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Welcome to the 2016 Razzball Team Previews! You’ll find everything you need to know about each team to get yourself ready for the upcoming fantasy baseball season. And I mean everything, folks. We’ve got line-ups, charts, Slurpees, lube, a guide for beginner electricians, and even a cactus! Well, that’s a lie. That’s what Jay had last year sitting in front of him. This year? Um…a little less lube? Take that as you will. But hey, we’ve got teams to preview and questions to ask, so let’s hop to it. We a very special guest for this post…Brad Rowland, to provide his take on what the team has in store this season. Now enough rambling, let’s see what 2016 holds for the Atlanta Braves!

Note: Want to take on M@ in the Razzball Commenter Leagues? Join here!

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Wed 8/6
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | OAK

I’m Buzzkill Aldrin this preseason, huh?  Just call me Killjoy McAvoy!  Don’t hate the player, hate the game, or in this case, watch as I hate players that play the game.  First, I call Miguel Sano overrated, and now the other supremely hyped 2nd year guy, Kyle Schwarber.  I may as well just say Carlos Correa has gout and call it a day.  You know, not a lot of ‘perts would call Sano and Schwarber overrated, so if nothing else I’m getting an A in Balls.  Potentially, an F in Smarts.  But maybe I’ll get a C in Being Aware of My Lack of Smarts, which gives me a C overall and passes me through to the next grade.  I’m not getting placed in any AP classes next year though.  I’m hanging out the window with my grade A Balls and letting everyone know that I have a problem where everyone else has none.  At first, I was shocked that so many people were on board with Sano and Schwarber, but, once I saw everyone was on board, it was only natural that every everyone was on board.  I mean, what is fantasy prognosticating without repeating back to you exactly what everyone else is saying, right?  This is one of ESPN’s rare qualities.  Everyone says Kyle Schwarber is good?  Great, he’s good; now, let’s move on so we can get out of here by lunch.  Member that time they did a video of their rankings summit?  Ten minutes of Cockcroft rolling his eyes, five minutes of Karabell getting his makeup touched up, fifteen minutes of Berry hitting on Karabell, thinking he was a girl.  Good times!  I understand the urge to be positive on Schwarber.  He hits the ball a long way.  He is exciting.  But, alas…. Anyway, what makes Kyle Schwarber overrated for 2016 fantasy baseball?

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A few weeks ago, we looked at some interesting hitter stats over the last few years. If you didn’t find the stats and trends that were highlighted in that article to be particularly interesting, at least you might have been mildly amused by the inclusion of names such as Jack Cust, Candy Nelson, and Silver Flint. Today, it’s the pitchers’ turn. Perhaps I can find an excuse to reference Cannonball Titcomb in this post. There’s only one way to find out! (spoiler alert: he won’t be mentioned again)

Just as I did in the hitter edition of this series, I’ll be listing various statistics with little to no analysis so that you can be the judge of how relevant each statistic and/or trend is in regards to the 2016 season. This article focuses on pitchers only, and the stats that will be highlighted range from the basic (strikeouts, win-loss record, innings pitched, ERA, WHIP) to the slightly more advanced (K/BB ratio, LOB%, batted ball profile, SwStr%).

Let’s get to it. Here are some interesting pitcher stats and trends to consider entering the 2016 fantasy baseball season:

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I hope I didn’t scare all of Razzball away last week when I took shots at Grey’s rankings. A long beautiful relationship could be in the near future for us. I CAN’T screw this up. Today, we’ll take a step back and look at one player I’m not enjoying as much as Grey. In this instance, Grey doesn’t love him too much either, I just have much lower expectations for this mystery man (if the title didn’t spoil it for you). There was a legal case where someone, we’ll call him/her Joshua, sued a dry cleaner for $60+ million because he claimed the pants he received were not his. I’ll repeat this for you: he goes and sues for what he believes was an improper exchange of pants. WHO THE **** DOES THAT? He later decided, oh, $53 million would do if you want to settle. I mean, come on dude, how big of a A-hole do you have to be do this to someone, let alone for a pair of pants? So the judge in this case decided this man is spewing venom, trying to take advantage of the owners and quickly ruled in opposition of Joshua and charged him to pay the legal fees of the defendants. Want to hear something funny? Joshua couldn’t even prove that the pants they gave him were not his. You see Joshua here? Don’t be like Joshua.

