Nick Kurtz for Fantasy Baseball

Martha,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m stationed in SacTown. Currently, I’m sweating and having a fight with myself in a mirror when I receive a telegram from a young Harrison Ford. I have to get Kurtz out of the jungle. No, not Vietnam, I said SacTown. That is literally this city’s name. He has to be extradited out of the jungle of the Rainforest Cafe in Vegas. I’ll tell you why. He’s hitting like .350 with a home run every other game and he’s walled himself off in a cave where he’s begun to mix the DNA of different species to create a whole new animal, like there’s a raccoon and squirrel he calls a raquirrel. Whoever heard of a raqurriel? Even a squiraccoon is ridiculous, if you ask me. I have stop Kurtz and bring him back to SacTown. Thank you, and send me some of those jammies you make with peanut butter cookies.

Sincerely yours,
Grey

Am I confusing Apocalypse Now, Dr. Moreau and Nick Kurtz‘s hero journey to the majors? Yes, maybe I am, but what’s more confusing is when the A’s plan on calling him up. I’m not being coy or purposely daft, he could be up tomorrow or in September. My guess is in two weeks, as they’ve started to shift players around, so Kurtz can slip in as a 1st baseman. As I told Martha, he’s hitting well with a bazillion and one homers. I’d stash him now if you have room because he’s more than ready, now it’s just up to the A’s. Hurry before Kurtz merges a zebra and a rooster. No one wants a zooster! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Miguel Amaya – Cubs have been getting production from literally everyone (well, except Matt Shaw), even a backup catcher, but this backup catcher might be the starter if Kelly can’t swing a bat. How much you’re rooting for that might have to do with whether you have Kelly, who also has been hot in his own right. All Cubs are hot. (Except Shaw still.)

Danny Jansen – Bit of a slow week for catcher pickups. I could’ve said Sean Murphy again, but since last week he’s gone over 50% rostered, so ineligible for this post, except he was eligible for me to say he’s been hot. Jansen’s been a bit hot, but also long-term I like him in Big Stein, until he gets hurt, at least.

Pavin Smith – So many guys’ stats look like this: .500 BABIP, .303 average, 31 K%. It’s goofy stats time (GST, which is two hours behind us on regression). So, Pavin, while not really good, has been hot.

Ryan O’Hearn – He’s Pavin Smith, but Irish. Call him Pavin O’Smith.

Rhys Hoskins – Hot hitting that would make a giant animated rabbit horny for Hoskins.

Jonathan Aranda – With what I just said about goofy stats? Well, Aranda looks promising in the big picture. Not a .400 hitter, obviously, but maybe 20+ HRs and .270. That’s got some value.

Matt Mervis – And we’re back on GST. Mervis’s stats look like a guy who is Quad-A, got hot and is generating a lot of Maas Appeal.

Ty France – For two weeks, it was Kyren Paris who generated all the goodwill. Now it’s France. I don’t know if the Orioles give him a chance, and he’s only in Single-A, but I’m watching closely Jose Arrondissement. Also, Joe De Vivre, guy’s got a lot of life on his bat.

Christopher Morel – One thing you can’t argue is what this guy brings to parties. Morel is a fun guy! High five me! Right now! No? Okay. Morel is also a .190 hitter with power, but, you guessed it, hot.

Luke Keaschall – Here’s what I said this morning, “Being called up by the Twins. Should be Keasch’all, but I will let slide, y’all. In Itch’s 1st prospect stash list of the season, he listed Luke, saying, “Minnesota has been playing Edouard Julien at second base, and he’s been fine so far, but Keaschall gives them a right-handed option who strikes out quite a bit less than Julien. He’s typically been under 20 percent throughout his pro career, whereas Julien lives in the 30 percent neighborhood. Keaschall is slashing .291/.415/.419 with a 19.5 percent strikeout rate through ten games. Brooks Lee and Royce Lewis are complicating factors, but Keaschall’s bat can clear its own path, and put Grey under the path.” C’mon, man! Keaschall is interesting, 15/23/.303 last year, but Baldelli has to platoon every gee-dee guy, so I’d think 15-team mixed leagues, until we see more.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Itch!

Jose Caballero – Some guys get their stats whether they’re playing full-time or not, and Caballero feels like that for speed. Whether he gets 300, 400 or 500 ABs, he’s getting 40 steals.

Gabriel Arias – A lot of the guys in this post are hot (most are, actually), but some are hot with iffy playing time. Arias looks locked into playing time, has been hot, and somehow has 17 HRs combined in four seasons. So, he must be Ozzie Smith with his glove. He supposedly has power, so maybe this year it’s blossoming. I’ve just made him a blossoming-power Ozzie Smith. Call him Blozzie Smith.

Edouard Julien – He sounds like a French technique for cutting vegetables. “Oui, you can take your leeks and julienne them or you can Edouard Julien them, which is julienning while hitting leadoff for the Twins.”

