Tim Lincecum has a 6.07 ERA. Seriously, we’re in July and Lincecum’s ERA is six point oh seven. There’s ugly. There’s brutal. There’s murderous. There’s the guy with the goiter down the street from you that you talked to at a red light once and now he wants to hang out. There’s what your mother did to your baseball card collection. There’s you walking in on your girlfriend with another man and her screaming, “Why don’t you ever knock?!” There’s Jell-o with floating pieces of turds. Then… THEN! There’s Lincecum. May Bochy’s watermelon head fall on Lincecum and knock him to the Disgraceful List. He’s unownable in most mixed leagues. He’s headed for middle relief. Rudy and I discuss this more on today’s podcast, but you most definitely can’t start him and in any mixed leagues shallower than 14 team, you probably should drop him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Roy Oswalt – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. That, there, is like when you get your straw hat caught in your tractor’s gear shift and it just rips that puppy to shreds. Then those shreds defecate on the top of your head. This was just as bad as Lincecum’s (and this is discussed on the podcast too), but at least you’re not as invested in Oswalt. Let someone else see if he can right the Good Ship Folly Pop. Be gone, hillbilly!
Carlos Ruiz – Hit his 12th homer. After the game, Chooch said, “Chooch is it,” when someone nearby grabbed a cola and said, “Coke is it.”
Vance Worley – 4 IP, 6 ER. Fangraphs Database, “Your ERA will forever be your FIP… MUAHAHAHAHAHA…” So diabolical.
Jonathan Niese – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. He was in last week’s Buy and he really should be owned everywhere. He’s pitched better than Kershaw so far this year. On a side note, why doesn’t he shorten his first name like he did his nose? You need Beltran to take you to City Hall, Niese?
David Wright – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer. Hey, whatever happened to that whole “Metco’s moving its fences in?” That was a huge story in the preseason and I feel like I haven’t heard anyone mention it since. Cust inquirin’.
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer short of the cycle. That’s a clown cycle, bro…You know, a tricycle.
Dewayne Wise – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Only he didn’t really hit the homer out, he grabbed the pitch and threw it over the fence before the umpire could see. Witness for yourself where these shenanigans started.
Fernando Rodney – Perfect inning for his 24th save, his ERA drops to 0.96. In other news, water is dry.
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, 2 steals. In the five days since he was last week’s lead Buy, two homers and 4 steals. I didn’t mention this last week in the post, but you know how I knew to Buy him? Matthew Berry said to drop him last Wednesday.
Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam and legs, or maybe it’s a leguez. Either way, he hadn’t hit a homer in a while, but the last time he hit one he followed a few days later with another one. Streaky’s not just A-Rod’s hair in the early naughts.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I swear to you this is what happened to me. I pick up Lind when he’s called up. He doesn’t play. I drop him. Naturally, he homers. I pick him up again the following day. He doesn’t play. I drop him. The following day, he homers again. I will now walk into traffic wearing nothing but a burlap sack.
A.J. Burnett – 5 IP, 14 baserunners, 6 ER, 5 Ks. So if you remove Burnett’s start vs. the Cards and this start….
Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Not sure how many of you are old enough to remember this, but about three years ago I used to talk about the joys of platooning Matt Diaz. Well, Diaz was only good against lefties. Jones is hitting righties!
Drew Sutton – 3-for-5, and his first homer and 7 for his last 14. Worth a pick up to see how long his hitting lasts, though it probably won’t last long. Hopefully, it does because you gotta see him, then see how excited he gets when he’s hitting.
Jose Tabata – Optioned to the minors. The Pirates went to Gorkys Hernandez, who sounds like a character on the Telemundo remake of Life Goes On. “Gorkys! You’re so silly!” As I mentioned yesterday, Starling Marte is still only about a week or two away.
Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA now at 4.86. In all seriousness, I’m surprised he hasn’t been put on the Disgraceful List yet.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Pujols stayed out in front of him with a homer of his own (13th). Anyone wanna take bets Trout passes him in homers? Couldn’t possibly happen, right? *octave higher* Or could it?
Giancarlo Stanton – Sat out yesterday with a sore knee and general fatigue. Wasn’t that Prince Valium’s dad?
Hanley Ramirez – Was scratched with a sore knee. Hey, I want Stanton to scratch me with his sore knee!
Anibal Sanchez – Well, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve ran over your family pet before the game. His ERA is now up to 4.19 and I’m not pleased, but he’s also getting unlucky and his K-rate is still solid. Two good starts and his ERA could be back at 3.80. I’m holding onto Anibal Thelma & Louise-style as we go over the cliff together.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI with another homer. Now has homers in back-to-back games and against my better judgement I grabbed him in a 12 team mixed league because my better judgement had Belt getting Bochy’d and Stanton needing a nap.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs as he homered. Showing the occasional glimpses, but it’s far from a successful year. Maybe it’s the knee bothering him still. He’s just not going at it as hard. #possiblelinefromMagicMike
Jose Reyes – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I know this game wasn’t in Crayola Canyon, but the way Reyes is hitting for power this year is making it seem like Metco is The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. Person Who Just Found Razzball, “Crayola what? Metco huh? The House They… What is this feathered hair man with the most gorgeous mustache I’ve seen saying?”
