Kazmir’s career sunk like a lead zeppelin, but get ten Ks against anyone and I sit up and take notice and I’m not just talking above my waist. Hey now! Yesterday, Scott Kazmir‘s line was 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners with 10 Ks. Okay, I have to be a cyclops with a monocle for this guy. To refresh everyone, a cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp. Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced. So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything. That’ll be me. Let’s see, his fastball speed has returned to his 2008 levels. The last time he was good. His walk rate went to atrocious after that year, but that too has returned and he has a 25:6 K:BB ratio. The only start where he was hit was his first. Maybe that was nerves — or noive if you’re in Brooklyn. Everything else from Kazmir has been like butter, so he’s no longer toast? That’s what I’m seeing. Okay, now for whether or not you should pick him. He gets the Yankees, Mariners and Red Sox next. Two out of three isn’t good. Sorry, Meatloaf. I wanted to pick him up so badly, I counted each start of his for the next two months. It doesn’t get better. He gets the Reds, Yanks again, Tigers then Nats. I like him more than I have in five years, but I’m still not picking him up. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Easily the best waiver pickup of the year so far. On the 2nd day of the season, I said, “Mini Donkey will go ice cold at some point and hit .109, but right now he’s seeing the ball and could have a 10 homer month.” And that’s me quoting me! I stand by that while sitting. His average will evaporate at some point like he’s one of those dork’s water-filled beakers in Mr. Wizard’s living room. (From 3:00 to 3:30 in the 80’s, I Wok’d with Yan, I didn’t geek out in Mr. Wizard’s World, boi!)
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He now has 4 homers while raising his average almost 40 points in the last ten days. Kipnis is like any good brisket, takes a good month to get tasty.
Nick Swisher – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer and 2nd in the last two games. Before Nick hit the home run, he said, “My sideburns are sexy, you have been advised.”
Michael Bourn – Activated from the DL. In related news, the Indians sound system operator dusted off his, “Born to Run” album.
Jarrod Parker – Bob Melvin said Parker would be fine for his next start. It wasn’t reported if he put air quotes around fine.
Adam Rosales – 2-for-3, 1 run. One of his singles was actually a home run.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Weird how jazzed people are about this guy. I projected him for 16 homers and a .258 average, and I’m more optimistic than ZiPs and Steamer. I mean, he’s fine, but I wouldn’t adopt him as my 3rd baseman and change my team name to Donalddad’s. He’s a corner infidel.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. The Royals read Razzball and answered my prayers by moving Gordon to the three hole and Butler to clean up, something he enjoys when at the plate.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in two games. He’s back you em-effers, he’s back! I will now retire his nickname, Mostsuckass, until his next 0-for-12 slide.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He must’ve heard all his fantasy owners’ homer cries. (Grey’s having fun with anagrams and in the third person!)
Jeremy Guthrie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.28. Someone asked yesterday if they should bench Guthrie. I answered truthfully (for a change!) I don’t know how you can sit him against anyone with how he’s currently throwing.
Jeff Locke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.95. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. If that doesn’t get you coming back later today, I do not know what will.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, raising his average to .182. Damn, Gallardo’s blowing higher than that.
Clay Buchholz – Denies using sunscreen to get a better grip on the balls. That is also an exact quote from Snookie.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I almost streamed him for this start, but I didn’t have the cantaloupes. However, you have a squishy melon on your shoulders if you think you should own him.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s not just a hot Oschmowaldo. He’s a rookie with big upside. Yeah, you should grab him, in the non-sexual way.
Jason Heyward – Aiming to return the beginning of next week. Assuming his appendix doesn’t grow back.
Brian McCann – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s now tied with Salvador Perez. Ron Popeil, give me the strength to set it and forget it.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. From start to start, he is all over the place with what to expect. Weird cause his last name is such a stable place.
Jonny Venters – Cut his bullpen session short due to elbow soreness. Fredi Gonzalez said that’s weird, because he usually can go 120-140 pitches per session.
Ryan Vogelsong – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Have no idea what’s wrong with him, but he’s a borderline starter even when he’s going well so it doesn’t pay for me to investigate. I wouldn’t even stream him until we saw two straight good starts from him.
J.A. Happ – Will miss 4-6 weeks. For the first month, the Blue Jays have been Happless, so more of the same.
