/9 last year.  So, yeah, hummana, hummana.  2016 Projections:  9-10/3.55/1.20/136 in 150 IP

58. Mike Fiers – At just about every point in Fiers’s stats there’s a fork in the road.  He could be a 8 K/9 or a 9 K/9.  He could be a 2 BB/9 pitcher or a 3 BB/9 one.  He could be a home run-prone 3.75 ERA pitcher or a low-3 ERA guy.  “Only thing we have with Fiers is Fiers himself.”  That’s a quote by Teddy Roosevelt Jr. Jr., the 3rd, who isn’t a politician like his great-great-great grandfather, but is a fantasy manager.  The reasons why I’m not betting heavier on Fiers being on the good side of all of those stats is he throws an 89 MPH fastball and is 30 years old.  If he loses a mile off that, he’s unusable.  2016 Projections:  12-10/3.75/1.25/185 in 190 IP

59. Andrew Heaney – It’s Andrew “The Brain” Heaney!  I already have Heaney dogeared (which looks spelled wrong, right?  RIGHT?!) to write a sleeper post on him.  Whether I get there will depend on how many times I have to update Josh Hamilton’s health and drug relapses this spring training.  We’re all praying for you, Josh.  Not because we have empathy, but we’re just sick of hearing it.  Heaney regularly had K-rates better than 9 in the minors and boosted his velocity up a mile last year and is only 24 years old and has great control and I shouldn’t have let that keyboard repairman remove my commas.  The Sciosciapath refuses to leave his rotation alone and is always trying to put Hector Santiago in there, but I think if Heaney does well in April/May, he’ll be left with no choice.  Okay, a non-crazy choice.  2016 Projections:  11-10/3.62/1.19/144 in 170 IP

60. Shelby Miller –  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 starters for 2016 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Jabronis.”  Okay, as is my wont, I’m giving you a tier of pitchers I’m staying away from as I go draft some hitters.  See you on the other side!  Here’s what I said this offseason about Shelby, “Traded to the Diamondbacks for “whatever you got and more” as the negotiations apparently went down.  The Diamondbacks have been very active in the last few weeks.  An active offseason always leads to great things, said the Padres last year around this time.  I’ll give it to you very simply on the value change for Miller.  Turner Field is a pitchers’ park and it can’t stand Jane Fonda Park; Chase Field is a hitters’ stadium and is not related to Chase Utley’s Bathroom.  Not a good move for Shelby, and he was already a guy that was due to crash back to earth due to his xFIP from last year.  A starter that will be drafted in the top 40 starters and could be unusable by July?  Here’s the guy!”  And that’s me quoting me!  2016 Projections:  13-7/3.79/1.31/166 in 205 IP