It’s a bittersweet yum-yum fest with Matt Harvey*. *Line borrowed from a teenaged Asian girl’s diary. I told you to draft him on every team as a 6th starter. Unfortunately, he was drafted as a number three in most leagues. Fortunately if you still drafted him, he’s the boss of the world. Ask him next time you want to go to the bathroom. He will permission you. He’s a benevolent boss. A benevolent boss that says it’s okay when you forget to wear pants to work. Or a benevolent boss that doesn’t scold you when you stare at the clock for the last four hours on a Friday. It was like he was channeling the Spirit of Doc Gooden, but the Spirit had a more responsible sponsor than Keith Hernandez and wasn’t being offered goofballs off some hooker’s chest that Strawberry just brought into the clubhouse. Ralph Kiner, God Bless his soul if he passes sometime in the next 24 hours, napped through the entire Mets game and still knows how good Harvey was. That’s how good he was! And yesterday’s line of 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks could just be the beginning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, blown save. It wasn’t all Coke’s fault, he was on the bump after Benoit gave away a freebase, but Coke’s speedball isn’t very good, which left a crack for Escobar. And now the DEA is gonna be keeping tabs on me. As I’ve said, Coke isn’t necessarily the closer, especially with decent righties behind him. Honestly, I have no idea where Dotel is. Someone Carmen Sandiego his ass. Has Leyland forgotten that he has him or that I drafted him in the final rounds? As of yesterday, it looked like Benoit was platooning with Coke for saves. The last time Coke was involved in a RHP/LHP bullpen split was with the “Howe Farr Can They Go?” Yanks of the early 90’s, but after the Twins dropped a Mentos in Coke and watched him implode, I’d say it’s back up in the air. I’m still holding Dotel with the thought that Leyland may leave Benoit in the 8th, bring Coke in to face tough lefties in the eighth or ninth and bring Dotel in for righties in the ninth. Or Al Al’etc. Don’t forget Al Al’etc. What a mess.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks and 3 homers allowed. The Royals broadcast announced that Ervin had the fifth most AL wins since 2005. Cherry pick stats much? Or is Tim Kurkjian now producing local baseball games in Kansas City? “Did you know that every time Adam Dunn hits a home run three hundred ants run out from under each base?” *voice squeaks, cat dies* By the by, I’m strongly considering streaming hitters facing Santana. He could have a job pitching in this year’s Home Run Derby.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 1 HR and has power to spare, but Hayzeus Cristo he’s a liability in the outfield. I know, his nickname is The Tank, but wow. Besides his one ruled error, there were three balls that he failed to catch that everyone south of Steve Balboni would’ve run down. It’s something to watch simply because his counting stats might be cut into with the White Sox lifting Viciedo in the 7th for a defensive replacement as they did yesterday with Wise, who didn’t look that smart when he immediately dropped a ball hit to him. Maybe left field is the problem? Have the White Sox considering turning the stadium counterclockwise?
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 6 Ks. He was dealin’. That is all.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer. He is gonna be one of the most added players in the first week and he’s gonna be the most dropped player in about 2 weeks.
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 with a solo homer. Before yesterday his career in April was .223 with 6 homers in 372 ABs, so yesterday could be portending a nice season if I actually know what portending means and I’m not just portending.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Also, a great sign that he hit it off a lefty too (yes, it was just Clayton Richard). For now, he’s still an NL-Only guy with just under-20 homer pop, but maybe he develops into more. I’m not hatin’, I’m liberatin’!
Paul Maholm – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows. Question, Home Skillet: Should I pick up Maholm?” I wouldn’t yet.
Hiroki Kuroda – Took a line drive off his pitching hand and left the game. You know the movie Throw Momma from a Train (or the inferior, Strangers on a Train)? Okay, well, if you have someone you want to off just have them put on a Yankees uniform.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run. Also, in this game, Travis Hafner went yard. At least I think it was this game, ESPN might’ve been rerunning the 2005 All-Star Game.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I still don’t like him, only mentioning him so no one gets Butthurtz.
Wandy Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Cubs, otherwise known as, if your last name doesn’t end in O, you can’t hit.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a home run as he took over the clean-up spot for Ludwick. It’d be too much to ask Dusty to move Frazier up in the order, especially after the ol’ incident where Frazier stepped on Dusty’s toothpick and called it a “stupid splinter.”
Shelley Duncan – 1-for-4 with a homer, scoring 3 and scaring 35 with his high-fives.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 1 ER, BS. I’d love for him to have a hideous year for all the people who drafted him high because of his incomprehensible 2012. As God is my whiteness! Damn you, Autocorrect, you’re isolating some of my readers!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-2, 2 runs and the game-winning homer as he entered the game late. Maybe he bought himself a little bit of a longer rope than one freakin’ game.
Roy Halladay – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. You might only see caution alerts of Red, Orange and Yellow all year from Roy. G. Biv has left the building.
