Beck’s Not A Loser Baby, But The Rockies Are

So, that’s why they got rid of Zac Veen? Oh, you know I’m on that bullshit still. You know I am! How do you not know this by now? This is what I do! Complain about the Rockies! Jordan Beck had a three-homer day yesterday, going 4-for-7 with 5 RBIs as the Rockies were swept and have the worst record in baseball. Worse than the White Sux! Take that Colorado Suckies! Also, in this doubleheader, Hunter Goodman went 2-for-8, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer. Goodman is the 1st time I had an inclination about a Rockies player having some value in the preseason and Bud Black didn’t immediately kill that value. I don’t say this as an exaggeration. There’s no superlative here. That is just the truth. The Goodman’s truth, me and Hunter. Also, as the Suckies effin’ sucked, they threw out there Chase Dollander (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.91). His name sounds like Chase Dreams, after he washes out, and reemerges in his 20’s as an influencer. Though, then it might be more like Chase Dollarer. So, do I suggest Jordan Beck? Should you grab him? Will he be in this afternoon’s Buy column? No, meh and zero chance. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Ragans – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.40, but left the game with groin tightness. Wish he gave me groin tightness. “This start was at home vs. the Suckies?” I say like a father whose son just broke up with Sydney Sweeney, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Nudging Ragans, emphatically pointing at Lorenzen’s start, gesticulating wildly. Lorenzen was a Streamonator call.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .181. After drafting Vinnie Pasketti, someone said to me something like, “Ooh, nice pick.” Yeah, what’s so effin’ nice about it? This guy couldn’t hit a meatball, and he’s the most Italian-sounding guy!

Jake Mangum – Hit the IL with a groin strain, i.e., Mangum hurt his Mangun.

Christopher Morel – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .268. It’s still early, he said a lot lately, but hitting near-.270 for Morel is quite the change of pace. Also, the back-to-back jacks mean hot bat.

Tim Tawa – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column but there is a case to be made he’s worth a pickup in deeper leagues. I do wonder where he goes when Ketel returns. He should play, but I doubt he will.

Corbin Burnes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Arguably the best he’s looked this season, and still looked kinda iffy — gave up two more unearned runs, only went 5 1/3, etc. (One says “etc.” when one wants it to seem like there’s more when there’s not.)

Tobias Myers – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks as he was activated from the IL. He looked pretty rusty yesterday, but I remember liking Tobias Myers, so I wanted to reacquaint myself with him. I opened his stats page, and his minor league career is longer than Minnie Minosa’s baseball career. He started playing in the minors in 2016, and he still doesn’t have a full MLB season! Like your sister at college, that’s pretty wild. Myers is an 8.2-8.6 K/9, 2.3-2.8 BB/9 guy, who will likely be a Streamonator call in 12-teamers and valuable in deeper leagues.

Landen Roupp – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.91. I regret to inform his stats appear like he should be way better. What’s that, you don’t have an appearances category in your league? That’s fair, but I’d try to hold.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. They’re going to study my brain one day to see how I can spell Yastrzemski from memory, but don’t remember my wife’s phone number. “I’m sorry, Cougs, but could you make your phone number spell out Rzepczynski?”

Matt Chapman – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .227. He was the 1st person to homer off a 100+ MPH pitch this season. But basketball is difficult with a 7-foot-tall person putting a ball in a hoop by hopping. Look at Grey throwing shade like an umbrella!

Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.25 and his 5th save. Crazy how he went from “not even in the discussion for saves in March” to “by accounts the Giants closer” in April. Ryan Walker seems droppable in shallower leagues too. Doval will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because of course, but why not grab him now?

CJ Abrams – 0-for-4, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Why is Salisbury Steak called that and not Gravy Burger?”

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Was a tough-luck loser, but I have to say, watching him is exquisite. A joy to behold. He is dropping in some pitches that the hitters have no chance on.

