Over the passed six months I have been imprisoned, suspended in static animation in the maximum security Galactic Fantasy Federation facility, falsely accused of recommending buys I would never endorse and urging people to sell players that I actually hold very dear. A couple lucky shots from a make-shift ion blaster I was able to telepathically build in space incarceration using spare pieces from my Mark VII Quantum E-Meter and I have escaped at last. I am writing this through a secure, untraceable VPN so I can provide you loyal readers with the fantasy information you’ve come to expect from me, even if its information so sensitive and secret that the Galactic Fantasy Federation would do anything to stop me from sharing it. I have time for a quick Friday recap before the space dogs come sniffing around my hiding hole again. And I do mean quick–just eight games on a Friday!? Y tho? Regardless, one of the few games played featured the Pirates of Pittsburgh’s plundering of the poor Cincinnati Red Legs. Unlike Sea of Thieves, this Pirates game actually featured a lot of action. The Bucs scored 14 runs on 15 hits, lead by 25-year-old third baseman Colin Moran who collected four hits, scoring three runs and driving in three. I wrote about Moran last July but that may have been a bit premature. So many super prospects in Houston, it’s hard to stand out. In Pittsburgh, almost every prospect they’ve had over the past five years has been disappointing so the bar is much lower for Colin to excel. The youngster is slashing .318/.348/.545 through five games started with a homer and 8 RBI, but it’s that sexy .893 OPS that makes me raise my eyebrow, Dwayne Johnson! It’s still early, but Colin should have plenty of opportunity to show what he’s got in the surprisingly exciting Bucs line up. Buy Moran, don’t be moronic! I think he’s worth a flier in all leagues, but don’t tell the Galactic Federation I told you that! Moran is Colin you to pick him up!
Here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, run, 3 RBI, SB (2). I gotta give props when props is due. I would not own Marte if not for Razzball, who ranked him about three rounds earlier than almost all the other “experts.” After serving a 80 game suspension last season he’s back and primed to prove himself. Just keep doubting him. It only makes him stronger. That and PEDs for elevated testosterone.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI, SB (1). The Bucs didn’t stop there! Jordy Mercer and Corey Dickerson had three hits a piece and Gregory Polanco and Josh Bell continued to get on base. Harrison is another great candidate for a bounce back just like Marte, except without the drugs.
Luis Castillo – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 4 ER, 3 BB, 3 K. Consider this your buy low opportunity?
Jesse Winker– 3-for-5. Winker? I hardly know her!
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-5, HR (2). Ozzie Man Does! Boy, nothing gets me hyped for beisbol like quoting some of my favorite Shakespearean sonnets, you feel me, bro!? Ozzie’s hitting just .206 but five of his seven hits have been of the extra base variety. *Fantasy pro tip* that’s the good kind!
Dansby Swanson – 3-for-5, run, 3 RBI. Last night’s Swanson TV Dinners cooked up three ribbies! Mmm, delicious counting stats. Dansby’s slashing .370/.370/.556 with all the upside. Grey told you to BUY and I’m obviously all in on Swanson. Dans be good like that.
Brandon McCarthy – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 4 K. Considering this start was at Coors I think B-Mac got out of it relatively unscathed. Not loving his next start vs. Washington but I’ll be watching him closer than a Chainsmokers/Halsey collab. From the backseat of your Rover, we’re in Denver not in Bolder, are you sure it’s not your shoulder, just a pitcher getting older.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, HR, 2 RBI. There’s no place like home, especially if you play in Colorado. I could see CarGo being a nice own this year if he can stay healthy. LOL. Trevor Story, on the other hand, 1-for-4, HR (1), I want no part of. Sorry Trev.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4, 2 RBI. Brantley always seems to provide solid value and stats all around when he’s not injured or resting from being injured. Which to be fair, is like, 40 games a year.
Luis Perdoma – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 1st win. I think Luis Perdoma and Jose Pirela, 3-for-5, 2 RBI, might actually be the same person. That’s right, folks. On their own, they might not be the most exciting players to own, but together they are twice as boring and snorrendous.
Brad Hand – 1.0 IP, BB, 2 K, SV (2). After blowing the save last week and picking up the loss on Thursday, Brad collected his second save Friday night. Welp. Padres fans, aren’t you glad ninth inning duties are in such save Hand(s). Zing! I will see myself out.
