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Since there was only one game this week and players haven’t been able to get hot or cold or humid, this Buy/Sell is going to be slightly different. This Buy/Sell includes some players that are owned in more than 50% of leagues. Okay, that’s not different for the Sells, but it does change the Buys. “Hello? No, I’m changing buys — B-U-Y-S. Thanks, you too!” That was GLAAD calling me about potential insensitivity. I have not triggered anyone in almost three days, unless you count that I told someone in Oregon that their state flag should be a cornucopia of Birkenstock and patchouli. As for a Buy on Madison Bumgarner, you know that expression, “If you’re alive long enough, you will see a time when Samoans are skinny, petite men who request silver dollar-sized coconuts to cover their nipples.” You don’t know it? That’s because I just made it up! Sucker! The expression I just made up is accurate, however (as far as I’m concerned, and, sadly, this isn’t a democracy, and I’m the one that matters). The expression’s root is from the actual expression, “If you live long enough, you’ll experience everything.” I say this because who would’ve never thunk I’d be buying Bumgarner, ever. His 9.3 K/9 is the highest it’s been in three years; his walk rate of 1.9 is about as elite as it gets and he’s going to be pitching with a new team shortly, and you have to think that team will provide more win opportunities than the Aints. Also, Bumgarner strikes me as the type to get hyped up about competition, and a playoff race could bring out his best. Unless he’s traded to the Dodgers, then the world might blow up. Was that why there were those earthquakes? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Michael Conforto – I give the Mets a lot of crap, because they are, honestly, “a lot of crap.” How’sever, I think I might be a sucker for Conforto. He’s disappointed more than most. Now that I think about it, has he ever been good for a full season? *checks Conforto’s player page* Negative, Ghost Rider. I’m still in on Conforto, though by the end of this season this might be awkward like playing I Believe I Can Fly for an inspirational moment. The guys from the barbershop must have some hilarious things to say about R. Kelly now. “He can still sing.” “The boy can sing!” “Would I want him dating my daughter?” “He’d want to date your granddaughter!”
Austin Meadows – The Rest of the Season Player Rater doesn’t think anything special of Meadows. It doesn’t hate him or anything, but it’s also not a panty-mouth for him. That’s as in one who pants like they’re mouth is watering; it doesn’t mean you’re chewing on your loved one’s panties. With that said, I am a panty-mouth for Meadows. Did we forget how he was breaking out in April and then was derailed? He might not be as good as he was in April, but he’s nowhere near as bad as he’s been recently either. Not even sure if I’d split the difference. To me, Meadows is more April than June, July or Jayne.
Aaron Judge – Someone is going to plant their flag on Planet Mollywhop and hit more homers than everyone else in the 2nd half. It happens every year, unless two or more guys tie for most homers after break. Judge has to be around 3 to 1 odds of being the guy who gets the honor of leading the league in homers after the break, and he’s not being valued nearly that highly by his owners. I’d look at the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and see if there’s a trade you can pull off.
Nate Lowe – His brother from an equally named father, Brandon, isn’t due back this weekend, and Nate is a pickup by the Hitter-Tron, like the pickup it makes at a junkyard to get its pipes air-blown.
Blake Snell – Trying to wrack my brain to find a pitcher who can be a top three starter in the 2nd half who is not coveted like a top three starter right now, and I keep going back to Snell. Is it possible Snell continues to pitch as poorly as he did in the 1st half? Um, yup, do I bring up lay-up questions often that don’t have an obvious answer? Tricked ya! I might, who knows? Last year, Snell had a 1.89 ERA and this year his ERA is 4.70. Yet — again with some stank — YET, he’s actually pitching a bit better this year.
Zac Gallen – I love Gallen still, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to casting office of Mr. Robot.
Homer Bailey – Can’t believe I’m recommending Bailey, but this is also a Streamonator call. “I simply thought since your show is called Mr. Robot, you might want to talk to an actual robot.”
Emilio Pagan – Jose Alvarado is out for around six weeks, though you can backdate that to March, because that schmohawk has been useless all year. Man (or five women), some of my preseason predictions were egregiously bad — Travis Shaw MVP! Ha! And equally terrible was Jose Alvarado being the SAGNOF’er of the year — any hoo! Pagan put the devil back in the Tampa Bay Rays and could be a top SAGNOF guy of the 2nd half (I just jinxed him too, didn’t I?)
Heath Hembree – There’s no way Eovaldi is going to be their closer. Maybe they’re saying all of that nonsense to keep the price low for when they get Will Smith. That would make an interesting remake of Good Will Hunting. As for Hembree? Well, who knows? I don’t think even the Red Sox know.
Sam Dyson – I could’ve also put Tony Watson here, and, will you look at that, I just did! Dyson seems to be the fill-in when Smith is traded to the Red Sox, but it could be Watson, or even *shudders* Melancon.
SELL
Josh Bell – Up front, I’m not saying trade Josh Bell for a pair of Weezy’s, which are Yeezy knockoffs inspired by Isabel Sanford. But as alluded to in the top 100 for the 2nd half and on this week’s podcast, Josh Bell or Aaron Judge? Obviously was Bell for the 1st half, but are we seriously thinking it has to be the same for the 2nd half?
DJ LeMahieu – Heard the other day that the Indians were aggressive listeners on Trevor Bauer possible trades. How does one become an aggressive listener? Do you jam your ear in someone’s face? Do you carry around an Elizabethan collar and, whenever anyone opens their mouth, you put it to your ear? Do you bug your enemy’s office and record everything they say? Well, whatever it is, I’d be doing that if I owned LeMahieu.
Charlie Morton – I just told you to sell Ryu in last week’s Sell, so I’m not going to repeat all of that here, except to literally repeat all of that here by pointing it out. I’ve also told you to sell Bell (I made you rhyme, sucker!), LeMahieu and Morton for as long as I’ve been alive, if I’ve been alive for three weeks (don’t ask). Ryu and Morton’s biggest issue will be how many more IP can they throw. My guess is: Not many.
Josh Donaldson – I’m such a jackhole. Why won’t I let Donaldson just be good, you ask with a soft whisper as you sip your Flat White and listen to your Pottery Barn CD. I don’t know! I just don’t trust him. I am sincerely sorry (I’m not sorry). I’m not saying to give Donaldson away for two tickets to see Bill Cosby in the mess hall variety show, Jell-o In My Cell-o, but I would use our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and see if I couldn’t concoct a trade with him.
