In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes —  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  —  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

  1. Bum Juice says:

    Grey, have you explained what the little green and red numbers refer to?

  2. Bum Juice says:

    Oh never mind, it’s pretty self-evident. I was just thrown off by Kuo’s number. But I guess he in Broxton’s former slot at this point. I M SMRT.

  3. Back to Minors says:

    Great closer list. I was actually just was wondering where Rodney ranked, came on the site, and boom!

    Another topic, Mets/Reyes just piss me off. Why don’t they just DL him and stop the torture!!?

  4. Back to Minors says:

    @Bum Juice: they refer to the direction they are headed in the rankings, compared to the last list.

  5. cain fan says:

    I believe this is the first time in my life that I have owned TWO $12 salads! I love it since I drafted both after the 13th round. Soriano, Wagner, Dotel and Lindstrom = 1st place in SVs, booyah!

  6. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Bum Juice: Yeah, what Minors said.

    @Back to Minors: Yeah, the Mets are messing with you.

    @cain fan: You’ve nurtured your donkeycorns and they’ve repaid you handsomely.

  7. Deeeeeez Nuts says:

    Is Trevor Hoffman Ken Macha’s lover?

  8. jsp2014 says:

    the brain freezes are like a who’s who of my closers. i have 5 on one team alone. Juan G deserves a tier just for himself. SAGNOF FTW, as the kids say.

    does Uehara’s ranking mean you think Mike G will take over at some point? ratios-wise, he’s been lights out against tough competition.

  9. Rumor is that Desmond Jennings is getting called up…apparently his friends are congratulating him on his facebook page (no lie).

  10. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Deeeeeez Nuts: Can’t confirm either way.

    @jsp2014: Ha! Uehara looks to be the closer for now. Mike G. should be the closer, but tell that to Buck.

    @Mark Geoffriau: Thanks for the heads up!

  11. royce! says:

    Freddie Freeman’s getting called up as well. Are Freeman and Jennings going to get playing time?

  12. Wiley says:

    Finally time to drop Napoli for Ruiz or Jaso? I’ve got nothing against Napoli, but it’s pretty damn sad you have to fight for playing time while leading the team with HRs in limited at bats.

  13. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: Don’t think so.

    @Wiley: I wouldn’t.

  14. Wiley says:

    Might I also add Ramon Hernandez to post #12. H2H 6×6 league with batter K’s and OBP.

  15. Steve says:

    Yu Lo Kuo.

  16. Frank Rizzo says:

    So Storen is the unquestioned starter now? Noticed he moved up 5 points.

  17. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Wiley: Nah

    @Steve: Hehe

    @Frank Rizzo: Closer… Yeah, he should be unless he coughs up a few games.

  18. fitz says:

    Soria is definitely a $12 salad. C’mon

  19. tall chicks says:

    @fitz: Soria being on a poopy team makes him max out as just a really good donkeycorn.

  20. tall chicks says:

    Part of ESPN’s spin on J.A. Happ after last night’s start: “Since coming over to the Astros he has a 3.32 ERA in 40.2 innings with a 20:2 K:BB.” Um, 20:2 K:BB?? Where did they get those numbers? I had to look it up, and it’s actually 32:20 K:BB. Is ESPN trying to roofie people?

  21. Jeff says:

    CC and Span fro Bills and Romero?

    I don’t start Span anymore and am about to lose Morrow and Gio (due to them getting shut down) right when we expand rosters and start an extra SP. Do I go for it?

  22. Nurturing the donkeycorn. Too damn funny.
    Ranking Kuo, then Takahashi, then Koji. Is it a Team Dodger, Met, Orioles factor? Maybe a Taiwan, Tokyo, Japan factor? & would you drop Bailey for any of them (in that order) before he ruins a playoff run? Or might they be even more likely to do the same? Thanks!

  23. Grey

    Grey says:

    @tall chicks: Weird…

    @Jeff: I’d want the CC side or more for it. At this point though, if you really need SPs, go for it.

    @zombie: I’d lose Bailey for any of them if I needed saves.

  24. skeptopotamus says:

    Safe to start Mad Bum tonight? I don’t like his numbers against the Rox, his stats at home, or his last start, but I would rather not get sonavabench’d if he bounces back.

