Before you accuse Jose Tabata of leaning into a pitch with two outs and Max Scherzer on the brink of a perfect game, let’s take you back to 2009. The then 19-year-old Jose Tabata was with his wife, the 54-year-old, Conchita Alonso Rivera Consuela Charlynn Torres, and she was pregnant. Conchita etc. would tell Jose to lean into her belly to hear the baby, and Jose leaned. At supermarkets, at carnivals, at the car wash, Conchita etc. asked Jose to lean and listen, and he did. Of course, there was no baby in her belly, it was actually a Betsy Wetsy doll that she shoved under her shirt. Later when Conchita etc. was arrested for falsifying a pregnancy and kidnapping a baby for Jose and her to raise as their own, they would meet at the glass partition in prison and she would tell Jose to lean in. Times were good, Jose leaned in. Times got rough, Jose leaned in. So, on Saturday, when the Pirates were one out from having a perfect game thrown against them, Jose did what he always did — he leaned in. After that no hitter, Max Scherzer has a 10.8 K/9, 1.2 BB/9 and a 1.76 ERA. So, yeah, he’s a top three starter, if not the best this year, and he is amazing. No kidding; hey, sorta like Tabata and his wife! (There is a lot more truth in this opening paragraph than you’d likely ever imagine. Just Google “Tabata wife” if you don’t believe me. Happy belabored Father’s Day, Tabata!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.41. This game was simply because you dropped him. Don’t look behind you, I mean you. Gio sends his thanks, and he hopes you pick him back up, so he can repay you with a 3 IP, 6 ER effort.
Yunel Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .331, which is the 4th best batting average in the NL. If you jumped out of a DeLorean in March and told me Yunel would be doing this, I’d say, “This is the crap info you bring from the future? What about stocks to buy? Teams to bet on? Information I can do anything with?”
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .345 with a .473 OBP. Trout, Giancarlo, Goldschmidt and Harper, that’s the top 4 next year, right? Is there anyone else even in discussion?
Charlie Morton – 2/3 IP, 9 ER. At Morton’s in DC, it was free filet mignon for all Nationals.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K in his first start of the season. Then was demoted on Sunday, because he foiled Showalter’s plan to make him look totally ridiculous. “Next time Gausman starts, he’ll give up seven runs and tear an arm tendon, or he won’t be seen again for a few more months.” That’s Showalter giving a press conference from his Lair of Stupidity.
Jimmy Paredes – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs, and his 8th homer, hitting .305. Seriously, WTFITCF. That’s ‘Where the fudge is this coming from?’ Acronyms work so much better when you don’t need to explain them.
Chris Davis – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 15th homer. Have I mentioned yet (multiple times) that Sky traded me Davis for Jeurys Familia just last week? And now Familia is injured (grab Bobby Parnell!). Aw, shucks. For Sky! Muahahahahahaha–*coughs* Damn, I got whooping cough like Arsenio.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and 3-for-4 on Saturday. I continue to claim ignorance on the Orioles outfield. Snider looks scrummy, but I have no idea if he’ll play every day.
Chris Tillman – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 6.22. See, the Mariners knew Tillman would be garbage (after being decent for three seasons).
Adam Jones – Sat out yesterday with his sore shoulder, but hopes to get back on the field on Tuesday. Please, Mr. Jones, I want someone to believe in.
Devon Travis – Alex Anthopoulos expects Travis to get activated midweek. Alex Anthopoulos continued, “Usually spraying Windex on an injury works a lot quicker.”
Brett Cecil – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Not only does he have next-to-no saves this year (5?!), but when he’s called on to do anything he’s effin’ awful. From now on, I’m going to use Cecil as an adjective for terrible. The milk you used for my coffee is curdled — damn, that’s Cecil. This guy tried to trade me Sonny Gray for Bryce — that’s so Cecil. The portable toilet at the Phish concert is so Cecil. If you haven’t already, I’d grab Roberto Osuna.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Is Strasburg returning yet or do I have to continue to stick needles into my eyeballs?
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Likely less has been made of this than it should’ve been, but, in Triple-A, Pillar had 10 HRs and 27 SBs with a .323 average last year. So, it’s not completely out of nowhere like that actor playing Titus Andromedon being brilliant.
Jon Lester – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.80. Since I told you to buy him, he’s allowed two runs in 13 1/3 IP. Maybe I am a witch.
Jake Arrieta – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.07. He’s been here and there with how he’s looked, but he’s actually pitching just as well as last year’s breakout. Let’s Arrieta it for the boy, let’s give Arrieta a hand.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .238. I’ve Ron Popeil’d Fowler on a lot of my teams, setting him and forgetting him, but he’s been way more forgettable than not.
Chris Coghlan – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.325 in the last week with a steal. Has really done that the entire month. Real light schmotato for average.
Trevor May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Solid start for a guy I like a bit more than I should. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start in Milwaukee, but maybe the SON doesn’t realize the Brewers haven’t had anything to be happy about since they received the edible arrangement from JB on Opening Day.
Tim Lincecum – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER. After the game, Lincecum told reporters, “Dude. Dude. Dude.”
Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.29. I’d go strictly with the Stream-o-Nator on Anderson, and it likes Anderson next time about as much as Colin Farrell likes Aspen.
Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-5, 3 runs and two homers, 9 and 10. Perhaps it’s irrational, but I get worried if a Dodger I own starts hitting too much Mattingly will bench him.
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .333. Not quite a hot schmotato, more like an out-of-his-mind schmotato. Turner had three homers in three games this weekend, and is hitting near-.400 in the last week. He’s owned in 14% of leagues, shouldn’t stay like that very long.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .284. It’s a twister, Auntie Em! No, Dorothy, it’s a Torenado.
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a hand sprain. He says it’s minor, which means he’ll only miss 60 days. Kidding. Kinda.
Nick Hundley – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Mean’s while, Wilin Rosario pinch-hit for the pitcher and caught up on Suzanne Somers’ autobiography on Audible.
Pablo Sandoval – Out with a sprained ankle. Not DL’d, just day-to-day as he’s done about 27 times in the first 11 weeks. Yo, bleb, is a mess, right? Cousin Fatsweat be getting hurt like every day with these diddly little injuries. Injuries and 95% cholesterol that’s “just in blebs.” On Saturday, Sandoval left the game after his leg buckled. I know, sounds bad, but if he could get that bowling ball with legs body off the field, it couldn’t have been that bad. He’ll still likely miss a few days. I kinda hate Cousin Fatsweat.
Brock Holt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. This likely says more about some of my teams, then Holt, but on some fantasy teams, I’d like to play him at 1B, 2B, 3B, SS and OF, simultaneously. Seriously, I wish I could have a whole team of Holts. Holt’r top to bottom. Holt, who goes there?! Holts!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. So, maybe you were a little hard on him when he stopped hitting for a few weeks.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .292. Incredibly or due to a deep complicated self-hatred, I will likely want Bogaerts again next year. I mean, he’s only 22 years old. Doode will break out at some point.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Don’t know why I thought of this, but, if baseball was still America’s national sport, Big Papi would be dating Nicki Minaj, and, if Joe DiMaggio were playing now, he’d be dating a reality TV star and apologizing for tweets.
Chris Young – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies hummed Donna Summer’s She Works Hard For The Money, while chopping down this tall drink of water.
Erasmo Ramirez – Left Saturday’s game with a strained groin. Right there? In front of everyone? Just walking around with a strained groin? Ew!
Alex Colome – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 4 Ks. This so sums up Colome. I streamed him in one weekly league because he had a good first start this past week (@home vs. Nats), then I figured I’d deal with the 2nd start on Sunday. In his first start vs. the Nats, he was rocked for six runs in two IP, then he does this yesterday, i.e. Colome, uncross your heart, I know don’t know what goes on inside, sometimes it’s over before it starts.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. This game came against the Rays, and he allowed a homer to Longoria. So, thanks and all for that, because Longoria has the power of a Desperate Housewife, but I have to say, right after I told you to buy Kluber, he looked amazing. In the last few, he’s been okay. Definitely pitching near the Klubic area, but not exactly manscaping the competition.
Cody Anderson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in his first major league start. Anderson was never a highly-touted prospect. He needs to hire Keith Law to walk behind him with a megaphone. For the first time, he impressed in Triple-A this year (8.4 K/9, 2.33 ERA), but his long-term numbers look more like a 5-6 K/9 and a 4.00 ERA guy. Definitely worth a flyer in AL-Only leagues, but can’t get excited about him in mixed leagues yet.
Travis d’Arnaud – Day-to-day with a hyperextended elbow. It happened when he was trying to hear the crowd because he has a bad case of Hulkamania.
Matt Harvey – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. In yesterday’s game, he threw 115 pitches. See what happens when the Mets can’t bring Familia into the 7th inning for three innings?
Bronson Arroyo – Acquired by the Braves with Touki Toussaint. Wasn’t Toussaint the actress that played Claudette on OITNB? No idea why Arroyo was traded to the Braves. It would make more sense to hear he was playing on a track by Jermaine Dupri.
Freddie Freeman – Will have an MRI on his wrist after missing all weekend. Teams make such curious decisions. It’s like they’re on welfare with no health insurance. If you had a star player and unlimited money, wouldn’t you send him for an MRI, like, immediately?
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.67. The hypnotist worked, but now Teheran thinks it’s 2014 and wants someone to watch the last season of How I Met Your Mother with him.
Tyson Ross – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. You shoveled crap with Tyson for almost three months. He showed nary a sign. Nary! And not ‘nary’ like, “My girlfriend doesn’t shave, so it’s very Nairy.” Not one sign that Ross would turn things around. Finally, you give up hope and then he does this. You know that his next start is going to be an abomination. You know this, right?
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. See, I knew Hellickson moving to the NL West would pay off (once).
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Damn, I love me some Leonys, in the non-Biblical way. Fo’serious, I’d own him in every league.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.98 vs. Jose Quintana 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.92. This matchup was billed as, “They’re At The Top Of My Waivers And I Think I’m Going To Pick Up A Middle Reliever Instead.”
