[brid autoplay=”true” video=”771122″ player=”10951″ title=”RZBL%202021%20WAIVER%20WIRE%20WEEK%205″ duration=”156″ description=”undefined” uploaddate=”2021-04-30″ thumbnailurl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/thumb/771122_t_1619758719.png” contentUrl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/771122.mp4″]
(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)
Little Nico Hoerner said he could play middle or corner or any of the field’s orifices,
After a meeting in David Ross’s office.
He stuck out his thumb,
Indicating hitchhiking or he could play with aplomb,
And said, “Eric Sogard sucks, so here I am.'”
Not sure that’s how the poem goes, and fields don’t have orifices and, ya know what, ‘Can Stanza’ I can’t stands ya, and I don’t care. Give Nico Hoerner his playing time, we’re ready to run this shizz. *does a dance that can only be described as a mule that stepped on a nail* Hoerner has solid contact — 17% K% — and can get on base — 10% BB%. Can he hit .300 and makes the most sense as the Cubs’ leadoff hitter? Does the Pope root for the Mets to lose in heartbreaking ways? Yes, and emphatically yes. Will Hoerner hit for big-time speed and power? Does the girl in your office mean anything more when she asks you how you’re doing? No, no and no. Hoerner is a leadoff guy, though. Much more so than Anthony Rizzo, Willson Contreras or whatever David Ross’s office’s orifices are rolling out there most days. Hoerner could be a top season-long pickup if he sticks, and now I’m getting Hoernerier. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Andrew Knizner – Happy to have all you youngsters reading! I can’t believe I’m still doing this at 92 years old. There was a good seven years there where it was just me quoting me. So, Yadier Molina retired at the age of 123 and Knizner is finally seeing some at-bats. Shame he’s 108 years old–Wait, sorry, I had written a blurb for Knizner and set up a computer program to post it when Knizner played two games in a row. Didn’t think it would post so soon.
Kyle Higashioka – Unlike Molina, I think Gary Sanchez is actually on a short leash, like BDSM Altuve.
Tyler Stephenson – Three catchers recommended. Smart stuff by the Grey man! Way to multiple the catcher questions. Why not mention Buster Posey, Sean Murphy and, ya know what, you could look at the 7-day Player Rater and see who are the hottest hitters in the last week.
Jesus Aguilar – I haven’t seen a Jesus this hot since sitting in on a casting call for ‘Desperate Housewives landscaper.’ A role undoubtedly won by Benjamin Bratt.
Pavin Smith – This guy is currently hitting but feels like Evan White. Though, he could get into more power possibly. The road to ‘Sell’ is Pavin with good intentions.
Kolten Wong – Nearly made Wong the lede, but I figured everyone reading this knows Wong. Or at least all but five of you. Also, he’s nearly rostered in 50% of ESPN leagues, which is the cutoff. Any hoo! Wong should be on a team in every league.
Jon Berti – Some guys I think I like more than they like themselves. I just wanna read Berti self-help books and smack him. Believe in yourself and steal some bases!
J.D. Davis – Jonathan Davis Davis been more like Josh Donaldson Davis or Jonathan Davis Martinez.
Adolis Garcia – Maybe because I feel burnt by Baddoo — “What did I ever Baddoo to you?!” You stopped hitting, Akil! — so I’m a bit more tentative on Adolis, because he could stop hitting at any point. Guys who strikeout as much as him tend to do that, but his speed and power is as enticing as anyone. He could have a 30/15 season. Good luck finding that on waivers anywhere else. He might also hit .190 and be a drop as of May 5th.
Jarren Duran – I’m biding my time, as I prepare my bids on Duran. He’s approaching critical mass where he has to be called up any day, and then you’re not going to be able to get him. So, you have to feel out your league. Do you need to grab him right now or can you wait for him to be called up? Same, of course, with another Jarr. Speaking of which…
Jarred Kelenic – This site here, this Razzball thing, is about to be Jarr Crazy. You better make sure you’re in on it.
Tyler O’Neill – Oh, oh, oh, Neill! Hmm, works better with Riley. That’s a whiff by me, but it’s all about appreciating things: How do you know what a home run feels like if you don’t ever strike out? That’s why Keston Hiura’s really gonna appreciate things.
Justin Upton – Incredible career for Upton. Not that he’s been great all the time. No. He’s been incredibly consistent in only being hot for a few weeks at a time for the last decade. Can’t think of another player who was as streaky as him. There was that one year from Ty Wigginton. *wavy lines* Ah, here I am back in 2010. I could buy Bitcoin. Maybe warn the world about Covid. Oh, I know, I’ll watch Ty Wigginton! *wavy lines* That dream sucked.
Alex Kirilloff – Already gave you my Alex Kirilloff fantasy. It was written while doing indoor dining again!
Sam Haggerty – Feels like once the M’s door goes a-Jarr, Haggerty is going to be yesterday’s news, but if you need steals, you could do worse. Daniel Vogelbach, for unstints, he’d be worse. You ever see him run? And I’m talking on the field, not at a Krispy Kreme.
MacKenzie Gore – Q: If the Padres don’t bring up MacKenzie, with the Weathers news who takes that loss? A: L Gore and us. Also, I could’ve mentioned Logan Gilbert, and what do you know, I just did.
Adam Wainwright – This is a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to Netflix.
Merrill Kelly – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was wondering if you’re casting the new season of Love Is Blind, and if you accept automated submissions…No, it will be automated by me. I’m a robot.”
Sean Doolittle – The Reds are such a mess, you’d think this was 1987 and they were investing in East German businesses. Lucas Sims might get saves. Wouldn’t put it past their manager, David Ding Dong, to turn back to Amir. Tejay is there, but he’s more of a multi-inning guy. Yeah, yuck, but Doolittle seems most likely to actual close games. At least as of today.
Josh Staumont – Elias Sports Bureau said earlier this week, if the Royals turn to Staumont it will be the first time in history a team went with the better pitcher vs. the crappy guy with experience.
Rafael Dolis – Romano’s bleu his cheese with an elbow injury, and Dolis is the only guy I’m speculating on in Toronto, um, Florida.
SELL
J.D. Martinez – Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would hate me. As they would say, I’m a clueless fahkhead. They’d prolly ask me how I liked dem apples, while not even eating apples. Just thought of something, you think there’s an old woman named Granny Smith and she saves an apple for her grandson, Adam, by saying, “That’s Adam’s apple?” That has to be a thing somewhere, right? What a weird set of circumstances that family found themselves from just some bad naming choices. Any hoo! Just Dong Martinez does Just Dong. Anything else would be uncivilized, but his SwStr% is goofy high (for him), his BABIP is ridunk, his Contact is…Well, Just Don’t Look Martinez is more like it (the “Look” is silent in his name). I wouldn’t sell him for a lovely compliment like “Hey, you look just like Slingblade,” but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
