There’s no direct evidence that the more handsome a pitcher the more he’s going to screw you over — that we know of. We just haven’t studied it yet! Someone take a ruler and measure the distance between the eyes on Michael Kopech (4 2/3 IP, 7 ER). Now measure the inches on his curve break. Do they match? The golden ratio that is his cheekbones, is that equal to his current 13.50 ERA? This is not eugenics, because we’re doing it for fantasy baseball purposes and not fantasy exterminations. Wonder if Kopech was tipping his pitches, because, while I don’t have a ton of faith in him, that was even bad for the pretty boy. First up, Joc Pederson (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer. Buckle up! Joc is the type to hit 24 homers in five games, then nothing for three months. Then Mike Yastrzemski (2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. said make the 1st one animal style! Next up, Michael Conforto (2-for-6) hit his 1st homer. More incredibly, Conforto still hasn’t injured himself. Then Thairo Estrada (2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (2). That’s Thairo Estrada sleeper to you. Hopefully, he’s fine, because he left the game after taking a foul off his leg. Finally, David Villar (2-for-4, 5 RBIs) hit his 1st and 2nd homer, and this sucks. I really need Casey Schmitt to replace this schmohawk. C’mon, Villar ill will, do your job! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, then entering was Sean Manaea (2 IP, 3 ER). Interesting that we’re seeing Manaea follow DeSclafani. That really kills his value and Manaea might be the first Samoan ever to piggyback.

Liam Hendriks – Starting his last round of chemo. Should’ve got myself in a league with someone from Sloan Kettering to see if they stashed Liam on their fantasy team.

Luis Robert – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. See what I say below for Freddy Peralta. If you just went down and read the part in the Peralta blurb, where it said come up here, you don’t have to keep going in a loop back and forth.

Max Kepler – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Joey Gallo (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. The end of the shift is doing wonders for these guys!

Trevor Larnach – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hitting cleanup every game, hitting well and has 70-grade power. Still, hear nothing positive about him from anywhere else.

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Streamonator doesn’t love T. Mahle’s next. If only the Rays had someone named En. Chilada so he’d be from TB.

Johnny Cueto – 1 IP, 4 ER. Good news is he’s prolly still hurt from the spring. Bad news is the good news is he’s prolly still hurt.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks. Rays’ pitching staff is the 1998 Braves, if they had a few more Madduxes.

Luke Raley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. I still think we should do a league where if you draft one player with one last name, you should get everyone with that last name. Signed, A Person Who Rosters Brooks Raley. For what it’s Cronenworth, L. Raley might be a hot schmotato.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Monocle activated, Cyclops engaged!

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. It’s telling that I see Jeimer hit a home run (a good thing) and all I can think is how sad that Nats’ lineup is for him to be hitting third.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. And you told me he retired! Joke’s on you, Jack (hit by Cody)!

Jason Vosler – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Oh my God, we have our first…Hot schmotato alert!

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. HR to the Izzo!

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (3). Overreaction Alert! Gleyber’s going to have a career year and be a top 20 guy overall.

Kutter Crawford – 4 IP, 7 ER. Kutter should aim for one of his veins.

Triston Casas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was a bit bummed I didn’t get any of this guy this year, which makes sense. Without Casas, you are bummed.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s so consistent, if he had a steal every 8-point-5 games, he’d be Kyle Tucker.

Masataka Yoshida – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Wasn’t just that he hit a home run. Dude blasted it over the monster like it was nothing! Oh, we got a big year incoming for this guy.

Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Okay, okay, OKAY! Pirates will tack on a free night at a Ramada Inn, but contract’s gotta close now!

Jason Delay – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Delay is why the Pirates haven’t called up Endy Rodriguez. Little on the nose if you ask me.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Boba, I love you!

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Allow our Bullpen Chart writer, JKJ:

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. If you’re just joining us, Brady Singer sleeper.

MJ Melendez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he hits leadoff, which is very funny. But, what do I know, I’d put Pasquantino/Eaton up there just so I can say “Salami.”

Kyle Bradish – Took a 104 MPH rocket off his leg, and I blame the pitch clock. Why? Cause. First tests said he’s okay, but they will do further. Hopefully he’s okay, but out 6-8 weeks so Grayson can be promoted.

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Guess he’s not going to go 0-for-550. Hunh, who knew.

Jorge Mateo – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Hol’ up, is Mateo about to go 15/60 this year and become a young Jonathan Villar? Because I don’t think I can handle that.

