Francisco Mejia is quick to the ball, boy, oh, boy. I watched his 1st career home run at-bat yesterday because there was only four games last night for the MLB because they went about the start of the fantasy football season like this: Picture the scene in Braveheart when they moon the other side, then charge at them. Okay, picturing Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic ass? Good, now after the mooning, imagine instead of charging, they high-tailed it the eff out of there. That was MLB last night. “We ain’t even got time for a white flag, we’re going home to watch football!” By the way, one more Braveheart note, was mooning really common of William Wallace and in the 1300s? *Googles first known mooning in history* Wow, Wikipedia says, “In 80 AD, Flavius Josephus recorded the first known incident of mooning.” Yo, yo, yo, it’s Flava Flavius! And I’m here to show you my big white ass! Any hoo! Francisco Mejia is going to be all over my cheap catcher radar in 2019. Really hoping Austin Hedges gets traded, because time shares suck — except when they’re giving out $20 in free casino chips to just look at one! — and I don’t want Hedges muckety-mucking up my Mejia mmm muah! (Say that fast 117 times!) Yesterday, Mejia hit his 1st career homer, then, in his next at-bat, hit his 2nd career homer, going 2-for-4 with 4 RBIs. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and, for this year, he’s in a platoon, but you know my cyclops has got that monocle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .255. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column as he’s been for the past few weeks or so. Ty Wigginton can rest easy, there’s no way to catch his ten straight Buy column appearances, and these things don’t carry over into the next season, because no one actually cares. Except Ty.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .274. Funny how bad a guy can look in one at-bat and then homer in the next at-bat. Schebler looked atrocious early in the game, then connected later. Okay, I didn’t say it was ‘haha funny.’
Jose Peraza – 3-for-4, hitting .288. I honestly wonder what Riggleman is trying to prove with hitting Hamilton leadoff over Peraza. Hamilton was a hit on Broadway, he can’t hit though.
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 2 ER (and 3 unearned), 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.79. With those unearned runs, Castillo’s trying his best to even make his decent starts vom-inducing. I don’t have a fantasy category for “Vom-Inducing” so you can stop the indigestion Castillo. Stream-o-Nator isn’t impressed with Castillo for his next start, and I haven’t been impressed by him all year, so take two and let out the gas.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Since there were no games, let’s dig in on Strasburg, shall we? We shall! His velocity (95 MPH) is essentially in the same ballpark his velocity has always been. He’s throwing his slider, change, curve with similar frequency. Opposing plate discipline hasn’t changed dramatically. He’s allowed more contact with balls outside the zone, but so what? If anything, that should support weaker contact. What’s killed him, harder contact. He’s allowed a lot of homers. Feels abnormal, and if he’s healthy next year I could see our first buying opportunity on him in a while. Of course, that ‘if’ is the size of Kanye’s ego.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s now hit at least .267 two years in a row and has dramatically cut down on his Ks. 2007 was Mini Donkey’s rookie year, the NL Rookie of the Year finalists that year were Braun, Tulo, Pence, Krispie Young, Kyle Kendrick, Yunel and James Loney. Reynolds has outlasted all of their effectiveness, except for maybe Braun, and that’s debatable.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned runs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Similar shituation as Luis Castillo, not a great start, but made better by a well-timed, unforced error. Thanks for throwing the ball wide, Baez! You really are the MVP! Stream-o-Nator loves Hendricks’ next start, and I could go either way with a borderline guy in Wrigley, depending on which way the wind is blowing.
Shohei Ohtani – If he has Tommy John surgery, Ohtani could hit full-time. That’s what breaking news says from ‘doctors.’ I hope the Angels didn’t pay for that consultation. Of course, he can hit. Did you see what he did on Wednesday with a torn UCL?
Kurt Suzuki – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, which I know from heart (watch this be wrong), because I own Suzuki. Almost as fun as a Suzuki Sidekick. Who am I kidding, that was the raddest jeep of all time.
Johan Camargo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I nearly put Camargo in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I feel like he’s been in a lot of them recently, and no one is picking them up and I’m not trying to nag you like your old lady.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Look at Anibal’s ERA again and now look at what Robbie Ray did to me. I’m so scarred! Next year, I’m only drafting gender-neutral pitchers!
Zack Greinke – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER (1 unearned), 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Were there more unearned runs yesterday than any other four-game schedule day in the history of baseball? Elias Sports Bureau says no, but added, “We’ve been making everything up for 18 years since we were the only one hit by Y2K.”
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 32nd homer. Au Shizz!
Rowdy Tellez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Set a live ball era record with three straight doubles to start a career. The all-time record is held by a zombie with seven doubles, but that was during the dead ball era. Speaking of dead, after his first career hit on Wednesday, he carved MOM into the dirt by the plate, just weeks after she passed, and I started weeping like a little baby, then I saw Rowdy and his 5-sizes too big head and plump body and I let out a little giggle. Rowdy likes to get chowdy at the dinner table! I don’t know the Jays plans for Rowdy in the final weeks; he was on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects. He has solid plate discipline (on the field, not in the dining room), and he could get into a few down the stretch (stretch of games, there’s no way this guy is stretching his body).
Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Can’t the Indians sign Justin Masterson for, like, 3 weeks to take some innings off of Bieber’s arm? The Stream-o-Nator once again loves his next start though. Pretty impressive how much the Stream-o-Nator likes Bieber this year, because it rarely likes rookies.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .230, and two homers in the last week, four homers in the last 15 games and hitting .288. Also, he’s thrown in a couple of steals. Schmotato? Seems so, and I made him a batty call last night, because I have nothing to lose. Unlike Prospector Ralph who is doing his damnedest to lose our RCL league that he’s been leading all year. This might be an up 3-0-type loss we’re in the midst of. Pray for PR. (Prospector Ralph, though you can pray for Puerto Rico too, if you like.)
Francisco Lindor – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Lindor likely appreciates Jose Ramirez dropping out of the MVP race in August so Lindor can try to man up and win this thing. By the way, ‘man up’ was first used for a man who died while he was with a sex worker. As Keith Morrison said on Dateline, “He appeared to be a man down, but he was a man up. A man, as they say, on the come. Man, oh, man.”