Welcome back to our year-end awards show! All the stars are here. There’s The Rock! Wow, he sure knows how to keep it light. *points to a rock holding open a door to let in sun* Thanks, Rock, it’s so light in here for a mother’s basement! Now, if there’s any issues with the award ballots, don’t look at me. These were all tabulated at the accounting firm of Kipnis, Tellez and Zimmerman. Stop giving them the evil eye, German Marquez! You might be wondering why I’m hosting. Well, at the last minute our other host had to back out. Sadly, Joe Buck couldn’t be hair. I mean here. Now, before we get to our first award, I just want to thank everyone. This was truly a trying year for a lot of people, and I appreciate all of you, except Cody Bellinger. Okay, now onto the awards, without which you’d have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers this year, and you’d be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me. Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of 2021 fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
An End To The Best Baseball Season Of The Decade
October 4, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 166 Commentsby: Grey
You emerge from mother’s basement, holding your hands up to your eyes to block the sun, and scream, “Ma! I won my fantasy league! Ma!” You stop to look around; it’s a fiery landscape reminiscent to an apocalypse. You open further the basement door, and it falls off its hinges. Scared, you whisper, “Ma?” There’s no walls anymore on your house, which gives you a vantage point to the entire surrounding area that smolders. Coming up your once-tree-lined street is a posse of thousands of–An army from another country? Another world? Who are these people? What have they done with your family? Just as the questions dissolve over you, a warrior spots you and grunts for you to get in line. You reach for the only weapon you can get your hands on, a Lou Pinella commemorative mini-bat from a 1981 stadium giveaway, and join the post-apocalyptic army. As you scuttle into position behind the marching forces, you see a group of warriors carrying your mother’s head on a pitchfork. Overcome with emotion, you run up and scream, “Ma! I gotta tell you about the fantasy league I won!” In this scenario, I am your mother, and the army is Razzball. You’re welcome! Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worst, you get an A for effort.
Another baseball season is in the books, for our purposes at least — or porpoises, if you’re a dolphin — since no leagues I know of count game 163, and with a baseball season in the books, it means Cody Bellinger’s 2021 is now in the books, and, in conclusion, that is why they should burn books. Any questions? *calls on a white guy who looks zonked* Yes? “If I’m going to IHOP is it MeHOP, MyselfHOP or IHOP, or does it depend on usage?” God damn it, is that you Cody Bellinger?! Stop smoking so much weed! *Cody lowers his head, kicks a rock and walks out of the room* Okay, if there’s no more questions, I have one: how long until next year’s rankings come out?! Wait, I have to write them. When I’m done, I’ll start to put them on our Patreon. Now, one more question, what do I do for the next three months? Oh, yeah, write the rankings! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Don’t Pee Down Judge’s Leg And Tell Him It’s Ray-ning
October 1, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 135 Commentsby: Grey
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Robbie Ray (5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.84) didn’t have it last night, which you could see for yourself, because his pants are transparent. His ERA should be enough to win the AL ERA title, depending on whether or not he comes in as a reliever on Sunday in a do-or-die game. After last night, I’d turn to Nate Pearson. Ray looked like “pre-2021 Ray” right as we start to look towards 2022, which is not what you want to see. At least him and the Jays weren’t falling to the Orioles.
