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If Shohei Ohtani was playing when the game of baseball was invented, they would’ve made more rules to make it harder for him. It would’ve been announced via decree by Abner Doubleplay saying, “First off, I killed Abner Doubleday. He’s gone now. Secondly, I have scurvy, so this might be my last decree. Thirdly, there’s no thirdly. Fourthly, due to this man, Shohei Ohtani, and the way he throws and hits the potato-ball, we have come up with new rules. He can’t pitch or hit anymore and we’re sending him back to Japan. Thank you and make sure you eat your Crackerjack. I wish I had. It saves you from scurvy.” Little known fact is that every man in the 1800s was named Abner. Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani threw a one-hit shutout vs. the Tigers with 8 Ks and three walks, to lower his ERA to 3.43. This is the guy who leads the majors in homers, and to prove it, he hit two homers in the 2nd game of the doubleheader (37, 38). For 2024 fantasy, Ohtani or Acuña in daily leagues? That’s where we’re at, right? I love Tildaddy, but it’s going to take some real soul searching to not go for the guy who has 40 homer pop that can throwing in 200 strikeouts for s’s and g’s. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Taylor Ward – 2-for-8, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Supposedly, there was a shoulder injury last year that derailed part of his season. This year, I’m saying, maybe Ward is just hella streaky. Maybe he’s just a guy who gets incredibly hot and freezing cold. Are we really going to instead blame his yawnstipating April-June on the shoulder from last year again?
Jared Walsh – Designated for assignment. This is why you always read through the TOS. On the last page it reads in 4-point font, “You’ll never be good at baseball again if you have TOS surgery.” And people just agree to terms!
Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. Guess how many homers he has. C’mon guess! Oh, you’re no fun. Dot dot dot. Sorta like Escobar. That was his 5th homer.
Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Looked like this start was going to go sideways, but he held on. Sandoval must love shopping at Michael’s because that lefty is crafty! (If he were a righty, that would be Hobby Lobby.)
Hunter Renfroe – 6-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .249. Renfroe’s taking the world’s slowest march to 25 homers, huh? Really disappointed by him this season. I sound like a dad. Hunter, go to your room!
Michael Lorenzen – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Honestly, he drew a terrible matchup. Anyone against Ohtani looks like a mere mortal. For a mortal, Lorenzen looked fine. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but I don’t mind it.
Matt Manning – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.32. Mortals also fart, then they’re called fartals, that was Matt Manning. A fartal. Fart Manning. A Fart Manhandled. A fart thrown into my face when I thought it was safe to start him.
Starling Marte – He’s not close to returning, due to migraines. His return date was scheduled to happen after the birth of his child, but no longer. Guessing he about to have even more headaches, for the next 18 years.
Kodai Senga – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Kept saying in the preseason different forms of: Senga is being drafted too late. It was obvious then, and it’s still obvious.
Jeff McNeil – 1-for-3, 1 run. I know he hasn’t been having a great season, I did not realize he had three homers and was hitting .249. Oh, and he’s hitting third for the Mets.
David Robertson – Traded to the Marlins. Geez, Mets giving players to the Marlins. Rich get richer, amiright? Stupid, Marlins, and how they just dominate the NL East, and the poor Mets with no money and–Wait a minute, they spent $4.5 billion this past offseason and were picked to win the World Series by everyone. Oh, Mets, you poor dears. Bullpen chart was updated, but it has Puk and Robertson sharing the 9th, and, well, maybe, but I’d expect Robertson to take it over. You don’t send prospects to get a closer to then use the guy that’s A.J. Suk’d for the past few weeks. I’d guess Ottavino and Raley share the 9th in Queens, but Raley got last night’s save, and that might be all he needs to take the job. Ottavino could be traded too.
Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.27. The weird thing is, he’s having a stellar year this year, but next year he will still be underrated-slash-under-drafted.
Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, and three homers in two games. What’s that, a double-double? One triple? What is that in Burger-speak? It’s definitely a hot schmotato, but I think he’s rostered in more than 50% of leagues. If he’s not, chop-chop! Wait, that guy is not related, that’s Jake Chopped Cheese.
Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. His velocity is down; his Ks are down, and he’s been unlucky. Are the White Sox the Central’s Mets? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Tanner Bibee – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Screwed up by dropping Bibee too early. The worry is always you don’t want to hang on too long, but I hung on too short, talkin’ ’bout the ghetto. Funky, funky ghetto.
Gabriel Arias – 2-for-4, 1 run, as he took over at shortstop and hit 7th. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because: Bleh. But for AL-Only leagues, he is a grab. He has 20+ homer power and throw in a handful of steals. The reason why he’s not mixed league viable is his strikeout rate is over 30% and he’s hitting under .200 in 90 MLB games.
Justin Steele – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Joe Ryan had it within his grasp; Jeffrey Springs flew too close to the sun to achieve it; Steele might be able to grasp it. I’m talking about the award for making good on one of my preseason fantasy sleepers. The award: A hearty atta boy!
Miles Mikolas – Was ejected from the game after throwing 14 pitches, and only two of them at Ian Happ. On a previous swing, Happ’s backswing melon-balled Willson Contreras, accidentally. I say ‘accidentally’ because they hugged after it happened, then Mikolas took it upon himself for payback. Usually after two guys hug, payback isn’t still on the table, but Mikolas has a good mustache, so that evens things out. Waste of a perfectly good start because Mikolas is a moron. Though, I blame Oli Marmol; he’s made the Cards’ so toxic if you don’t act like an idiot, he doesn’t respect you.
Andrew Knizner – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, and three homers in two games. Geez, the Cards really missed Contreras!
Carlos Santana – Traded to the Brewers. “Why can’t that be me!” That’s Luke Voit, and it was. “I wanna be that guy!” That’s Rowdy Tellez, and it was him too. Santana will attempt to be the “Just don’t suck too much” 1st baseman in Milwaukee. Santana will actually be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and he was there before this trade, because he’s been hot. This feels like a move that could pay nice dividends for the Brewers. Get ready for Carlos Santana and the Brewers on the Top of the Hops!
