On his way to The Stadium That Jane Fonda Didn’t Receive In The Divorce Settlement, Jason Heyward ordered his chariot driver to the side of the road so he could wrestle a wildebeest. Suicide mission or pregame ritual? Doesn’t matter. With nary a scuff to his gladiator sandals, he escaped unharmed. With the wildebeest head shipped off to PETA, Heyward arrived at the game, went 2-for-5 and hit a home run. No doubt, he is the greatest player since RBI Baseball’s Darrell Evans. After the game, Heyward said, “What game? I was commissioned by Al Gore to form cloud cover.” Consider Heyward a 80/20/80/.280/10 guy. If someone offers you better than that, take it. If you’re in a league where someone gives you a top 50 player for him, you’re in a sucker league. And you better beat those suckers. Remember, Jordan Schafer hit a home run on Opening Day last year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nate McLouth – Hitting eighth. He did hit .010 in the preseason, but I think Cox comes around on him. Could be a nice buy low situation. Then again, I’m not a huge fan of McLousy, so I need to stop touting him.
Carlos Zambrano – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER. In all fairness, he gave up five bloop singles… And two bloop 450 foot homers.
Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 5 ER and the Win. I don’t like Lowe this year; this start did nothing to change my mind.
Shaun Marcum – Had a no-hitter through 6 and a third until Nelson Cruz said I am more than an All-Star replacement. Marcum’s one of those pitchers I’d be all over if he played in the NL. In Toronto, s’okay.
Jason Frasor – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save. He has guys behind him that can fill-in, but the Jays are playing for nothing. So it’s six of one, half dozen of another for how long Frasor’s closer leash will be. I’m not grabbing Downs or Gregg yet, but one more blown save and that could change.
Adam Lind – HR yesterday. One down, 34 more to go.
Travis Snider – 0-for-4, 3 Ks. There will be quite a few of these type of days. He can still hit plenty of homers too. The bugaboo is he’s batting 9th.
Mike Napoli – Didn’t start yesterday. Napoli is why the Ron Popeil method of setting and forgetting your catcher was invented. Napoli doesn’t play every game, it’s how Scioscia do.
Carlos Gomez – 4-for-5, steal and a homer. Gomez hit 2nd yesterday. I mentioned in the comments that he could be this year’s Emilio Bonifacio. What I mean is a guy that steals 4 bases in one week, everyone adds him then by the third week of the season people wish he’d die by falling in front of a marching band that tramples him. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t add him early, just don’t drop anyone you’ll regret.
Carlos Gonzalez – It’s an 8-for-10 day for CarGoes. Gonzalez was also thrown out by about a foot trying to steal. Good to see him running, be nicer to see him getting better jumps.
Seth Smith – 0-for-4, 3 strikeouts. Fowler owners and lispers rejoice.
Huston Street – Received good news that there wasn’t nothing seriously wrong with his shoulder. Except that he can’t pitch.
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 1 ER. I’m guessing it’s before the All-Star Break. Hey, look, it is!
Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday. Reynolds isn’t ready to relinquish the Mini-Donkey title just yet. Mini-Donkeys are stubborn.
Ian Stewart – HR yesterday. In a land of men and Mini-Donkeys, there was one Mini-Donkey who was smaller than all others, but his heart and home runs were bigger. His name was Ian Stewart and he’s Mini-Mini Donkey.
Mark Kotsay – Announcers were talking him up as a professional hitter that “adds flexibility.” I don’t know but his wife makes me stiff.
Mike Jacobs – 0-for-4 as he hit cleanup. I get the whole righty-lefty thing, but Mike Jacobs can barely cleanup his locker.
David Wright – HR yesterday. After last year, his owners will take any power signs, but this homer was a fortunate, well-placed blast that was just around the pole. Or as they call it in New York, The Pesci Pole.
Jose Reyes – Stole two bases in his rehab game. It won’t be long now, ya’ll.
Casey Kotchman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs. As expected, he hit third against a righty. For those that aren’t hip to handiness, there’s a lot more righties. If you can find someone to get into your lineup when the Mariners face lefties, it could be worth it.
Garrett Jones – 2 HRs yesterday. As our fantasy football contributor, Mark, said yesterday, “Robot Jones just fulfilled one of his 3 laws.”
Delmon Young – 2-for-4, HR yesterday. Deep leagues obviously need to react quicker than other leagues. Who knows, Young is still, well, young at 24 and he was once a big time prospect.
Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. What’s a bigger joke? Halladay vs. the Nats or Lannan vs. the Phils.
Placido Polanco – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs, grand slam. That was a month’s worth of Feliz. Spanish pun intended.
Ian Desmond – 0-for-2 as he hit 8th. Willie Harris went 0-for-4 from the two hole. While Desmond needs to hit to stay on the field, Willie Harris should not be batting 2nd.
Ryan Franklin – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Chris Carpenter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 Ks. Rudy and I both agree that we wouldn’t own Carpenter this year.
Albert Pujols – 4-for-5, 2 HRs. Poo-Holes is spitting fire.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, HR. Really wish I got him in a league this year. I have a feeling it’s going to be his coming out party. Maybe he’ll announce it in The Advocate.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-2, didn’t get the start, but was brought in to face the lefty Reyes. If Dusty’s only playing Stubbs vs. lefties, it kills his value. Worse, I think all the Reds’ outfielders — aside from Bruce — are looking at 350-400 ABs. That’s Gomes, Dickerson and Stubbs.
Joey Votto – 3-for-5, HR yesterday. It was a good day, Ice Cube.
Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks. Over/under for Greinke’s no decisions this year? 16? 17 maybe?
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks. Same thing every year for Verlander. April early showers, bring May flowers.
Cameron Maybin – 0-for-4, 3 Ks. It’s no embarrassment to be overmatched by Johan, even Johan 2.0, but Maybin looked completely lost. My bigger problem with Maybin is he only has 20 steal speed. He’s not a burner.
Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4 with a double. Yeah, not that exciting but I own him, so you’re gonna have to occasionally hear about him.
Ken Griffey Jr. – You see this Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial with Griffey running around the store? Is this commercial from 1993? Griffey strained his hamstring somewhere in aisle #5.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 4 baserunners. After Buehrle made one of the best plays by a pitcher ever, The Hawk, the White Sox announcer, said Buehrle’s had a storybook career. Can’t wait for the movie. The Mark Buehrle Story starring Michael Rappaport.
Carlos Quentin – No wonder he’s always getting hurt, I watched him get hit by pitches twice that he should’ve easily avoided. He has the reaction time of Robert De Niro in Awakenings.