For those of you expecting Dan Pants, well the pants are off today. And when the pants come off, malamoney comes out. Did I just talk about myself in third person? I love when I do that. I think Grey might have asked every Razzball writer before asking me to fill in. I’m not sure I blame him, but did he really have to ask the Chinese food delivery guy too? Just because it was Chien-Ming Wang doesn’t lessen the blow to my already diminished self esteem. Speaking of self esteem, Jon Lester was on a roll last night. I’m not a big fan of Lester, but I was watching the box score thinking to myself how much easier this post would be if he completed the no hit bid. Nonetheless, with two outs in the seventh, Hunter Pence hit 1-2 pitch over the wall that Trump is going to build to keep the illegal Mexicans out to break up Lester’s no-no. “No no” is exactly what Trump plans to say to any Mexican caught trying to scale his new wall. Rumor has it that Jorge Cantu caught Pence’s home run ball and threw it back over the wall in disgust. Then he and Yovani Gallardo put on sombreros and cracked open some cervazas. Lester went the distance giving up just three hits and the one run. He struck out four and walked two throwing just 102 pitches…
Carlos Carrasco – I was very temped to give Carrasco and his 11 strikeouts the lede, but I made a last minute game time decision to do otherwise. I was considering “Carlos KKKKKKKKKKKarrasco” as my title, but I just didn’t like the way it looked. If Carrasco was actually spelled with a “K”, I think I could have convinced myself. What do you think? Carlos struck out every Marlins hitter except Adeiny Hechavarria and Dee Gordon. He even got red hot Christian Yelich three times. In his last 40 innings pitched Carrasco has struck out 56 batters. That’s a 12.6 K/9!!!!!!!!!!! (<– eleven exclamation marks for his eleven strikeouts because 12.6 was too hard).
Chris Davis – Davis hit is 33rd home run and is just about on pace for a 40 homer season. Am I the only one that doesn’t seem to give a crap? With that home run he also recorded his league leading 182nd, 183rd and 184th strikeouts. You know you suck when you have 32 more strikeouts than Justin Upton and you’re batting .221. I really hate ending a sentence with a batting average. The whole dot number dot (period) irks me for some reason. So does Chris Davis.
Justin Upton – Speaking of this season’s most disappointing fantasy player and second best Upton in the league, Justin is on fire in the month of September. Last night he went 2 for 4 with a home run and two runs batted in. He’s now batting .500 for the month and will likely get hot enough to fool owners into drafting him next year. If I were him, I’d just pack it in and give myself a better shot at the “Comeback Player of Year” Award next season. Would that be considering tanking? Why is taking considering such a sh!tty thing to do if the league doesn’t have a rule against it? Make a rule or STFU!
Billy Hamilton – If Hamilton doesn’t stop stealing Donald Trump is going to put him on the same side of the wall as Cantu. After having stolen only three bases in his last 17 games, Billy swiped three in one night. It was the second time this season he’s stolen three bases in a game against the Cardinals, and now has 14 stolen bases against the red birds this season. Hey Derek Lilliquist, you might want to tell your pitchers to keep an eyes on this guy.
David Price – Way to go man, you beat up on the lowest scoring team in the American League. But wait a minute, why should I give him sh!t for doing what he should against a mediocre team. Seven punch outs, four hits, two earned runs and a win in seven innings should make any owner happy. After a slow start Price is finally catching up, having won his last five starts and getting his ERA under 4. He now sits with a 14-8 record and 193 strikeouts in 190.2 innings pitched. I guess the price IS right.
Dylan Bundy – 5.2 IP, 5K, 2H, 0ER and 4BB. He needs to lower his walks and HRA, but I think he is reminding himself how good he is and is using this season to be ready for next. I am very much looking forward to owning him next year, and he should even come with RP eligibility. I’m kinda hoping they shut him down some time soon. I do remember some talk of him being limited to 70 innings this season and he now has just over 90. Hey Buck, you want to show me walter? Well I want to show you Bundy’s injury history. Stop playing with fire and shut him down. By the way, who the hell is walter? How bout you show me the common sense. Buck Showcommonsense.
Alex Reyes – Six innings pitched, seven strikeouts. I can’t wait to own this kid next year too. He’s a strikeout machine and pitches for the Cardinals. Reyes lived in New Jersey until he was 18. Me too! He was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey which is pretty much a sh!thole, but it’s not far from where I lived most of my life so I feel like I have to root for him a little more.
Danny Duffy – After winning ten straight decisions, Danny has lost his last two. Are things getting a bit stuffy for Duffy? Even though he gave up four earned runs and nine hits last night, he still struck out eight in five and two thirds. He has now tied his career high in innings pitched with 149 and a third. Did I mention how much I am looking forward to owning Bundy, Reyes and Duffy next year. Depending on your league, all three might come with RP eligibility.