Red Sox going against the Orioles pic.twitter.com/aJppVeFPbm
— Razzball (@Razzball) October 1, 2021
Ray walked guys, characteristic of pre-2021, and allowed four homers, two of each went to Aaron Judge (2-for-3), who hit his 38th and 39th homer. Also, Brett Gardner (1-for-4) hit his 10th homer, not off his incredibly weird bald head, but that would’ve been cool. Anthony Rizzo (1-for-4) went HR to the Izzo for his 21st and Gleyber Torres (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer) even got into the act. Maybe Gleyber got excited that the Orioles were being talked about, and he did it as a tribute. Aaron Boone did tell him, “Play your best game in the world, or I’ll eat your souls…” Then, Gleyber and Rizzo looked at each other and said, “And we played the first thing that came to our heads, which just so happened to be our best game in the world.” Wait, this is the best game in the world? “No,” Gleyber said, “This is just a tribute,” and, finally, “To the Orioles.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Bo Knows This, Bo Knows That, But Bo Goes Jack Twice ‘Cause Bo Can’t Nap
September 30, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 124 Commentsby: Grey
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Not to come out with a hot take 18 hours after everyone, but Gerrit Cole has to win that game (6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.23). Has to shutout the Jays. Scherzer would’ve. DeGrom would’ve. Corbin Burnes would’ve. Yeah, I said Corbin Burnes! They would’ve shut down the Jays. I’m glad the Jays were not shut down, don’t get it twisted, as they say at anarchistic pretzel stands. I love me the Baby Jays. Wanna put food in their mouth and talk to their moms about how I used to watch their husbands play, and then become real chummy until I’m called Unkie Grey and am at their house for Thanksgiving! That’s how much I love the Jays, but if you’re Cole, you gotta win that. So, Bo Bichette (3-for-4) hit his 27th and 28th homer, as he led the Jays to victory as well as a lot of his fantasy teams. I don’t mean he plays fantasy, I mean the teams he was on won–Ya know what? You know what I mean! Bo Bichette is the epitome of everything you want in fantasy. He’s got 30-homer power, 30-steal speed, high contact, great lineup, plays every day and, if you say his name fast, it sounds like Boba Chette. For 2022 fantasy, there’s so much talent in the game, but I could see struggling with trying to squeeze Boba in the top five because he will not suck, no matter the straw size. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
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Roansy makes me laughsy. He sounds like the curmudgeon 60 Minutes guy has risen in Latin America and his name is Andy Roansy. “Why do I keep getting mail?” Andy Roansy yells in Spanish then pushes mail off his desk. Señor Eduardo Bradley chuckles and outros the show. So, Roansy Contreras is being called up to start today vs. the Cubs. He made Itch’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects. His numbers in Double and Triple-A this year: 2.64 ERA, 0.93 WHIP in 58.0 IP with 82 Ks. His stuff looks lightning-esque. Didn’t feel like embedding a video, so I just made a super whatever tweet, I’m such a basic b*tch:
Roansy Contreras shown here in spring training, getting call tomorrow pic.twitter.com/WaJ4wOQJK6
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 28, 2021
Prospect Itch said of Contreras, “Why is he being called up? Are the Pirates as stupid as you?” That’s him on text to me. Itch said previously, “RHP Roansy Contreras looking filthy in Pittsburgh. He topped out at 98.2 mph with just nine inches of drop on a four-seamer as he breezed through the ninth. He also threw a curveball with mucho inches of drop and an elite spin rate of 2924. Wonder if I could spin Grey’s head that much.” Not cool, man! I’d grab Contreras in any league where you’re desperate. He’ll only get one start, but so will everyone else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? India Delivers A Bangalore & Steals A Hyderabag
September 28, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 91 Commentsby: Grey
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You know the Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye song? Nananana Hey hey hey goodbye! You know it, right? Well, I sing the Na Na Hey Hey part in Indian restaurants when ordering naan. Am the only one? Really? Wow, that’s weird, because they love when I do it. You should too. But you do sing the Hey Hey goodbye part when on the toilet, right? Still only me? Hmm. Surprised to hear it. Or rather, surprised to not hear it. Not saying at home when no one can hear, I mean when in public restrooms. Only me? Wow, you guys are missing out. Yesterday, Jonathan India had the runs like a garlic naan and sent one na na hey hey goodbye. With his first career four-hit game, Jonathan India went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (21) and legs (12). For 2022, India’s Sweets and Spices is on my short list of guys who I want to draft in all leagues. He has literally everything: power, great park, speed, low strikeouts, great walks and a lock on playing time. When I see him in 2022 fantasy baseball drafts, you can kiss him Mumbai! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
