Felix Hernandez joined Philip Humber and Matt Cain in the Perfect Game club this year, shutting down the Rays in Seattle yesterday. ¬†If only it was against the Yankees and Ichiro (hitting 9th) was the last hitter and Ichiro bunted. ¬†Oh, the Internet drama! ¬†Or is it a total dramacracy? ¬†What are the kids saying nowadays? ¬†For a while King Felix looked out of shape. ¬†Oh, uneasy lies the head that wears a crown made from Snickers wrappers. ¬†But he checked his Ho Hos at the door and, after a 2011 year where a higher BABIP led to a rise in ratios (3.47/1.22), F-Her is back down to 2010 levels (2.60/1.06) and a not that shabby 11 wins, considering the team he has around him. ¬†Based on WAR, the only pitcher with a better AL Cy Young case is Justin Verlander.¬†¬†Even if he doesn’t beat out Verlander, at least he’ll have perfect game bragging rights over him….”So, Justin, I was at the Perfect Game Club and Tom Browning and I were doing body shots off Kate Upton – you know her, right?¬†¬†Yeah, good times.” ¬†Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera –¬†Turned out that the MLB does not approve the supplement, Muscle Melk. ¬†He¬†was playing so far above his head for the last two years that the Regression Fairies probably tainted his urine. ¬†You mess with the Regression Fairies, you get the horns! ¬†MLB said they were tipped off by the Hall of Fame groundskeeper, Scoots McDoogle. ¬†It seems that when Melky paid Cooperstown a visit, he tried on Bonds’s game-worn helmet from his 756th homer and it fit perfectly. ¬†It’s like Cinderella’s glass slipper. ¬†If it fits, you’re on ‘roids. ¬†At least Melky can now blame the crotch chop gesture to Atlanta fans as ‘roid rage. ¬†Would explain why so many wrestlers do the crotch chop too. ¬†People should’ve been worried when he wanted to be called, The Melkz. ¬†(BTW, the crotch chop that Chipper got so mad at wasn’t even that big of a deal. ¬†Chipper is a curmudgeon, and ironically named.) ¬†The only thing that really pees me off is I kept saying Melky wasn’t this good, and didn’t draft him because of it and now his fantasy owners reaped almost two seasons of rotten Melk. ¬†I think fantasy leagues should remove any stats that were accrued by a player that tests positive. ¬†Tell me that wouldn’t be a fun wrinkle. ¬†You’re like, “Well, Edwin Encarnacion is playing over his head, and I can keep him on my team, but if he tests positive, then I’m gonna lose all those stats so I better trade him.” ¬†A new element to our favorite pastime’s favorite pastime! ¬†Our pastime’s pastime? ¬†Yeah, I’m not sure. ¬†Oh, and drop Melky, as the only position he’s now eligible for is POS. ¬†On the bright side (in that if you look deep enough into the dark, you see light again), Melky can still win the batting title. ¬†And you thought Reyes was dastardly for sitting out one day for a batting title, Melky’s sitting out 50.
Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. ¬†Well, we can officially rule out Melky as his problem. ¬†I suggest you once again lower your Freak flag.
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he takes over for Flunky. ¬†Score that a victory for Blanco’s fans (The Whiteys?). ¬†Everyone else (outside of NL-Only leagues), I’d look elsewhere.
Justin Ruggiano – Left yesterday’s game when he strained his oblique. ¬†Back to Parma for you Ruggiano!
Greg Dobbs¬†– 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. ¬†Due to no other options, he’s back in the Marlins 3rd base job…the eversucking Dobbsstopper.
Gorkys Hernandez¬†– 1-for-3 with an RBI. ¬†Hey, it’s Gorkys Hernandez, the character from the Telemundo remake of Life Goes On! ¬†With Ruggiano out, Gorkys could see an uptick in playing time. ¬†Gorkys is a poor man’s Ben Revere — Ben Less-Revered. ¬†He’s got speed, but not much else.
Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks with a 3.80 ERA. ¬†He lost to Mark Buehrle who has four more wins than Halladay and a lower ERA because the universe is conspiring against you. ¬†Not everyone. ¬†Just you. ¬†That also explains why if you look at that birthmark on your neck with a microscope it says “#fail.”
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. ¬†Someone asked in the comments yesterday what Scherzer’s nickname was. ¬†Well, he started as Jobacum because when he was first called up, his stuff looked like Joba and Lincecum. ¬†That now makes absolutely no sense. ¬†Next, he went to the name Golem because he sounds like a Michael Chabon character. ¬†Then it was Maddening Max Scherzer or “You Make Me Mad” Max. ¬†Now that he’s leading the major leagues in strikeouts, he’s just the Maxdaddy.
Delmon Young – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. ¬†The scary thing is in 6 seasons 13 homers is now the 2nd most homers he’s ever had in a major league season.
Andy Dirks – 1-for-4 as he batted 2nd yesterday. ¬†Now that could be because he played right field and Leyland hits right field 2nd and left field at the bottom of the order. ¬†Why? ¬†Because he used all but one of his lineup cards to roll tobacco.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. ¬†Now hitting near .400 in the last week with 2 homers. ¬†In Thailand that’s called a bhat panang curry with schmotato.