Dylan Moore – Lately, on a scale of 1-10, he’s been a 10, just studly Moore.

Adael Amador – Here’s Itch, “A switch-hitter at 6’0” 200 lbs, Amador got his first look at the show this season but couldn’t find his footing, slashing .171/.194/.200 in 36 plate appearances. Could’ve probably predicted as much considering he wasn’t thriving in Double-A, where he ended the season slashing .230/.343/.376 with 14 home runs and 35 stolen bases. The fantasy appeal is clear, and there’s plenty of upside in the frame given his solid plate skills from both sides. Just might take a while for him to settle into his true skill level at the top level. Grey’s skill level is toilet.” What? Amador is incredibly exciting for NL-Only and unrosterable in mixed, until we see more playing time.

Hyeseong Kim – As MF DOOM might’ve called him, “The Sofa Kim,” and he’s been Sofa Kim hot in the minors.

Brooks Lee – Don’t really like Lee, but I need to give you some AL-Only guys and Lee’s been hot, but, in AL-Only leagues, Lee is rostered and in AL-Only leagues guys on waivers are more like DaShawn Keirsey Jr. Not a made-up name!

Nasim Nunez – Dude’s crazy fast and maybe gets some playing time while Corange Juice Abrams is on the shelf and/or at the casino.

Tyler Fitzgerald – Started to get dropped in leagues, and, honestly, I understand it. Hitting at the bottom of any lineup is fantasy death, but the Giants lineup had places to move him up to if he started hitting, and he even moved up to the six-hole yesterday.

Ben Williamson – Here’s what I said the other day, “Williamson could be a .280 hitter with 30 steals, and they’re going to start Mastrobuoni? Forget mixed leagues, I can’t even say Mastrobuoni aloud in mixed company.” And that’s me quoting me!

Caleb Durbin – Just gave you my Caleb Durbin fantasy. It was written while stretching in yoga pants.

Kameron Misner – This is what it feels like with the Rays’ hitters: They come out of nowhere, get unbelievably hot, have a solid month or two, then disappear to never be heard from again. Misner has an odd stat page. He struggled with a 30 K% in the minors, and now is making great contact in the majors. He also went 17/30 in Triple-A, so, while I do think he’ll disappear, there might be something here longer-ish term.

Mike Yastrzemski – Carl’s Jr. Jr.’s biggest takeaway is giving you the Burger you want, and not the Jake Burger you’re getting.

Austin Hays – He’s in The Scheblers, let him ride around town on the back of Scooter Gennett.

Kyle Stowers – One final guy on GST. Wake me when guys no longer have a .400 BABIP and tell me what they’re hitting then.

Landen Roupp – What’s Rouppdog? I don’t know but I like Roupp in the big picture, but this is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to an arcade.

Hayden Wesneski – Another guy I like in general, but Streamonator. “Do you have a Ms. Pac-Man game? I was having a lovely conversation with her the other day, and I’d like to continue chatting.”

Calvin Faucher – We all know Justin Martinez and A period J period Puk and Jose Alvarado and Kahnle and maybe Pagan but maybe Diaz are getting saves (for now, maybe some of them), but who might be getting saves tomorrow? Well, none of the guys in this post, maybe, who knows, saves are super arbitrary.

Abner Uribe – Trevor Megill is Trevor My-guy-ill. Huh?! Did I pull it off?! No? You are 100% correct. I did not. Can Uribe pull it off and replace him? Uribe likely could’ve been the closer for two of the last three years, so, yes, absolutely. Last year was technically iffy and icky from Abner. (By the way, Abner reminded me of Lil’ Abner, which reminded me of Andy Capps Hot Fries, which reminded me of Wise Cheez Waffies and that sent me down a 45-minute google-spiral of what the hell happened to those delicious things and I’m happy to report, they’re back! Bad news update! They’re impossible to find. Are they just in Georgia? Does Ted Turner make them? I need Cheez Waffies! This is not a sponsored post, but, Wise, call me, let’s work out something. Does Wise even exist anymore? This feels like more of a philosophical question.)

Yennier Cano – If I were the O’s GM, I’d trade Bautista for a starter and let Cano close. [reading business card] “Grey Albright, not the Orioles GM.” Hmm…

SELL

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Last couple weeks it was Sell Low Guys and, as much as I think you have to get out quickly on SLGs (first time that acronym’s ever been used for baseball), there’s also something about timing it right on a Sell High Guy. SLGs give you that SELL!!! that’s like FIRE!!! in a theater. A SHG is more like musical chairs. You don’t have to sit immediately, you can walk around a little and enjoy that stroll around chairs while Tony! Toni! Toné!’s Feels Good plays, but, when Feels Good stops, you better have sat or else you’re going to be SOL with your SHG and Tatis is going to randomly hit the IL with a quad injury that turns out to be that he was actually parasailing while on a motorcycle and he’s gonna miss three months. This is not a SLG issue, I wouldn’t sell Tatis for a walking tour of Chernobyl, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.