Felix Hernandez joined Philip Humber and Matt Cain in the Perfect Game club this year, shutting down the Rays in Seattle yesterday. If only it was against the Yankees and Ichiro (hitting 9th) was the last hitter and Ichiro bunted. Oh, the Internet drama! Or is it a total dramacracy? What are the kids saying nowadays? For a while King Felix looked out of shape. Oh, uneasy lies the head that wears a crown made from Snickers wrappers. But he checked his Ho Hos at the door and, after a 2011 year where a higher BABIP led to a rise in ratios (3.47/1.22), F-Her is back down to 2010 levels (2.60/1.06) and a not that shabby 11 wins, considering the team he has around him. Based on WAR, the only pitcher with a better AL Cy Young case is Justin Verlander. Even if he doesn’t beat out Verlander, at least he’ll have perfect game bragging rights over him….”So, Justin, I was at the Perfect Game Club and Tom Browning and I were doing body shots off Kate Upton – you know her, right? Yeah, good times.” Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera – Turned out that the MLB does not approve the supplement, Muscle Melk. He was playing so far above his head for the last two years that the Regression Fairies probably tainted his urine. You mess with the Regression Fairies, you get the horns! MLB said they were tipped off by the Hall of Fame groundskeeper, Scoots McDoogle. It seems that when Melky paid Cooperstown a visit, he tried on Bonds’s game-worn helmet from his 756th homer and it fit perfectly. It’s like Cinderella’s glass slipper. If it fits, you’re on ‘roids. At least Melky can now blame the crotch chop gesture to Atlanta fans as ‘roid rage. Would explain why so many wrestlers do the crotch chop too. People should’ve been worried when he wanted to be called, The Melkz. (BTW, the crotch chop that Chipper got so mad at wasn’t even that big of a deal. Chipper is a curmudgeon, and ironically named.) The only thing that really pees me off is I kept saying Melky wasn’t this good, and didn’t draft him because of it and now his fantasy owners reaped almost two seasons of rotten Melk. I think fantasy leagues should remove any stats that were accrued by a player that tests positive. Tell me that wouldn’t be a fun wrinkle. You’re like, “Well, Edwin Encarnacion is playing over his head, and I can keep him on my team, but if he tests positive, then I’m gonna lose all those stats so I better trade him.” A new element to our favorite pastime’s favorite pastime! Our pastime’s pastime? Yeah, I’m not sure. Oh, and drop Melky, as the only position he’s now eligible for is POS. On the bright side (in that if you look deep enough into the dark, you see light again), Melky can still win the batting title. And you thought Reyes was dastardly for sitting out one day for a batting title, Melky’s sitting out 50.
Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Well, we can officially rule out Melky as his problem. I suggest you once again lower your Freak flag.
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he takes over for Flunky. Score that a victory for Blanco’s fans (The Whiteys?). Everyone else (outside of NL-Only leagues), I’d look elsewhere.
Justin Ruggiano – Left yesterday’s game when he strained his oblique. Back to Parma for you Ruggiano!
Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Due to no other options, he’s back in the Marlins 3rd base job…the eversucking Dobbsstopper.
Gorkys Hernandez – 1-for-3 with an RBI. Hey, it’s Gorkys Hernandez, the character from the Telemundo remake of Life Goes On! With Ruggiano out, Gorkys could see an uptick in playing time. Gorkys is a poor man’s Ben Revere — Ben Less-Revered. He’s got speed, but not much else.
Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks with a 3.80 ERA. He lost to Mark Buehrle who has four more wins than Halladay and a lower ERA because the universe is conspiring against you. Not everyone. Just you. That also explains why if you look at that birthmark on your neck with a microscope it says “#fail.”
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Someone asked in the comments yesterday what Scherzer’s nickname was. Well, he started as Jobacum because when he was first called up, his stuff looked like Joba and Lincecum. That now makes absolutely no sense. Next, he went to the name Golem because he sounds like a Michael Chabon character. Then it was Maddening Max Scherzer or “You Make Me Mad” Max. Now that he’s leading the major leagues in strikeouts, he’s just the Maxdaddy.
Delmon Young – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. The scary thing is in 6 seasons 13 homers is now the 2nd most homers he’s ever had in a major league season.
Andy Dirks – 1-for-4 as he batted 2nd yesterday. Now that could be because he played right field and Leyland hits right field 2nd and left field at the bottom of the order. Why? Because he used all but one of his lineup cards to roll tobacco.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Now hitting near .400 in the last week with 2 homers. In Thailand that’s called a bhat panang curry with schmotato.
