Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Closer Look was only six days ago and we’ve already lost a $12 Salad (Mo), a Donkeycorn (Huston Street) and three Brain Freezes (Santiago/Thornton, Bell, Downs).  If you think the Closepocalypse is something created by the media (me) to sell newspapers (no one buys newspapers), then continue to disbelieve.  I’m just back from Costco with a keg of chicken broth, 400 count box of Mallomars and a 17 pound box of Wheat Thins to stock my Closepocalypse shelter.  When the major leagues have run out of all pitchers to close and have exhausted all other athletes in all other sports trying to convert them to closers and they come knocking on my door, I’m going into my Closepocalypse shelter and you won’t see me again.  Street is always a good nose blow away from getting hurt, so it’s no huge shocker.  The Padres don’t think he’ll be back when his DL stint is up, and I’ll go as far to say he won’t be back for about a month and he’s a setback away from missing three months.  For further reading on that see:  His career.  I grabbed Andrew Cashner in one league.  I would’ve grabbed Luke Gregerson too if I had room, but, alas, I did not.  Who could fit anything with this keg of broth?!  And, because as soon as anyone becomes a closer, they get hot in the way a Dutch oven is hot, so Cashner followed every other closer this year and gave up a bunch of runs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery.  He said his symptoms point to it.  Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews.  Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist.  “I think I have a cavity.”  “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”

Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell.  Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.”  Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long.  He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with.  He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day.  There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen.  Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job.  What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List.  It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence.  Not like he’s new to the 9th inning.  Something’s off with him physically.

Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist.  FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months.  I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies).  Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring.  Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine.  Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.

Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!

Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.

Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.

Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month.  Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy.  Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer.  I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things.   Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals.  He’s real and he’s beautiful.

Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health.  Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.

Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday.  If someone dropped him, grab him.

J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Chris Davis - 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game.  Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami.  (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.”  We won’t judge you here.)

Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions.  Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings.  The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates.  I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t.  This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3′s.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday.  He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average.  He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.

David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June.  I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league.  He should’ve been already.  Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!

Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!

Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.”  Downs hurt his knee yesterday.  Why?  Because closers can’t have anything nice this year.  It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days.  LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job.  Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t.  “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?”  That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House.  Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game.  Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings.  Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day.  I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump.  Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs.  He has 20 homer power and some speed.  I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.

Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday.  You, “Do you smell something burning?”  Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato.  It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”

Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers.  Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball.  He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out.  Run.  Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.

Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Against the A’s?  The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th.  Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick.  Against the A’s?  On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.

Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee.  Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size.  And for the most part, I do that.  Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing.  If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.

Dayan Viciedo - Was hit on the elbow.  The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain.  The good news, he made contact with the baseball.

Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop.  This is very surprising.  Gardenhire has a radio show?  Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup?  Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion?  Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey?  As for Dozier, not that surprising.  Twins need offense something fierce.  Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good).  I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.

Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL.  If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.

Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  I have a confession.  In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.”  I drafted Soto and dropped him.  Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too.  I’m a bad ‘pert, son.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER.  As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing!  In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80′s calculator watch he sounds like.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal.  Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”

Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday.  And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters.  He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.

Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy.  Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.”  Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year.  If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench.  “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark.  There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield?  Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season.  And the 2010 season.  And the 2011 season.  See a pattern?  If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations.  It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig.  He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed.  If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder.  If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him.  In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10.  Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle?  ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10.  So don’t trust me.  But you gotta trust someone in this life.  You can’t go it alone.  Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you.  I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year?  35 saves.  Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you?  25 saves.  We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.

Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions.  If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”

Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting?  The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured?  Isn’t it clear?  I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?”  Now, now.

Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys?  Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings.  Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.

Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me.  Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy.  What’s not to like?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, tell me.  (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays.  I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)

Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta.  I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it.  See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked.  AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a.  But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89).  He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up.  He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario.  The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch.  If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.

Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power.  He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican.  Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.

Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.  We are the three point five percenters!  How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?!  You best recognize!

Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th.  I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.

Denard Span – He’s healthy!  That’s all I got.  I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me.  Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.

Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning.  Don’t make me go back there!

Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!”  At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.

Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league.  “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water?  Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!”  That’s me as I stump for the hump.)

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark?  Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park!  I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off.   Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.

Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.

Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee).  I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar.  Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play.  As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?”  As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.”  Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”

Tim Lincecum went six innings and gave up a bongillion runs and has a 10.54 ERA on the year.  He’s either sharing a UCL with Wilson or he’s about to make a turn around.  No pitcher is going to throw a 10.54 ERA without the universe abandoning that whole gravity thing.  And in that case, there would be bigger fish to fry, and we’d have to fry that fish in a Jiffy Pop container, otherwise the hot oil would float away.  Or so I read in one of Ken Cosgrove’s stories.  Will Lincecum have a 2.75 ERA this year?  Well, that’s a different bag of flying fried fish.  There’s talk that his velocity is down, which makes his change-up less effective.  See, you need one to go fast and one to go deceptively less fast.  It’s timing, y’all.  Could Lincecum be nothing more than a 3.50 ERA pitcher?  Yeah, it’s possible, but there’s still value in that.  I wouldn’t give the farm in a trade for him, but I’d see if someone was interested in the tractor.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Wilson – There’s talk he could rehab and not get Tommy John surgery because he has a moderate UCL sprain.  Oh!  Is that all?  Terrific.  Spray some Windex on it and get out there!

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a run as he started for the 2nd straight day.  Look at the big brain on Bochy!

Freddy Sanchez – Had a minor setback during his rehab.  Hey, I know that impersonation — Josh Hamilton, right?  Pretty good, Freddy!

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2nd homer as he bats .405.  He’s marching towards history; someone better put Ted Williams’ head in a microwave.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and a 131 pitches.  I couldn’t get a one out save for Valverde here?  Throw Grey a bone!

Doug Fister – Threw 10 pitches off the mound and another 90 pitches and, Dougie Fister, you’re on.  On, on, on, on, on… But, trust me, you don’t want to see Fister beatbox.

Carlos Gonzalez – Out for three straight days with strep throat.  For our Latin American readers, that’s no lymph nodus operandi.

Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers.  You kinda had to have nads of steel if you started Duffy vs. the Tigers.  Or whatever the equivalent is for our four girl readers.  It’s not even that incredible of a start.  Or is it?!  There was only one walk.  That could make Danny Duffy more than just the cream of the crap on the Royals staff.  His problem in the past has been walks, but if he controls that, guess what else he has?  Yup.  So far, he has 15 Ks in 12 1/3 innings.  Sure, it’s a small sample size, but so are your hands and we know that’s a myth.  Over 10 K-rate in Triple-A, over 9 in Double-A, over 7 last year in the majors, but he was a mess last year.  Throw it out.  Seriously, find a recycle bin and let Philip Humber pick it out.  Means nothing.  If he can get 180 innings this year, he could get 180 Ks.  The ERA may bounce around 4.00, but there’s upside for much more.

Andy Pettitte – Will make his next start on Friday after he pitched 4 shutout innings on Sunday.  May 10th is the target date for his return.  Let’s see if they can coax Posada out of retirement, and then the Yankees can make every day Old Timer’s Day.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4, but whatever.  The other day I saw Raul Ibanez on the front page of ESPN’s fantasy coverage talking about how he should be owned.  I was like, “Hmm… Did I miss something between drunk Friday and hangover Saturday?”  So I looked at his stats:  2 homers on the year, 9 RBIs while batting .222.  Why is ESPN pimping this guy?  Oh, that’s right, he plays for the Yankees.  Seriously, imagine he was on any other team.  This guy would get a feature?  He has some huge years on the Phils and never saw any press.  What’s Clay Rapada gotta do to get a feature?  Freddy Garcia can’t get no coverage?  Hey, ESPN, go get your shine box!

Michael Pineda – Threw 26 pitches in a bullpen session.  It’s no marathon bukkake session, but I guess it’s something.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, Valley Fever, I sneeze in your general direction!

Jason Bay – 1-for-4 with a homer.  So he didn’t retire?

Jason Heyward – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal.  I love that.  Nothing gets me juices flowing like saying “me” instead of “my” and a guy who isn’t owned for steals stealing a random base.  Get it, Heyward, get it!

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Did we ever establish his over/under for innings pitched this year?  How’s 130 sound?

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors.  I know, sonavabench!  But better a good start on the bench than a bad one and then be worried about his next start too.

Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Looks like there’s some traffic, cause he’s also batting .405.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  Matt Wieters Fact:  He took two years in the majors to fulfill his potential.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 with a pinch hit homer off Santiago.  Now has 3 homers on the year.  Since I’ve spewed nothing but praise for Reimold for the last three years, I’ll save you the time.  I love him.  If you really wanna go there, my Nolan Reimold fantasy.  I wrote it in pink highlighter.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  On last week’s podcast, I said Santiago wouldn’t get out of April with the closer job.  Cust kayin’.

