Scott Rolen is out for the season. It’s time to go gorilla! I don’t even know what that means. Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative! If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco. I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job. I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle. Why a cyclops wearing a monocle? Good question. A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp. Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced. So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything. That’ll be me. BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts. Just something I thought you should know. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis. Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?
Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen. Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers. Considering? He should’ve been moved two months ago. Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.
Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially. Belch.
David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do. Belch, fart.
Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines. Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week. If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go. As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY. Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260. If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.
Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.
Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer. I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year. Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old. My back’s sore. Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I think the Brewers win it all. As I said back in March.
Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year. That’s his concussion concession speech.
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. Ugh, so inefficient. Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year. I know, I know. A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible. But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!
Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat. That’s what she said! He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.
Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday. He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary. Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer. I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time. About time BP starting giving back.
Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start. Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one. And that theory goes out the window with my socks. I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless. I give back. Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon? True story. And I’m not even officially Jewish. Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!
Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues. He’s too hip to be sore! I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.
Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)! Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231. Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year. I don’t have anything to back that up. It’s my gut. It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.
Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer. Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year. Good question. I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off. Not I, friend. He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.
Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday. You know what? There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers. The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.
Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs. Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.
David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms. In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.” That’s probably unrelated.
Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt. The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.
Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal. He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).
Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER. I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.
David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s. I expected more from Price in this start. Am I asking too much? Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals. *big voice* He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year! *small voice* He’s batting .235.
Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter. He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.