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If it’s sexy to talk about Miguel Sano, and it is, then there’s one way to make it unsexy like Ruffles you find in your butt crack the next day and become the lone dissenting voice in the sea of fantasy baseball ‘perts.  That is coming out against drafting him.  I feel like the guy that opts for sorbet at the ice cream place because dairy upsets his tummy, then holds up the line asking why they don’t make any dairy-free flavors using coconut milk.  I’m that guy!  I wouldn’t be surprised if saying Miguel Sano is overrated gets me stoned, and not the good stoned like Coco Crisp looks before every game.  It is a really unpopular opinion.  I can understand it.  Sano hits bombs.  Like unprecedented, roof-shattering bombs.  His bombs are adjective-inducing and his strikeouts are agita-inducing.  Which one will win out?  That’s all this post comes down to.  Here’s what I said in the top 5 Designated Hitters, “For each blurb, I zero in one stat.  Sometimes I balloon out to other stats if it’s needed.  For Sano, I went straight to his 35.5% strikeout percentage.  Since 2000, only one player had a 35.5% or higher strikeout percentage over a full season, Chris Carter in 2013 who hit .223 that year.  Sesame Street breakdown:  When you’re striking out more than a third of the time, you can’t hit for a good average.  This was brought to you by the letter K.  Last year, Sano hit .269.  Do you know how Sano hit for such a high average?  He had a .396 BABIP.  For those that don’t understand or care to know BABIP, I’ll make it simple.  Everything Sano hit last year found a hole or a bleacher seat.  A high BABIP either means a hitter was lucky, they’re fast or hit the ball hard.  Sano is not fast, he was lucky and hit the ball hard.  Since he hits the ball so hard, he could have a higher than average BABIP, but .396 isn’t higher than average, it’s obscene.  He could’ve easily hit .190 last year.  No one seems to be talking about this.  I Googled “Sano strikeout percentage” and found a Bleacher Report article titled, Miguel Sano is Great and Here’s a Slideshow to Prove It.  I then Googled “Miguel Sano” “Strikeout Percentage,” and I found two articles and one was written by me in 2014.  Not even joking.  Then, I opened up my search to “Sano strikeouts” and I found lots of results.  I don’t mention this because it’s my only Google history I can talk about.  I’m talking about it because no one else is.  Sano is a bad luck streak away from hitting .175 in the majors.  Sano connected with only 33.8% of pitches outside of the strike zone.  One player in the last 15 years has been that bad, Wily Mo Pena.  Last year, Melvin Upton connected with 41.2%.  Previously, Upton connected with 55.3% of pitches outside the zone in his career.  Sano makes Melvin Upton’s wild swing look like he studied under Charley Lau.  Sano isn’t just bad with pitches outside the strike zone.  He’s historically bad.  It took me five minutes to figure this out.  How long do you think it’s going to take major league pitchers and Sano never sees another strike?  Say Opening Day?  I’m not sure how Steamer is projecting Sano for a .255 average.  Sano hit .236 in Double-A!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Anyway, what can we expect from Miguel Sano for 2016 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Head-to-head points leagues are a completely different animal than roto leagues. A player’s value in one format does not translate to the other. He (or she) that uses roto rankings at a H2H points league draft is like the jackass that brings a knife to a gunfight when he knows he’s headed to a gunfight. A prime example would be Chris Davis who is much more valuable in roto leagues than he is in points leagues. To further complicate the matter, all points leagues are not created equal. Not even close. Nearly all leagues have their own version of some “standard” scoring system. Perhaps one league awards two points for a stolen base and another gives just one. That subtle difference boosts the value of a base stealer in the two-point stolen base league resulting in a different set of rankings. Jose Altuve becomes more valuable than both Albert Pujols and Andrew McCutchen (based on 2015 stats). Knowing your system is essential to navigating a draft or auction.