    Also, first time commenting, long time reading (but not that long). Thanks for the site!

  25. Shmorgie S. Board says:

    “For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.”

    This is my favorite dirty-but-legal Endgame tactic, been doing it for three seasons or so.

  26. Rob says:

    Is the Luke Scott hot streak over? Maybe time to drop him for Jay Bruce?

  27. struggler says:

    No fringe starter post this week? You grabbing Mejia for his Saturday start vs CHC or playing wait and see?

  28. Steve says:

    Level of risk starting Minor today? It’s H2H and I’m in good shape ERA and WHIP-wise thanks to Erv the Swerve, Masset and Wagner yesterday.

    I’m playing a ghost team and need a big win to grab a bye in the first round of the playoffs. He has Wandy going today and Roy O tomorrow.

    Obviously I have safer starts this week, but I don’t want to overthink it.

    Overthink? As if (emoticon).

  29. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Shmorgie S. Board: Hehe… Do you also email or message the team that there’s a closer available so the right person gets him?

    @Rob: Go with Bruce.

    @struggler: Fringe start post has come on Thursday for the last two weeks. I’m not grabbing Mejia, but he’s not a bad option in some leagues.

    @Steve: I’d start Minor. Worst case, you have to grab other guys later in the week to make up for it.

  30. Steve says:

    @Grey: Yeah – I have Hamels, Latos, Buchholz, T Hudson and Garza to come this week, amongst others.

  31. peter says:

    @Sidd Finch: …bet he can’t play the french horn worth a lick, either.

  32. emceeperiod says:

    You start Anderson @ Yankees tomorrow in a 10 teamer?

  33. Shmorgie S. Board says:

    @Grey: Hell yes. In fact I’ve emailed 3 or 4 dudes who were behind the guy in Saves who was right behind me in the standings. In fact, one year, I practically begged one dude to pick up a suddenly-closer, but he was in a second-division coma and didn’t. I won the league but only due to a tie-breaker. I would have won outright if my friend Mr. Dumas had been paying attention!

    When I first thought of the scheme, I looked at myself in the mirror like Harvey Korman in a Mel Brooks movie, “You’re evil, ruthless, and devilishly handsome.” Needless to say, I ordered in that night.

  34. Hitman says:

    Dusty isn’t starting his hottest hitter… go figure.

  35. 1st Season Manager says:

    H2H, 14-team, non-keep, playoff-time

    1. Have OF-Crawford, Heyward, Ethier, Torres, Tabata (should have picked up Bruce).
    Pick up Thames, Bernadina, or Morse?
    If none, for my 4th OF/Util, use Torres or Tabata or gut feeling?

    2. Have C-Ruiz.
    Pick up Barajas, Pierzynski, Jaso, or Buck?

    3. Have 3rd-Betemit (missed out on Peralta).
    Pick up Kouz, Wigginton, J.Nix, Bonifacio

    Thanks, Grey!

  36. emceeperiod says:

    Rest of the season: Brian Roberts or Ryan Raburn?

  37. Grey

    Grey says:

    @emceeperiod: They give you different things. If you need steals, Raburn’s useless.

  38. Tom Emanski says:

    Yahoo’s player pool is really stupid. They’ll have some minor leaguers but not others. I want to pick up Moustakas NOW, not Brian Dopirak (pronounced Dope Iraq–topical!!)

  39. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Tom Emanski: No rhyme or reason for who’s in there.

  40. Steve says:

    Wow, Minor nearly had a major problem there. Could have been a LOT worse.

  41. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: He’s cool under pressure.

  42. Steve says:

    @Grey: So it seems.

    But lifted for McLouth? That’s no way for any pitcher to leave the game.

  43. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Yeah, they’re really babying him.

  44. Steve says:

    @Grey: I’m prepared to accept that his career perhaps carries a little – just a little, mind you – more weight than my fantasy season.

    Braves are doing the right thing by him (and me!) in the bottom half of the inning, though.

