By now you’ve probably seen Giancarlo Stanton in ESPN’s magazine completely naked. Coincidentally, I looked at the pictures completely naked. Did I say looked? I meant took with a telephoto lens. In all seriousness, I know ESPN loves to copy other people’s successes, but if they’re going to blatantly try to do an equivalent of SI’s swimsuit issue, can they at least do a bikini issue or a thong issue or a Brazilian wax issue? Does the majority of their audience have any interest in seeing guys naked, showing their muscles? If I did, I’d subscribe to Men’s Fitness or Playgirl. I mean, for serious, who do they think is buying their magazine? Wait, a bigger question, who even buys magazines? Any the hoo! So far Giancarlo hasn’t been the hot butter slicing through a fat man’s veins that we’ve come to expect. He had a near-pulling a Kotchman hamstring injury where he went from fundamental crawling to fundamental running to fundamental running away from me as he exited the shower. It was all very tedious, but he’s healthy now and simply slumping. If he can get over the hump with my help, there’s very few players that could have the type of 2nd half Giancarlo is capable of. You can count on one hand the guys capable of a 25+ homer 2nd half. Giancarlo would be the player sitting on my thumb. At this point, a down season seems impossible to avoid, but 30 homers overall wouldn’t surprise me. That means 22 more. 35 homers would surprise me, but it wouldn’t be out of the question. I’d absolutely buy him, and I hear you can get him cheap. What? I’ve been inquiring. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jeremy Hefner – I’m expecting him to get hit tonight in Armpittsburgh, but if nothing else, Hefner has a 2.68 ERA in 47 IP at Metco and see no reason why that should stop at any point in the near future. So, Hefner’s good for home starts, but be careful tonight. So, Part II: We’re So’ing The Seeds Of Love; pick him up after the Pirates tent his house, bomb it, make meth and then leave.
Ivan Nova – Here’s one of those pick-ups where I didn’t even look at his schedule, I just know the way he’s thrown in the last two games that he should be owned.
Wei-Yin Chen – Kind of guy that can help you win deeper mixed leagues and AL-Only. Kind of guy that is borderline in leagues where streaming is rampant. And that’s how I weigh-in on Wei-Yin (almost stutterer!).
Rick Porcello – Hopefully this last corner he turned is his last and he’s no longer Rickety rickety wack.
Brandon Beachy – I’m pretty meh on Beachy. I really don’t think he does much of anything this year, but if you stash him, maybe you can flip him when it seems like he’s about to return.
Jarred Cosart – Here’s what I said the other day about him, “Astros are calling him up to start Friday. Here’s what Prospect Scott said, “Many baseball folks see Cosart as a high-leverage reliever, but the Astros are content to keep him in a starter’s role for now. At 6-3, 180, the 22-year-old generates heat in the mid-to-upper-90s, but mechanical shortcomings have resulted in inconsistent production. Cosart will look to steady his command at Triple-A, before joining the Astros at some point in 2013 — for fantasy’s sake, let’s hope that’s as a starter. Or to throw eggs at Grey’s stupid face.” Hey, c’mon! Cosart hasn’t gotten his command in check in Triple-A (4.84 BB/9) and I wouldn’t go near him outside of AL-Only leagues and keepers.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Prospect Scott!
Antonio Bastardo – When Papelbon is traded, won’t you love Bastardo like his father never did? Antonio Bastardo, closing next on his projects. “Livin’ in the slums with an injured Mike Adams,” I said, “Know why I teach?” “Do I have to be like this?” Mama said, “I’m priceless.” Top ten song of the 90’s? P to the erhaps.
Sonny Gray – He was straight Bubb Rubb whoo-whoo! in middle relief the other day. Find a clip of him and watch it. Gray, not Bubb Rubb… Well, you can watch a clip of him too. Before watching Sonny, let out your inseam. It’s damn sexy. I don’t think Gray is in the rotation in the landmark case of sooner vs. later, but he’ll have Alex Torres-type appeal in middle relief. Oh, and grab Alex Torres too. Look at his stats right now. They’re Bo Jackson Baseball crazy.
Blake Parker – Since I hear Epstein would trade Kevin Gregg for a two-for-one burrito coupon at Chipotle, I’m guessing Parker will be seeing save chances in August.
Brad Ziegler – Just went over him this morning. Scroll, young prematurely balding man, scroll.
Wilson Ramos – Vrrramos!
Josh Phegley – He has big-time power and his last name’s the adverb form of phlegm. What’s not to like?
Juan Francisco – Well, his compadre at the corner infidel, Chris Johnson, finally moved over the 50% owned threshold and is no longer being touted by me. You’re on your own with Johnson. Be careful though, that has been known to cause blindness as cited by the Catholic Church. As for Fransisco, he’s hitting, grab him!
Matt Adams – If Holliday goes on the DL, then Adams value shoots up like his cholesterol. But, as of right now, Holliday says he thinks he can avoid the DL. I bet we can fix that with a little hot fudge on his arm and Adams nearby.
