Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2015 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them though. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2015 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2015 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2015 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Go join one now. Or join two. Or three.) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2015 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Mike Trout – Well, ain’t you the lucky one getting Trout? Looks like you stepped into a big pile of dinosaur dung like Jeff Goldblum. By the by, one of Cougs’ friends was getting hounded by Goldblum to hook up with her (prior to Jeffrey getting married). She rejected him, said he was way creepy. I then saw him at a Grand Budapest Hotel party thing and asked him about the friend, and he said, “I don’t recall.” His “I don’t recall” was the most interesting delivery of “I don’t recall” I’ve ever heard. If you get to draft Trout, you have like a 99.9% chance of winning your league, so you can draft anyone next. I’d try Buddy Biancalana. Just because you can. You lucky, Ess Oh Bee! If Biancalana is already taken, then I’d go with a corner man, 1st or 3rd baseman. You know who would make me smile? Arenado. Smithers, that’s gorgeous! When I say Arenado, you say dope. Arenado…dope! Arenado…dope! Arenada…dope! I said Arenada in that last one, you messed up. After drafting Trout, I could see Rizzo being there in some leagues where your leaguemates just showed up the day of the draft with no prep. More likely, Pujols. I wouldn’t draft another outfielder immediately after taking Trout. You could take a 2nd baseman like Altuve, but then with your third pick you’ll have to take a 1st baseman, and when you have to do something, it’s not nearly as fun. Trout and Tulo would work. Don’t like the idea of Tulo being injury prone and ain’t got time for bird sex? Then go with a corner man. That’s what I would do. Hello, Arenado, I love you.
2. Giancarlo Stanton – From Trout to my novio, this post is getting me hot and bothered like a hot, buttered biscuit that I left out on the window ledge of a strip club. Why don’t strip clubs have windows? It’s not like guys are going to be standing on each other’s shoulders to peer inside, unless they’re filming a teen comedy in the 80s. Stanton can be paired with anyone like Trout, but I’d again avoid another outfielder. You know who would buoy my love boat? Arenado. Arenado and Stanton together on the same team could possibly be illegal in some states (need to check with my councilman). Stanton would also work with Altuve, if you wanted to go in that direction. I don’t love Stanton with Cano, because you might be getting out of the 2nd round with no more than ten steals total. Then again, I don’t love Cano with anyone. Stanton and Pujols sounds like a dream come true, but maybe that’s because I’ve had many dreams that I can only classify as “Stanton’s Pujols.” Stanton and Tulo? Hankers away, Captain Phillips! Stanton and Hanley also sounds like you’re ready to make a splash with my bosom buddy. Due to Stanton’s big time power, he makes me not as leery about a middle infielder with the 2nd pick. Of course, I’d prefer a corner man. Rizzo, if he’s still around? djnsaaqq– Sorry, my drool hit the keyboard.
3. Jose Abreu – Hey, a first baseman, yay! Now you can draft one of those 2nd round outfielders to go with Abreu. Think Abreu and Upton makes sense? Me too too! Too too? Hey, Random Italicized Voice, don’t mess with my too too. Abreu and a third baseman like Arenado, Donaldson or Beltre? I’m not hatin’, I’m liberatin’! But, and yes, I’m actually about to say something not insanely positive about Arenado, I’d prefer an outfielder with Abreu. Do I see Abreu going with Puig? Yes, and that’s not a girth crack. Do I see Jose Abreu going with Corey Dickerson? That gives me goose pimples. The good kind of goose pimples, not the bad kind like when your father says he appreciates Bruce Jenner’s bravery. I’d prefer an outfielder with Abreu, so this way if you get to the third round you’re not hard pressed to get an outfielder. I.e., Hunter Pence is technically a 1st outfielder, I’d just prefer an outfielder before him. Sorry, Gangly Manbird, I hope that doesn’t ruffle your manfeathers. I’d also focus on getting an outfielder that gets you some steals since Abreu brings *raspberries lips* with speed. If you drafted Abreu 10th and Carlos Gomez 14th, well, that’s effin’ gorge. Can that happen? I don’t know, Maybelline.
