If you cheated and looked ahead before reading, shame on you! But, for those who didn’t, I am attaching my cart to Francisco Rodriguez. Not only has he done nothing wrong (which seems impossible for closers nowadays), but looks in no danger of getting the rug ripped out from under him. The team is winning, the bullpen is toight like a tiger, and Jimbo Hendo looks to be doing a swell job as second fiddle. Not only would I marry K-rod right now, he can also fart in my dinner… tonight. (Ed. Note– Protip: I wait until at least the second date before letting farts in my food.) I mean what he is doing is pretty remarkable– most saves in April, EVER. It reminds me of the good times when I played the jug in the band The Dixie Cups. For a barely drafted guy who wasn’t even the teams first choice for saves… and to also be giving your team a saves boost for basically nothing, you should wanna carry his luggage. So keep reading to see what other closer goodies I got for ya… or just skip to the comments and tell me something awesome.
- Grant Balfour, if you haven’t noticed, has been a non-factor in the save stat category thingy. Since my last closer ranks, he doesn’t have a single save. Not one. That’s zero, or nil for our Fútbol fans. Tampa, as a whole, is also dead last in save opportunities with only five all season. I’m not Pythagoras, but that’s freaking awful, divided by Pi R squared.
- Joe Smith has taken over for Ernesto Frieri, and Scoscia doesn’t know which way is up. He is a catcher who backs his pitchers, I will give him that. Smith has had as many saves as Frieri, only he did it in two days, not three weeks. Not being scored upon since tax day is aiding his closing fortitude, but I don’t forsee him getting a very long leash, so don’t put all your eggs in the generic-sounding closer.
- I have to admit that I may have given less credit than credits due to LaTroy Hawkins. I viewed him as a stop-gap for Colorado, and all he’s done is go 8-8 in save chances, while everyone else around him has blown four saves. If he K’d more, I would kare more, but he doesn’t. That, and he is on so many unpronounceable old people pills.
Marry
What’s better than having the comfort of having a great stand-by at home? Nothing. It helps you, it lives for you and gosh darn’it, you can do with it as you please, under the jurisdictions of the law. It’s got a nice pre-kids body and a penchant for baking. So we have the roster stalwarts that you want to have and hold for this season forward.
1. Craig Kimbrel – (David Carpenter, Jordan Walden, Luis Avilan)
2. Kenley Jansen – (Chris Perez, Chris Withrow, Brian Wilson)
3. Greg Holland – (Wade Davis, Kelvin Herrera, Aaron Crow)
4. Trevor Rosenthal – (Carlos Martinez, Kevin Siegrist, Jason Motte-DL)
5. Koji Uehara – (Edward Mujica, Junichi Tazawa)
6. Francisco Rodriguez – (Jim Henderson, Tyler Thornburg, Will Smith)
7. Glen Perkins – (Jared Burton, Casey Fien, Caleb Thielbar)
8. Joe Nathan – (Joba Chamberlain, Al Albuquerque)
F#ck
These guys are fun, and maybe some day you’ll want to marry them, but right now they have their flaws and you’re not sure if you wanna take them home to mom. So you give them the special booty-call ring designation on your phone, and you get everything that marriage can’t give you. Stats are the important thing here, and lots of them, no obligations. No alimony attached, just straight unadulterated stats.
9. Sergio Romo – (Santiago Casilla, Jean Machi, Javier Lopez)
10. Jonathan Papelbon – (Antonio Bastardo, Jake Diekman, Mike Adams)
11. Addison Reed – (J.J. Putz, Brad Ziegler)
12. David Robertson – (Shawn Kelley, Matt Thornton, Adam Warren)
13. Steve Cishek – (A.J. Ramos, Mike Dunn)
14. Huston Street – (Joaquin Benoit, Dale Thayer, Alex Torres)
15. Rafael Soriano – (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
16. Fernando Rodney – (Danny Farquhar, Tom Wilhelmsen, Yoervis Medina)
17. Tommy Hunter – (Darren O’Day, Ryan Webb, Brian Matusz)
18. Grant Balfour – (Joel Peralta, Heath Bell, Jake McGee)
19. John Axford – (Cody Allen, Bryan Shaw)
20. Joakim Soria – (Alexei, Ogando, Neal Cotts, Jason Frasor)
Kill
Should be self-explanatory. There is no comfort in this grouping, along with the fear of looking suspicious when buying a new shovel and some lyme when all that you wanna do is plant a new butterfly bush. The jib? The newly injured replacements are here or just they’re just the unproven. All should be laid to rest, unless desperation or injury becomes you. Don’t get comfy, death or stat-suicide may be closer than it appears.
21. Mark Melancon – (Tony Watson, Justin Wilson)
22. LaTroy Hawkins – (Rex Brothers, Adam Ottavino, Matt Belisle)
23. Sergio Santos – (Steve Delabar, Aaron Loup, Casey Janssen-DL)
24. Luke Gregerson – (Jim Johnson, Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle)
25. Joe Smith – (Ernesto Frieri, Michael Kohn)
26. Jonathan Broxton – (J.J. Hoover, Sam LeCure, Manny Parra)
27. Matt Lindstrom -(Daniel Webb, Scott Downs, Nate Jones-DL)
28. Kyle Farnsworth – (Diasuke Matsuzaka, Jose Valverde, Scott Rice)
29. Hector Rondon – (Pedro Strop, Jose Veras)
30. Josh Fields, Chad Qualls, Anthony Bass
