Did everyone enjoy the All-Star Game? Wait, that’s not for another month? Why was there only three games yesterday then? Was it a holiday? RobManberance Day? A national day of remembrance about how Rob Manfred is an idiot? Stop for a moment, lower your head and silently remember to yourself how stupid Rob Manfred is. A Boob Manfraud, forever amen. So, with so few games, we get to really dive in on Jackson Kowar‘s debut. Man, did he suck (2/3 IP, 4 ER). I kid. But not entirely. Jackson was too jacked up. It happens. He couldn’t throw anything for a strike, due to adrenaline. Easy 97 MPH fastball, and a nasty change, that either was four feet over the batter’s head, or dead-center in the strike zone. Prospect Itch texted me some extra info, “Curve is more 50 than plus, but it still helps him a lot. It’ll come down to fastball command, which was there for him this year in the minors, just not last night, obviously. Think he could be successful on the rookie arm spectrum.” Then I texted, “Right, so Shane McClanahan, i.e., terrible or great or both, like every rookie pitcher?” And he texted back, “Yeah, McClanahan-ish.” Then I texted, “Glad we were able to do this without you threatening me.” Then he texted, “I’ve been using this exchange for GPS tracking, and I’m outside your home.” Then I typed random letters, so he’d see “…” which gave me time to escape out the back of my house. For what it’s Cronenworth, the Prospectonator (that projects every rookie) hates Kowar, and I see him mostly as a streamer in shallower leagues, so Streamonator. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. I could’ve did a batty call yesterday with anyone. They were all out there. Nicky Lopez, who sounds like a member of an all-girl rock and roll band; Kelvin Gutierrez, who is hot, hot, hot in temperature; Michael A. Taylor, who is so modest he doesn’t need to be The Taylor, just A. Taylor. How’sever, I did a batty call with George “What An Effer” Sun. Now my home runs are movin’ on up in the home run category. You honestly don’t think I can BS for 2000 words about three games, and you are so sorely mistaken. Any hoo! George Sun might be starting to get hot.
Dylan Bundy – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.16. During the 2nd inning of this game, Cougs was like, “Why do you keep screaming ‘Dylan Bundy sucks, how dare you fail me, Jackson Kowar?'” And I didn’t have a great answer for her.
Max Stassi – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s right, folx. Three hits, three runs, three RBIs and his 3rd homer. Take yourself to BundeSchnitzel Casino and Wax Museum of Sausage and put it all on three, Stassi.
Adbert Alzolay – 3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.06, as he exited with a blister on his middle finger. That’s a big ol’ middle finger to the weekly teams where I started him for a two-start week, that will likely be one terrible start now.
Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .193. Nice to see him return from that collision with Nico Hoerner. *intern whispers in ear* That happened more than a month ago? What has Ian Happ done since? Oh, I see.
Ryan Weathers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.44. I used to say his dad looked like Tackleberry, and he looks like his dad. Well, he didn’t think so.
How can he be 21 while also starring as Tackleberry in the 80s Police Academy films? pic.twitter.com/NaO7f8qOHn
— Razzball (@Razzball) December 17, 2020
Manny Machado – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .239. If he would’ve done this last year in the 60 games, he would’ve been drafted when this year? Around 40? 50? Do I hear 75?
Pablo Lopez – Pushed back from his start in Fenway, to start at home vs. the Rockies. That is literally the first time a pitcher has been pushed back that caused me to dance like the end of the movie, Another Round. Great movie, by the by. It’s on Hulu, if you know you know. If you don’t know, you might think that’s watching Netflix while hula hooping.
Starling Marte – 3-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (5), hitting .322. Seems okay, but I like the other Marte! No, not Damaso, silly!
J.D. Martinez – Out three straight games with a wrist injury. Wonder if it hurts him when making the universal sign for ‘jerk off.’ I’m just a curious little cat!
Chris Sale – Likely to throw with hitters in the box this week, which puts him on pace for a late-June rehab assignment for a few weeks, and a just-after-the-All-Star-Break return, assuming no setbacks, and everyone keeps the scissors away from him.
Nick Pivetta – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Streamonator hates his next one, and I’m not sure the Streamonator will ever like him, and neither will I. Hey, me and Streamonator are BFFs!
Scott Kingery – Cleared waivers and has decided to stay in the minors. He feels like the kind of guy who needs a change of scenery. What are the Brewers doing with JBJ and the rest of their dreck? Grab Kingery and let’s light the world aflame! Or at least let Kingery hit .210 for a new team.
Byron Buxton – Will begin a rehab assignment. His assignment is not to get hurt during rehab games.
Kenta Maeda – Will begin a rehab assignment on Wednesday. I’d guess one rehab start, then back next Monday, but I guess it will depend on how well it goes, and if his groin holds up (his pants).
Keston Hiura – Optioned back to the minors. There’s dumber managers and front offices, but Brewers are up there with the cream of the crap for the dumbest. Do they even know what a strikeout rate is? Adam Frazier is just sitting out there on the Pirates, and the Brewers can prolly have him for nothing. Though, now that I think about it; it will make for an interesting trade between the Pirates and Brewers, two teams not known for getting the better end of a deal. “We want Frazier, and we’ll give you anything?” “Anything?” “Yes.” The Pirates discuss it with themselves then, “Corbin Burnes?” “Sure–” The Pirates quickly reconsider, “Actually, we want Vogelbach.”
Jarred Kelenic – Sent back to the minors. Okay, to be fair, Kelenic’s focus in the minors last time was defense.