Kevin Slowey – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. He could give ratio help and shouldn’t hurt you too bad in Crayola Canyon. Wins, well, Loria sold those on eBay.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks as he pitchslapped Slowey. Something that I didn’t mention but notice this drafting season — I’m a noticer, y’all! Gio was going much later than I thought he should go. Was he not completely dominant last year? Did he not earn your trust? Do rhetorical questions annoy you?
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as BJ Upton went 0-for-4 with 4 Ks. Holidays are gonna be awkward this year!
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 with his first major league home run. As I mentioned the other day, Gattis has nice power but is in a platoon with Laird for now. In two catcher leagues, you should definitely look at him. Okay, don’t just look, silly, pick him up.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. I must say (after a clunky beginning to a sentence), the Phillies, Yankees and others should look at how the Braves rebuilt their franchise from a 2006-2009 team that looked like it was getting old fast.
Mitchell Boggs – 2 IP, 1 ER, BS. It’s not a full blown Closepocalypse just yet, but obviously there’s some gusts kicking up. Boggs wouldn’t be out after this first blown save, but Rosenthal or Mujica would be next in line, in that order.
Brandon Belt – Sat again yesterday and needed an IV for A New Hope.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first home run. Injury Update 786, “There is no friggin’ injury!”
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 4. If you can find someone in your league who thinks this was a good start, A) Find a better league B) Sell Lincecum C) There’s no C. Hmm, maybe you wanna reverse A and B, too.
Casey Kotchman – Out with a hamstring strain. He’s day-to-day unless he pulls a Kotchman just to name-check.
Scott Kazmir – Won’t start this weekend. His contract rider should come with an MRI machine.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’d literally have to see another 3 months of starts like this before I picked him up. And I’m not using literally figuratively.
Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER, BS. Like his mullet, his leash is gonna be a little longer than one blown save.
Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, and a run and RBI. Here’s what I said in the rankings, “Brantley hasn’t shown any speed yet in the majors like he did in the minors. One year in Triple-A, he swiped 46 bases with only 5 times caught. So how on earth did he only steal 12 bases last year with 9 times caught? I don’t have a clue, Professor Plum, but it makes me think he could have a big, surprising year.” And that’s me quoting me!
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs and a home run. AU SHIZZ!
Brandon McCarthy – 5 IP, 6 ER. Well, he was in the “owning them will feel like having your colon flushed out of your anus” tier, so, uh, if you owned McCarthy, don’t sit down for 3-5 days.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-7, 3 runs and a solo homer. We’ve got our first hot schmotato!
Adam Eaton – Will hit in a cage on Thursday. He should try and hit in a bear trap next.
Chris Davis – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Somebody’s locked in. All right, change your shorts, Bill James.
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. My gut is saying that Morrow is going to be in the Cy Young race if he stays healthy. Granted, that if is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom.
Maicer Izturis – 1-for-3 and now has only one less home run than my entire RCL team. Gotta love the first week of fantasy baseball. *shoves head into oven*
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-4 and a solo home run. Ugh, watch him break out this year instead of when I planned for it last year. *leaves head in oven*
Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he got the start and hit leadoff, but was lifted for Cuddyer, who hit a home run, because EYJ can never have anything nice.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. We should have a glossary term for players who look like string beans that should steal yet they have inexplicable power. Go ahead and suggest in the comments.
Wily Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Member how I said yesterday that Estrada’s start was better than it looked on paper? Yeah, of course you remember, you’re not senile. Well, Peralta’s start looked as bad on paper as it did in real life.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a solo homer. Good thing Rickie checked into Biogenesis under his alias R. Braun.
John Axford – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners. Man, he’s lucky there’s no one worthwhile behind him. The Brewers may go to Henderson to let Axford “clear his head,” but unless they have that machine from The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, they might be out of luck. I’d grab Henderson in all leagues, just in case a switch happens.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and a home run. How is he only owned in 56% of ESPN leagues? Oh, wait, 50% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, so he’s owned in 106% of leagues. That makes more sense.
Mike Morse – Hit his major league leading third homer. When he gets to 10 homers in April, then you’ll be playing with the house’s money. Right now, ride the wave.
Matt Kemp – 0-for-4 with 7 LOB. Maybe Lincecum wore his hair the same as Rihanna. Too bad for LA that Chris Brown wasn’t in the lineup.
Alexi Ogando – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I don’t want to take anything away from Ogando, I do like him this year, but you can stream anyone against the Lastros. If you can get past their five-foot, three-inch 2nd baseman, you’re golden. They look like the Twins without the firepower of Pedro Florimon.
Chris Carter – 0-for-11 with 7 Ks so far. Welcome Back, Mr. K-ter. No one has been much better on the Astros, including Brett Wallace (1-for-10 with 8 Ks). Carter-Wallace may be the company behind Trojan condoms, but the Astro bats look like they could go through anything.