Philip Humber – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Starting the week off with a Humber, nice!  Not to be an ageist, but Humber’s 29 years old and hasn’t shown a whole lot.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s solid.  In most mixed leagues, you can probably find better.

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer (and RBIs) of the season.  Member when everyone was crazy about Kendrys in the spring?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  We were younger then!  And you had hair!

Glen Perkins – Sounds like Perkins might end up on the DL. So if shizz Cappens, the back up would be… Have the Twins won yet?  Oh, yeah, they have… Okay, so if there’s a Cappsizing… Um, well, there’s the Reading Rainbow favorite, Jared Burton… There’s Brian, the Duensing Machine… There’s Alex Burnett.  Yeah, let’s hope Capps is okay… Wait, I own Capps.  Yeah, I’m not sure what I’m hoping for.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and third RBI on the year.  Another 98 homers and he’ll break 100 RBIs.  Oh, Twins.

Stephen Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs as he filled in for Espinosa.  This is worth monitoring in NL-Only leagues.  Lombardozzi has good potential, but I think Espinosa will be back out there.  Though Espinosa is proving to be a painful 20/20.  Like looking at Hugh Downs naked.

Henry Rodriguez – 2nd save yesterday and he has a 0.00 ERA.  Nothing to see there, literally.

Wilson Ramos – Hit his first homer yesterday.  He tried to get it back from the fan who caught it, but the fan wanted $50,000 in unmarked bills dropped off in an abandoned parking lot.  Poor guy…

Mitch Moreland – Should be fine today after having oral surgery.  That Hershiser sure is busy!

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I recall something in the preseason something about you staying away from Shields.  That’s right, Random Italicized Voice, I was worried– You were wrong!  Well, I was– Wrong!  Are you going to let me finish?  Sure.  He has a 3.98 ERA career ERA after 1240 innings.  That’s not the smallest of sample sizes.  He doesn’t look like a sub-3 ERA pitcher like he was last year, but more like a sub-4 ERA.  If you want to look at small sample sizes– Pull down your pants!  Funny.  No, what I was going to say is that his K-rate looks to be reverting to his ‘bad’ ERA years.  On a related note, I tried to see some historical data for Patriot’s Day games because I was wondering if those games are usually low scoring because they’re so early.  I didn’t find any data, but I ended up at Wikipedia where I found this, “Because of the unusually early start time as the first baseball game of the week, many fantasy baseball players are often negatively affected by the early roster lock time. Each year, this date causes havoc with owner’s lineups who are unfamiliar with the early start.”  Are our commenters editing Wikipedia?

Fernando Rodney – Recorded his 4th save.  Aren’t you glad you drafted (fill in one of seventeen injured closers)?

Daniel Bard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 7 Ks as he was throwing 36% sliders.  Looks like the Bard’s already drafting a sequel to Antony & Cleopatra called, Antony & UCLeopatra where their love leads to a rupture that only one doctor in all the land can fix.

Cody Ross – 2-fo-4.  In the Sawx outfield is Ross, Sweeney and McDonald.  That sounds more like a comedy troupe than a MLB OF.  Is that the Boston Groundlings?

Kevin Youkilis – Did not play as Bobby Valentine called into question Youk’s heart.  How can they say that after he played with those two broken thumbs?

Mike Stanton times 5.  That’s really all I want in my outfield this year.  Is that so wrong of me to ask for?  Sadly I know this is not a reality, not even in a fantasy world so I’ll have to make due with 4 Non Stantons…somehow.  I’m not going to lie and say OF is deep in a league setting like this but OF is also where you see the most turnover and opportunities throughout the season.  Coach wants Yonder Alonso’s bat in the lineup, so he throws him in left field.  The Texas outfield is in the infirmary ward, time to go pick up D. Murphy for a couple of weeks.  Just make sure its the Rangers D. Murphy and not the Mets D. Murphy.

My realistic perfect 5 outfield set would start with taking Mike ‘don’t call me Mike, call me Giancarlo‘ Stanton in the 2nd round because I’ve already got my 1B in the first.  My next OF to grab would be B.J. Upton in the 5th or 6th to give me steals without giving up on having power.  After that we fly on down to the 8th or 9th and snag Jayson Werth and then don’t do anything about our OF again until the 13th round taking Logan Morrison.  Then I hold my nose and slide all the way down to the 17th and pick up Vernon Wells.  I’ll be backfilling my gaps with my previous positional needs that I’ve mentioned while putting together my pitching staff.  I am not going to concern myself with speed a huge amount except in the wee hours of the draft.  I have adhered to and subscribed to SAGNOF since before I knew what it was.  Thanks Grey for putting a hard to pronounce acronym on something I once couldn’t describe.

