You Can Buy Heston From My Cold, Dead Hands

Imagine you’re in a deli waiting for a pastrami on rye. Not just any pastrami on rye, but the best pastrami on rye. Like all delis, you have to take a number. So, you pull a number and it’s number two. Not bad! You only have to wait one person! You can do that! So, the man behind the counter calls number one. By the way, the man behind the counter is sorta recognizable, he’s wearing an Orioles cap and he’s Brandon Hyde. The person with the number one is Grayson Rodriguez. Wow, cool. He orders a pastrami on rye, but there’s plenty to go around. Brandon Hyde then calls the next number. This will be you–Wait, he calls another number one, Adley Rutschman. Hmm…Okay, you have to be next. You think at least, but Hyde calls a number one again and here’s Colton Cowser. Then Jordan Westburg! And here’s Ryan Mountcastle! And another one! And another one! And again! And again! And, wait a minute, what the hell is Matt Wieters doing here?! So, the Orioles called up another number one the other day, Heston Kjerstad. He’s a lefty corner outfielder with 40-homer power. The biggest concern is A) Where does he play? B) Strikeouts. C) There’s no C. I’m only concerned with B. If he hits, he will play, and should be grabbed in any league where you need power. Oh, I have to go! Brandon Hyde called number two! Hold up, Gunnar Henderson somehow has a number two in front of my number two? Oh c’mon! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Travis d’Arnaud – He might be the first catcher who was not rostered last Friday, got so hot on Friday that now he’s unable to be picked up by this Friday. Le Terminator is le caudest schmotato. Speaking of Terminators, imagine that first Terminator movie but instead of the Terminator being a killing machine, he’s a robot ump. He’d be welcomed!

Elias Diaz – Don’t usually do this, but this goes for Diaz, Elias Diaz and every Astros and Rockies player in Mexico. Montezuma’s Revenge is not the only thing causing runs this weekend in Mexico.

Connor Wong – Dick jokes aside, you know what’s been crazy about Wong? He’s doing this with a backup who can’t keep his hands off him. You really thought I was going to put the dick jokes aside? C’mon! So, Wong has been hot. You know there’s an ointment for that?

Joey Loperfido – The Astros will soon stop filming their independent remake of Weekend at Bernie’s at 1st.

Connor Joe – Where’d he come from? (Heaven like manna.) Where’d he go? (Not far from the Buy column all year.) Connor Eyed Joe!

Amed Rosario – Leave it to the Rays to make something of Amed. Of course they did. The Rays have a superpower, “Wring value from an affordable player, so they don’t have to promote a top prospect.”

Luis Rengifo – Don’t look now — metaphorically, you don’t have to cover your eyes — but Rengifo is on pace for 35+ steals.

Luis Garcia Jr. – Once a week I look at Rocky III’s Statcast to see if the breakout is proceeding as normal, and every week he persists.

Santiago Espinal – Just went to our 7-day Player Rater, saw Espinal, and now you see Espinal. Frank Voila!

Tyler Freeman – He’s supplanted Ramon Laureano in the Guards’ lineup and is on pace for roughly 25/20. He’s hitting for a poor average, but his BABIP says he’s been unlucky, and he makes great contact. Could there be a new top Freeman in baseball? Absolutely not. Like not even close. No, not at all. Stop.

Orelvis Martinez – Jays’ top prospect who’s hitting everything in Triple-A is currently blocked by Ernie Clement and Israeli-Diner Falafel, which is just beautiful. Chef’s kiss. (Side note: Ernie Clement looks pretty decent for AL-Only. Makes nice contact, like Jodie Foster in Contact.)

Willi Castro – From Wong to Willi, the story of one man’s Buy column. What? What did you think I was going to say? Oh, get your mind out of the gutter!

Wilyer Abreu – When a guy looks like he could be 15/20 like Abreu, it’s so bleh vs. a guy who looks like he could be 5/30 or 30/5. But is it that different? Much like your favorite provocateur, I’m merely asking questions.

Kerry Carpenter – Looks like he’s taking a step forward with contact and might be a .290 hitter vs. .278 last year. The power isn’t where I’d want it to get crazy excited, but a 20-homer guy, as he looks now, can become a 30-homer guy with one great month. A 30/.290 hitter is very valuable. Or you wouldn’t have drafted Corey Seager where you did.

Johan Rojas – I have nothing but my gut, and I just ate a kebab and the stick is jabbing my liver but I get the feeling Rojas is close to finally being moved to the leadoff spot and Schwarber to the five or six hole, where he belongs. Or maybe I just read The Secret and I’m trying to manifest shizz. Who’s to say?

