You have Eugenio Suarez as your middle infielder and are growing bored, so you check out The Replacements, and there’s so many possibilities. Anything you want, dear, is fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Everything you say, dear, I’ll buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, goodbye Eugenio. He was merely a steward to better things. Sorry, too formal, he was a waiter in the sky. He played/was fair, don’t wanna complain. Don’t want to treat him like a bum, don’t wanna ask Cougs and Ted who I should pick up in case of a tie. Now, I like what I hear about Tim Anderson. If bein’ wrong’s a crime, I’m waiver wiring forever. If bein’ strong’s your kind of pick up, then I need help here this Tim’s got power like a feather. If bein’ afraid is a crime, put the two players side by side. Cause Tim’s at the SAGNOF party down the line. So, Tim Anderson is just steals? Well, not entirely, but that’s what he mostly is. He can also hit for a solid average. In the minors the last three years, he hit .364, .312 and .304. The Honkey Sox seem happy to try him at leadoff, and, with his batting average skills, he should stick there. The speed is real — stealing 49 bases last year in the minors. I’d absolutely take a flyer on him for speed alone. South Park isn’t the only place that has a Tim A. with wheels. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Robinson Chirinos – He’s been like a man possessed since he’s returned from injury, and now has four homers in ten games this year. As in possessed by Babe Ruth’s ghost when it’s not hanging with Fatty Arbuckle’s ghost talking about running a train on Farrah Fawcett’s ghost.
Willson Contreras – This morning I was more optimistic on Contreras coming off his call-up and got swept in the tailwind of the everyone riding the Cubs’ coattails. Now, I’m a bit more conservative on Contreras — Conserveras? — since it sounds like he won’t be up for long. This was the same thing they said last year with Schwarber, so I’d still stash Contreras, but at the expense of, say, Gattis? Meh.
A.J. Reed – Going strictly on my gut, I get the feeling Reed will be up by this time next week. By the way, I just ate two Magic Eight Balls, so trust this gut.
Brandon Moss – This even shocks me, on the Player Rater, Moss has been more valuable than Belt, Carlos Santana, Hanley, Pujols, Abreu, Ryan Zimmerman, Freeman and A-Gon. Just to name some 1st basemen.
Matt Adams – If he were alive 400 years ago, he might’ve heard this, “M. Adams, your Rubenesque figure is quite luscious, would you like to pose for a painting with nothing but an apple?”
Mitch Moreland – Another week, another insane amount of free agent 1st basemen. This year feels particularly inflated with free agent 1st basemen. Perhaps Prince Fielder wasn’t fat all those years but was pregnant with free agent 1st basemen and since he birthed them they are no longer powering him. I wouldn’t completely disregard this possibility.
Pedro Alvarez – The Hitter-Tron is interested in Alvarez like it’s also interested in re-upping its subscription to Popular Mechanics.
Danny Espinosa – I get a kick out of people still asking about Trea Turner. Was Dusty not clear when Turner was called up and he didn’t even play him when there was actual room for Turner to play? That’s a kick in the plum basket, by the way.
Whit Merrifield – To Whit, I almost made Merrifield my lede subject. Not because he sounds like he owns subjects, but because he’s been about as hot as they come recently. I’m not sure he’s anything more than a hot schmotato though, and that’s a no-no on Buy ledes.
Wilmer Flores – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it. Doode, that’s not your scrolly finger, that’s your scratchy ass finger.
Javier Baez – Didn’t have playing time + all he did was strike out = Everyone wanted him. Has playing time + curbed his Ks = Who’s Harry Crumb? Damn, so close to getting that math right.
Cody Asche – At one point in the last few years, I wrote an Asche sleeper post and was crazy excited about him. We don’t talk about that anymore.
Jose Iglesias – Church!
Robbie Grossman – On a Buy column note, I’ve gone over these hot players for the last week, so if the blurbs are not giving you a whole lot like, “Church!” it’s because you haven’t paid attention this week. I’m not one for repeating myself. And that’s me quoting me! Hot schmotato alert! Anyway, heres’ what else I saw…
Ichiro Suzuki – The Trans-Pacific Hit King has also been hot. By the by, Caitlyn Jenner flies the Trans-Pacific airline.