Steve Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, a run and a steal. Hitting near .450 in the last week and I never thought I’d say this, but when Desmond returns the Nats have too many hitting options. The Nats should bench Harper. I know, that’s treasonous. Selfishly, I’d like to see Desmond go to the minors to get his timing back, so I can continue to play Lombardozzi in an NL-Only league. Or shellfishly, if there’s lobsters reading.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal. Guess the ankle’s okay. Consarn it! I should’ve dropped Ruggiano instead of Werth. I hear you laughing Fantasy Gods and I will curse you with all my might like I’m in a bad Tom Shadyac movie.
Jaime Garcia – Will return on Sunday and take over Joe Kelly’s rotation spot. Dave Dinkins’s fantasy team name is about to make sense again.
Yadier Molina – Will miss 2-3 days with a stiff lower back. Coincidentally, it takes the Molina brothers 2-3 days to complete a Chinese fire drill.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. In like a lion and out like a lion, but lambish in the middle?
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. This is a totally uncalled for jinx, but I don’t own him anywhere so here goes nothing. Last year, he had three months with an ERA around a 2.75, then he tired out and his last month he had an ERA around 7.
Dan Uggla – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Now 15 more before October and we’re all good.
Jemile Weeks – Didn’t start yesterday and speculation around the interweb is that Weeks “could be under pressure” as he continues to drop a lump of coal onto fantasy owners. If he was in New York, Philly, or Boston, that pressure could turn him into a diamond. In Oakland, I think that would convert him into a slightly misshapen briquette.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. As I said in last week’s Buy, when he’s healthy, he’s fine. And that’s me condensing 240 words into five!
Carl Crawford – 0-for-2, 2 RBIs to bring his season total to 19, while Ellsbury went 2-for-4 and recorded his 11th RBI. Comatose Red Sox Fan, who’s been out since March, just woke, “11 RBIs and 19 RBIs? Does Ortiz have 160 RBIs already? A-Gon have 50 homers? Youk carrying us? At least we’re in first, right? In good shape for the Wild Card?”
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs with his 2nd homer in as many games. Just change your password to “Grey’sMoostash” and I’ll pick him up for you.
Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with a steal. He’s now hitting .400 in the last week. On the year, he’s also hitting fifty points better at home. Meaning at Coors. Unless his old lady kicked him out and he’s living in the clubhouse.
Jim Henderson – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. This Brewers closerousel isn’t like the carousel you used to ride when you were a kid. There’s no seat belts, it goes in a circle at ninety miles per hour and the horses throw crap from their hooves at innocent bystanders.
Neil Walker – Dislocated his finger in a 2B-on-2B collision with Mark Ellis. Hey, you put your chocolate in my peanut butter. Hey, you put your finger in my chocolate!
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. Right now, The Wandwagon is like that train in the beginning of The Fugitive and you best dive out of the way.
Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA now up to 5.47. I’ve seen peg boys put together better stretches.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer, average is at .208, which is also his weight after a 4 month bout with malaria.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Now has hits in 6 straight games with two homers. Wait, that’s not right. Hey, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. I mean, Viciedo has six straight games with a hit and two homers came during that stretch. Viciedo gets scorching hot for a few weeks at a time, so if he’s out there Veni Vidi Viciedo.
Mike Leake – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he beat Dickey. A Leake beats a Dickey? Sounds like dribblers were getting through the vas deferens.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and his third straight day with a homer. Maybe New Jersey can still put on their license plates “The Home of Bruce” instead “Hey, What Exit Are You From?”
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 runs with a slam (15) and legs (2). Now hitting over .450 in the last week and that’s all thanks to me not picking him up. You’re welcome.
Chris Johnson – 0-for-3 and 1 for his last 14. “Hey, Chris, could you get out of the car and check the tire on my fantasy team? I think it’s flat.” “Which one?” “Later, sucker!”
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer. Member when he hit 10 homers in April and May combined and we were like, “Yo, Freese, bomb, dawg! He bomb, dawg,” and we choreographed that handshake that required parachutes and a 24-count box of Flavor Ice. And that was our Freese Shake. Member that? Yeah, the parachutes didn’t open and Freese fell back to earth.
David DeJesus – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. Groove is in the DeJesus.
Justin Germano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. I’d throw me against the Astros right now and I throw like a girl. No offense to our beautiful four girl readers. I love the ladies!
Alfonso Soriano – 0-for-2 and a run. Cubs are still agressively trying to get rid of him. In related news, Soriano would like to know who listed him on eBay. The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.
Scott Moore – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Seeing that’s one of the more impressive accomplishments this year, August 31st will be ScoMo Bobblehead Day. Not as cool as Jose Altuve Bobblehead Day which is life-sized.
Bud Norris – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, but left yesterday’s game with a foot contusion after trying to do a kick save on a comebacker. He should change his name to Bud Vezina.