Ricky Romero – Blue Jays sent him back down. They said he needs to ‘work on some things’ or change his name to Sucky.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he went against David Price. It was a rare match-up of the previous year’s Cy Young winners. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time that had happened since Colon met Carpenter, but that wasn’t on the baseball diamond. It was in a one-bedroom shack in Alabama where only the bathroom was carpeted.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals. That’s like the Beautiful Girls speech of short schedule day pick-ups. A one day pick-up that gets you twos steals can make you dizzy, like you been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. He can make you feel high, full of the single greatest commodity known to man — promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow.
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. I just acquired Price in a trade and watched this game totally unsure what I was rooting for because he wasn’t yet on my team. Ooh, Price looks good…Wait, I don’t own him yet…Oh, nice, he gave up an earned run…But don’t give up too many because I will be getting you tomorrow…Wait, unearned runs?…How am I supposed to feel about that?…Yay, strikeouts…Dah, he’s not on my team yet…What am I rooting for here?!
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .331. Ranking him 12th overall doesn’t seem nearly as daffy right now, does it? It’s rhetorical, no need to answer.
Yunel Escobar – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. No actual research was done for this. I was strictly informed by confirmation bias, but I think Yunel is running a close 2nd to Colby Rasmus for the most homers on short schedule days.
Dillon Gee – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and a no decision. If there was ever a start that elicited a Gee, that’s it.
Erick Aybar – After just returning from the DL last week, he left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring. What do you think the Can’t Buy Championships Goblin does all day? Alter CBGB t-shirts?
Jason Vargas – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. Under the altered CBGB Goblin shirts it reads OMFUGLYANGELSTARTERS.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Better watch out, Vernon Wells! On the serious, I never understood the huge push in the last week or so to trade Hamilton for fifty cents on the dollar. Did I miss a memo that was sent around? He’s a one week hot streak away from being exactly where he should be. Yeah, I know the jazz about him striking out too much. I wrote about that shizz in the preseason. I invented that effin’ sob story in December. He was doing it last year, and you still drafted him this year. A 7 for 14 clip with four homers and he’s hitting .260 with 8 homers. You remember last April when you were calling for Pujols to retire? He unretired in May. I’m not saying I wouldn’t sell Hamilton for some players, but some of the trades I’m seeing are silly. Is a closer and Segura for Hamilton good? No, no it is not.
Alex Rodriguez – Had a 40-minute workout in Tampa. If memory serves from my brief overnight stay in Tampa, that’s $20 for every 5 minutes. Unless A-Rod also went into the champagne room.
CC Sabathia – 4 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, but his start was rain-shortened. Damn, A-Rod, stop making it rain!
J.J. Putz – Doesn’t need surgery, but Putz is still out with elbow trouble. His timetable is “maybe not again this year.” You gotta be a Putz to think that’s good.
Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Moves his record to 5-0 and his ERA to 1.75 to go with a 1.06 WHIP. He’s pitching nearly identical to last year — K/9, BB/9, xFIP. The only difference is a slight velocity increase, more men left on base and less homers allowed. With neutral luck, he looks like a 3.60 ERA pitcher with a 150 Ks on the year. That’s an ownable, startable pitcher in all leagues. Obviously, he’s not as good as he’s been. On your last nickel, you got three strawberries, you didn’t get three 7’s.
Brandon Morrow – Will have his start pushed due to his back. It seems like every year he’s a new pitcher. One year, no control, great Ks and a terrible ERA but terrific xFIP. Next year, less Ks, good control and a terrific ERA with a terrible xFIP. This year, he’s not K’ing people, is walking people and his ERA and xFIP aren’t good. Honestly, I have no idea what Morrow holds.
Jayson Werth – Even though he hasn’t played in a week, the MRI on his hamstring came back clean. His hamstring must’ve drank two quarts of Naturally Klean Detox Tea.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Solid start (for a Padre pitcher in an away game). I think Haren’s about to turn it around (360 degrees and be exactly back where he is now).
Doug Fister – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. In an ironic twist, I’d like to punch Fister.
Omar Infante – 3-for-4, 1 run. Granted, batting eighth or ninth on the Tigers is probably about the same as batting 1st or 2nd for the Astros, but for a guy like Infante that derives so much value from getting on base and scoring, it does hurt his value. The preceding was brought to you by the new NBC show, Boring But True.
Zack Greinke – Will begin a rehab assignment on Friday with him on track to return on May 15th. There is a God, and he hates Carlos Quentin.
Adrian Gonzalez – Won’t play Friday due to a stiff neck. Mattingly said, “I wish Brandon League’s neck was hurt.”
Brandon Wood – The Orioles received him from the Royals for cash. Damn, the American dollar has really fallen.
