Every year we get together in a Schenectady Sheraton to give away fantasy baseball awards for the past season. I’m your host, Grey Albright and I’m joined by Random Italicized Voice — What’s up, guys and four girls?” On the red carpet for everyone’s arrival is the Comatose Rangers Fan, “Let’s get started, I need to get home to see my Rangers face the Tigers!” Joining us up on the balcony is Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department, “I’m high above the crowd, in more ways than one!” Today’s very special musical guest opening the show is…Counting Crows! Coming straight from opening for Pink! Not playing on stage prior to her performing, but literally opening a door for her. They now work as doormen. At hotels. It’s very sad. Anyway, here’s the 2014 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Before we announce our first winner, I just want to introduce the accountants from Lobstein, Kipnis and Uribe. Without them, I’d be counting the votes all on my own and I have a hard enough time counting Mississippis before rushing the QB. For AL MVP, I looked at a few players. First guy I looked at was Mike Trout and the 2nd guy I looked at was Mike Trout. 3rd guy was also Mike Trout. 4th guy was Mike Trout. Fifth guy I looked at was Jose Altuve because he was standing on Mike Trout’s shoulders, waving, pointing to Mike Trout. Sixth guy I looked at was Mike Trout. 7th guy was actually a girl dressed as a mermaid who I asked if she was related to Mike Trout. 8th guy was Mike Trout. Then the 9th guy was Nick Swisher because he was sitting next to me at The Art of Shaving, having his sideburns done and he said Mike Trout. So, the consensus AL MVP? Mike Trout. But I really wanted to give it to Michael Brantley.
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – I gathered up the votes for this, then threw out every Clayton Kershaw vote due to a technicality. That technicality is called the “Pitching is So Deep” technicality, so the winner was Giancarlo Stanton. I’m hoping this award helps his face heal just a little bit better. Also, I hope the cocoa butter I’m secretly applying at night when he’s asleep, as I tiptoe out of his closet, helps. Well, it has the consistency of cocoa butter, and I don’t know what else to call it to keep this PG. Baby batter? On the fo’realies, if you exclude pitchers from our Player Rater, the next highest National League bat? Anthony Rendon. If you’re not going to lower the mound, at least put the DH in the NL. It’s sad.
Fantasy AL Cy Young – This was between Felix Hernandez and Corey Kluber. It ended up coming down to the fundamental difference between baseball and football: F-Her over Kluber.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Clayton Kershaw won this going away. No idea where he was going. Poland to visit A.J. Pollock? Maybe they’re buds, I don’t know. Even Sandy Koufax said and I quote, “Ma nish ta na, Kershaw is different than every other pitcher like bagels are different in New York than LA.” Koufax and his Jewisms! Congrats to you Kershaw, you stole away the award from Cueto. Ain’t that a kick in the head? Right, Jason LaRue?
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – There’s a case to be made that Chris Davis actually did more harm than Prince Fielder because the latter had the decency to get hurt and the former just sat in your fantasy lineup all year pooping on the porch. But I owned Prince Fielder on multiple teams and not Chris Davis, and I’m choosing these frickin’ awards. Fielder did do a solid for me by getting hurt, but that’s not a metaphorical solid like he moved my car for street cleaning.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – Wow, so many, um, Gyorkos to choose from here. But that specific Gyorko lucked out because just about every 1st rounder from the NL got hurt this year. Though, when one thinks of hurt and hot garbage in your Hyundai’s glove compartment that is parked in the Sahara Desert, one has to go with Carlos Gonzalez. Well played, you sucked the most, you sucky sucker.
Fantasy POS – The POS award goes to the guy that gave me the biggest ulcer this year like a rancid gyro with spoiled tahini. Congratulations, Jay Bruce! I love the way you stepped up your game for your 27-year-old season. While you were at it, you could’ve accidentally ran over my dog too. Or at least cut in front of me in line at Starbucks and ordered 57 drinks for your whole clubhouse and caused me to stand there for two hours while they filled your order. Little did I know your April when you hit 3 homers and a .227 average would look good compared to four of your other five months. Thanks for ruining it for me when I hear a Jersey Cougar scream out Bruce!
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “I don’t know about you, but I love Josh Reddick this week….Actually, I hate Josh Reddick…Hmm, I don’t care either way on Josh Reddick…Yes Reddick!…No Reddick!…All right, I’m done with Reddick and I’m not saying that because I finally got some medication.”
Player You Had Forever and Most Should’ve Dropped – “Jason Kipnis just went 1-for-4, so I think I’m gonna hold him for another week.” “Okay, Kipnis just had an 0-for-3 with a steal, so he could be coming around.” “Should I grab Dannys Antana and drop Kipnis? Meh, you know what, Kipnis just made a hard out, I’m gonna hold him.”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Denard Span. “In my last spot, I’m rotating Adam Eaton, Angel Pagan, and Granderson. I really have no room for Denard. Eh, maybe I’ll just pick up and drop Reddick one more time like a bad STD.”
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Garrett Richards had a 2.53 ERA in April, but you didn’t trust him. He had a 1.05 ERA in June and you bounced him back and forth off waivers due to the Stream-o-Nator. In July, he had a 2.70 ERA and after a marginal start, you decided you didn’t need him anymore. In August, he had a 1.85 ERA and you finally committed to owning him. Then he got hurt. It’s your fault.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – This was a two-way tie with Steve Pearce and J.D. Martinez. J.D. Martinez was such a plum find off of waivers, by the end of the year, he was battling with Miggy for a home run and average title. He ended up losing homers, but he won on batting average. Everything Steve Pearce gave you after one hot week was icing, and he ended giving 3 months of hot weeks, leading you to get so much icing you ended up diabetic. Only the best diabetes a fantasy baseballer could hope for!
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “Pedro Alvarez might have a low average, but he hit 10 homers in the first two months. As long as he keeps hitting homers, we’ll be fine.” “Crap, I need a drink.”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Sure, Brian Dozier‘s 2nd half didn’t come close to his first half, but he gave you so much gravy in the 1st half, your fantasy arteries were clogged enough for the lean months.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “Grey told me not to draft Kershaw, and now it’s April and he’s out with a shoulder injury. I wonder if I sent him and Dozier for Longoria, if the other guy would do it.”
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “The one thing that I know in this world to be correct is Nelson Cruz can’t keep this up!”
Top SAGNOF – Francisco Rodriguez/Dee Gordon. Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. No one had more value derived from steals all year than Gordon. He also was drafted about 200 spots after Billy Hamilton and Jose Altuve. As for K-Rod, he wasn’t the closer when you drafted, Jim Henderson was. Member him, The Muppet Master? Neither do I. Here’s from the Milwaukee Sentinel on March 31st, “Roenicke didn’t reveal until after the Miller Park crowd of 45,691 went home happy Monday that the decision had been made to switch from Jim Henderson to Francisco Rodriguez as closer for the time being.” And just like that, SAGNOF!
Top Hitter In Spring Training That Roped You In Yet Again – Mostsuckass. Bombs in March most times mean the player “will bomb in April.”
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Nickname – The Other White Meat. Past winners include Krispie Young, Sparkakis, Mini Donkey and Mini Mini Donkey.
Slam & Legs Award – Let’s just say, the award should be called the Mike Trout Award.
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Justin Verlander. Just think, the highlight of your season in regards to Verlander was seeing him naked.