Ryan Zimmerman went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball three times. Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Zimmerman’s homers! My dear guests! I am Mr. Albright, your host. Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball! Smiles, everyone, smiles! No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps. Since it was a game between the O’s and Nationals, they shared announcers (since they share channels). So, the O’s announcers said everyone’s crazy for Machado, Jones, Zimmermann and Harper and not Ryan Zimmerman or Nick Markakis much anymore, after they were the stars of their respective clubs. Then the Nationals announcer says, “I can’t say I know much about Markakis myself.” Burn! I’d play that over the clubhouse speakers before every game. Not to motivate Markakis as much to mess with him. Oh, and Zimmerman! Right! Yeah, he had a huge game, and you might remember he goosed me in my nethers last year when I dropped him, because he hit 10 homers in July of 2012. Might be the start of another special run. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – Now his weekend outlook is cloudy. I’d get a new Magic Eight Ball.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 (infield hit) and 1 run as he hit ninth in his return to the lineup. Pretty sure you can’t heal a broken wrist with six days of rest, but when you’re hitting .166, no one notices.
Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Eh, eff it in the coolie hole, I love Bernadina and don’t care how many times he’s burned me. Granted, he’s always hit the O’s well, but I’d still grab him. Keep in mind you will need to platoon him, which makes sense due to our Platoony Tunes chart, which is currently in court battling a trademark case.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 7 ER. It’s like the universe can only have one successful Zimmerman at a time. That’s also why it took Bob Dylan fifteen minutes yesterday at a Starbucks Drive-Thru. “Sir, could you please enunciate clearer?” This was the first time Jordan didn’t record an out after the sixth inning all year. His ERA goes all the way up to 2.37. Quit your moaning, Zimmermann owners.
Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Yeah, the Nationals don’t seem like they’re struggling on offense any more.
Adam Jones – There were 8 homers in this game and Jones goes 0-for-4. Ticker Tease!
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer. Sparkakis! Take that Nats announcer!
Chris Davis – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers. Someone better check Crush Davis’s urine, I bet he’s drinking illegal amounts of Fanta. At some point he’s gonna stop yodeling and fall off the cliff. I do wish I was going up the cliff with him.
Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-3, 1 RBI. Has been playing through a complete tear of the ulnar collateral ligament. Sparky Anklebiters eat pain for breakfast if someone gets pain off the top shelf for them. Regarding the torn UCL, Pedroia said “It is what it is.” When I just miss out on a parking spot, I say it is what it is. If I had a torn UCL, I’d say, “Holy hell, that hurts, tie my shoelaces for me, Cougar, please! I can’t stand the pain.” Pedroia went on to say, “My mindset is if I’m nicked up, I have to find other ways to perform.” In related news, Ken Griffey Jr. once missed time when his protective cup slipped and pinched his testicle.
Clay Buchholz – Could be skipped again due to collarbone discomfort. What have ye wrought, Carlos Quentin?!
Daniel Nava – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer as he hits .288. He gets no respect. Nava, Nava, Nava damn bit.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 2.96. I wouldn’t own him with your team.
Xavier Paul – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s got a nice speed/power combo that makes Little Grey perk up. I’m still concerned he could find himself on the bench against lefties, but I’d add him if you can move him in and out of your lineup.
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looking for the guy that is going to be in the top 25 for starters that people still don’t trust and you may be able to steal away in a trade? Look no further. It’s a figure of speech, read on.
Vinnie Pestano – 1 IP, 1 ER and the Kazaam! He may be the closer technically, but in a close game he’s going to cough up the win and then Captain Joe Smith is going to move in for the save while the Indians hide their women.
Michael Young – Placed on the bereavement list. I never knew he was related to Salvador Perez.
John Lannan – To start rehab assignment in about a week. That gives the Phillies about a week to assume a new identity so Lannan can’t rejoin them.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the Yum-Yum Fantasy special, double slam (13) & legs (3). He’s hit mostly sixth this year, but when asked about moving him up in the order, Charlie Manuel replied, “Can’t ride your tractor without a clutch, but you need hay to move. Without hay to move, you’re riding hee-haw on the sun trail.”