Alex Rodriguez – I kinda hate telling people to stash him on their DL. Not because he’s a total douche. I mean, he is, but that doesn’t bother me. You can find people who think I’m a douche too. Ask my fiancee, she keeps a running tally of people who don’t like me; half of those people are going to my wedding. I’m more concerned that people see A-Rod’s name and they think he’s going to come back and hit 40 homers and steal 20 bases in the 2nd half. Those days are closer than they appear in the fantasy baseball rear view mirror. A-Rod is barely ownable in 12-team mixed leagues, even if he’s healthy. And that’s assuming he’s not suspended for having his bodybuilder girlfriend stick things in his butt.
Brett Lawrie – Should be back any day now, which means he’ll be hurt again in about two weeks. I just thought of a pre-All-Star Game contest to go with the Home Run Derby. Players run as hard as they can into a wall. First heat, Harper vs. Lawrie.
Gordon Beckham – I’ve mentioned this schmohawk so many times in the last week that people are gonna start saying my diploma from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston is a fake.
Brad Miller – So, Rudy and I were talking the other day in IM on Words With Friends and he says something like, “I need a middle infielder so bad and you beat me to Miller and Franklin.” I IM’d him back, “Yeah, maybe I should’ve dropped Rollins, but I didn’t and couldn’t find room for Miller.” Five minutes later, Rudy picked up Miller. That’s our 12-team league for ya. There’s so many players being added and dropped, he didn’t even know I dropped someone he wanted.
Grant Green – Here’s what I said the other day about Green, “A’s called up their bat-first middle infielder to either take over 2nd base or platoon with Sogard. Therein lies the rub, like the prude brothel’s sign reads. There’s conflicting reports to how he’ll be used. If it’s a platoon, he’s nearly useless in mixed leagues as he’ll only be facing lefties. If it’s an everyday job, then there’s some sweet, sweet upside here. Over a full year at Triple-A in 2012, he hit .296 with 15 HR and 13 SB. This year, more of the same, 11 homers, 4 steals and .318. My guess is at first he’ll be platooned. If he starts showing his bat, he could be a full-timer within a few weeks of the break since Sogard had changed his name from Soboring to get fantasy baseballers to bite, but it hasn’t worked.” And that’s me quoting me!
Adam Eaton – I just went over my Adam Eaton fantasy. I wrote it between commercials while watching the new MTV Challenge. I half-expected CT to drown Marlon in the first episode. MTV used to send people home for punching someone. Now, they’re filming guys drowning each other. Awesome!
Eric Young – SAGNOF!
Kensuke Tanaka – His name is pronounced KENS-kay tuh-NAH-kah or in northern Japanese fantasy circles KENS-okay-for-SAGNOF tuh-NAH-power.
Aaron Hicks – He still has plenty wrong with him, like his propensity to strikeout three times a game, but he’s currently hitting (.360, 1 homer, 2 steals in the last week).
Marlon Byrd – He’s been on fire lately, but it’s not even that lately lately, Jodeci. In May, Byrd hit 5 homers and .250. In June, he hit 6 homers and .282. In July, he’s hitting .319 with 3 homers. I’d say he’s been better than Giancarlo, but I don’t want to cry into my lunch. The ramen is salty enough.
Luke Scott – I had to make a hard decision yesterday. Do I drop Adam Eaton or Luke Scott? I have Leonys and Eric Young, so I went with the power instead. This is why it’s important to give some context when you ask questions in the comments like Eaton or Byrd or Scott? Eaton Byrd Scott was also a signer of the Declaration of Independence and a total drunk.
Darin Ruf – In less than a week, he’s hitting well and has a homer. Now that Howard’s gone for a while, Ruf should get time to show his stuf. Plus, I hear Darin rocks Ruf and tuf with his afro puffs.
Logan Morrison – Maybe it’s because I’ve been burned by him so many times, but I’m having a hard time recommending him. I suppose he does have 4 homers and a .300 average. Meanwhile, Jim Morrison fan fiction supposes what would happened if Jim didn’t die and is now working for a moving company in Washington state. “Hey, Jim, I can’t get this box through the doors.” “This is the end, beautiful friend.” “Nah, man, we’ll just break the box in half.” “Break on through to the other side!”
Patrick Corbin – Yeah, this is going a bit on the Buysellatops. May as well use it since it’s the only one left before extinction. Corbin’s been terrific so far — 10-1/2.40/0.98/99. He doesn’t look like he’s been insanely lucky either. He has been somewhat lucky. So, if a 7 K-rate pitcher has his luck revert, he becomes a 3.75 ERA pitcher with barely above average Ks, which is basically every pitcher with good matchups on waivers in shallower leagues. I wouldn’t sell Corbin for a handful of Olay body lotion, but I’d listen to offers.
Yasiel Puig – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… *catching breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *pausing to sip my coffee* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sell Puig?! Am I mad, man? No, Roger Sterling. I’m not. I’m also not saying to sell him in keepers (unless the price is great). Puig does look like all of that and a bag of Lay’s, but there’s also no one as crazy hyped as Puig right now. TMZ just reported he’s dating Lohan and making her sober. CNN just said Puig is replacing Wolf Blitzer and changing it to The Puiguation Room. Food Network is ordering a pilot of Puig and The Poke, where he just pokes meat with a tenderizer. At this point, sky’s the limit in redraft leagues what you can get for Puig. Of course, I wouldn’t trade him for two mismatched socks, but I’d explore offers.