Steven Moya – Was called up to fill-in for J.D. while his elbow heals. By the way, J.D. will only be out four to six weeks; he was diagnosed with Marionette’s Elbow. So, what should we expect from Moya? Big-time power. 30-homer power over the course of a season. Moya? Oh boya! Unfortch, it comes with a likely .200 average. He strikes out a lot. In the minors, he had a 30+ strikeout percentage. That’s absurd. As in, in most leagues, I’m absurd’ing him on waivers and leaving him there.
Trayce Thompson – Looking at the big picture: As many corner men, and infielders in general, that are available on waivers, there ain’t a ton of outfielders. Looking at the small picture: Is that a photo of my genitals?
Mallex Smith – SAGNOF! Anything else? I don’t think so. He looks so bleh at the plate. Takes a certain type to have a .300+ BABIP and still hit .240, but that’s Mallex.
Jameson Taillon – Feel like I’ve heard this guy’s name before. Oh, I know, it’s from the last 35 times I’ve mentioned. My dur.
Jon Gray – His K-rate, walk rate and xFIP are: 10.3, 2.6 and 3.02. So, yes, I’m scared of Coors too, but Gray was a top prospect and looks to be breaking out. *looks in mirror* Damn, I just self-realized a pimple.
Jerad Eickhoff – He’s been aight, but this is more a Stream-o-Nator call. Like the call it makes to Walmart to see if it carries a Speak n Spell, because it’s looking for friends.
Cody Reed – As I said this morning, “Was called up by the Reds. You know that old joke by Woody Allen where he says, my brother is crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken. To which the shrink says, why don’t you commit him? He won’t commit him because he needs the eggs. That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers. They’re totally crazy, risky, and irrational, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs. Is Cody Reed going to be better than, say, CC Sabathia this year? Unlikely. So, why pick him up over Sabathia? Because I need the eggs. Reed can hit high 90s with his fastball and his control appears improved this year. If you’re looking for upside, take the flyer.” And that’s me quoting me!
James Paxton – If you think there’s gonna be this many solid pitching options on waivers the rest of the year, there won’t be. Well, maybe. Guess it depends on your league. Is there an innings cap? H2H? Roto? Keep me updated.
Danny Duffy – I already gave you my Danny Duffy fantasy. It was written in the stars, while we sat on the beach sipping what we believed were pina coladas, but was actually dog urine.
Brandon Kintzler – Perkins is done for the year and the Twins get save chances once every five weeks. What’s not to love?
Shawn Kelley – Dusty says Kelley is Papelbon’s fill-in, but you never know with Dusty. Dusty has 125 TVs tuned to different channels in his house because he keeps losing the remote control.
Carlos Estevez – Owning a Rockies closer doesn’t need to be scary. Yes, Coors is a stadium high on helium, but Estevez can successfully pitch one inning every couple of days for saves.
Will Harris – Has the Astros’ closer job locked up only about two months after it should’ve happened. I wonder how much better the Astros would’ve been if they made Harris the closer in April. *wavy lines* Hey, the Astros won three extra games. This is the worst dream sequence ever. *wavy lines* Yeah, um, cool.
SELL
Jose Fernandez – This is not about his beautiful, gorgeous, adjective pitching. It is a thing of beauty. I make sweet love to any fantasy team that owns Jo-Fer when he’s pitching. But when is he pitching? That is the question I ask of thee. StupiDon Mattingly has already said they’re skipping Fernandez, and will limit him the entire season. StupiDon Mattingly also shaved his mustache, so his judgment is that of a drunk frat boy being asked to look the other way while a girl changes out of her bathing suit. In some shallower leagues, you might be better off trading Jo-Fer for a hitter and streaming. Obviously, I’m not saying trade Jo-Fer for a box of penises labeled, “Jerk off.” Though, I would explore offers.