Steve Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, a run and a steal. ¬†Hitting near .450 in the last week and I never thought I’d say this, but when Desmond returns the Nats have too many hitting options. ¬†The Nats should bench Harper. ¬†I know, that’s treasonous. ¬†Selfishly, I’d like to see Desmond go to the minors to get his timing back, so I can continue to play Lombardozzi in an NL-Only league. ¬†Or shellfishly, if there’s lobsters reading.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal. ¬†Guess the ankle’s okay. ¬†Consarn it! ¬†I should’ve dropped Ruggiano instead of Werth. ¬†I hear you laughing Fantasy Gods and I will curse you with all my might like I’m in a bad Tom Shadyac movie.
Yadier Molina – Will miss 2-3 days with a stiff lower back. ¬†Coincidentally, it takes the Molina brothers 2-3 days to complete a Chinese fire drill.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. ¬†In like a lion and out like a lion, but lambish in the middle?
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. ¬†This is a totally uncalled for jinx, but I don’t own him anywhere so here goes nothing. ¬†Last year, he had three months with an ERA around a 2.75, then he tired out and his last month he had an ERA around 7.
Dan Uggla – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†Now 15 more before October and we’re all good.
Jemile Weeks – Didn’t start yesterday and speculation around the interweb is that Weeks “could be under pressure” as he continues to drop a lump of coal onto fantasy owners.¬†¬†If he was in New York, Philly, or Boston, that pressure could turn him into a diamond.¬†¬†In Oakland, I think that would convert him into a slightly misshapen briquette.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. ¬†As I said in last week’s Buy, when he’s healthy, he’s fine. ¬†And that’s me condensing 240 words into five!
Carl Crawford – 0-for-2, 2 RBIs to bring his season total to 19, while Ellsbury went 2-for-4 and recorded his 11th RBI. ¬†Comatose Red Sox Fan, who’s been out since March, just woke, “11 RBIs and 19 RBIs? ¬†Does Ortiz have 160 RBIs already? ¬†A-Gon have 50 homers? ¬†Youk carrying us? ¬†At least we’re in first, right? ¬†In good shape for the Wild Card?”
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†Just change your password to “Grey’sMoostash” and I’ll pick him up for you.
Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with a steal. ¬†He’s now hitting .400 in the last week. ¬†On the year, he’s also hitting fifty points better at home. ¬†Meaning at Coors. ¬†Unless his old lady kicked him out and he’s living in the clubhouse.
Jim Henderson – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. ¬†This Brewers closerousel isn’t like the carousel you used to ride when you were a kid. ¬†There’s no seat belts, it goes in a circle at ninety miles per hour and the horses throw crap from their hooves at innocent bystanders.
Neil Walker – Dislocated his finger in a 2B-on-2B collision with Mark Ellis.¬†¬†Hey, you put your chocolate in my peanut butter.¬†¬†Hey, you put your finger in my chocolate!
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. ¬†Right now, The Wandwagon is like that train in the beginning of The Fugitive and you best dive out of the way.
Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA now up to 5.47. ¬†I‚Äôve seen¬†peg boys¬†put together better stretches.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer, average is at .208, which is also his weight after a 4 month bout with malaria.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. ¬†Now has hits in 6 straight games with two homers. ¬†Wait, that’s not right. ¬†Hey, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. ¬†I mean, Viciedo has six straight games with a hit and two homers came during that stretch. ¬†Viciedo gets scorching hot for a few weeks at a time, so if he’s out there Veni Vidi¬†Viciedo.
Mike Leake – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he beat Dickey. ¬†A Leake beats a Dickey? ¬†Sounds like dribblers were getting through the vas deferens.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and his third straight day with a homer. ¬†Maybe New Jersey can still put on their license plates “The Home of Bruce” instead “Hey, What Exit Are You From?”
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 runs with a slam (15) and legs (2). ¬†Now hitting over .450 in the last week and that’s all thanks to me not picking him up. ¬†You’re welcome.
Chris Johnson – 0-for-3 and 1 for his last 14. ¬†“Hey, Chris, could you get out of the car and check the tire on my fantasy team? ¬†I think it’s flat.” ¬†“Which one?” ¬†“Later, sucker!”
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer. ¬†Member when he hit 10 homers in April and May combined and we were like, “Yo, Freese, bomb, dawg! ¬†He bomb, dawg,” and we choreographed that handshake that required parachutes and a 24-count box of Flavor Ice. ¬†And that was our Freese Shake. ¬†Member that? ¬†Yeah, the parachutes didn’t open and Freese fell back to earth.
David DeJesus – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. ¬†Groove is in the DeJesus.
Justin Germano¬†– 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. ¬†I’d throw me against the Astros right now and I throw like a girl. ¬†No offense to our beautiful four girl readers. ¬†I love the ladies!
Alfonso Soriano – 0-for-2 and a run. ¬†Cubs are still agressively trying to get rid of him. ¬†In related news, Soriano would like to know who listed him on eBay.¬† The eBay username is WonEpstein and there‚Äôs no reserve price.
Scott Moore – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.¬†Seeing that’s one of the more impressive accomplishments this year, August 31st will be ScoMo Bobblehead Day.¬†Not as cool as Jose Altuve Bobblehead Day which is life-sized.
Bud Norris – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, but left yesterday’s game with a foot contusion after trying to do a kick save on a comebacker. ¬†He should change his name to Bud Vezina.