If I wrote down exactly how I feel about or what I’d like to say to Eugenio Suarez I would certainly violate George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words. That still doesn’t lessen my urge to scream screwez youez every time Eugenio steps into the batters box. Speaking of which, he’s earning 0.35 points per plate appearance. Is that good you ask? It’s dog shitez terrible. Amongst players with at least 200 plate appearances, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. leads all hitters with a 0.93 PPPA. Only Byron Buxton, who hasn’t played since May 6th, has a better PPPA. But he only has 110 plate appearances to Vlad’s 432. Kinda apples to oranges if you ask me. If I drop the minimum number of plate appearances to 100, there are about 315 hitters ranked higher than Eugenio dipshitez.

If we are just looking at total points, which is a fair stat to use, Suarez clocks in at 145 points. That’s less than superstars such as Kevin Newman, Miguel Cabrera, Tyler Stephenson and Kyle Farmer to name a few. I almost feel bad including Cabrera in that list. Suarez ranks 158 amongst all hitters in points. If we narrow it down to just 3B, then he’s not even in the top 25. Can someone please explain to me how to hellez he’s is still over 80 percent owned and approximately 60 percent started? That’s goddamnez ridiculous.

On draft day I had Eugenio Dickheadez ranked as the seventh 3B and number 83 overall (hitters and pitchers). In a twelve team league that makes him roughly a 7th rounder. His ADP was about 104 (9th round). I drafted him in the 14th round and was very pleased with myself. While he didn’t have a great start to the season, I fully expected him to turn things around. At some point he even added SS eligibility. This was a big help with Francisco Lindor also shittingez the bed and eventually getting hurt. Although it was pretty much Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Add to the fact that Ketel Marte has been injured for a majority of the season, my infield (minus 1B) has been a bit difficult to navigate. Big thanks to David Fletcher who has quietly picked up a lot of the slack, and his dual eligibility at 2B/SS has come in rather clutch.

With the last pick of my draft I selected Austin Riley. I came pretty close to dropping him earlier in the season, but man am I glad I did not. Based on points he is the 6th ranked 3B. Based on PPPA he’s 8th. In the last two weeks he’s put up 68 points. Only Joey Votto has scored more. Ironically, two weeks ago I finally said “good riddance” or “go effez yourself” to Eugenio as I dropped him for Jean Segura (2B/3B). Over the last four weeks he has averaged 18.5 points per week.

Baseball teams average about 6.07 games per week. The average number of plate appearances per game across all lineup spots is about 4.22. That means in a week, the average number of plate appearances is 25.6154. I’d have to look a bit closer, but I consider 0.6 PPPA a decent number. The next tier would start at 0.7 (pretty good) and then 0.8 (Tony the Tiger great). Anything above 0.85 is flat out awesome. With 25.6154 plate appearances, a hitter would need about 15.3 points to yield a 0.6 PPPA. That means that Segura’s 18.5 is pretty good as it would result in a 0.72 PPPA if he had 25.6154 plate appearances. He actually averaged 26.75 plate appearances over that four week span netting him a 0.69 PPPA. Just under the “pretty good” mark, but I’ll take it. It’s worth noting that Mean Jean only averaged 5.75 games per week, which is slightly less than the 6.07 estimate. The point of that odd mathematical rant is that Segura is a good use of a roster spot for teams with some flux between 2B/SS/3B.

Dansby Swanson is another guy to keep an eye on. He’s owned in 80-something percent of leagues, but if he’s somehow available, make sure he’s on your watch list. He was just dropped in one of my leagues as the owner was forced to make a difficult roster decision with Corey Seager returning from the IL. In terms of fantasy points, Swanson hasn’t exactly been sitting on his couch eating TV dinners. He has more points (221) than Trevor Story (217), Tim Anderson (217), Francisco Lindor (200), Javier Baez (180) and Gleyber Torres (147). I wonder how many owners would be willing to start Dansby over one of them?

In unrelated news. Over the past 21 days, no starting pitcher has scored more fantasy points than Matt Harvey. I will repeat that in case it sounded absurd the first time. Over the past 21 days, no starting pitcher has scored more fantasy points than Matt Harvey. I’m not bullshittingez you. During that span he has made three starts putting up 28, 31 and 25 points for an average of 28 points per start. Now before you do anything stupid allow me to point out that those starts were against Kansas City, Detroit and Washington. It’s not often Harvey gets a chance to earn a mention in my posts so I thought I’d toss him a bone.

In the last 28 days, only Walker Buehler (129) has scored more points than Jameson Taillon (122). Over his last 7 starts he has averaged 6 IP, going at least 5 in every start. Most importantly he’s averaged 23 points per start. I’m expecting the Yankees to make a push and a couple shots of Jameson are certainly on order.

In closing I’d like to say one thing. Kiss my assez Eugenio Suarez.

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