4. Andrew McCutchen – So, basically, the whole first round is outfielders. I keed, I keed. McCutchen isn’t like Giancarlo and Trout, he’s more of a Jack of all trades. Since he’s a Pirate, I guess that makes him Jack Sparrow. Ugh, that flowed off my fingers as if written by some other douchey ‘pert who is trying hard at imitating but never duplicating, Capt. Grey Albano. What I mean by McCutchen being incongruous (Word of the Day!) with Trout and Gian-novio is he doesn’t offer 30+ HR power, but is more of a five-cat cat. Due to this, I don’t want a five category threat next, because if say McCutchen hits 18 homers and Ian Desmond hits 18 homers, than your first two picks might get less homers than one other hitter. That’s, uh, how do they say in broken Italian? Notta so good. I’d prefer to team McCutchen up with home run hitter at a corner spot. That loses Hanley, Desmond, any outfielder, Altuve and Beltre. Beltre? Yeah, I only have him projected for 22 homers; it’s not enough. Would McCutchen go with Arenado? Let’s just say everyone reading this is going to have Arenado as their 2nd round pick. I’d also look at Pujols, Bautista, Donaldson and Rizzo. Rizzo and McCutchen? Well, you just won your league and the season doesn’t start for two months. Well done! Buy yourself a DQ Blizzard, distract the teenager right as they bring it to the counter so they forget to turn it over and you get it for free.
5. Paul Goldschmidt – Falls into the same category as Abreu, except I’m less concerned about getting an outfielder with some speed. If you can get Jose Bautista with Au Shizz, then Michelle Pfeiffer, that white Goldschmidt! In honor of Black History Month, I’d like to paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and say I had a dream where I drafted Goldschmidt and Justin Upton and even Lyndon Johnson supported it. (Show of hands for who thought the L in LBJ stood for Love. Just me? Okay, y’all a bunch of history majors, I suppose.) Could you draft Arenado or Rendon in some leagues? Damn Skippy! And I’m not talking about when I get peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth. Of course, then you’d fall into the same problem as Abreu and you’d be heading into the 3rd without an outfielder. Puig and Goldy would work and will likely be available. You’re prolly going to be faced with the possibility of Goldschmidt and Corey Dickerson, and to that I say, “Be bold, be brave, be amazing,” as that Tim Gunn-wannabe used to say on the Project Runway with artists. Goldy + an outfielder = Totes McGotes. I think the math is even correct there.
6. Adam Jones – What I’m realizing as I write this post is you want an outfielder in the 1st round and a not-an-outfielder in the 2nd round. Would I kick out of bed a draft of J. Abreu and J. Upton? No, I wouldn’t, but the drafting of an outfielder in the 1st round helps your 2nd round selections. I won’t draft Jones and a 2nd round pick of Harper, Upton or Puig, but look at the not-an-outfielder guys you can pair with Jones: Rendon, Arenado, Bautista, Desmond, Rizzo, Donaldson or Hanley. Doesn’t that move your sweat pants without the use of your hands? Since I love having a 1st or 3rd baseman coming out of the 2nd round, I’d definitely lean towards Rizzo, Arenado or Donaldson with Jones.
7. Edwin Encarnacion – He’s closer to Abreu in profile than Au Shizz because Edwin doesn’t give a whole lot in the speed department, but like Edwin, Au Shizz and Abreu, I’d also avoid a not-an-outfielder. Edwin and Rendon is purdy terrific, but then you have no outfielder in the 3rd round and you’re looking at The Gangly Manbird. I will say this (amongst these other things I’m saying), if you think you can get Upton, Harper or any other outfielder I have in the top 25, then I’m more inclined to draft two non-outfielders in the first two rounds. It is risky going that route. There’s no do overs if you get sniped on all the outfielders by the time you get to your third pick. So, Edwin and an outfielder is how I’d lean. Say Edwin and Upton and I say hot damn! Say Edwin and Bryce and I say hot dizzam! Say Edwin and Puig and I say hot ham!
