Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it. Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers. Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain! I wonder if these micronauts made me draft eight Twins and White Sox players. I need to delve deeper into this subject. Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Jason Castro $3
C: Chance Sisco $3
1B: Mitch Moreland $8
2B: Brian Dozier $29
3B: Miguel Sano $22
SS: Tim Anderson $20
MI: Yolmer Sanchez $6
CI: Jose Abreu $31
OF: Trey Mancini $20
OF: Randal Grichuk $15
OF: Khris Davis $23
OF: Eduardo Nunez $12
OF: Kevin Pillar $9
DH: Shohei Ohtani $19
P: Jake Faria $7
P: David Robertson $5
P: J.A. Happ $9
P: Mike Minor $5
P: Marco Estrada $4
P: Juan Minaya $2
P: Mike Leake $3
P: Erasmo Ramirez $3
P: Daniel Norris $2
Bench: Boog Powell, Jason Hammel, Jose Iglesias, Adalberto Mejia, Marco Gonzales, Paulo Orlando, Joey Kelly
JOSE ABREU IS A’IGHT; YOU LIKE TIM ANDERSON, SO OKAY; MIGUEL SANO IS KINDA SEXY, THEN THE WHEELS GO OFF THE TRACK LIKE YOU’RE REMAKING THE FUGITIVE, AND I’M STARTING TO THINK YOUR REAL IDENTITY IS KENNY WILLIAMS. YO, YOU KENNY WILLIAMS? RICK HAHN INHABIT YO’ SOUL? WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH THAT AL GORE CRIES OVER EVERY NIGHT POSSESSED YOU TO DRAFT SO MANY WHITE SOX PLAYERS? AND WITH THE TWINS!? MY GOD, MAN!
‘Tis is true. I went a little AL Central crazy. Wasn’t my intention, maybe that’s the problem. The great thing about deep drafts like this with a fifteen-second auction clock is you have no time to second-guess your auction values. Or that’s the terrible thing, if your auction values aren’t good. As usual, I used our AL-Only auction values for this draft. I type in a name at the top box where the names are and it filters to that player. I see his value, and I bid or pass. It really is that simply. The auction values are updated nearly every day, so playing time is as up-to-date as you’re going to find. All for the low, low, low price of free! No wonder why we’re broke as a joke. What the hell can I buy for free? A hug? How about we wrap ourselves in swaddling and start charging?! Since I follow the auction values almost religiously, I draft players I had no interest in previously for mixed leagues where I use my fantasy baseball rankings. Ergo, vis-a-vis, henceforth, the entire White Sox and Twins teams. Yolmer Sanchez was listed for $6, so Yolmer Sanchez is on my team. *rereads ‘Yolmer Sanchez is on my team’ and shudders*
TOO BAD EDUARDO NUNEZ DIDN’T SIGN WITH THE TWINS OR WHITE SOX, HUH!?
Okay, Al Caps, I get it.
AND ADALBERTO MEJIA BECAUSE YOU JUST COULDN’T SAY NO!
Moving on.
KINDA LIKE YOU MOVED ON FROM DRAFTING A PITCHING STAFF. AT LEAST I THINK YOU HAVE SHOHEI OHTANI, OR DID YOU GET HIM FOR HIS 85 ABS? YOU’RE TERRIBLE.
Was not expecting to own Shohei Ohtani anywhere. Was not a target — with target pronounced like a soccer mom with an accent over the E. Ohtani was listed as $22 in my values, so I ended up with him. The way I listed my team is slightly misleading. He’s likely my number one starter. In CBS leagues, you draft one Ohtani — Onetani — and you can move him from hitting to pitching, as you see fit. He actually made for an interesting end game, because I had $2 to draft any hitter or any pitcher, but I had to move Ohtani back and forth to bid, which could’ve been handled a bit better by CBS. In other words, I had Ohtani in my DH slot and a hitter was nominated, so I had to move Ohtani to my last pitcher slot before bidding, and, by the time I did that, a bid might’ve moved past $2, so I couldn’t bid anymore. Then a pitcher was nominated, and I’d move Ohtani from pitcher to hitter before being able to bid. Riveting recap, huh? Any hoo! This is likely the last place I’m drafting Ohtani, but I got him. So, you can consider Ohtani a pitcher on my team, then Daniel Norris is my first bench starter, and Boog Powell or Jose Iglesias are my UTIL. Yeah, it doesn’t make it sound much better.
SO, YOU HAVE OHTANI AS YOUR NUMBER ONE STARTER, AND YOU THINK THIS IS A POSITIVE?
This is funny (not funny). The way I ended up drafting led me to drafting all my hitters first, then I drafted my starters. Chalk that up for unconventional. I was down to $40 before drafting a starter (aside from Ohtani). Here’s how that went visually: swallows hard, sweat begins to bead on forehead, faints into a beanbag dressed to look like Giancarlo, screams, “Hold me, Beanbag Giancarlo!” Ya know what I realized about halfway through the draft? AL starters are awful. At one point I said facetiously in the draft chat, “Can I draft NL starters?” I mean, does any AL team outside of the Astros have more than one starter you want? The 29th best AL starter according to our AL-Only rankings is Cole Hamels! I wouldn’t draft Cole Hamels with your team! In an AL-Only league, Adalberto Mejia is the 47th best starter! AL starters are pathetic, yo. No way around it, so I figured everyone would have a 4.75 ERA and I just drafted hitters.
AND YOUR BULLPEN IS BULL@&#%
I was delighted to get Juan Minaya for only $2. Is he a good bet for 20+ saves? Oh, hell no! But delighted, I tell ya, delighted!
SO, THE PITCHING IS A POOP EMOJI, BUT YOUR HITTING’S AVERAGE IS A POOP TURTLEHEAD EMOJI.
Yeah, the batting average is a little lacking, but my offense should be a top three hitting crew in an AL-Only league. Remember everyone has holes on their teams. For unstints, one team has in their starting lineup Mallex Smith, Valbuena, Tyler Wade and Jarrod Dyson. Another team has Devon Travis (no job), Duda (no team), and Eloy Jimenez (no way). One team even drafted Eric Hosmer for $8. Guys in the NL don’t work for this AL-Only league, in case that’s not clear. My steals are actually the biggest problem on my team, according to my values. When Jose Iglesias is your third best base stealer, steals will be an issue. Maybe Shohei Ohtani can contribute 20 wins, 220 Ks and 20 steals. Yeah, and maybe when you eat white asparagus your pee smells like marshmallows.
