I didn’t understand the title at first when Rudy gave it to me. Our conversation went like this, “I don’t get it.” Him, “What do truckers need?” Me, “Caffeine and horns?” Him, “Hats with back-of-the-head ventilation.” After a beat, him again, “Speed! They need speed!” Personally, I think all of these trucker requirements are right. The conversation continued with me asking, “And EYJ is a play on KY Jelly?” Him, “It’s a Se7en reference. Please leave me alone.” The 30 for 30 we’re all waiting for: Michael Madsen narrates, “Back in the 1980’s, Keith Hernandez, Willie Stargell and Dave Parker used to sniff more devil’s dandruff than Tony Montana at the height of his infamy, and these weren’t even the fast guys. At some point in the 1990’s, cocaine looked less cool when players started crashing and burning.” Cut to: a reenactment of Dwight Gooden trying to sell something to a drug dealer. Actor playing Doc Gooden, “This is the original Doc Gooden rookie card! It’s my high school driver’s license!” Now, speed’s crashed like Alex P. Keaton after a brutal exam. Enter, Mallex Smith, Cameron Maybin and Eric Young Jr. Maybin is the most polished; let’s call him Maybinski. He can provide top 30 OF-type numbers, but will likely get injured. EYJ is the schmotato-y one, and will likely lose his job within a month. Finally, Mallex is the most upsidey and interesting one to me. He could have a Billy Hamilton-type six weeks and never look back, except when looking back at greenies, Ron LeFlore and the go-go 80’s that never sucked, but they sure did blow. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mike Zunino – He’s hitting for power, and even average. The latter of those two likely won’t continue. On a side note, doesn’t Zunino seem like a guy that would go to Korea and become an instant superstar? Though, I don’t know if Koreans have the letter Z. I will need to Ask Jeeves, or our fantasy basketball man, Son. (You don’t need to click it, I’m practicing my SEO.)
Matt Adams – He doesn’t look right skinny. It’s like skinny Oprah. I like my Oprahs and my Matt Adamses with some meat on their bones. In fact, now I’m putting on Anthony Hamilton’s Sista Big Bones. As for Adams, he has six homers and is hitting near-.320 in June.
Trey Mancini – Here is an excerpt of Trey Mancini’s autobiography, “The light shone as I emerged. My father had the doctor hold me there for a second to take a picture. My head and mother’s pubic area made it appear I was born with an afro. A jazz player from the word ‘Go.'” Later, we hear how Chris Davis strained his oblique and Mancini is now playing every day.
Brandon Drury – 1st basemen might’ve taken a backseat finally for pickups, but MIs are coming on like a house of bricks (totally an expression).
Howie Kendrick – As Kendrick once said, “Who dat pitcher thinkin’ that he frontin’ on Man-Man? (Man-Man). Get off the mound, I’m the Sandman (Sandman).” Might not be Howie Kendrick though.
Jose Pirela – This doesn’t seem indicative of anything, but I saw it and think it should be mentioned, in Triple-A this year, Pirela had 13 homers and 8 steals in only 48 games while hitting .331. Maybe 10 years in the minors is his magic number.
Chris Taylor – He’s totally fine, you should grab him, but, long term, well, I just looked at his peripherals, and, hmm, well, he’s hitting now so why do you need more? You greedy, yo!
Yoan Moncada – Could be the next huge rookie callup. Could be Amed Rosario. Heck, could be Gleyber Torres. I have no idea, but I’m holding Amed like a giant ninny.
Matt Davidson – Went over the Son of David this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it.
Hernan Perez – On our Player Rater, Perez is the 17th most valuable 3rd baseman on the year. He is owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues. Oh. *climbs to the top of Kilimanjaro* Kay.
Matt Chapman – Here’s what I said the other day, “Was called up by the A’s. Beatles fans will remember Matt Chapman as the guy who said, “Stop with the hate mail, it wasn’t me!” Chapman’s best comp is Joey Gallo. Joey Gallo Compman? Chapman should play over Plouffe — Plouffe there goes my playing time! — and hit for power and not much else. He’s available in my 12-team mixed league, and neither I nor Prospector Ralph are picking him up, to give you an idea.” And that’s me quoting me!
Eduardo Escobar – He hit 40 homers this week with a .975 average. Going off memory here.
Lewis Brinson – I just gave you my Lewis Brinson fantasy. It was sweetened with Stevia.
Derek Fisher – I just gave you my Derek Fisher fantasy. It was written while Googling for pornographic images of Janice the Muppet.
David Peralta – I don’t have a leg to stand on — On a subway, “I got no legs! I got no legs!” — because I dropped Peralta, but he really should be owned.
Jacob Faria – He’s impressed in his first couple of starts, and I still don’t trust him for his next game, or the one after that, but hard to argue with his results. Plus, you scream at the results and how are they arguing back? Now you just look crazy.
Alex Meyer – Owned nearly nowhere and is a possible streamer on Saturday. Jesus Christopher Ramirez is also a suggested stream on Sunday. Didn’t give him his own blurb, because the Stream-o-Nator just loves Angels. I hope we don’t need to be concerned.
Felipe Rivero – You know what makes me horny? Besides, Janice the Muppet. When I own the best reliever in a bullpen, and he becomes the closer. What? Some guys like butts, I like quality relievers. Why is that weird?
Hector Neris – Neris seemed to get the closer job back at some point in the days when Philly wasn’t getting save opportunities, but if you’re speculating hardcore like EPMD, grab Neshek too.
Matt Albers – Since Dusty is just throwing whomever in the blank space that is the ninth inning, I’m going to start calling Albers, Matt Libs.
SELL
Justin Verlander – Sell lows suck. You’re not winning leagues with sell lows, in general. I’m a firm believer like Shazbot from Heaven’s Gate that sell highs are the meow’s cat and sell lows are the meouchs. Verlander looks damaged again. He took two steps back a few years ago, then took a step forward and regained some form and now he’s doing so many steps back and forward it’s like he’s cha-cha’ing rather than pitching. And you wanna scream, “Stop your cha-cha’ing and start cha-chinging! Or I’d even accept cha-cha-changes instead of your fastball.” His ERA is pee-poor and his xFIP is even worse. I wouldn’t sell him for the opportunity to run into the King Slayer from Game of Thrones, but I would explore options. “Nick-oh-lahj? Nick-oh-Minaj? Coaster….Waldo? Ugh, you’re the best, King Slayer!”
