The Closer Look was only six days ago and we’ve already lost a $12 Salad (Mo), a Donkeycorn (Huston Street) and three Brain Freezes (Santiago/Thornton, Bell, Downs). If you think the Closepocalypse is something created by the media (me) to sell newspapers (no one buys newspapers), then continue to disbelieve. I’m just back from Costco with a keg of chicken broth, 400 count box of Mallomars and a 17 pound box of Wheat Thins to stock my Closepocalypse shelter. When the major leagues have run out of all pitchers to close and have exhausted all other athletes in all other sports trying to convert them to closers and they come knocking on my door, I’m going into my Closepocalypse shelter and you won’t see me again. Street is always a good nose blow away from getting hurt, so it’s no huge shocker. The Padres don’t think he’ll be back when his DL stint is up, and I’ll go as far to say he won’t be back for about a month and he’s a setback away from missing three months. For further reading on that see: His career. I grabbed Andrew Cashner in one league. I would’ve grabbed Luke Gregerson too if I had room, but, alas, I did not. Who could fit anything with this keg of broth?! And, because as soon as anyone becomes a closer, they get hot in the way a Dutch oven is hot, so Cashner followed every other closer this year and gave up a bunch of runs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery. He said his symptoms point to it. Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews. Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist. “I think I have a cavity.” “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”
Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell. Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.” Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long. He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with. He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day. There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen. Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job. What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List. It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence. Not like he’s new to the 9th inning. Something’s off with him physically.
Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist. FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months. I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies). Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.
Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring. Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine. Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.
Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!
Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.
Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.
Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month. Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy. Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”
Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer. I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things. Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals. He’s real and he’s beautiful.
Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health. Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.
Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday. If someone dropped him, grab him.
J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers. Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who? Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”
Chris Davis – 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game. Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami. (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.” We won’t judge you here.)
Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions. Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings. The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates. I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t. This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3’s.
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday. He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average. He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.
David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June. I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league. He should’ve been already. Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!
Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!
Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.” Downs hurt his knee yesterday. Why? Because closers can’t have anything nice this year. It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days. LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job. Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t. “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?” That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House. Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game. Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings. Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day. I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump. Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.
Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs. He has 20 homer power and some speed. I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.
Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday. You, “Do you smell something burning?” Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato. It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”
Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers. Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball. He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out. Run. Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.
Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Against the A’s? The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th. Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick. Against the A’s? On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.
Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee. Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer. Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size. And for the most part, I do that. Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing. If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.
Dayan Viciedo – Was hit on the elbow. The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain. The good news, he made contact with the baseball.
Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop. This is very surprising. Gardenhire has a radio show? Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup? Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion? Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey? As for Dozier, not that surprising. Twins need offense something fierce. Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good). I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.
Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL. If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.
Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday. I have a confession. In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.” I drafted Soto and dropped him. Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too. I’m a bad ‘pert, son.
Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER. As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing! In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80’s calculator watch he sounds like.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal. Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”
Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday. And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters. He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.
Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy. Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.” Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year. If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench. “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark. There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield? Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”