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. He dedicated his homer to a sick kid he visited in the hospital by the name of Chase Utley.
Erik Kratz – 1-for-3 with his third homer in the last four games. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez made small talk with his grandmother’s bingo friend.
Kyle Kendrick – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Rudy and I had a discussion about Kendrick the other day. We talk, y’all! He was saying that Kendrick is about the worst starter he could see rostering in a 12-team mixed league, and wouldn’t really want to own him because, what’s the best you get, 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks? He’s a 3.70-ish ERA, 150 K pitcher with not a whole lot of upside. I see his point, I do think there’s a place for Kendrick, but you need to roll with some middle reliever with a good K-rate to boost your overall staff if you have too many Kendrick-types.
Angel Pagan – Out four straight days with a sore hammy. Can’t he get an albino dressed like a monk to rub it for him? What, Dan Brown’s the one that started the weird albino fetish thing!
Tim Lincecum – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Well, at least he’s pitching better than last year when he had a 5.18 ERA. This year he has a 5.12 ERA.
Brett Lawrie – Placed on the DL. He hits the DL faster than you can say, J.C. Penny made a Hitler tea kettle?!
Casey Janssen – Got the save. Guess he’s healthy. Should’ve known with a last name that sounds like a piece of Ikea furniture he’d be durable.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 1 run. Not only did he get one steal, but he attempted another one. I immediately looked to see if he was available in my leagues. He could go on a crazy SAGNOF spree.
Brandon Maurer – Optioned to the minors because he was on the suck train longer than one should be. The Mariners haven’t announced yet who will take his spot. Taijuan Walker?! Erasmo Ramirez?! Danny Hultzen?! Probably Bonderman. Bummerman!
John Danks – 4 IP, 3 ER. A’la Wayne Newton, “Danks is shizz…Danks, Danks, Danks is shizz.”
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 steals (his 9th and 10th). You could ask for more from his power this year (1 HR, 10 RBIs), but the average (.283) and steals have been there. Alexei’s power outage reminded me of that movie about the power outage in the country of Georgia after the fall of the Soviet Union. I think I might’ve have been the only one to see it. It’s terrific if you ever get a chance to check it out. Speaking of which, I went to see The Great Gatsby this past weekend (belch; hey, Baz, how about you direct more and set design less?), but I was looking at movie posters in the lobby when I realized I’d never know if Ebert would’ve liked any of the new movies. Cust lamentin’.
Jordan Walden – Activated from the DL. I wonder if the shoulder inflammation he was dealing with will enjoy being coached by Fredi Gonzalez. That’s my On Walden Ponder.
Brandon Beachy – On track to return on June 18th to face the Mets. Beachy’s aim is to return three days before the summer officially begins to see the devastation that Hurricane Sandy Alderson has left.
Kris Medlen – 2 IP, 3 ER, but left yesterday’s start with a calf contusion. He said it was barking. Isn’t that a puppy contusion?
Colby Lewis – Had another setback and is now eying a possible mid-July return. Good time to point out that Beachy, Daniel Hudson, Luebke, Feliz and Lewis are all wild cards at best. Remember what Wainwright gave last year? A 3.94 ERA. That’s the most realistic expectation from any of these guys.
Alexi Ogando – Could return around this time next week. He should just go by one name, Algando. I fixed you, you’re welcome.
Ian Kinsler – Diagnosed with a stress fracture of his rib cage and is out an extra 2 weeks. I’d hope to see him healthy by the All-Star Break. Eff the beef, Kinsler, I miss you, and that’s just me being real with you.
Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his return from the DL. Real nice start back, but he did get to face that bum, Matt Kemp, three times. I wouldn’t mind Weaver so much if he continued to K more guys than innings he pitched, but if the last 6 of 7 years is any indication it’s unlikely.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 2 ER, as he got the save with the Marmol. Two homers allowed is about as ugly a save as you can get. Scott Downs has been his solid, but he has the aptly named Scott Downs’ Syndrome. Coello has been good, but his usage has been sporadic at best. I grabbed Coello; this shituation could go a number of ways.