  45. barker says:

    betemit peralta kouz

    as replacement for beckham

  46. struggler says:

    Soo Niemann shell-shocked with another 7ERs. While the Yanks cruising to an easy victory. When’s Hellickson going to get sent down to stretch his arm out…oh wait.

  47. Steve says:

    Effing Rajai. Why does he have to stop hitting now?

  48. Tom Emanski says:

    Ryan Howard has to hit about, oh, 25 HRs in the next month to redeem himself. My playoff team would appreciate it.

  49. fitz says:

    Jeter won’t reach 3,000 hits at this rate. Terrible.

  50. Barack Obama (I play fantasy baseball.) says:

    Why is Axford in the Brain Freeze section? He’s better than at least half the donkeycorns. Is it only because Trevor hovers over him, because Hoffman is not getting the job back, only the occasional save and the overhyped 600. Ax man is a donkeycorn.

  51. Wilsonian says:

    I’ve got a couple of studs at 2nd that are playing like garbage lately in Weeks and Utley. I’ve come to the conclusion that obviously Utley won’t be dropped, leaving me with the obvious choice of the one I would drop. That being said, in my 8 team h2h, would you drop Weeks for any of the hot (relatively speaking) guys here:

    Desmond, Young, Hill, Beckham, Walker? I know it’s kind of bleh but I’m not getting shizz for production out of 2nd right now in a pretty crucial time. Thanks dude…

  52. BSA says:

    So I began the season with (what I thought were two $12 salads in Broxton and Soria) and I am going into September with 2 (or so depending on Torre’s and Broxton’s mood)Brain Freezes and one Donkey Corn. It’ll make for another interesting ride this year.

  53. big o says:

    ozzie and jenks …. still screwing with me .

    good news ==> scott goes deep vs a lefty (dubront) …. leading the O’s
    for team triple crown .

  54. big o says:

    this uehara better be good , cuz ,
    matusz deserves this win .

  55. royce! says:

    Chapman’s pitching. 103 second pitch!

  56. royce! says:

    Though the announcer said 102. Something’s fishy…

  57. Steve says:

    Think you have that ***hole Storen a little high there, Grey.

  58. BSA says:

    @Steve: I think that is the strongest language I have seen on here from Steve.

  59. Steve says:

    @BSA: To be fair, he’s the least of the offenders on my team today.

  60. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: It looked about 101, check those guns!

    @Steve: Damn Brain Freezes!

  61. big o says:

    kiwi’s kousin coming through , down in houston .

    perfect 9-0 since jumping in as closer .
    cool as a cucumber salad .

  62. Wilsonian says:

    @Grey: and right on cue Weeks decides to attempt to stay on my team…

  63. BSA says:

    @Steve: There is no being fair when putting someone (or all of them) on the hot seat.
    @big o: Still surprised Steve left him in FA pool in the RCL.

  64. royce! says:

    @BSA: At first I read it as ****hole, and thought that something really terrible happened. .1 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 1 ER merits “***hole.” Though if it wasn’t a tie game, walk-off situation, it could have been a lot worse, which would have merited “****hole.”

  65. BSA says:

    @royce!: I actually would, and probably will before the end of the season, term a player with that performance an “***HOLE!” Oh wait I have Broxton. Been there done that! :)

    All I know right now is that I cannot catch the Schmohawks for nothing.

  66. Steve says:

    I’d love to see the photos that Mathis has of Scoscia.

    Maybe it’s him and Napoli’s mother.

  67. royce! says:

    @BSA: Oh yeah, Broxton deserves a lot worse. But what I was saying was that I miscounted the amount of asterisks. I thought Steve was calling Storen something worse than he actually was…or at least I assume three asterisks is worse than four.

    It was a nonsense comment on my part. I’m often told that mishearing something does not make for a funny story. It’s kinda like telling people about one’s hilarious dreams.

  68. big o says:

    fantasy baseballing aside ,
    this rangers’ bullpen is going to miss the calming effect
    of chair-tossing frankie frank .

  69. royce! says:

    @Steve: Ha! Although I wouldn’t actually be interested in seeing them.

  70. Steve says:

    @royce!: When the rest of the guys on your team are 6/37, anyone can become an ***hole.

  71. royce! says:

    @Steve: Yep. Damn car holes.

