The trade of Yasiel Puig, Matt Kemp, Alex Wood to the Reds means one thing, the Dodgers are signing Manny Machado or Bryce Harper. I’m kidding, in the non-funny way. Maybe it means that, but I kinda hope it doesn’t, so Muncy, Pederson and others have room to play. Not sure why the Dodgers rehired Dave Roberts, but I’m impressed the Dodgers realized that Dave Roberts had zero capacity for managing a team. “What’s he doing?” “I don’t know.” That’s two Dodgers execs watching Dave Roberts juggle three VHS copies of the movie Platoon. “I don’t think he understands what we meant when we asked him to juggle platoons.” “Yeah.” “So, we should trade Puig?” “Maybe trade like five guys.” “Okay.” So, Puig goes back to the Reds, but they’re no longer an island nation in the Caribbean. Now, they’re in Ohio. In five years, people will be like, “I forgot Puig played for the Reds for three months.” Yes, I think he’ll likely be traded in July. Either way, he will get everyday at-bats and should get a nice boost in fantasy value. The Reds were surprising solid last year on offense, and I see no reason why that would end. For 2019, I’ll give Yasiel Puig projections 73/27/83/.273/11 in 502 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2019 fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – 2nd piece in Puig trade (was it the third piece?). Here’s where I’m at with this sexy brostein. I don’t want him to get even 250 ABs, but I think he’s going to get at least 425 ABs if he’s healthy. Just facing lefties in a Jesse Winker platoon wouldn’t get Kemp anywhere near 400 ABs, however, that’s where my fear comes in. Since Kemp can face righties, he’s going to take at-bats from Winker and Scott Schebler. Trying to figure out Kemp’s spot in the lineup is going to be like when I have my dog do my taxes. Everything is chewed up and shat out. Until he learned Quicken! For a limited time only–My intern is telling me that sponsorship didn’t come through. For 2019, I’ll give Kemp projections of 53/17/62/.281 in 430 ABs.
Alex Wood – The 3rd (2nd?) piece in the Reds/Dodgers trade. By the way, I was going through the Reds’ depth chart, and I found the Reds have a guy named Fidel Castro in their minor leagues. If he ever plays against the Yankees, he better watch out for exploding cigars. From a real baseball standpoint, the Reds did a positive just getting rid of Homer Bailey. They could’ve sent Bailey and a billion dollars to the Dodgers and it would’ve been a win. As for Wood, though, well, Cincy is not going to be a friendly place for him. For 2019, I’ll give Alex Wood projections 8-10/3.89/1.26/142 in 162 IP.
Jurickson Profar – Traded to the A’s. The Rangers decided on this with a little added Wisdom. Their new 3rd baseman. Here’s what I said previously about Profar, “He’s a 20/20 threat at shortstop with a likely .280 average over the course of next season. He was born in 1993. You remember 1993, it was the year you got your driver’s license and told your mom you’re going to follow Sister Hazel on tour. Profar is the first player to reach the majors born in 1993. Though, I think Alfonso Soriano briefly claimed to be born in 1993. In case you’re new to this whole “fantasy thing,” Profar’s going to be a 1st or 2nd round talent very soon. If you’re new to reading, when I put quotes around fantasy thing, I was being snarky. If you’re new to the word snarky–well, moving on. Profar is going to be a star. His upside is 30/30.” And that’s me quoting me! There’s only one small catch with that, I wrote it in 2012! I even forgot how crazy I was for Profar back in the day. Due to how long it took Profar to finally emerge, and why I say always go for a sure thing vs. a prospect, he doesn’t have that speed upside anymore. His previous year of 20/10/.254 seems repeatable, and maybe he can build on it slightly. Though, thinking of Oakland as a launching pad feels misguided, and he hits a bunch of ground balls vs. fly balls. For 2019, I’ll give Profar projections of 72/21/80/.271/11 in 546 ABs.
Joakim Soria – Signed with the A’s. True story, I’m sitting on a plane right now as I type this up and next to me is Lou Holtz. He’s wearing green and he instantly recognized when I made a Fightin’ Irish pose. Then again, he might just be an old white guy with a popped blood vessel-covered nose. Either way, the difference between Soria and every decent middle reliever is as distinguishable as every old white guy and Lou Holtz. For 2019, Soria projections are 5-2/3.05/1.09/73, 6 saves in 62 IP.