Richie Palacios – See what I said for Amed Rosario but add in a tasteless joke here calling him Dick Palace.

Jesse Winker – He is a hot schmotato, and for anyone saying, “Wow, Winker is breaking out! Finally!” Tell them to check back in August when his line is 10/6/.270.

Rob Refsnyder – Ah, DMX’s old favorite player. Hope someone took over his fantasy team, Refsnyder’s Anthem, and his job commencing his league’s draft with Stop, drop, shut ’em down, open up shop.

Jesus Sanchez – He has more steals already than at any full season of his career, so I commend whoever said to him, “Play this year like you roster yourself in fantasy.”

Jo Adell – Same story as Sanchez with the steals for Adell. Then when you consider Rengifo’s steals, you have to shake Ron Washington’s hand. As soon as he’s done rubbing his gums.

Parker Meadows – His profile is tantalizing — 25 homers, 35 steals? Possible! — Also, he might hit .150.

Brent Rooker – He leads all outfielders in homers for the last week, and in the majors only trails d’Arnaud. Not Trails d’Arnaud, he’s a cousin no one talks about.

Trevor Larnach – He’s hitting cleanup and has power, so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt: Twins have more hitting prospects that are 50-grade or better that didn’t pan out than any team I can remember. Just an obscene number of supposedly good bats.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – Just gave you my Pete Crow-Armstrong fantasy. Oh, by the way, the Cubs’ bottom of the lineup is, “Here we go, Crow…here we go, Crow…so whatsa whatsa whatsa Canario?”

Mark Canha – He who laughs last Canha’s the longest, but the person who Canha’s the longest on their fantasy team laughs the least.

Andrew McCutchen – Been hot and you better grab him fast before McCutchen is McClutchin’ his knee or back or shoulder.

Andy Pages – There’s an insane number of outfielders to pick up (and very few corner infielders). Pages and Pages of them.

Jose Soriano – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Jiffy Lube.

Cole Irvin – This is also a Streamonator call. “I need my tires and nipples rotated.”

Jason Adam – With Fairbanks out, the Rays could go to Adam. They also might go to roughly seven other relievers.

Hector Neris – Hoping Adbert gets the job back for my own teams, so there’s some confirmation bias here, but I still think Adbert is going to end up with the most saves on the North Side of Chi-town. Neris or Mark Leiter Jr. could temporarily (hopefully) get saves.

Trevor Megill – Mentioned this on the podcast the other day (and this morning), but Payamps went for over $100 in FAAB in one of my leagues (out of $1000, but still). If this were the 1st week of the season, I could see it, but that’s some “Charlie Brown and Brewers’ closers are Lucy pulling the football away” shizz. How many weeks in a row is it now that the very-possibly-drunk Pat Murphy has changed closers? Every week? Any hoo! Megill looks like he might get saves now. Until he doesn’t.

Andrew Kittredge – This guy is the number one reason why if you’re in a Holds league, you may as well draft no one, then look to see who’s emerging in April, and pick them up. Number two reason is trans fat. It’s 99.9999999999% the first reason. Scientists just can’t rule out the 2nd reason.

SELL

Corey Seager – I nearly put Goldschmidt and Arenado here, and you can consider them sells if you like, and, if you can travel back a year, maybe you can sell them. Corey Seager, how’sever, I think you might still be able to get draft day value. He’s been playing “full” MLB seasons since 2016. I will take out 2020, because that wasn’t his fault (or so he says!), and Seager averages: 22 HRs, 2 SBs and .288 a year. WOOF! I’m only sorry that caps was as loud as I could get. I wanted to woof even louder. He’s basically Will Smith. He’s essentially Josh Naylor with less power. He’s Ryan Mountcastle with ten points on average! I wouldn’t trade Seager for a two-for-one Blockbuster rental coupon but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.

Corbin Carroll – Usually only do one Sell per week, because the Sells are taxing on my soul. I say Sell, then they hit a home run or throw a good game and people are like, “I thought he was a Sell? You moron!” Which, ya know, fair, but this means to Sell them for their value because I think they’ll be worth less going forward than you paid. Also, I’m not saying give them away for free. I’m doing two this week because I think Corbin Carroll is an emergency sell before people start to realize how bad he’s been. He was moved down to the 7-hole the other day vs. a righty –Kyle Gibson! — and that came after he was benched the day before. This all comes after his shoulder issues last year. And that “this all comes after” came after me seeing:

No, that is not Tim Anderson’s. His looks much better. I wouldn’t sell Corbin Carroll for an scuba expedition in your bathtub, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.