    Moe: Garage? Hey, fellas, the garage. Well, ooh la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman.
    Homer: Well, what do you call it?
    Moe: A car hole

  72. tall chicks says:

    Is Cliff Lee hiding an injury or something? WTF Cliff! I traded a $12 salad for you!

  73. TastelessGarbage says:

    Anyone know the deal with N. Feliz?

  74. royce! says:

    @TastelessGarbage: I don’t own him but I wish I did?

  75. Wilsonian says:

    @royce!: it looks like he was supposed to come in but didn’t…I’m not 100% sure what exactly was going on there.

  76. Tom Emanski says:

    Thank you Howard. Now how about 10-15 more of those over the next 3 weeks?

    I’m seriously considering dropping Storen, even though he’s a closer.

  77. royce! says:

    @Wilsonian: Oops, my bad. For those owners not in my leagues, I hope he’s fine and it’s only that it wasn’t a save situation.

  78. Black Beard says:

    I’ve always been fortunate to have my good pitching get backed up by offense (even if they only showed up when I needed ala Greinke last year).

    That being said, I’m a first time Felix owner and the lack of run support just drives me bananners.

  79. Joey says:

    @ grey

    Is Mike Minor still going to be in the Braves rotation from here on?

  80. Wilsonian says:

    @royce!: Luckily for me the team I have him on also has Soria, Capps, Lyon and Rodney, but I’d definitely prefer it him to just have caught a case of the shits or something.

    @Tom Emanski: I’m thinking the same thing about Storen. Rodney is on waivers and I already have my claim pending with a drop of Pelfrey, but I’m debating on dropping Storen instead. My only issue is that my other two closers are the Ax man and Capps, two guys who don’t get all the saves on their teams.

  81. TastelessGarbage says:

    @Grey: Thanks, Grey. When your team is 90% pitching, can’t afford to lose your only Donkeycorn right now.

  82. Steve says:

    @Grey: Wait, what? What’s the deal with Minor?

  83. Black Beard says:

    @Grey: Chaps my ass, Grey. Guy deserves some damn accolades.

  84. big o says:

    how long has it been since wagner had a svo ?

  85. Wilsonian says:

    I would like to say that Adam LaRoche scored a few points in my book tonight for getting Kelly Johnson’s intro music changed to “It’s Raining Men”.

  86. Alex says:

    Do i bench Lincecum against Colorado tomorrow? playing for a playoff spot and can’t risk too much after Gallardo crapped all over my ERA and WHIP today.

  87. Steve says:

    Et tu, League?

  88. Joey says:


    Who is the best pickup for the next two weeks – not looking for speed or power in particular

    Raburn, Bernadina, Thames, Stubbs, S. Drew, C. Blake

  89. Steve says:

    Looks like Leaugue is going to vulture a win, but if I’m a Felix owner I’m screaming into a pillow right now.

  90. danimal35 says:

    @big o: try playing in a league that awards QS instead of W’s

  91. Steve says:

    @Grey: So he’s actually done, or are you surmising that he’s only got another start or two left?

  92. big o says:

    have one h2h league that rewards both QS and Wins .
    and 3 roto leagues .

  93. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: He’ll start a few more times. I meant that Minor won’t be in the rotation from here on. He’ll be skipped here and there.

  94. Steve says:

    @Grey: Gotcha – thanks!

  95. emceeperiod says:

    I was gonna ask u what u think about Scherzer at MIN tomorrow, but my guess is that you’ll say “start him if you need K’s, but not if u need to keep your ERA low.” My question is…what do you got for his line tomorrow? 7 K’s 4ER 10 baserunners in 6.2 sound about right? Scherzer’s been balling lately but Twins got some bats, though sounds like Kubel will be out. Thanks Grey.

  96. jsp2014 says:

    hahaha 4 saves on one team from brain freezes. first/only time ever. love it!

  97. mapwheel says:

    I think Aardsma is back to donkeycorn status after a horrendous mid-season. He’s been pitching a lot better lately and getting the groundouts.

    That’s just my opinion. I don’t have an all-knowing fantasy mustache or anything. Note to self: grow all-knowing fantasy mustache.

Comments are closed.