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So here we are, the final Minor League Preview of the offseason, and just in time for pitchers and catchers. It’s been a long grueling road that spanned four months, two writers, and countless late nights, study, and pizza rolls. Only punk rock pizza rolls, none of that commercial shizz! All of this has led us to today, and your payoff….THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!!! Okay, so it’s not that exciting, unless you like far away hitting specs, and loads of floorbored material arms. As far as I know the Cards Floorboreds do not cause cancer, but the same can’t be said about the Angels. As for the St. Louie’ system, they’ve certainly churned out their share of high end talent over the years, and 2015 was no different. As the Redbirds graduated two top half of the order type bats in Randal Grichuk and Stephen Piscotty. I still can’t help but think that 2015 should have been the year of Oscar Taveres. My prospector eyes still weep for Oscar. Regardless, there’s still plenty to be aware of in the higher and lower levels, and a couple of beachy specs too! No not Brandon Beachy, because then their arms would be falling off. The Cards leave that to the northern most birds, the Blue Jays. Ha! Prospector humor kills me!! Let’s take a look at the St. Louis Cardinals Prospects, shall we?

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How many Pollocks does it take to hit 20 homers, steal 39 bases and bat .315?  200 billion Pollocks.  One, A.J. Pollock, to hit, and 199,999,999,999 Pollocks to run real fast to make the earth spin.  Pollock’s year in fifteen-after-twenty couldn’t have went any better.  On our Player Rater, he was the 2nd best outfielder behind Bryce Harper and in front of Mike Trout.  Yes, that Mike Trout.  The fish oiliest of them all.  If you owned Pollock last year, you are a Serbian who purchased a Polish person at a flea market or you are a fantasy baseballer that enjoyed one of the best seasons of recent memory.  Either way, you’d be more than happy with the Pollock’s output.  Value-wise, things couldn’t have been much better.  When I called him a sleeper last year, I foresaw great things, but even I couldn’t have imagined greatness that hadn’t been achieved by a Pollock since Ivan Putski.  That’s why it’s real sucky that we’re not all drafting for 2015 again.  Think of the advantage we’d have knowing what players would do!  (Sadly, if we got together today and drafted a 12-team league for last year, eleven of us would still lose.  Talk about depressing.  Even more depressing, all twelve people drafting would think they’d win easily.)  This is one of the biggest mistakes people make each year.  Forget Aaron Hicks or Adam Eaton, let’s all draft guys that were good last year.  I mean, how wrong can we go with that?  Honestly, you won’t go that wrong, but you won’t go that right either.  It’s a good way to find yourself right to the middle of your league with Malcolm and Monie Love.  Anyway, what can we expect from A.J. Pollock for 2016 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

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We’re back for more with The Razzball Baseball Pod, and on today’s show we introduce the world to Grey’s true love. No, not Cougars, but close! We then dive into Grey’s OF ranks, where we hotly debate the difference between teammates Andrew McCutchen and Starling Marte, Grey’s hatred of A.J. Pollock, and an absolute love for Gregory Polanco. So many Pirates in the outfield! We also go through a few sleepers we like, then talk closers and strategy for building your bullpen. Here’s our latest edition of the Razzball Baseball Podcast:

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Welcome to another season of the Razzball Commenter Leagues! After typing that, I now know why we abbreviate that shiitake mushroom into R-C-L. I’m out of breath and burned 89 calories just from typing that out, and that doesn’t even include trying to figure why I always used to spell it ‘commentator’. Apparently, I added more vowels than I needed.  First world writer problems. Anyhow, let’s get to your first question. No, I’m not J-FOH. He’ll be around during the season doing different things to different people. It’ll be legal. I think. And no, I’m not even VinWins, who has been known to chime in from time to time and provide us with a whole bunch of numbers because math is hard. Heck, I’m not even VinLoses, who, interesting story, is actually the cousin of Vin’s mother’s brother’s second cousin’s friend of a friend. TOO INTERESTING. And heck, just to add one more into the mix, I’m not even Matt Truss, who’ll be taking the RCL reins after you and I have had our time together. And what a time it’ll be! (This may not be 100% accurate.) Regardless, I’m Jay, and I’m here to help launch the most important fantasy story out there this season, and that is the story of YOUR 2016 Razzball Commenter League…

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I have no idea if anyone at ESPN actually ranks people.  There’s talk of it.  Like, “Yo, Clara Bell, you do your rankings yet?”  Then Cockcroft makes farting noises with his armpit.  However, all I ever see is consensus rankings.  I have to figure out how to do this “consensus” thing.  Talk about a nice way to avoid taking any blame for anything.  “Hey, man, sorry about Andrew McCutchen being ranked so high this year, but these are ‘consensus’ rankings.”  Let’s turn to a conversation between two random fantasy baseballers.  “Cockcroft has said he doesn’t like Cano this year.”  “But ESPN has him 36th overall.”  “Yeah, doesn’t apply when talking about Cockcroft.”  “So, when does it apply?”  “No idea.” Then heads explode.  Consensus rankings are done by committee.  Only thing ever done better by committee is jerk seasoning.  Now, while you might think ESPN’s rankings have a ton of jerk seasoning, they are just an indecipherable mess.  But why bring up all of this when I’m about to take a blowtorch to Yahoo’s 2016 fantasy baseball rankings?  Thanks for asking, clunky expositional question!  Yahoo has consensus rankings, but they also show their work.  Each ‘pert is accounted for in their rankings.  This is already much better than ESPN.  You can at least see what Pianowski, Funston, Behrens and Triple D are thinking individually.  This, of course, doesn’t mean I agree with all of their rankings, but at least I can point to how they came to their consensus.  Anyway, here’s where my 2016 fantasy baseball rankings differ from the 2016 Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings:

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Once, long ago, magic flowed through my brain, producing works of literary phenomena on my trusted and secure Mac Book Pro. These fingers worked more proficiently than Amber Rose’s as she brought Kanye West to orgasm through thorough butt-stuff. It’s been said I was the Vivaldi of fantasy sports writing, so what, you might ask yourself, caused me pull a Nicolas Cage and go from Oscar winner to Oscar Pistorious? Was it the drugs? I suppose that could have played a small role. Was it because my star has yet to rise amongst this plethora of d*ck-limping writers out in the fantasy sports universe? It gets to me, I cannot lie to you my goodmen (and women). But that never stopped me before… hmmmmm, what could it be? What else, but a woman! She told me I “sucked the soul out her butt”, but somehow I was the one who ended up empty and lifeless. What could I do but grovel on the jagged and frigid flooring of the cell she would lock me in at night after pleasuring her? Her juices were literally the only nutrients supplied to my once ripped body. Crippled and weak, I managed to escape one night while she was catching a Friends marathon on Netflix, breaking, nay, slithering out a fourth story window, where I began free-falling to what I believed to be my certain death, only to fall in the back of truck filled with black market Cialis packages. I snorted one, and immediately gained the strength to return to Beddict manor in order to regain my strength. Still, I lacked the motivation to write……

Oh wise and powerful Elder Gods, I am on my knees, begging you to remove these chains of bondage from all my appendages, for I am lost and the goodmen of Razzball desire the old Beddict. I’m no longer entertaining, creative, insanely handsome (okay, that’s a lie), or knowledgeable about fantasy sports. Wait! Hold on, I feel something! Even now, as I type these very words, I can feel the Elder blood beginning to pulsate within my veins, bubbling like Mt. Vesuvius, moments before it’s eruption! F*ck this, 2016 is mine, and I dare any mortal to step in my path!

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! TAKE HEED!

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