This whole opening will be devoted to Trevor Rosenthal. Why? Because you are being put on notice, a notice to cease and desist your sucktitude. Watching you makes me wanna renew my prescription card to the herbal remedy place. The stats are yuck, take your K’s and jump around as he huffs and puffs and blows your WHIP house down. I wanna take a moment and send this note just for Trevor.
Trevor… Hey what’s up man. I don’t know you, don’t know if you read Razzball, but you should, because we are like the Danity Kane of Fantasy Baseball. Take a look over your shoulder my friend, you see that beard having flame thrower getting prepped in the minors? Yeah, that’s basically Wally Pipp coming back, but in this case he will be called Jason Motte. Now, Jason is a level-headed bloke, he stabbed someone in 3rd grade for stealing his apple sauce at snack time, and though all charges were dropped and wall-ball was played after… he is coming. Like the Balrog that Gandalf had to beat up… You have been warned homie. Oh, and say hello to your mother for me.
So if you are reading this and have a DL spot,or a wasted spot you wanna spec on for a week or two, now is the time. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, he comes back and shats the bed on your bench, but who cares? That’s like doing it on someone else’s bed, and they have a maid. Stick around for some tid-bits or bits of tid for the guy who wears a helmet and reads this column.
- The Oakland situation is like this: must be lefty and have beard. Sean Doolittle has to be the guy now, I am sorry, but he just has to be. Double JJ sucks, Luke has been anything but hot, and Cook was overdone and injured. There is no way that they can continue having their bullpen destroy beautiful games by there top-2 AL ERA. I mean, I am by far not the smartest guy and Lefties never get the love for closing duties, so step into my office… cause your freaking fired.
- If Buck wasn’t so hard to read… he is like a fortune cookie that was written in crayon, soaked in water, burnt, smeared and then sprinkled gingerly in a Feng Shui pattern. Tommy Hunter is K’ing guys at a career rate and also letting them go for free at a career rate. O’Day and Britton are in an arm wrestling match right now as to who will be the “just-in-case guy”. Me personally, I love some of that Britton. Only problem is, Buck is a guy who likes his vets. It’s more of a hold situation than a drop everything I have to go to waivers type thing.
Marry
What’s better than having the comfort of having a great stand-by at home? Nothing. It helps you, it lives for you and gosh darn’it, you can do with it as you please, under the jurisdictions of the law. It’s got a nice pre-kids body and a penchant for baking. So we have the roster stalwarts that you want to have and hold for this season forward.
1. Craig Kimbrel – (David Carpenter, Anthony Varvaro, Luis Avilan)
2. Kenley Jansen – (Chris Perez, Brian Wilson, Chris Withrow)
3. Greg Holland – (Wade Davis, Kelvin Herrera, Aaron Crow)
4. Francisco Rodriguez – (Will Smith, Zach Duke, Brandon Kintzler)
5. Koji Uehara – (Edward Mujica, Jinichi Tazawa, Andrew Miller)
6. Aroldis Chapman – (Jonathan Broxton, J.J. Hoover, Manny Parra)
7. Glen Perkins – (Casey Fien, Jared Burton, Caleb Thielbar)
8. Joe Nathan – (Joba Chamberlain, Al Albuquerque, Ian Krol)
9. Sergio Romo – (Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt, Jean Machi)
F#ck
These guys are fun, and maybe some day you’ll want to marry them, but right now they have their flaws and you’re not sure if you wanna take them home to mom. So you give them the special booty-call ring designation on your phone, and you get everything that marriage can’t give you. Stats are the important thing here, and lots of them, no obligations. No alimony attached, just straight unadulterated stats.
10. Trevor Rosenthal – (Kevin Siegrist, Carlos Martinez, Jason Motte-DL)
11. Huston Street – (Juaquin Benoit, Dale Thayer, Nick Vincent)
12. Jonathan Papelbon – (Antonio Bastardo, Mike Adams, Jake Diekman)
13. Rafael Soriano – (Tyler clippard, Drew Storen, Aaron Barrett)
14. David Robertson – (Adam Warren, Dellin Bettances, Matt Thornton)
15. Steve Cishek – (Mike Dunn, A.J. Ramos, Carter Capps)
16. Addison Reed – (Brad Ziegler, Randall Delgado, J.J. Putz-DL)
17. Fernando Rodney – (Danny Farquahar, Yoervis Medina, Tom Wilhelmsen)
18. Joakim Soria – (Alexi Ogando, Neal Cotts, Jason Frasor)
19. Casey Janssen – (Steve Delabar, Aaron Loup, Brett Cecil)
20. Tommy Hunter – (Darren O’Day, Zach Britton)
21. LaTroy Hawkins – (Adam Ottavino, Boone Logan, Rex Brothers)
22. Mark Melancon – (Justin Wilson, Tony Watson Bryan Morris)
23. Grant Balfour – (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
Kill
Should be self-explanatory. There is no comfort in this grouping, along with the fear of looking suspicious when buying a new shovel and some lyme when all that you wanna do is plant a new butterfly bush. The jib? The newly injured replacements are here or just they’re just the unproven. All should be laid to rest, unless desperation or injury becomes you. Don’t get comfy, death or stat-suicide may be closer than it appears.
24. Matt Lindstrom – (Daniel Webb, Scott Downs, Frank Francisco)
25. Joe Smith / Ernesto Frieri – (Michael Kohn)
26. Bryan Shaw / Cody Allen – (John Axford)
27. Sean Doolittle – (Luke Gregerson , Jim Johnson)
28. Hector Rondon – (Neil Ramirez, James Russell, Justin Grimm)
29.-Jeurys Familia – (Jose Valverde, Jenrry Mejia)
30. Chad Qualls – (Anthony Bass, Paul Clemens, tony Sipp)