Melky Cabrera – 5-for-5, 1 run. Hey, that team in your league that was out of by mid-April finally had a good day! That’s also true of the White Sox.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-5 and two homers on Saturday. Likely just a hot schmotato, but at middle infidel, what else are you owning? Yescobar? Wilmer Handsofstone? Scooter, who didn’t even start in two games in Coors this weekend?
Justin Bour – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. He’s cooled off dramatically recently and sits vs. lefties, i.e. Bour’ing some out for the LLAMAS who ain’t here.
Justin Nicolino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks in his first start. Nicolino dedicated this game to Andy Warhol and The Velvet Underground. Nicolino is the best androgynous pitcher since Anibal, but he’s not very good in the big picture with his 5+ K/9 in the minors.
Dee Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run and 24th steal, hitting .356. When it looked like he couldn’t hit his weight two years ago and his weight was a buck thirty-five, this was totally unforeseeable. That’s why maybe you shouldn’t write off Buxton after five games.
Devin Mesoraco – Finally, he agreed to have season-ending hip surgery. If I were him, I’d also consider the Face/Off surgery too.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. What’s Crazier? The guy you wish you drafted in every league.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .234. Damn, that’s actually solid for him. You’d take 25 HRs and .234 from Bruce on the year, any day of the week and twice on Muesday, which is a secret day between Monday and Tuesday.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56, and two straight solid starts. I’d still only act on him if the Stream-o-Nator happened to like his next start.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-4, 1 run, and homered on Friday after returning from a broken wrist in, like, three weeks. I’m not saying Byrd is genetically modified from the forearm down, but I am saying that.
Carlos Beltran – Didn’t play on Sunday, but he had two homers on Saturday. I mentioned on Friday that he looked like a rising Zombino. This weekend didn’t make me want to buy garlic necklaces.
Stephen Drew – 2-for-3 and his 10th and 11th homers. Since Rendon was sitting on Sunday, I almost made Drew my batty call, but opted for Dietrich instead. What I guess I’m saying here is Drew inspires nothing, kinda like Bernie Sanders.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.17. Is it not bad enough that he has a torn elbow tendon, but now the Tigers need to tear him a new one?
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and 3 homers (14, 15, 16). Also, in this game, Victor Martinez (3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer). Lesson here: don’t mess with anyone surnamed Martinez in or around Yankee Stadium.
Lance Lynn – Threw a pain-free session. As they say, “No pain, gain.” They being pitchers; no one else says that.
Randal Grichuk – 0-for-4 as he hit leadoff, and hit two homers on Saturday and one on Friday. JB, Sky and I talk about Grichuk on this week’s podcast that’s coming later today. At first I compare him to Ludwick, but JB’s quick to point out Ludwick was much older when he arrived in the majors, and that is true. Hey, when a guy is right, he’s right. Plus, JB liking an NL Central player that’s not a Brewer is worth noting.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer. A lot has been made of how awful he’s been this year, but he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week with two homers, two steals and has looked close to the highly-touted prospect that he was for his first major league game. Hmm, maybe we form opinions too quickly.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 5 ER. Damn, this horse is Wach, it’s got poo brain.
Adam Morgan – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in his first major league start. Adam Morgan’s minor league stats are 99.9% as boring as his name. The fact that his last name could be a hot girl’s first name just barely saves him.
Ben Revere – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. After the game, Revere donned a Gaylord Perry commemorative jersey with every team’s logo, just to see which one looked best.
Jered Weaver – Landed on the DL with hip irritation. Geez, and he looks so hip with his mullet.
Garrett Richards – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. That’s a bit of a harumph. I mean, it was a Quality Start, but in name only. I’d still be buying him.
Scott Kazmir – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Seven more starts until it’s time to sell!
Tyler Clippard – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the save as he entered with one out in the 8th inning. You know when you try to sell a junky car and you stack giant books next to it to show it can also be used as a bookend? I think that’s what Beane’s doing with Clippard. “He can close or he can work as a middle reliever, whatever you want!”
Taijuan Walker – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 11 Ks. Last time he pitched, I said, “Okay, now pick him up.” This time, I say, “You have the reaction time of a stoned turtle.”
Vincent Velasquez – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks as he threw 93 pitches. I watched a documentary recently about how screwed up Alan Greenspan made the economy. Substitute in Velasquez and change economy to economy of pitches and the film would be less boring, but just as accurate. By the by, Netflix has me watching two-hour documentaries about subjects I wouldn’t even want to hear about for 90 seconds in a real-life conversation.
George Springer – 3-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .284. Honestly, I didn’t think he’d sniff .260 this year, and there’s still time for Springer to unwind, but right now he looks like the Spring has sprung.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .254. Rasmus is angling for one of those seasons where he sits on waivers all year, then we get to October and realize he actually had a top 50 outfielder season.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies don’t like new Bowie, they love anything macrame and they will find and hurt your ratios.
Jose Altuve – Continues to sit out with a hamstring injury. It’s been a real struggle for the Astros equipment manager with Altuve on the bench. It’s really hard to find phone books nowadays.
