I’m Real Impressed By The Rocks A’s J-Lo Got

It’s interesting to me how different J. Lo, the four-time divorcee with six broken engagements, is from Ja-Lo, which is just me answering the phone with a funny voice. By the way, thinking about J. Lo’s most recent divorce, and does Ben Affleck know there’s women with a name other than Jennifer? Does he not want to learn a new name? Did he love the mellifluousness of Bennifer so much that he had to keep doing it? [looks up to the ceiling] Damn, I thought if I worked mellifluousness into a sentence, then balloons would instantly fall with me winning something. Alas! So, Jacob Lopez (7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.59) rocks. He’s 27 years old, which is a tad old, but can’t fault a guy for being stuck in two organizations that don’t promote prospects (Rays and A’s, the Ay’s). What’s rather unheard of is how Lopez went from the Rays to the A’s, and the latter was the team to figure out his stuff. He has a 65% Z-Swing% and 81.2% Z-Contact. The first number is top 30, the 2nd percentage is top seven, and the true mettle that doesn’t melt. Play on words points! The top six on the Z-Contact: Skubal, Cease, Skenes, Wheeler, Joe Ryan, Cristopher Sanchez then Lopez. Cease has been wildly unlucky, and the others don’t need me to explain. Jacob Lopez could be special next year, and this feels like the first 2026 fantasy baseball sleeper. Say Ja-Lo to my little friend! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Colby Thomas – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 1st career homer. Gosh, I haven’t thought about him since the 2nd season of Survivor.

Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Soder, he says, like he’s wearing a hunting vest answering someone about what he’s drinking, seems to get hot for stretches, like a yoga mom, and cold, which you’d think was good for Soder, but turns out it’s not; a fizzle. The preceding sentence was brought to you by Grey with only four games on the schedule had time to amuse himself.

Mitchell Parker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.43. Mr. Parker’s and the Vicious Circle of not very good pitching, and Streamonator hates his next one even more.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .239. Did a double take on that. “Are you sure that’s not his first homer of the year?” That’s me talking to the box score.

Henry Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .172. Hammerin’ Hank Davis! Wow, the prospect guys are all right! He is good!

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.94. That’s his career high in hits allowed: 7. That’s ludicrous. By the way, if you would’ve told me Skenes had more homers than Bryan Reynolds, I would’ve believed you. Eleven? Like the 35-year-old girl playing an 11-year-old on the new season of Stranger Things? Wow, that is surprising.

Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.53. Going into Pittsburgh and getting trounced? That’s a sad song, Singer.

Eury Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.25. You can’t rain on my 2026 enthusiasm for him. No Eurainy on my Eurthusiasm. I’m sorry. Unless he’s hurt–Yikes, don’t even say that.

Graham Pauley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. St. Pauley’s Girl could a hot schmotato, and, no, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because dur.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4 and his 16th homer. Braves entered play nine games behind the Marlins in the division. Ya know, just trying to understand the thought behind Ozuna playing hurt all year. Actually, it might be his call since he’s a freee agent after this year. Bad time to have your worst season. He should’ve went to the offseason seminar by Jorge Soler called, “Have A Year! A Contract Year,” at the Parsippany Ramada.

Drake Baldwin – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. The only positive Braves’ story all year? Or am I forgetting someone? Not a great year for the A-T-L.

Carlos Carrasco –  5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.18. That’s the way the Cookie crumbles. Or Crumbl, if any cookie companies wanna sponsor me. Wink, wink.

Josh Naylor – Grimaced on a swing and that’s absolutely an oblique injury even though I don’t know what an oblique is or where it’s located or if it even really exists, but the M’s said it’s actually his shoulder. I don’t know if this is better or worse news. Maybe he can just pinch-run and steal bases.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.35. His peripherals are eye-popping. I doubt he’s drafted like it next year, but his underlying stats are, pound for pound, as good as any pitcher. Like nutty good. Could make a case they’re better than Skenes’s.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. The Rice Bowl’s had himself a nice bounce back season. I’ve been hesitant to call him a Zombino, because of the deep, rich history that word brings. Oddly enough, he was next to George Springer on the Player Rater yesterday (no longer, it changes overnight) and they’re both Zombinos, as the strict Zombinoists define it.

Cal Raleigh – 0-for-3. Ya know I love this big-assed catcher, but I think the season is starting to wear on him, or the dreaded Derby Curse.

Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Known mostly for his business-wear and pantsuits, that’s Michael Ann Taylor homering. So, hot schmotato alert? Sure, I suppose. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because have some self-respect, would ya please?

Brooks Baldwin – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! He’s the one non-wacko Baldwin brother.

Shane Smith – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.22. If you know a blacksmith and they make a metal sex toy to throw on the court at an WNBA game, that’s, “Have some shame, Smith!” It’s a different thing, ya see? Smith is a Streamonator call who likely won’t even be suggested by the Robot, so there’s that.

Chase Meidroth – Hit the IL with a thumb contusion. If he drew a face on his thumb, it would be a thumb concussion.

Michael King – Set to be activated for Saturday’s start. That means today is your final day of, “My 1st starter drafted has returned! This is going to be everything I ever dreamed it would be! Or is it dreamt? Meh, who cares! I’m too happy to care! I am so fortunate,” until he actually returns, gives up 4 ER in 4 IP and “works on some stuff” the rest of the year.