Greetings! Not only did opening week provide screen addicts everywhere an opportunity to put down the joystick for a few hours in order to put more focus into fantasy baseball, obsessing over each pitch like a scorned lover, pretending like any of this REALLY matters as we block out a myriad of life problems, but it provided me with an excuse to write a column, which is a big time win in my book. Heck yea! Super Cool! Sweetness!
Kudos to you if you’ve just recently discovered Razzball, for you are in store for the kind of magical journey you’ve only watched on film. Think ‘Hook’, ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’, the ‘Harry Potter’ flicks, ‘The Lord of the Rings’ Trilogy and ‘Basic Instinct’ all in one. Read further if you’d like to see me spread my legs for you, a la Sharon Stone… metaphorically of course.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!
Players Who Delighted In Week One:
Eric Thames – E.T. went extra terrestrial on Koreans for three seasons, providing nuclear bomb demonstrations on the reg. You thought Tom Selleck had it good in ‘Mr. Baseball’, where he got that scrub and rub in the tub from that stunning Japanese gal? Multiply that times 15 and add in the plot of your favorite adult film.
If you recall, I was one of the few believers in Kang’s abilities carry over and I expect Thames to do the same. Thus far, he’s batting .333 with a jack and two doubles. He’s got to miss the women though.
P.S. The title of this post was created by Kyle, “My favorite Twitter boy”, so shout out to him.
Chris Owings – Speed and power? Has he finally figured it out or is it just a great first week? Only time and a lot of alcohol will tell.
Yasmany Tomas – When I guaranteed Tomas would TRIPLE his home run total from the previous year, last year, I was laughed at, ridiculed even. Yet nobody mentioned me after he had a great season. This Cuban train has figured things out at the plate and this Diamondbacks lineup is all the more savage because of it.
James Paxton – With 13 innings pitched, ZERO runs given up, a 0.69 WHIP and 13 Ks, Paxton is now the ace of the Mariners. The stuff has been there for years, but can he avoid injury? My money says yes, but what’s my money worth to you? I don’t get it either.
Greg Holland – I must say, I was a bit curious as to why nobody seemed to want anything to do with this former thoroughbred. It hadn’t been long since he was one of the top five most dominant closers in the game. Holland is 5/5 in save chances and is a big reason the Rockies feel like they can contend in 2017. Great story.
Cam Bedrosian – It seems that Scioscia was just toying with our emotions when he said he was going with a closer by committee. Killa Cam is a bad man and he’s not giving up that closer’s job, barring injury. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Yasiel Puig – Puig was beginning to remind me of the man who stole our hearts all those years ago after pile driving a bomb every nine at bats. Then he went to Colorado and was given the chance to hit cleanup, where he then proceeded to self destruct like Rick Moranis after ‘Little Giants’. Weed is legal there, so don’t be shocked if he’s a little more clear-headed going forward. You never know how marijuana is going to effect you, my goodmen. Last time I smoked spinach, I ended up drag racing with Eddie Long’s kids in one of his seven Ferraris. God rest the dead. (I actually like Puig this season. Thirty bombs is more than doable.)
Corey Dickerson – Wise monks in hidden mountain tops have told me many a time that “Sometimes we gain by losing. Sometimes, losing is our only path to winning.” Light some incense and search your souls for the meaning here. C-Dick discovered it when he lost 20 pounds by following a strict veal and raw horse diet, skipping weight training for Pilates and yoga. Never has C-Dick’s bat speed been more lethal and I believe that’s being displayed in his .310 batting average and his two long dongers. Expect mucho dongage.
Jay Bruce – A few months back, a dear friend of mine relayed this conversation between myself and Jay the Bruce, and his father in regards to Jay the Bruce letting Beddict down after he was traded to the Mets last season. The conversation played out as written below, word for word.
Jay the Bruce: Home runs, RBI, IG thats…cnothing.
Jay’s father: Nothing?
Jay the Bruce: I have nothing. Men employ me on their fantasy teams because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and children. Those men who bled the ground red at Citi Field fought for Tehol Beddict. He fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face at the anal-bleaching salon and it’s tearing me apart.
Jay’s father: All men betray! All lose heart.
Jay the Bruce: I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HEART!! I want to believe as he does. I will never be on the wrong side again.
