At some point soon, the Yankees have to say to themselves, “Are we this stupid of an organization? We have a guy that is doing The Mashed Potato in the minors. Look at this…” Then a pile of balls that Aaron Judge hit are piled on the table, but instead of balls, they now look like mashed potatoes with stitches weaving throughout. “No, we didn’t have Lyle’s mom from accountant make a very long string of maraschino cherry stems tied together with her mouth. Those are baseballs with stitches that have been mashed by Judge.” One younger exec picks at a piece of mashed potato-baseball. “Stop picking at your food and eat it!” The young exec puts a piece of gummy baseball into his mouth. “I was kidding, you fool, it’s a baseball! You don’t eat that!” This has to happen soon. Aaron Judge is not getting any younger. Unlike me, I was 35 last year, and am 27 this year. Right now, he’s 24 years old and crushing pink cookies in Triple-A. The Yanks are nine games back and Tokyo drifting. No one on their team is young. Best move for them is to trade everyone or start benching guys to play Judge. Oh, and why do we care? Because Judge has Giancarlo-type power. He could hit 15 homers in a month. Fo’reallies. I have him stashed in one 12-team league, and I’d stash him in any league where I needed power. His time is nigh! Which sounds like something a Nazi would say, but it just means near. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Derek Norris – He has ten homers, what does your catcher have? Isn’t he also hitting .211? Not now, Random Italicized Voice. Okay, I’m gonna go back to seeing what my voice looks like in Wingdings.
Justin Bour – On our Player Rater, Bour has been better than Jose Abreu, Adrian Gonzalez, and–Okay, everyone’s been better than A-Gon. For the last three years, I’ve been waiting for the floor to drop out on A-Gon like I’m on the game Wipeout.
A.J. Reed – He can be 0-for-30 and I’d still own him right now. You have to give guys a chance to catch their breath, even if they’re throwing farts at you.
Mark Teixeira – For out-of-town games, the Yankees should stay at the local Natural History Museum, to be with friends. As for Te(i)x, he’s been hot.
Devon Travis – I was about to make a Randy Travis joke, then I remembered he was sick and wanted to make sure he was alive still, and after seeing him, I’m still not sure. He resembles a white Andrelton Simmons.
Dee Gordon – Guess who’s coming back in about 27 games?! The PEDs-less Dee Gordon, which might make him an 85-pound weakling. Then when someone says, “Hey, look at him rake!” It could have multiple meanings.
Danny Espinosa – If he were hitting twenty points higher (about 1 hit extra per week), he’d be a top ten shortstop, so don’t be screaming, “You’re out of your element, Danny!”
Didi Gregorius – This hot schmotato is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I’d never amount to nothing. I’m a blogger, so there!
Javier Baez – For some reason, I want to call him Jazzier Bouvier. Which sounds like a poodle Jackie Kennedy grew up with.
Jose Peraza – He’s been playing semi-regularly and stealing bases and…Um…Yeah, that’s it.
Lonnie Chisenhall – If you don’t grab him soon, you’re going to head to your waivers and scream, “Lonnie gonnie!” Then run through your office wall like the Kool Aid Man.
Yasmany Tomas – You know what’s weird (likely not weird), I’ve looked at two guys’ stats (Espinosa and Yasmany) and they have relatively the same stats minus the average. Told you, weird (not weird).
Justin Turner – I said a few weeks ago that Turner was due to get hot, and then he got hot. The world is my Easter egg, prepare to dye.
Marcus Semien – Has been about as valuable as Carlos Correa so far this season, which either makes you really happy about Semien or blue-balled about Correa.
Jose Reyes – I just gave you my Jose Reyes fantasy. Only one person was truly appalled at the title.
Brad Miller – He’s hot, yadda. On a completely unrelated note, what is with men’s names that end in -ad? A Chad is the paper punched out causing a hole, and a Brad is the metal clip you put in that former Chad hole. I think I need to sit down. My brain hurts.
Danny Santana – This is a straight Hitter-Tron call for Saturday, like the Hitter-Tron call it makes to get simonized every other day.
Steven Moya – I just gave you my Steven Moya fantasy. It was written blindfolded.
Trea Turner – With his move to the outfield in the minors, he moves my needle from around 2 MPH to 5 MPH. I mean, we’re barely moving here. I’ll give you a straightforward question that will make you feel super smart when you answer it, if Turner is promoted, will Dusty bench Revere indefinitely or simply platoon them? Hint: It rhymes with blatoon.
Tyler Naquin – Naquin touched down in June and became the regular over Rajai, which is some cold shizz to do to the King of SAGNOF. Naquin has been hitting, but maybe the Indians have some clause that they can have a politically incorrect mascot if they have one player whose name sounds Native American, and Naquin definitely fits the bill.
Max Kepler – This guy is kinda stuck between two worlds. He’s not really a mixed league play yet, and in AL-Only leagues he should be owned.
Kendrys Morales – If I had a company that specialized in wiping rain from staircase railings, I’d name it, Can Drys Mo’ Rales. I don’t though, but I do think Morales can wet my rails.
Seung Hwan Oh – He could be as good as Will Harris has been as the Astros’ closer, but I get the sneaking suspicion that Oh’s gonna be back in the eighth by next week with Rosenthal getting the job back.
Xavier Cedeno – The X-Man: Closepocalypse.
Ryan Buchter – I just went over him this morning. You missed it? Not cool, man and five woman’s!
Carlos Estevez – Speaking of closers that might not have the job for longer than another week, Charlie Sheen isn’t hashtag winning many points for SAGNOF’ers.
Anthony DeSclafani – JB just gave you his Anthony DeSclafani fantasy. I more or less agree with him, I would try DeSclafani in mixed leagues, but I also think the bottom could fall out, so I’m much more wary. Or weary if someone comes into the comments and asks what I think of DeSclafani.
Patrick Corbin – This is strictly a Stream-o-Nator call. Like the call the Stream-o-Nator makes to female prisons to see if any inmates are on Tinder.
SELL
Adam Duvall – You know the Buysellatops, our dinosaur-slash-Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool, wants to sell Duvall. Goes without saying. You catch that? I was just not saying something. You missed it? Here it isn’t again… …Anything? Hmm. Duvall is a 30-homer, .240 hitter. So, let’s reassess. He has 22 homers now? Oh. Um, yeah, that seems to be near his ceiling already. Sell you crazy jackholes! I will say that Duvall is a 30-homer hitter, plus or minus five homers due to upside and unknown. Obviously, he’s cascading towards the high end of that, so I wouldn’t sell Duvall for a chance encounter with Fabio, but Duvall’s also not a 45-homer guy, so I would see what I could get.
