Last night, Mat Latos looked like he was headed for the Disgraceful List. He didn’t fool anyone. I didn’t say he didn’t fool any hitters because he was facing the Braves, they don’t have any hitters besides Freeman. After giving up seven runs, he didn’t get out of the first inning, replaced by Brad Hand. Here’s some tweets Dallas Latos wanted to write, “Keep pitching like that and Hand will replace me too.” “My third collagen injection blew up less than you.” “I knew I should’ve slept with Cueto.” In the preseason, I should’ve dropped Latos in my rankings when Rudy wrote his warnings. I screwed up. I did mention last week about staying away from him, but it was likely too little, too Latos for most of you. I think you could likely sell very low right now — like for a Brain Freeze closer — and still be happy just to get Latos off your team because he looks like Latoast. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Things were hairy in the first when he loaded the bases with one out, but got out of it, then he gave up two runs to the bottom of the Marlins’ order in the fifth, but when compared to his opponent, Latos, he looked like Bob Feller throwing a pitch faster than a UFO.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Hey, that was my UFO!
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he hits out of the three hole and he had a steal the game before. Kind of player that bores you to tears in mixed leagues, but is very valuable in NL-Only leagues as he collects counting stats.
Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Unfortch, I don’t own EY in any leagues, but I love him for some cheap speed. SAGNOF!
Steve Cishek – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Kazaam!
Koji Uehara – About a week away. Yesterday, he threw a simulated game. He sat on a couch with an Oculus Rift headset and simulated throwing while Sandoval sat next to him and ate his guacamole.
Alex Cobb – Played catch and said he had ‘the best day yet.’ Must’ve played catch at the Playboy Mansion.
James Loney – Scratched with a tweaked side. The Rays had the depth to handle this by playing some Guyer at DH.
Brandon Guyer – 0-for-4. Hey, it’s that Guyer! Guess where Kevin Cash hit Guyer in the lineup last night after being a last-minute addition with Loney getting hurt. Go ahead, guess! I’ll wait. *taps finger, scratches chin, farts, realizes that wasn’t a fart, heads to the bedroom, changes shorts, returns* He hit him lead off! “There’s a recession on smarts” is Cash’s tag line.
Nate Karns – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Still better than Latos!
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. How’s that 49th round NFBC draft pick look now?! Still not good, but I’ll take the homer. By the by, Forsythe played first yesterday after Loney was injured. Forsythe had played 1st once before in 339 career games. Someone sign Kevin Cash up for Groundlings. That man can improvise! “Okay, we need a color and an activity.” “Orange and scuba!” Cash stares at the audience for two minutes then, “Logan, you’re playing first.”
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Best showing vs. the Orioles by a –maier since Jeffrey Maier.
Steven Souza – 0-for-3, 1 RBI and his first steal. He had a crizzappy spring, and hasn’t looked great so far, but it’s two games and if he hits a home run this week, then who cares what he did in the spring? I’d try to remain patient for a few with Souza.
J.J. Hardy – Will take dry swings on Wednesday. The Orioles Pool Boy said, “I guess I’m wasting my time!”
Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Rays. On one hand, he looked awful. On the other hand, he gave way to Gausman faster. On the third hand that is actually a foot in disguise, Gausman didn’t look much better (2 1/3 IP, 2 ER).
Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Who stuck a needle in this guy’s butt?
Justin Verlander – Unlikely to pitch Sunday. That makes two of us!
Rubby de la Rosa – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Johnny Gill would say you Rubby’d me the wrong way.
David Peralta – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Rudy did a batty call on this guy yesterday, so I can only assume the Hitter-Tron liked it just as it likes brushing its metal nether regions up against a stove.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, which was my batty call. Get it, Lamb, get it! Baaaaah!