Touching… if you have a soft spot for peasantry. Either way, Bruce is batting .276 and has already molly-whomped four hippo sacks out of the ball park en route to eight RBI. And to think, Mets fans all over Twitter were BEGGING management to dump the Bruce like a hot bag of mastodon dung. What say you now, Mets fans? WHAT SAY YOU NOW????
Michael Pineda – Pineda flirted and almost fornicated with perfection the other day, striking out 11 batters while only giving up two hits in seven innings pitched. I’ve been high on Pineda since way back so you know I’m gonna strip naked, coat my entire body in a thick caramel coating, call up some craigslist chicks and let em go to town like a pack of wild hogs.
Aaron Sanchez – We are now bound by blood after I accidentally drafted on to my Razzball “Expert” RCL at pick 50 overall. The Elders tell me that Sanchez will lead me to glory. His nice first start was a tad misleading as he had trouble locating the strike zone but hopefully that’s all in the past now.
Players Who Disgraced In Week One
Edwin Diaz – We all witnessed the Mariners implode like Nicolas Cage auditioning for the role of James Bond, with Lord Edwin being a large part of that disaster in giving up three earned, on three hits and two walks. A part of my soul was lost that night.
Mookie Betts – Has played sparingly in between bouts of the flu which has swept in a like a tsunami, with locker room attendants needing to come up for air for all these blowholes. Let’s hope this is turned around quickly as we finally witnessed a spark last night with Mookie poking two dribblers for singles.
Sam Dyson – “I am Sam’s” ERA is sitting at a solid 36.00 flat, and with young, former bad boy turned righteous by the Elder Gods, Matt Bush, frothing at the mouth like a diseased Manatee, ready to mow down as much turtle grass as it takes to win the closers job. You could see this coming towards the end of last year as Dyson fell off a cliff for a while, so only a fool would draft him 2017… I am one of the fools (Only in one league…but still).
P.S. Remember how quickly they bailed on Shawn Tolleson last season before Dyson took over? Last I heard, Tolleson was scrubbing bathroom stalls in Tijuana meth labs, but that could just be hearsay.
Blake Treinen – It’s been said that Treinen is the Kevin Federline of closers… only he didn’t get to carve Britney Spears’s turkey and become a multimillionaire in the process, so I’m not really sure what that means but Blake’s ERA at 8.10 is looking extremely Popo zao-ish.
Gary Sanchez – I feel like I just saw my girlfriend getting pig-roasted by the New York Knicks starting five. Why is this happening? Ugh, it’s only a month. It’s only a month. It’s only a month…
Domonic Brown – The man once known to all as “Prince Domonic” has gone missing. If you have any clues regarding his whereabouts, I’d be much obliged if you shared.
Miguel Cabrera – Hitting a buck twenty-five with no dongs or McRibs is downright peasant-like for a man of this caliber? Has father time finally caught up to this hitting savant or has it only been a week and I’m smoking peyote?
Max Kepler – Sen Dog used to tell me, “Beddict my guy, when the shizz go down, you better be ready.” My goodmen, the shizz has gone down and I’m ready to bail on Kepler like A&E did Dog the Bounty Hunter after his N-bomb tirade was revealed. Fun fact: Beddict once dressed up as Dog for Halloween. But that’s a story for another time for my Beth ended up being a Bart. A fat Bart.
Byron Buxton – Striking out 17 times in 29 at bats in an impressive feat….and by impressive I mean impressive like, “Oh, that’s how they make sausage? That’s impressive.” Yes, both are impressive….both are disgusting to look at. I hope you find what you’re looking for, young Byron, sweet, young and noble Byron.
Giancarlo Stanton – This man’s glutes once made my date faint when she caught sight of them in the locker room after we were invited down after I took a flying bat to the face while scoping out any chicks who will make eye-contact with, seeing if I have anything left in the tank, you know? Alas, my insecurities cost me permanent damage to my right eye and Stanton ended up giving my date his Louisville slugger while I was locked in the boiler room for 36 hours with no food or water. Anyway, Stanton hasn’t given me a single bomb so land here, he must. Fret not, for I’m guessing it won’t often occur.
Thank you for joining me for this season’s first edition of Disgrace/Delight. If you’d like my input on anything at all, please feel free to comment below. Let’s chat later.