Cade Povich – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.04. Ended up winning and looking decent, but Gore looked better. I’m just being real here. Povich was fine, would go on his show to announce my baby mama, but still don’t trust him.

Jacob deGrom – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.33. So, we get “deGrom is not human, ermahgerd!!!” and he lasts for only 60 IP, or we get “deGrom is human, shrugs” and we get him for 110 IP.

Jonah Heim – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Kinda meh, but also kinda four times better than Gunnar Henderson.

Josh Jung – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .258. Am I talking about Jung right now to avoid talking about how the A’s platooned out Kurtz for Miguel Andujar? Haha, what makes you say that? Platoon was a different war movie than the one Kurtz was in, God damn it!

Kumar Rocker – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. Another impingement is Jack Leiter is returning and Rocker hasn’t been good.

Leody Taveras – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .200, which is basically Ted Williams compared to Joc Pederson, who is now hitting .066, and hitting third! The actual freakin’ three hole with a .066 average.

Jack Suwinski – Optioned to the minors. You might Suwinski some, but you just Sulostski one.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. It’s like he remembered why I loved him in 2023. Maybe he was still dealing with ankle stuff last year. Like what we saw with Corbin Carroll and how shoulder stuff in 2023 affected his 2024. Am I saying both of these to try to jinx them for this year? Naturally!

Matt Gorski – 1-for-4 as he hit his 1st homer in his 1st MLB at-bat, and as he was called up. He powered that one too. A no doubter, which makes sense in Anaheim, because that’s where No Doubt’s from. Pirates optioned down Suwinski, but have to have at least one guy who sounds like a Yinzer, so enter Gorski. He looks like he should’ve been up a while ago — he’s 27 and he went 23/15 last year in Triple-A. He can’t make consistent contact though, so he might be a KBO All-Star in 2029. I honestly don’t mind the flyer in deeper leagues to see if you catch lightning in the bottleski until Horwitz returns.

Carmen Mlodzinski – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.95. [into walkie talkie] “Hello, hey, so it seems like we actually have two Yinzers on the Pirates. Is that gonna be a problem? Over.”

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 2.60. Ks are overrated, but one K in six innings is a bit of cold soup on a warm day. Sure, it’ll cool you, but there’s no gazpacho truck playing Three Blind Mice riding down your block.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .282. Further proof catcher-scab itching is bad and leaves scars, I can’t forget I dropped O’Hoppe for Goodman the 1st week of the season.

Zach Neto – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer. This reminded me of something, does Rengifo still play baseball or did he retire to raise chickrens and geeseifos?

Trent Grisham – Activated from the paternity list. Left one kid back with mom, so Grisham can return to being the daddy to opposing pitchers.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Woo, indeed. Or as Ric Flair would say, “Wooooooooooooooo!”

Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 1.95. Some days you’re sew good, some days you’re whatever Crochet did yesterday.

David Festa – Optioned to St. Paul. The Patron Saint of Nonalcoholic Beers.

Royce Lewis – Will begin a rehab assignment on Friday. That puts his next injury timetable at May 12th.

Willi Castro – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. It happened last week, but the Twins make moves like that guy in your league who treats his daily league team like a weekly league.

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.45, and this was vs. the White Sux. After that, Paddack isn’t even a Streamonator call for me.

Shane Smith – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.30. Saw his ERA, and I thought, “Welp, I guess I could roster a White Sux pitcher, even if I don’t want to. Let me just check his stats real quick.” Then I stuck my hand under my armpit and made farting noises. Feels like a lot this year there’s supposedly sexy young pitchers and they have very yawnstipating stats. Maybe it’s just Jobe and Smith.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .163. You think he’s hitting poorly? He’s basically Tony Gwynn compared to Luis Robert Jr., who is hitting .138. Real question: Has LouBob had a hit this year or did they just start him at .200 because they felt bad?

Lenyn Sosa – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. For his home run trot, Lenyn should pause before he crosses the plate and wait three hours, miming a line for bread.