Josh Sale – Suspended by the Rays after saying on Facebook that he threw fifty cents at a stripper and, “Your a stripper. Be thankful. Hoe.” Rays said, “His conduct was detrimental to the organization, and it’s ‘you’re,’ moron.”
Alexander Colome – Will get the start vs. the Marlins today because Cobb had a fingernail issue. Teach him to go to someone other than his normal manicurist. I grabbed Colome for today’s start because I’m a glutton for punishment with rookie Rays pitchers vs. the Marlins. Colome is also filthy, and filthy as in good, not filthy as in, “Did you just eat rancid tuna?” So far this year in the minors, he’s had a 9+ K-rate and a 2.60 ERA. He has the kind of stuff grizzled scouts say would work as a dominant reliever. They say it while spreading cream cheese on a complimentary bagel.
Roberto Hernandez – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Fausto made a deal with the devil, then through some laborious paperwork, it was transferred over to Roberto.
Curtis Granderson – Had minor surgery on his pinkie, but he’s still expected to miss a month. With Grandy, Youuuuuuuk, Te(i)x, A-Rod and Jeter, the Yankees are filled with a bunch of child stars. Their names conjure memories of when they were good, but they’re all in rehab.
David Phelps – 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mets. You let Ike Davis hit you? The same Ike who hasn’t hit anything since he wanted more treble in Proud Mary?
Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Boesch and…bomb!
Jeremy Hefner – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Don’t impede Zack Wheeler’s path to the majors.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. And this Byrd you cannot cage!
Ike Davis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with two singles! Damn, he should hang out with Josh Sale.
Eric Stults – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA is at 3.86. If you started Stults every time out instead of Yovani Gallardo or CC Sabathia, you would’ve been better off. I’m not saying that so you pick up Stults, I’m saying that so you cry.
Chase Headley – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. Isn’t it weird how for some people last year’s stats don’t seem that long ago, but for Headley they seem ancient? Eh, maybe I’m just smoking too much dope.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. Ah, the Less Than Fun To Watch Sanchez, which is also the black market title of the Screech sex tape.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games and 3rd homer in the last 5 games. His end of the season numbers aren’t going to be that exciting, but now is the time to own him. Get him to 100% owned, pronto quick-fast, we don’t know how much longer Walker will last.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Twins. That’s one of those pitching lines that you can’t make heads or tails of. 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks is in the dictionary as, “What do I do with this? It’s okay, I guess, but…Dah, I don’t know.” It’s right before, “What should I eat for dinner?”
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4 with a solo homer, as Matt Holliday went 1-for-4 with a solo homer. They also had identical batting lines the night before with 2-for-4 and a homer, but Beltran had 2 RBIs to Holliday’s one. Whew, I could almost hear Tim Kurkjian’s dolphin squeals.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, his 2nd day in a row with a homer. We are moving Hicks from yellow to orange on the hot schmotato alert. Next is red, then Brown, Domonic.
Trevor Plouffe – Was activated from the 7-day concussion DL. Plouffe said he was glad to be back, safe and sound in 1955.
Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, 2.12 ERA. He’s not this good. He’s actually very bad. But with his name he could make a transition to porn pretty smoothly.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-5 and his 5th steal. On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s better than about a dozen other 1st basemen you think are better than him. Go ahead, look. I’ll wait. Psyche, I ain’t waiting!
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Every day he’s healthy is a good day. Remember that on all the bad days.
Kyuji Fujikawa – Will have season-ending Tommy John surgery. Getting a tendon replaced is just offal!
Scott Feldman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Stream-o-Nator nailed this start. SON, “And you know this, man!” Awkward beat. SON, “Whatever happened to Chris Tucker? Did Bono kidnap him?”
Dioner Navarro – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers. A Navarro hasn’t scored that much since Jane’s Addiction broke up.
