With the trade deadline in the bag and closers moving, we have a lot to talk about. Some of it refreshing like a glass of ice cold lemonade on a summer’s day. Some of it less so like being asked to write something for Lainie Kazan, wondering who Lainie Kazan is and Googling her to find Playboy pics from the 1970’s juxtaposed with her present-day pics. You’ve been warned to not Google, now the choice is yours. Broxton and Brett Myers were so gonna be traded somewhere, that it was written on the side of a building by Banksy and the building left it there because it was by Banksy and everyone got to see it for months. Everyone else that was rumored to be moving somewhere was written on the side of a building by Neck Face and covered up last week. If you don’t know who Neck Face is, that you can Google. No, I don’t think they should’ve covered it, but they did. In relevant closer news (more to come on Thursday afternoon), Bobby Parnell got the Mets closer job and looked like Ploppy Crapnell, Joe Nathan looks like he’s finally hitting a wall, Ernesto Frieri is crashing into the wall repeatedly trying to go through it with a Smart Car, Matt Capps returned from injury to return to the DL with the same injury he shouldn’t have returned from, Ryan’s hope is Cook’d, Mo Rivera was rumored to returned and those rumors were false, Jim Johnson’s finally looking like Jim Johnson, John Axford’s looking like Carrot Top’s jokes, Aceves has been fine, but Bailey is looming, Santiago Casilla might be the closer though it’s unclear if Bochy knows for sure and Wilton Lopez was named the closer and rightfully no one cares. It’s the closerousel, y’all! Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (Eric O’Flaherty, Jonny Venters)
2. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Brandon League)
3. Aroldis Chapman (Jonathan Broxton, Sean Marshall, Jose Arredondo)
4. Fernando Rodney (+1) (Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Peralta)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (-1) (Antonio Bastardo)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Rafael Soriano (+3) (David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jason Grilli, Chris Resop)
8. Jason Motte (+2) (Mitchell Boggs, Fernando Salas)
9. Huston Street (+9) (Dale Thayer, Luke Gregerson)
10. Rafael Betancourt (+2) (Rex Brothers, Matt Belisle)
11. Tom Wilhelmsen (+4) (Lucas Luetge, Josh Kinney)
12. Chris Perez (+7) (Vinnie Pestano)
13. J.J. Putz (-1) (David Hernandez)
14. Jose Valverde (+2) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
15. Joe Nathan (-5) (Mike Adams, Robbie Ross)
16. Addison Reed (-3) (Brett Myers, Matt Thornton)
17. Casey Janssen (+5) (Brandon Lyon, Brad Lincoln)
18. Greg Holland (+2) (Aaron Crow, Tim Collins)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
19. Ernesto Frieri (-13) (Jason Isringhausen, LaTroy Hawkins, Scott Downs, Jordan Walden)
20. Jim Johnson (-16) (Pedro Strop)
21. Carlos Marmol (+5) (James Russell, Shawn Camp)
22. Tyler Clippard (Drew Storen, Sean Burnett)
23. Santiago Casilla (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
24. Steve Cishek (+5) (Heath Bell, Michael Dunn)
25. Ryan Cook (-14) (Grant Balfour, Sean Dolittle)
26. Bobby Parnell (Jon Rauch, Frank Francisco)
27. Alfredo Aceves (Andrew Bailey, Vicente Padilla)
28. John Axford (-9) (Francisco Rodriguez, Kameron Loe)
29. Jared Burton/Glen Perkins (Matt Capps)
30. Wilton Lopez (-9) (Francisco Cordero, Clint Howard)