Tyler Wells – 5 IP, 0 ER, zero baserunners, 2 Ks, and a Hold! Haha. C’mon! Fix your stupid win rules!

Jon Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Jon Gray left Coors and got marked Safe from blowups.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Au Shizz!

Lars Nootbaar – Out with a thumb contusion. Too bad, so sad. *puts elbow on table and rests chin on hand* So, about this Alex Burleson character? Tell me more. He went 20/4/.331 last year in Triple-A with a 14.3%(!) strikeout rate and the Cards have created a new player. No idea how long he’s a thing, but he could be a .280 hitter in the majors with power.

Jared Shuster – Optioned to Triple-A. Haha, the Braves are worse than all of you with the overreactions!

Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. 1st of 42, that means 41 more to go!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Tildaddy says to remove the popcorn from the microwave!

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s a good sign. Dot dot dot. To sell high! Okay, kidding a bit there, but I’m not completely assuaged by one game.

Jace Peterson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Jace should be out of baseball. Wait, he is, he plays for the A’s.

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. That’s a guy who wasn’t really on my radar, but weirder things could happen than seeing him bounce back. I said “weirder” like I was a young Travolta.

Seth Brown – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Welp, I drafted him based on your sleeper post, but I had to drop him when he hadn’t done anything in three games.”

Zach Plesac – 1 IP, 6 ER. Aw, that’s sweet. Plesac didn’t want Kutter to be the worst two-start pitcher this week.

Josh Naylor – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Naylor? I didn’t even know her name!

Hunter Brown – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Wonder if his back is still bothering him. *pokes lower back* How now Hunter Brown?

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s homering for each person who said in the preseason to me, “Are you worried about Yordan’s hand?”

Riley Greene – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, At the very last second before the season started, I bought into Riley Greene. Yay me!

Matt Vierling – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A Vierling is a little Vier, and I’m an Intriguling.

Juan Soto – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper with some pop!

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he bats ninth. Damn, Eminem wouldn’t even bat him ninth over Grisham or Odor or Campusano.

Corbin Carroll – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. This guy is such a joy to roster. It is truly daft between the ears that he’s not hitting leadoff. Let’s see how long MTV’s The Challenge Torey Lovullo takes to figure it out. Maybe mid-April?

Scott McGough – 0 ER, 2 ER, ERA at 18.00 and the blown save. Oh, wow, a crappy closer acts crappy. Let Chafin close, which is also what I say to my jeans shorts.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Dodgers just have a giant wheel they spin before each game to see who’s going to hit well out of their ability.

Will Smith – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sticking with the early Johnson theme, it’s the star of Hancock!

Michael Grove – 4 IP, 3 ER. Cool, bring up Gavin Stone!

Darin Ruf – Was released by the Mets. *refreshes Mets’ transaction page repeatedly waiting for news of Brett Baty’s promotion*

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 5 ER. Welp, my first blowup. That’s the way the Cookie crumbles. Also, his velocity was way down, and I start to look elsewhere.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The problem with avoiding guys because you think they’ll break down at some point, and not because they have bad stuff, is that they make you look dumb until they actually break down. Now go back to the Luis Robert blurb. But only one time!

Brice Turang – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). I’m convinced early ADP does more damage than it’s worth. It gets calloused over like a wart, except it never falls off. Turang was going incredibly late because when a few people drafted back in November, they didn’t know any better. Then there was never any real adjustment to his ADP and he continued to go late. It never made any sense. He went 13/34/.286 in Triple-A last year at the age of 22. And that gets drafted at 400th overall? If he would’ve shocked the world in March by getting named to the Opening Day roster, he would’ve been going as early as 120 overall by the last week of drafts. Instead, he was always assumed an everyday playing job and people just ignored him. He’s that worse than Volpe? A rhetorical eye roll.

Brian Anderson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. From BA Brokeass to I Pity That Fool Pitcher, the life story of Brian Anderson.

Ty France – 1-for-5, 1 RBI and his 1st steal ever. It’s like the whole sport took amphetamines.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I ranked him so high. I should’ve ranked him even higher.

Reid Detmers – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks. Those Ks *makes kissy face* Me likey. The command? Needs work.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in back-to-back games. Rostering Ohtani is like having a bunch of holes in your house, and you have a glue gun that shoots out gold. And now I got a gold house.

Anthony Rendon – Suspended for four games for his altercation with the fan. Other teams should pay for that fan to sit right behind the dugout at every Angels game.