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(The Cards win, the Cards win)1 x 8 = 16. 16 is also the number of runs the Braves will score to eliminate the Cards in the playoffs. I kid. Kinda. No need to keep looking for Mr. Nootbaar. The Caards haas-beens haas been aamaazing, even Harrison Bader (1-for-4 and his 15th homer), perhaps the worst hitter in the major leagues. Haarsh? P to the erhaaps. But look at Harrison Bader’s Statcast. If you don’t at least let out a small chuckle, you’re not 100% what you’re looking at, which is fine. I will explain after the picture:
More like HAHArrison Bader. Woof, dog, take that screenshot to the kennel; it’s time to put her to sleep. His xBA is .229. His exit velocity is bottom twenty, when adding in more guys than even qualify. He has the hard hit percentages of guys who are crossed-eyed and should be out of the league. For 2022 fantasy, Harrison Bader is a decent real world player for defense, but he’s a very bad, er, hitter. Of course! Who cares for the final week? He has three games straight with a homer, and he’s one of the top schmotatoes in the game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Rodgers & Hampsonstein’s Buy! The Musical
September 24, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 123 Commentsby: Grey
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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)
“Listen, I want you to go out there and treat each game like it might be your last,” Bud Black paused, as he addressed Garrett Hampson. Then, thoughtfully, he continued, “Because even if we don’t bring back Trevor Story for 2022, there’s a chance this offseason we sign the 33-year-old Elvis Andrus and I will play him over you.” Bud’s eye welled up, a slow tear trickled down as he continued, “I’d love nothing more than for us to sign Alcides Escobar too, and have a middle infield of two guys who are five years past their prime.” Bud wiped that tear, and finished, “That’s how I’d like to rebuild this team with C.J. Cron, Charlie Blackmon and two middle infielders who are awful, showing you, Ryan Vilade, Hilliard and Brendan Rodgers how to play.” Remembering one more thing, Bud added, “I wonder if we can lure Brian Dozier out of retirement. He’d look great playing in front of you.” So, until 2022, when Bud Black manages, literally, to bury Hampson again, he’s been playing and hitting. Clearly, the percentages for rostering are getting “Rodgered” in the whole keister since fantasy football started, because Hampson and Brendan Rodgers are supposedly rostered in less leagues than Alec Bohm and Keston Hiura. Speaking of Rockies’ middle infielders, all three (Story, Hampson and Rodgers) have been around equally valuable on our 30-day Player Rater. So, if Rodgers or Hampson are out there, they’re worth a grab, until Andrus, Alcides and Brian Dozier are brought in. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? The Whole League Is Getting Soto Bombed
September 24, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 84 Commentsby: Grey
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Holding hands together with a Juan Soto plushie, tiptoeing around my office in a tutu. I LOVE JUAN SOTO SO MUCH! There, I said it.
Just love Juan Soto so much https://t.co/49eHreP0Q9
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 24, 2021
I cannot stop my pure heart from being driven in by Juan Soto when I’m waiting on base aka sitting on the toilet. It’s love! Damn you all for not understanding! So, Juan Soto is having a 2nd half that is insane, did you know this? I did. Hence, telling you. He’s now leading the major leagues in batting average, and OBP. For someone to swoop in and find my heart while not hitting a ton of homers? Well, Sexy Dr. Pepper’s doing it, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to try it. It’s not easy! Yesterday, Soto went 3-for-3, with his 28th and 29th homer, while hitting .325. Oh, bee tee dubs, .325 this year is like hitting .415. Sorry, Ted Williams, he’s passed you. ACKCHUALLY, he has 50 games where he’s reached base 4+ times before turning 23, and only one in history with more is Ted Williams at 54. He’s also got the most career games with 2+ HRs and a walk before turning 23. He’s 22 years old! And he has the 2nd most multiple homer games before turning 22, behind only Eddie Matthews. 2022 give me Juan Soto in the top five again, right? Yes, I love him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Ryan Puts Cubs In An 11K Headlock
