Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game. On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead. On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer. On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes. On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel. On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man. If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him. I still think Downs is in the mix. Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury. Chubby Checker just shuddered.
Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon! If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars! If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey! Oh, and I like Lucroy.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38. Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.
Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way). Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose. If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA. What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts? Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission. In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do. Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter. Then from the side, he looks like a 2. Get another nose job, man!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.
Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay. Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined. I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.
Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72. On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park? That’s Millwood. I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to. I never said it was pithy.” And that’s me quoting me! Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09. Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37. Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29. For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.
Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues. Grey Albright: The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.
Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer. He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato. Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r. Ouch! Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.
Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15. Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”
Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer. I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today. Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run. Yay! Then he went 0-for-a-week. Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.
Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.
Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal. I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell. We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.
Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out. His average is down to .238. Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.
Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre. I wonder if they video chat. “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.” And they talk about needles and shizz. On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude. Is that gay? There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is. But is it? I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me. Matter of fact, I prefer it that way. Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good. And…tangent! So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return. He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s. The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him. His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired. Now he’s good? I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.
Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday. How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total? Jesus Monterochrist!
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte). This proves my theory. All some players need is me berating them. Now, get it, Hosmer. Get it!
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday. I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it. With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned. If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.
Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday. Ten more than Pujols. Cust crazy.
Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup. After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card. He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton. When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper. When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes. When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing. When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup. So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.” When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom. He seared his image on my retinas! Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents? Nah. But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.
Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle. He was this week’s Creeper.
Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER. Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start? Probably the latter. FMFBBL.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats. After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3. Figure out your batting average now, punk!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins. Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours. I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much. Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks. After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him. Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress. Eh, what fun is that? Fantasy Baseball: When there’s not enough stress in my real life.
Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer. He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.
Alex Rios – Homered last night. If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him. That’s why. No other reason.
Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Guess what Wandy’s ERA is. Don’t Google it. Guess. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger* His ERA is 2.14!
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around. Definitely would watch him.
J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer. That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.
Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs. Holy sit!
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners. He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Torii Hunter – Should return early next week. I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.