8. Miguel Cabrera – This is likely lip service because from the prelim rankings I’ve seen, you’re not getting Miggy this late. That’s all right. I’d take him here, but I wouldn’t take him over any of the guys I have above him, due to age and injury concerns. He’s similar to Abreu and Edwin, in that Miggy gives no speed. According to my rankings, a perfect pairing with him would be CarGomez, but that seems unlikely from early ADPs and other acronyms only the cool kids know. Upton, Harper and Puig seem more likely. Bautista, according to my rankings, would be there, but he’s another straight power and no speed guy, so I’d likely skip him in the 2nd round if I drafted Miggy.
9. Anthony Rizzo – Now I ain’t saying he a Goldschmidtta, but Rizzo walk around looking like Paul for my money. If you get Rizzo, the chances are that it’s going to be a little early for Arenado — I know, blasphemy! — but you can get Rendon and I’m on board. Of course, Rizzo should be paired with an outfielder so you’re not looking at getting your first outfielder in the 3rd round. Wanna grab Carlos Gomez? Well, if he’s still there, then by all means honkeys and two non-honkeys (I’m guessing; Google Analytics doesn’t tell me the exact number of honkeys that are reading). Wanna draft Bautista with Rizzo? I say more power to you, literally. Wanna take Bryce Harper? I like the size of your cojones that your woman took from you when you started dated. How about Upton? Okay, so every outfielder goes with Rizzo. I have a feeling I’m going to draft Rizzo, Rendon and/or Arenado with one of my first two picks in every league and then smoke stogies in the Caribbean for the next six months because my teams are going to coast to wins in every league. Jeeves, another colada!
10. Anthony Rendon – If you take Rendon with your first pick, you can go numerous ways since he’s a five-cat cat, but similar to McCutchen, you better aim for a guy that can give you some serious power, since Rendon might not break 25 bombs. If you take Altuve with Rendon, you’ve just punted your 2015 draft, tough break. If you take Bautista, me likey likey. Wanna draft Bryce? Okay, it’s not bad, but how about Upton? He’s got more power. I wouldn’t mess with a 2nd or 3rd baseman if I drafted Rendon because it hurts your flexibility. Say you draft Arenado with Rendon and then Beltre falls to the fifth round, now you have way too many 3rd basemen. Same goes for a 2nd baseman. Just focus on outfielders or 1st basemen. If you take Rendon and Rizzo, I like it. Come here, let’s make out. That’s figuratively!
11. Carlos Gomez – You hear about the snail who put an S on the side of his car and drove to Mexico so he could hear people say, “Look at that S-CarGomez?” True story. He went to Mexico because there you say “go” as “Gomez.” My Spanish es muy bueno! From what I’ve seen, Gomez isn’t going to be available in most leagues this late. If he is, then you pair him with a 1st or 3rd baseman. I’m kidding. You pair him with Rizzo! If you can get Rizzo at the beginning of the 2nd round in any draft, you take him, go to bank in October and make a deposit with your fantasy winnings. Gomez gives mostly speed, so I would shy away from drafting Hanley, Desmond or Rendon, plus you want a corner man in your first two picks. Bautista, in Yahoo leagues with his 1st base eligibility, works, but otherwise there’s also Rizzo. Hopefully. Hey, have I mentioned you should draft Rizzo?
12. Jose Bautista – As previously said on the aforementioned tip, Bautista doesn’t have 1st base eligibility in ESPN, but does in Yahoo. So, if you’re in an ESPN league, then you need to pair Bautista with a not-an-outfielder. Since he does give big power, I’d look at Rendon, Hanley, Desmond, Arenado or Donaldson, not in that order. (I’d go with the order of my rankings.) That, of course, will mean you don’t have a first baseman with your first two picks, so you’ll likely need Pujols or Davis in the 3rd round, and I’d be fine with that if I took Bautista 1st. Think about how happy you would’ve been the last few years to get Bautista and Pujols on the same team. Think about how that’s a possibility now. Think about how you’re not as excited now. Think about how you used to get excited about getting out of bed. Think about how you now cry during your morning shower. Times change; hopefully they don’t change too much.