I’ll Avoid:

Alex Gordon – In looking at Alex Gordon’s line last year, I have a hard time finding a fault with it.  Good Runs, RBIs, average, Steals, and HRs.  But scratch and sniff that surface and I have cause for concern.  He’s not a really good basestealer as he was only 17/25.  For you non-math majors that’s a 68% rate, or as I like to call it, the score you got on your last Geometry exam; It wasn’t good then and it’s not good now.  He hit 3rd and leadoff throughout the year.  The runs don’t drop off at leadoff but the RBIs do.  Everything went just right to get that line last year.  If you get 18 HRs, 13 SBs, 65 RBIs and a .285 average, are you happy you drafted Gordon around the 5th or 6th?  If you answer yes, you’re easily happified and I’m not talking to you anymore.

Ichiro Suzuki - This is not because of last year.  To be fair, I’ve been anti-Ichiro for the last couple of years and have been proven wrong.  It’s hard betting against someone with a .326 career average so cut me some slack.  My main issue with Ichiro is his move in the lineup.  The Mariners want to start the year with Chone Figgins (I always like to replace the ‘n’ in his first name with a ‘d’ while pronouncing the ‘CH’ combination correctly.  It makes me feel better as a Mariners fan; you can use any of the various definitions on Urban Dictionary to find out how I feel about Figgins with that information).  This means they want Ichiro to bat 3rd in the lineup.  Last time I checked, infield singles when someone is already on first usually lead to a GIDP.  Ichiro will be 38 this season, has very little power, a high ground ball percentage and is being switched to an RBI position which will decrease his stolen base opportunities.  Have I negative Nelly’d this enough for you yet? Fine, he’s also a potty mouth.

I’ll Go For:

Ben Revere – So he’s not going to win you any HR contests, but you weren’t really looking for HR contestants in the 235 ADP range were you?  Ben Revere is fast.  So fast you didn’t even notice he is being tabbed as an OF starter for the Twins until you saw this post.  In 117 games last year, he stole 34 bases.  If you do what I tell everyone not to do which is extrapolate that over a season, you are finding 47.07692 steals in the late rounds.  How you get that stuff on the right side of the decimal is beyond me, but math doesn’t lie.  Now you understand why my perfect outfield draft doesn’t include going high on basestealers early in the draft *smugface*.

Nolan Reimold – I had about a bajillion of these late round OF flier thingies I wanted to write up but chose Nolan because I like what they’re doing philosophy-wise in Baltimore; filling their lineup with guys whose motto is ‘hit a HR or strikeout’.  It’s like the Blue Jays philosophy minus pitch recognition.  Nolan won’t win you a batting title but if they give him 500+ ABs, you are probably looking at .250 with 20 to 25 HRs.  Think of him as a just in case for Vernon Wells or Logan Morrison.  I wonder if any parent with a family name of Case has ever named their son Justin before?  I also wonder how therapy went for him.

Situation to Monitor: Washington

There are a lot of things I don’t trust about the Nationals lineup this year (I almost went with a situation call in my 2B or SS section because I see Ian Desmond getting the boot, moving Espinosa to SS and having Lombardozzi gap-fill until they call Rendon up later this summer.  Yep, I just cheated; deal with it.  Now back to our OF blurb).  Its not that I don’t like the players involved, I don’t like what management thinks of them.  Washington has tried like mad to get B.J. Upton to be their centerfielder to no avail and might be giving Roger Bernadina a shot this Spring.  They also sorta gave him a shot last spring by bouncing him up and down and in and out…hrm, that sounded a bit obscene.  The point is, the Nationals don’t seem comfortable with Bernadina in a starting role.  Plus they’ve got this little known kid down on the farm named Bryce Harper whom they’re quite smitten with.  I like Bernadina’s skill set, the Nationals don’t and Harper is going to sell a poopton of tickets when he gets called up.  The only way Morse gets moved is if Adam LaRoche is not healthy so Bryce won’t likely play in LF.  Werth is getting paid too much to be sat so he’s going to stay in the outfield.  That leaves Roger and the people who drafted him getting bounced up and down and in and out and not in a good way.