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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

5. Stacy’s Mom
4. Maggie May
3. Hot for Teacher
2. Mrs. Robinson
1. Me and Mrs. Nolan Jones

Runners-up: Me and Mrs. Christian Yelich, Me and Mrs. Alek Manoah, and Me and Mrs. Mike Napoli. That’s not in no particular order. That is the order. Know it, learn it, love it, all the greatest songs on Cougar Love on your dial–Sorry, I heard they were starting a new Sirius channel for Cougar songs, and I was writing up my audition script to be their deejay. The older they get, the same age I stay. Any hoo! The Guardians called up Nolan Jones this past week, and he’s got huge power, a handful of speed and possibly can’t make contact. Here’s what Itch has said about him, “Lanky corner bat whose value is driven by proximity and patience. I’ve always been down on Jones, comparatively, because I’m not sure he’s aggressive enough within the strike zone to hang against guys who just don’t give you much to hit and aren’t going to walk you if you’re not going to swing. His numbers have always been padded by poor command at the lower levels, and he’ll simply need to adjust, which he started to do after a slow start in AAA. He finished with a functional .238/.356/.431 slash line along with 13 HR and 10 SB in 99 games, which isn’t great but would be an improvement on Cleveland’s outfield production over the past few years. Speaking of slashes, put me in the same room as Grey, please.” Okay, scary. I’d grab Jones for some possible power to see if he gets some run in the Cleveland outfield. Maybe me and Mr. Nolan Jones, Mr. Nolan Jones, Mr. Nolan Jones, can get a thing going on. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ryan Jeffers – As soon as the season starts, we wait for the groundhog. If it sees its shadow, it means Mitch Garver will play six more weeks. No shadow this year, so he’s gone, and Jonah Heim is the starter. Why talk about Heim and not Jeffers? Because Heim is technically rostered in more than 50% of leagues so not listed here, but I don’t believe that and he’s having a great year, and now is full-time. Jeffers is just a hot bat.

Carlos Santana – “You know how they say a butterfly flaps its wings in Kansas and starts a tsunami in Indonesia? Could the singer, Carlos Santana, collapsing on stage been the extra energy boost the Mariners’ Carlos Santana needed?” That’s me talking to my fortune teller. There’s no length too far to get you info!

Jose Miranda – This Buy column is a bit lighter than usual because the break means we’re not going to have a ton of hitters to exploit before we’re without games for a few days. Then next Friday, I’ll have another Buy.

Matt Carpenter – Since Carpenter’s been on the Yanks, he’s been nails. High five me! No? Fair enough. Too bad Lenny Dykstra’s got the Nails nickname on lock…Hey, wait a minute, Carpenter is On Lock? Nah, that’s more Josh Smith, the Lock Smith.

Ramon Urias – You know you want to Ram-Urias–*you start pushing your butt against a doorknob*–NO! Let me finish! You know you want to Ram-Urias to cover for your missing Wander. Geez.

Aledmys Diaz – I didn’t list Aledmys previous weeks, because his playing time meant Captain Woo Cubano was on the IL, and I didn’t want that for Yordan. I still don’t, but here we are. Sigh.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – *pulls out sword, shaves gyro meat from spit into metal meat shovel* “You see these gyro shavings? This is what you get from the Israel Diner-Falafel. No tahini, because he’s no longer on the Rangers, and that’s where Semien is.” That’s Nick Castellanos’s mom running her diner. Looking for one of the hottest bats in baseball? IDF has been, but so have a lot of guys in this post.

Josh H. Smith – Here’s what I said about him previously, “According to the player pages for Josh Smith — multiple — he’s the white man version of Luis Garcia. Hey, white folks with the last name Smith, stop naming your kids, Josh. Was there a sale on Josh Smiths? Wait, that’s another Rangers prospect, Josh Sale! Rangers handshake emoji with anyone named Josh. So, the Rangers finally called up their 3rd base prospect. Wait, that’s Josh Jung! Josh H. Christ. Wait, I mean, Josh H. Smith (the H is for honkey) is a five-category guy who is very low on all categories. His totals in the minors in 155 games was 20/40/.299, but that’s fairly deceiving, or unfairly, as the case may be. He could hit 5/10/.270 the rest of the way from the leadoff spot, which is valuable for deep leagues, and a hold for now in shallower. Maybe that’s what the H stands for.” And that’s me quoting me!

Esteury Ruiz – Already gave you my Esteury Ruiz fantasy. It was typed up on a Smith-Corona, which is Josh H. Smith if he hyphenates his wife’s name.

Bryson Stott – As Coolwhip called him, Bryson Hott. Indeed.

Leody Taveras – Was gonna make a joke that it’s the 2019 sleeper, Leody, but then I googled myself and found I wrote that in 2021. *dodges tomato* Seems someone remembers.

Aaron Hicks – Thinking about the guy who rosters Carpenter, Israel Diner-Falafel and Hicks and the amount of Fahrenheit cologne he wears and the arguments he gets in with his mom for not making the meatballs with 33% pork anymore because she says his cholesterol is out of control.

Austin Slater – Looks like a poor man’s Michael Harris II. Call him The Prequel.

Akil Baddoo – Just gave you my Akil Baddoo fantasy. It had the makings of a quality post, but went to crap after 5 2/3 paragraphs.

Gavin Sheets – “Well, I know you couldn’t give two Sheets.” You bargaining in a fantasy trade with someone who has Gavin, not because you want Gavin, but because it was making you giggle.

Cal Quantrill – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its local bike shop.

Jake Odorizzi – This is also a Streamonator call. “Do you have any bikes not made of metal? I feel bad riding ‘my people.'”

Yerry De Los Santos – With the break coming up, it’s a good time to give you a bunch of guys who could become closers if the guys in front of them are traded. Will De Los Santos Yerry Across the Mersey to SAGNOF? Yes, possibly.

Kyle Finnegan – “I saw you, and him…Walking without the Rainey.” That’s Oran “Juice” Jones renaming his fantasy team. Don’t think Finnegan’s great, but neither are the Nats, so that’s a perfect fit.

Luis Garcia – Taylor Rogers has to get replaced at some point by either a trade or just by another reliever. No way do the Padres get this close to a legit playoff contender, then screw the ol’ pooch because of some kind of allegiance to Rogers.

Felix Bautista – Orioles’ current closer J. Lo is under contract for a while, but if the O’s can get anything in a trade for their closer, I bet they do it. For what it’s Cronenworth, Bautista has been great even if not getting saves.

Brett Martin – Suddenly, this schmohawk is Mariano Rivera. Signed, a bitter Joe Barlow owner.

Zach Jackson – Beane will trade Trivino for a bag of rocks.

SELL

Ke’Bryan Hayes – What’s this guy do? Seriously, because I’ve been watching him for about 24 months now and I’m super drowsy. Am I watching a baseball player or counting sheep? I have counting stats categories, but not counting sheep. Going back into his Triple-A numbers from 2019, and: Were we just excited about him because the Pirates actually promoted a very young bat, and we thought that meant he must be good? Pirates developing anyone is a reason to be suspicious, not excited. Oneil Cruz is good, in spite of the Pirates. Hayes looked like a 12/12/.270 hitter in Triple-A, and guess what he’s become? I wouldn’t trade him for the winning bid in a celebrity nail clipping auction, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.