Mike Fiers – Re-signed with the A’s. The A’s must’ve liked what they saw from Fiers last year, or maybe they need to get their eyes checked. Fiers is a tough one to recommend, because he has such a small margin of error in every aspect of his game. If he doesn’t have impeccable command with an under 2 BB/9, then kabloomie. If he loses a notch on his 89 MPH fastball, then kablamie. Kabloomie, kablamie, schlemiel schmaziel, nah’mean? For 2019, I’ll give Fiers projections 12-10/3.91/1.22/132 in 164 IP.
Domingo Santana – Traded to the Mariners. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, Sunday Santana is free at last! I haven’t been this excited for a Sunday since I went to that Easter egg hunt at Jose Andres’. Is this a 60 degree egg? This is marvelous! (Foodie dork joke!) Sunday Funday Santana got so screwed out of so many millions of dollars it makes me feel for him. If he kept starting every day on the Brewers, he would be looking at a $60+ mill deal somewhere. And, as much as I like Domingo, it’s hard to argue with what Lorenzo Cain and Yelich did on the Brewers. As my inappropriate uncle says about a lactating woman, you can’t cry over spilled MILF. Like a great pair of boxers, Domingo has room to breath and I’m looking forward to drafting him everywhere again. For 2019, Domingo Santana projections are 77/27/83/.257/8 in 533 ABs.
Cory Spangenberg – Signed with the Brewers. The Brewers are hilarious. Here’s them last week, “Schoop was a terrible trade last year. We should’ve just went with what we had. Hernan Perez and Villar had done us well up until that point, and we got in our own heads–*spots shiny new thing* Cory Spangenberg! He seems like a great signing!” So, Spangenberg becomes their strong side of the 2nd basemen platoon. For 2019, I’ll give him 41/12/45/.239/8 in 395 ABs.
Michael Brantley – Signed with the Astros. It’s a shame it didn’t happen about three weeks later, because I was going to say in my rankings there’s no way the Astros go with Tony Kemp in a starting outfielder spot, and now you won’t ever see how brilliantly prescient I was. *sucks teeth* Shucks! This also takes some shine off Kyle Tucker, but I do think there’s less than a 5% chance Springer, Brantley and Reddick all stay healthy this year. Hey, another chance for me to look prescient — Sweet! For 2019. my Michael Brantley projections are 66/13/52/.291/9 in 434 ABs.
Rajai Davis – Signed to a minor league contract with the Mets. Minor league? Juan Lagares isn’t even fit to feed grapes to The King of SAGNOF!
Wilson Ramos – Signed with the Mets. Look at the Mets making smart moves. This is such a better move than that whole Thor and our entire farm system for Realmuto. Mets are my new favorite team! Kidding, I’m not trying to get my heart broken. Solid deal for Ramos, a legit top catcher for fantasy, who comes at a more discounted rate than the top top catchers. Still wouldn’t draft him unless he fell past the 200 overall spot, but he’s good. Even better, the Mets never have to mess with d’Arnaud again. *see d’Arnaud’s stats* He hit one homer last year, but it was only in four games, so he was on pace for 41 homers. Damn, they didn’t need Ramos at all! For 2019, my Ramos projections are 54/17/71/.274 in 454 ABs.
Daniel Descalso – Signed with the Cubs. This kind of signing should be illegal. The Cubs are just enabling Joe Maddon! This is like buying a hoarder a hideaway couch. You know they’re just going to remove the pull-out mattress and hide in its place 400 limited edition Funko dolls! Somehow, now Maddon will get Descalso and Zobrist a combined 900 at-bats.
Ian Kinsler – Signed with the Padres. Since Kinsler said he hates when Latino players celebrate excessively, or really show any emotion, this signing is perfect for him. No one has ever been excited about being in San Diego, let alone playing for the Padres. Kinsler, enjoy your subdued detachment, and may an eye blink be construed as excitement. Until Fernando Tatis Jr. is ready, Ian Kinsler is a bridge loan for a team with a 300 FICO score. For 2019, I’ll give Kinsler projections of 61/15/41/.233/12 in 509 ABs.
Matt Adams – Signed with the Nationals. When I think of Adams’ role on a team, I think of him in colonial garb, ringing a bell, saying, “Bat for hire…bat for hire.” It’s too bad for Adams’s sake, he never signs with an AL team. I wonder if he knows about the DH. For 2019, I’ll give him 38/17/44/.261 in 327 ABs.