Josh Hader– 2.0 IP, ER, BB, 3 K. So Hader seems to be the Brewers’ new Andrew Miller-type, and Jeremy Jeffress, 1.1 IP 2 hits, ER, K, still seems shaky. Matt Albers pitched 2.0 IP with a hit, 2 Ks and got the win, meaning Jacob Barnes is most likely Milwaukee’s closer? At least I think that’s what all this means. He was a BUY, click the blue text thingy to see for yourself!
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-or-5, HR (3), 2 RBI. Choo on that! His third straight game with a home run. Yes, you should probably add him before he falls back to Earth, gets injured or gets injured falling back to earth. This is some big league Choo right now.
Russell Martin – 3-for-4, HR (2), 3 RBI. Raise your hand if you hate this line up! *Raises hand, waitress approaches table, awkwardly explains I don’t need anything and I’m just a very animated blogger* Martin is 0ld, like most of the hitters on the BJays, luckily, they have the two top hitting prospects in beisbol crushn in the minors. There is hope for Canada!
Marco Estrada – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 7 K, W. Estrada was sneaky good last year. Or was it the year before? Oh, I don’t know. He was sneaky good one year. Someone hire me an intern to research this.
Matt Moore – 3.1 IP, 5 ER, 4 BB. More like Matt No Moore. Please Matt. No more.
Kevin Gausman – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 3 K. I don’t know what surprises me more, that I own Kevin Gausman or that I actually started him at Yankee stadium yesterday. Either way, I think I’ve got it out of my system now and ready to drop and move on.
CC Sabathia – Left the game with hip soreness. Funny. You know who has bad hips? My grandparents.
Manny Machado -4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 HR (2), 2 RBI. About time! Was just about to drop him, too.
Gary Sanchez – Left the game in the 14th inning with calf cramps. Probably had nothing to do with him squatting behind the plate for five hours. There is a Stormy Daniels joke here that I’m not smart enough to make. I don’t do politics!
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, HR (3). The Notorious D.I.D.I. hit the game-tying homer in the eighth inning, commenting on his performance post game “It was all a dream!” He then proceeded to throw his hands in the air, like he’s a true player. And if you don’t know, now you know.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, HR (2), 3 RBI. It’s funny how batting behind my amazing hubby Mike Trout can do wonders for your career. Mike can expect his edible arrangement from the Upton family any day now.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. He’s hit safely in all eight games this year as he bats .412. I just ripped the fatttttttttttest vape cloud before telling you to buy Andrelton. And yes, you read that correctly five girls readers. I vape now. ;)
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. It’s the perfect storm, you guys. Not only is he a hard-throwing rookie pitcher (my kryptonite!), but doode MASHES home runs on his off days. Omg. I am so in love right now I can’t even. And it’s not just because of his proximity to Michael either. I commissioned Cuba Gooding, Jr., aka Rod Tidwell, aka O.J. to help with this blurb. Are you ready, Jerry? Sho. Hei. Oh. Tani. Say it with me, Jerry! “SHO-HEI OHTANNNNI!!!!”
Keynan Middleton – 1.0 IP, hit. Grey told you to BUY and I’m pretty sure he’s your Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim closer now. Don’t let Shohei’s mesmerizing swing and intimidating, godlike presence distract you. He is only one man after all. He hits, he starts, but he can’t close games, too. Or can he!? Sciosciapath, I think we might have something here!
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-5, HR (1). Matt Joyce, Marcus Semien, Matt Chapman, Matt Olson also homered. Sweet sassy molassy! All the homers! All the Matts! You get a homer and you get a homer and you get a homer! EVERYBODY GETS A HOME RUN! I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE! LOUDER, JERRY! SHO-HEEEI OHHHHHTANNNNII!!!!!!
Parker Bridwell – 1.2 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 3 HR. My real life human non-internet “friend” asked me for some spot-starters for Friday and I recommended Sabathia (who exited the game early with old age), and Bridwell who looked like he was auditioning to pitch in the home run derby this summer. Good to see I’m in mid-season form. Yessir, it’s great to be back!
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!