Heath Bell – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. I’m beginning to think Bell is blowing games because he likes the reassurance that Ozzie gives him that he’s safe. Ozzie, of all people, is his woobie.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and the game-winning ding-dong off Bell. Hopefully, this time he gets scorching hot and stays healthy. I’d be Aramis if I didn’t tell you I owned him.
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Here’s what I said with him in last week’s Buy, “His K-rate is pushing ten and his walk rate is under 2. That’s worth looking at in mixed leagues. Probably the K-rate will go down and the walk rate will go up once he’s started more games. So that’s deeper mixed league worthy. Four sentences, one hedge… Thank you, Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston!” And that’s me quoting me! Now, I’d look at him in all mixed leagues where I was hurting for pitching.
Kevin Youkilis – Not sure how the White Sox won the game since the final score was 2 to 1.9. Wait a second…. That’s not one point nine. That’s a Cheetos smudge on my computer screen. The White Sox scored 19 runs?! Youuuuuuuuuuuk went 3-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer; Alex Rios went 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer and A.J. Pierzynski hit his 15th homer. A.J. Pierzynski can’t even count to 15! How does he have 15 homers? Wanna talk about a trade that we did in March that has changed in how you look at it now? In one league, we kept Jesus Montero and traded A.J. Pierzynski, Lance Berkman and Bud Norris for CC Sabathia. I still like it for us, but who would’ve thought the move would’ve been to trade Jesus and keep A.J.?
Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as the White Sox scored 19 runs? That’s a ticker blue balls.
Brian Fuentes – As Trapper John had to earn his title M.D. and Deuce Bigelow had to earn “Male Gigolo,” finally Fuentes has a title that fits him: Brian Fuentes, DFA.
Tyler Colvin – Another day, another homer. I think I mentioned yesterday that I was going to pick up Colvin. Yeah, didn’t happened because he was owned already. That shouldn’t stop you. Unless you’re in my league. Stop eavesdropping!
Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI out of the cleanup spot. Trash in the cleanup spot may sound counterintuitive to you, but he’s hitting .444 over the last week with a 5-for-6 on Saturday.
Zach McAllister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Rudy likes McAllister as a flyer, and I don’t think it’s solely because Zach’s on one of our teams that is in first. He has solid Ks and low walks. McAllister, not Rudy. But it is his birthday today. Rudy’s, not McAllister’s. A real live nephew of our Uncle Sam.
Neftali Feliz – On Tuesday, he threw from the bump. I’m sure Ron Washington was there.
Drew Storen – Will begin his rehab stint on Thursday. Tyler Clippard will continue to close even when Storen returns, but if there’s a Closer God up there who loves me — let’s call him Savus, the defeater of a L. One Clippard, Storen will get some saves at some point cause I’ve had him stashed in an NL-Only league all year where I really need saves.
Chris Carpenter – Done for the year as the doctors put the final nail in Carpenter’s season.
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, has a 3.29 ERA so far, and, before this game, he’s kept his control in check. That’s not usually what does him in. What does him in is he’s as boring as his name. In Triple-A, he had a 5+ K-rate… *yawn* What was I saying? Oh, yeah, Joe Kelly– *snooze* Wait, what? Oh, that’s right– *conked out*
Trevor Bauer – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Before the game, Trevor Bauer played long toss from foul pole to foul pole, then the Padres played long hit from foul pole to foul pole. This is the problem with rookie pitchers that I went over last time he pitched. Sometimes you get a warm embrace, and sometimes you get roofied.
Andrew Cashner – Left yesterday’s game with a strained latissimus dorsi muscle. That never stopped Flipper! Cashner will be out 3 weeks so it’s safe to drop him in most mixed leagues.
Brian Roberts – Hits the DL with a strained Brian Roberts-Can’t-Stay-Healthy-itis. I think they named it after him because he gets it so much.
Jon Lester – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Well, it took you long enough! Sure, it was against the A’s, but they were put together by Fat Jonah Hill. Listen, anything that builds Lester’s confidence, I’m taking as a positive.
Bobby Jenks – Sawx released Jenks. He’s hoping to catch on with another club or as a cartoon onomatopoeia — JENKS!
Felix Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER. If April and May had to deal with the Closepocalypse. Right now, the major leagues have a secreting staff infection.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 9 Ks with a perfect game into the 7th inning when Casper Wells took him deep — it’s a Ghost World! Chen hasn’t been completely dominating from start to start and his peripherals suggest he’s not even as good as his 3.64 ERA. Keep in mind, this start was in Safeco. And that’s me weighing in on Wei-Yin (almost stutterer!).
Roy Halladay – Threw a bullpen session and should be good to go soon after the All-Star break. Comatose Phillie Fan, “Hey, I’ve been in a coma for the whole season after taking a D battery to the ol’ melon. Any hoo! Halladay returning is great news for our playoff run, right? Right?” Comatose Phillie Fan, you might want to sit down.
Brandon Inge – Razzball sends its well wishes out to Inge after he lost his father, Andy Griffith.
Chipper Jones – 5-for-5, 4 RBIs and he was named to his final All-Star Game. The NL is asking if he’ll throw out the first oblique.