Anibal Sanchez – Signed with the Nats. Anibal had one of the greatest contract seasons in history. This was like he won an Oscar for Dancing With Wolves, and now he’s got a deal to go make Waterworld. Batten down the hatches, Nationals, because, when Anibal’s done with you, you’re gonna wish you had matted down the nachos! See, when you put a decorative border on a picture of nachos you are matting down–Either way, Anibal had a .255 BABIP, 79.4% LOB% and suddenly stopped allowing homers when he was a homer machine the previous three years. For 2019, I’ll give ANibal projections of 10-10/4.28/1.35/130 in 144 IP.
Matt Harvey – Signed with the Angels. Matt Harvey has become more than a pitcher. He’s now a barometer as to what teams are idiots. The Mets carried him for a while, but they shook the idiot label to the Reds. But fool me once, shame on Matt Harvey, fool me twice and I won’t get fooled again, as they say in Texas. Now, the Angels are showing their true selves and grabbing Harvey for a cool $11 million. For 2019, I’ll give Matt Harvey projections of 8-10/4.54/1.33/127 in 149 IP.
Trevor Cahill – Signed with the Angels. Cahill must be perceived to be a lesser pitcher than Matt Harvey. I’m assuming, at least, since he received two million less than him. Funny how perception and reality are operating on different realms with fantasy balancing between the two. Damn, that shizz is poetic! I would want Cahill over Harvey, and not sure how close it is. Cahill can’t stay healthy, but at least he’s serviceable when he is. For 2019, I’ll give Cahill projections of 7-8/4.02/1.23/117 in 124 IP.
Daniel Murphy – Signed with the Rockies. The Rockies hate fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) so much they refuse to give any rookie a chance ever. Ramiel Tapia and Garrett Hampson will be playing more games of Mancala on the bench this year than baseball. Sure, the Rockies are saying Murphy will play 1st base, and he might. On occasion. Or even if it’s four times a week. Hampson will still be benched randomly a few times a week and be untenable in shallower fantasy leagues, assuming the Rockies don’t sign a 2nd baseman still. As for Murphy, he’s fine. Coors won’t hurt, but it’s not magically going to make him younger. Your Coors beer goggles are too thick. For 2019, I’ll give him the projections of 72/22/56/.306/4 in 487 ABs.
Andrew Miller – Signed with the Cards. Excellent move by the Cards if Miller’s healthy. That ‘if’ is the size of the pour at an Irish funeral. There’s a chance Miller could even close for them too. It’s Miller time in Busch! Brand confusion! I’ll give Miller projections of 5-2/3.44/1.09/86, 14 saves in 68 IP, but might change the saves projections if it looks like he’s going to close.
James McCann – Signed a deal with the White Sox to back up Welington Castillo, i.e., where’s the boeuf? In front of McCann! That will never get old (for me). That’s a mighty rich backup for a team that lost 100 games last year. MLB is so goofy right now. Teams that were on the brink of the playoffs (D-Backs, M’s, Indians) tore down everything and teams struggling to compete (Rays, White Sox) are going for it. And, yes, I know the Rays won 90 games last year, but they also have the Yankees and Red Sox in front of them. Any hoo! McCann is a backup of an oft-injured catcher, so he might see 375 ABs (or 175). For 2019, I’ll give him the projections of 21/6/31/.231 in 264 ABs.
Yonder Alonso – Traded to the White Sox. Some have speculated that the trade of Yonder means Machado is now going to the White Sox, because Yonder is Machado’s brother-in-law. So much to unpack from this I don’t even know where to begin. Why would he want to play with his in-law? Reminds me of the old joke, difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. Next point, how the hell did he marry Yonder’s sister? Were they at a game? Why not trade for Mike Trout’s brother and Bryce Harper’s dad? Does Trout have a brother? Trade for his sister. Maybe his nephew. Who cares, get someone in the family. Finally, why would Yonder be any sort of key to Machado? Did Machado ever express wanting to play for the Indians for the last two years? So, Yonder went to the White Sox, and will split time with Abreu at 1B/DH, until Abreu is traded, and, if he’s not, there’s room for both Abreu and Yonder in the lineup. For 2019, I’ll give Yonder projections of 61/25/74/.244 in 524 ABs.