Travis Shaw – I feel like I haven’t heard this name in a long time. I guess when the Red Sox score 16 runs someone on the team is bound to have had a big night. How’s 3 for 6 with a homer, two doubles and five RBIs for a big night? That sounds like two months of stats for Justin Upton.
Miguel Cabrera – I Googled 3 for 5, with a home run and four runs batted in and it said “Miggy being Miggy”. He is now one homer short of thirty and fifteen RBIs shy of 100. Did I mention he’s batting .312. (<– pet peeve)
Adam Eaton – Did you ever hear the story of Adam & Eaton? It’s a much more believable story than Adam & Eve. Or Adam & Steve if that’s your thing. Let there be hits. Eaton led the league in hits last night with four. Three singles and a double to be presice. Four runs scored, a ribbie, a strikeout and a walk. If only he had stolen a base this would have been a textbook Adam Eaton stat line. Maybe he gave his stolen base to Steve.
Howie Kendrick – When I said Eaton led the league in hits last night, the truth is that he tied for the lead with Kendrick. I’m giving Eaton the tie breaker because all of Howie’s hits were singles. Wow, that sounds like some sort of radio disc jockey line.
A.J. Pollock – A to the J hit his first home run of the season and first since October 4th, 2015. In six games he now has 1HR, 3RBI, 4SB and 4BB. Ok, so he has five strikeouts too, but he’s still batting .302. (<– damnit!)
Matt Kemp – Kemp homered last night and drove in four. He also had two base hits. Why is it that I just don’t care what he does. I mean come on, he has 27 home runs and 92 RBIs on the season. Why do we care so much more when Miggy does it? Because Kemp is a tool. I’m so glad Ryan Braun beat him out for that MVP Award back in 2011. Love you Ryan!
Rougned Odor – With a home run last night Rougned now has 28 home runs and the smell of 30 is in the air. Brian Dozier also hit a homer to bring his 2B leading total to 33. Robinson Cano is the only other second baseman with at least 30.
Byron Buxton – Remember early in the season when I said 2016 wasn’t his year. Just because he went 2 for 3 last night with two runs scored does not make me any less right. Considering he was just recalled from the minors, I’d have to say I was exactly right on Buxton’s 2016 campaign. Feels a little like Bernie Sanders. A lot of hype only to fall flat on his face. At least Byron didn’t have Killary holding him back.
Asdrubal Cabrera – The Mets lost 4-1 to the Nationals, only managing four hits. Cabrera had half of those hits. One of those was a a solo home run. It was his sixth in his last eight game.
Mark Trumbo – Trumbo hit his league leading 41st home run last night against the Yankees in Baltimore’s 8-0 rout. The O’s were actually a walk away from going back-to-back-to-back. In the second inning Pedro Alvarez homered. Then Manny Machado walked. Manny’s walk was followed by back-to-back home runs from Chris Davis and Trumbo. If you remove Machado from the lineup they would have had back-to-back-to-back. Or had Machado homered, they would have gone back-to-back-to-back-to-back, which hasn’t happened since the Red Sox did it against (who else?) the Yankees back on April 22nd, 2007. Coincidentally, Machado homered in his next at bat in the 4th inning.
Alex Bregman – Alex went 2 for 5 with a triple, a homer, three RBIs and two runs scored against the Rangers. If he keeps that up we might have to call him Alex Bragman.
Alex Dickerson – Dickerson reach based three times without even swinging the bat. He walked once and was hit by a pitch twice. Hit me once, shame on you. Hit me twice, shame on me. He scored twice, proving a walk (or HBP) is almost as good as a hit. I say “almost” because neither will score a runner from second base under normal circumstances.
Christian Yelich – Coming into last night’s game Yelich had homered in three straight games. He matched those three homers with three strikeouts, falling one short of a golden sombrero. After the game Yelich said he was converting and will now be known as Jewish Yelich. And if he does not homer in his next game he will come to his senses and change his name to Athiest Yelich. In related news, Xavier Scruggs and JaCoby Jones also went 0 for 4 with three strikeouts.
Alex Cobb – And last, but not least how could I not mention Alex Cobb who made his 2016 MLB debut last night after returning from Tommy John surgery. It was his first start since 2014. I didn’t see the start, but his line of 5IP, 7K, 1BB, 4H and 2ER looks pretty good. Looking at the box score I see a shaky first two innings after which he retired his next and final ten batters. Hopefully those of you that have stashed him all season are still in contention.
Am I the first Razzball writer to work Xavier Scruggs into my post? And with that I am officially putting my pants back on.
