Nick Williams was a popular preseason breakout target. Or tar-jay, if a soccer mom is reading. Targot, if you just returned from Target. Targo, if you’re eating escargot after going to Target. Tarshouldget, if Target doesn’t carry your size. Tarheel, if you stepped into tar then into Target. Tarnishes, obviously means your Target carries knishes, so you must be in Brooklyn, and it’s ironic. Tarte tatin, you’re wearing a hat made of slow roasted apples on your head in a Target. Whatever Target applies, wanna know why Williams was a popular preseason pick? C’mon, sit on my lap and I’ll tell ya. Metaphorically! Get off my lap, you weirdo! *sprays Lysol on legs* Really wish you didn’t touch my legs. So, Nick Williams had 15 HRs, 5 SBs and a .280 average in his last year of Triple-A, in only 78 games (!). He’s still only 24 years old. I know, he failed to live up to hype last year. OR DID HE?! Ooh, you heard of reversible umbrellas? That was a reversal question. Not similar at all. He only played in 83 games last year, a sloppy prorater would say he could’ve had 24 homers last year and hit .288. Maybe he doesn’t fully break out until next year (yes, he will be a sleeper), but he’s been hot in the last week, and on pace for another 24-homer season and has lowered his Ks. Plus, you don’t need to go to Target to buy him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Austin Hedges – Nothing tastes as good as a catcher you can grab off waivers that can hit 15+ homers in half of a season. Hedges isn’t that guy. That’s Gary Sanchez if he was dropped in your league for some unknown reason. Ishy Hedges hits 8 HR, .208 and is hurt at least three times. Ishy, which means ‘maybe’ in my language, Greyglish, which doesn’t mean Grey-g-maybe. Ish and ishy are two separate words! Ugh, why do you make Greyglish so confusing?
Niko Goodrum – Bacardi and pineapple juice and ice and, yo, Niko Daqs!
Wilmer Flores – *sniffs* “I’m so happy I could cry.” That’s Wilmer finishing his third viewing of his favorite long distance commercial.
Rougned Odor – We’ve had some great times together over the last few weeks and I’m glad we got back together. *sees Odor backing up a U-Haul with his belongings to my fantasy team* Um, can we take this a little slower?
Kolten Wong – For those reading this fast, I drank too much Goodrum, went in the Hedges, and now I’m crying over my odorous Wong. That’s almost as memorable as HOMES for the Great Lakes.
Maikel Franco – Between Maikel and Wong, they are the two of the hottest players in all of baseball, and may not be hot still when we exit the All-Star break, but the future is not promised to anyone, especially not Robbie Ray if he keeps taking dookies on my fantasy team. Stop your dookie taking, Robbie Ray! But, Maikel, right, yes, he’s been hot.
J.T. Riddle – Leave it to the Marlins to have two Jerry Tomatoes. Yo, Marlins, you shop for players at a farmer’s market? Why not trade for Just Apricot Happ or Garrett Richards who just pluot his arm?
Kyle Tucker – Bit surprised to see Tucker hanging around on waivers this long, and I know there’s no real reason. People are A) Lazy B) Moved onto fantasy football already C) There’s no C. But if I had to guess a logical reason, it’s because Tucker gives a little bit of everything vs. a lot of power or speed, so he might not take over the world in less than a few months.
Josh Reddick – Okay, for those reading fast, I drank too much Goodrum, went into those Hedges Wong-first, so what’s that? Reddick!
Jesse Winker – If anyone has read anything about the way Riggleman keeps subbing out Winker late in games like he’s some kind of juvenile, please alert me, I’d like to read it. Any hoo! Winker is hitting close to .450 in the last week, and has been great going back about a month.
Stephen Piscotty – Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! That he was almost this week’s lede, but about halfway through the first sentence I thought about how many times I wrote Piscotty doesn’t know! as a lede Buy and decided to put some shine on a new guy.
Steven Souza – There’s some pickups of the “these guys are hot right now” variety and others of the “he’s talented but hasn’t done crap recently” variety. Can you guess which Souza is? I’ll give you a hint, he hasn’t done crap this year.
Will Smith – Nice thing that’s happened a few times this year with SAGNOF. Managers didn’t just go with the 8th inning man when someone better was lurking in the bullpen. Rondon, Smith, and Dominguez from this post alone are examples.
Hector Rondon – With Giles sent down, Rondon should be the primary closer–Joking, in that not funny joking way. Rondon’s been the closer. I don’t know why you owned Giles for the last six weeks, but I’ve been writing Rondon is the closer for about that long.
Victor Arano – Besides Arano, also getting saves in Philly, might be their actual closer, Seranthony Dominguez. Why doesn’t Kapler keep this simple? Visual Metaphor Alert! The Philly bullpen is a giant tub of sugar water. Gabe Kapler is a hummingbird. You can’t see Kapler’s arms flapping towards the bullpen because they are moving so fast.
Shane Greene – Supposed to return today from the DL. Not to repeat myself — hot schmotato, never draft a top catcher or starter, and that’s me quoting me! — but why are the Tigers not letting Greene rest for an extra three days, then the All-Star break?
Lance McCullers – I’m so screwed. I know, you don’t care about me, but I do, jerk! And I own McCullers in a few leagues where I really need a huge 2nd half, but, sigh, his track record of full seasons is like this…*looks out a window streaked with rain at passing cars* That’s forlorn, snitches! Okay, want something more relatable? Your mom just returned from the supermarket, and she screams down to the basement, “They didn’t have Cool Ranch Doritos!” Do you understand what I am saying? We’re screwed! All right, maybe not. His peripherals are still good, but I’m worried his innings will catch up to him. I’d look at the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer for possible trades with him. I would not sell him for the services of a criminal attorney who writes everything on the back of CVS receipts.