September 23, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 101 Commentsby: Grey
Slowly, paper extrudes from a fax machine. A hand brings it to a face and we read, “Need Joe R…an down at the Pentagon. Damn, we need toner! Joe R…an? Who the hell is that?! Oh, I know…” A chair swivels around to the CIA Director, he screams, “Send Joe Ryan (5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.45) to the Pentagon! I can only assume they need a guy with a 10.2 K/9, 1.2 BB/9 — yowzas! — A 2.48 FIP, which is incredible. I can see why they want him. Sure, it’s only through 22 IP, but he had pinpoint command in the minors too — 1.6 BB/9 in Triple-A with the Rays before the trade to the Twins. Maybe he’s got the Rays’ secret sauce recipe for pitchers? Hey, Joe, you have the Rays’ secret sauce recipe for pitchers?” The CIA Director laughs before Joe can say anything, and continues, “Joe Ryan for 2022 fantasy, I expect you to have less ups and downs than most guys without a long track record. These command guys, I like a lot, me, uh, the CIA Director, and I don’t see the AL Central Intelligence Agency — that’s what it’s short for — getting much better, but I guess we don’t know yet. I mean, I know, because I’m the CIA Director and pulling strings like where free agents go is my job. Anyway, Joe Ryan get down to the Pentagon, they need you to figure out…” Reading the rest of the fax, “…how to launch a podcast!” And that’s how the CIA Director sent Joe Ryan to the Pentagon when the fax was asking for Joe Rogan. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Machado Drops Bombs On The Field vs. Dugout
September 22, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 108 Commentsby: Grey
Not sure how many of you saw the other day, but Manny Machado and Fernando Tatis Jr. had it out in the dugout. Well, mostly Machado screaming at Tatis for him to be better. Tatis was arguing strike calls, and Machado was supposedly screaming at him to stop, otherwise Tatis might get booted from the game. Here’s a pic yesterday, after they supposedly made-up, but you don’t need a Rosetta Stone for Body Language to know this looks like a couple about to divvy up their belongings:
A true elder statesman Machado has become. He should run for “Parent” in the Parent-Teacher Association. Or “Teacher.” Whatever he wants to do, he can do now that he’s mastered “being a team player.” Machado, who has one of the worst home-to-first times, but not nearly a terrible 90-foot sprint speed. So what, you say. Well, that says to me, he can’t be bothered running to first, but when he wants to run hard, he has no problem doing it. Machado’s twelve steals tell me the same. He has the same home-to-first speed as Matt Carpenter, a guy who has only stolen 12 bags combined in the last four years. Yesterday, Manny Machado (3-for-5) led with his bat vs. mouth, homering twice (25, 26). For 2022, Machado seems capable of hitting 40 homers, .280 and stealing 15 bags or 15 homers, 3 steals and a .240 average while yelling at everyone to be better while he does worse. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Chisholm Hits A HR For Each Of His Jazz Hands
September 21, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 109 Commentsby: Grey
In the late-90s, I worked as an au pair in The Bahamas, one of my favorite gigs post-college. I remember watching an eighteen-month-old Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington Chisholm Jr. I would put on John Coltrane, on his baby finger, because I didn’t have a record player, and I would spin the record real fast so it made sound, and little Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington would giggle. One time, while I was balancing the record on his finger, I went by the window to smoke a jay, closing the window so not to lose any of that puff. When I was finished, I returned to Baby Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington’s finger again to spin the record, and, when I did, he was wearing dark sunglasses, and a beret and I said to his parents, “You should call him Monica Lewinsky,” and they nodded, saying, “They would take it under advisement.” Always felt like they were patronizing me. I wonder what they ended up nicknaming him–Wait a minute! Could that baby have been Jazz Chisholm Jr.? Nah, that would be way too coincidental. Yesterday, Jazz did exactly what makes him so special, going 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with a double slam (16. 17) and legs (22). Jazz is one of my most highly anticipated guys for 2022. His strikeouts (29%) are a little high, but an inflated BABIP (.330-ish) evens out his average at .250 and that feels like it will easily repeat or get better, and I’m counting on better. In 2022, he is a handful of guys who could go 25/25. And that’s a small handful. Like a baby hand that can play a Jazz record. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?