Matt Cain – Hit the DL with a flexor tendon strain. Oddly enough, his tendon had written on it, Property of Bumgarner. “Madison, you up to no good in there?” That’s Bochy seeing Bumgarner walk out of Cain’s room late one night. “Ow!” That’s Bochy bumping his head into the moon. Yusmeiro Petit could move into the rotation shortly. It depends on whether or not Peavy can go this Sunday. Right now, Vogelsong is the first man into the Giants’ rotation. Oh, and Vogelsong isn’t an advisable start anywhere, after giving up 7 ER in 4 2/3 IP.
Buster Posey – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer in the 1st inning. Buster Posey got the jump on Rubby. That sounds like every high school dream I ever had.
Brandon Belt – Strained his groin on a foul pop-up. Been there, done that! Belt could be headed for the DL, which seems like par for the course with him. Sorry, that’s below the Belt. Literally.
Kevin Correia – Signed a minor league deal with the Giants. Be interesting to see how well they accept Correia in San Fran’s Chinatown.
Jenrry Mejia – MRI showed no structural damage in his elbow, just inflammation, but he still went to the DL. Jeurys Familia will be the temp temp closer because Terry Collins likes his stuff and players with names that look like they were spelled by a cat walking across a keyboard.
Cody Ross – Signed with the A’s. Such an A’s move. The Diamondbacks released him, ate almost ten million dollars of his contract and the A’s pay him in Samoa Girl Scout cookies and get an MVP year from him. Or so probably.
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Rangers. Well, it wasn’t beautiful, especially when I see he gave up three runs and I can’t for the life of me figure how that Rangers lineup scored that many, but I’d give Hahn a few more starts.
Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. That sound you hear is the .002% of fantasy owners who have Colby. Okay, open your window. Now you hear them?
James Paxton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Got a bunch of questions yesterday about whether to start Paxton. Why own a guy if you’re not starting him? Not to answer, but to ruminate. Latos’s owners, no need to answer either. I hear ya.
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Is it me or when you see the Angels’ lineup of Pujols, Freese, you think of a cold toilet? Maybe it’s me.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Mariners. The M’s sure have a way of signing players to big deals and then watching them do nothing. Maybe the M’s might think about signing some guys to one-year deals. Cust kayin’.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Tyson Ross 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. The game started a half-hour late in Dodgers Stadium due to rain. You can imagine how odd the Dodgers fans felt when they showed up and it was only the first inning.
Chris Hatcher – 0 IP, 2 ER (and 2 unearned). How’s that closer doing you, clean-lipper skipper? As I said yesterday, I wouldn’t drop Joel Peralta yet if you’re looking to vulture saves for the Dodgers. Is Peralta good? Aw, hecks no, but neither is Hatcher.
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I think I’ve said this in previous years but it always seems like older players come out of the gate hot and then cool off as they start to tire in the middle of the summer. I wonder what the OPS is for players over the age of 30 prior to June 1st is compared to after June 1st. That’s your cue, do some research for me.
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and a one game hitting streak, which is tied for second best in the league.
Ryan Braun – Didn’t play yesterday. He will be out either a couple of days or a couple of days while struggling with the injury for two months.
Jean Segura – 1-for-2, 1 run and stayed in the game after being hit in the head by a pitch. He likely figured it was safer on the field than near Braun on the bench, checking out bats.
Matt Garza – 5 IP, 4 ER vs. Rockies in Miller Park. Crappy beverages make for great offensive stadiums. Padres should sell their stadium’s naming rights to Zima. It’s what half their fans drink anyway.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Listen, Cougs, I’m tired, but if you really want some, you’ll let me call you Nolan.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, a steal and his 2nd game in a row with two hits. I’d say hot schmotato, but I’d own anyone facing the Brewers right now.
Jordan Lyles – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m currently reading Six Days of War by Michael Oren, so I might be biased, but I wouldn’t trust Jordan.
Nick Hundley – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. In related news, Wilin Rosario texted Walt Weiss’s daughter, “We have to stop talking. Ur dad’s killing my kareer.” (Sic)
