Well, there’s one schmohawk post I don’t have to write, right? Stutterer! Yu Darvish left a game the other day with a tight triceps. That’s what the she-dinosaur said! Huh? Then, this past weekend, it was announced he’s a candidate for Tommy John surgery. Stop sullying the word candidate with your surgery, Tommy John! I wonder if the whole -san suffix for names like Daniel-san gets confusing with Tommy John. Thomson John? Tommy Johnson? Thomson Johnson? It’s no secret that I didn’t like Darvish coming into this year. For my foray into pannin’ Asian, too much risk was attached to his arm for where people were drafting him. His NFBC ADP was 43 prior to this news, so you had to start thinking about him in the 3rd round. No thanks, Yu, I said. Of course, when I told you in my top 40 starters post to avoid him, I was beat up in the comments for losing my way. Yu was the greatest pitcher since sliced bread that had a portrait of Hello Kitty on it! Don’t Yu know, Grey?! Yu can strike out so many something-somethings that you should want to bear his children, then one day shout at him in divorce court, “These are all Yus!” I had Yu in a tier named, “Not touching them with a nine-foot pole that has twelve one-inch straws taped to its end.” One person in the comments on the top 40 starters said, “Phil Hughes ranked above Darvish, I’ve seen everything now.” Then there was someone else arguing for Darvish’s dignity like they fought with Darvish in The Great War. I don’t want to say I told you so, but I’m saying I told you so by saying I don’t want to say I told you so. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Hunter Pence – For those that can’t get enough of 90’s pop references think of this blurb as Sick Pence None The Richer. For those that enjoy 80’s pop references, These Broken Wings…Of The Gangly Manbird. For those that enjoy 70’s pop references, Le Freak, Goodbye Playing Game Streak. For those in the 60’s frame of mind, I Want To Hold Your Hand (To Help Support Your Forearm). Feeling that 50’s groove, Whole Lotta Fracturin’ Goin’ On. Want some 40’s? Well, I don’t know anything from the 1940’s. Just think, you only have to wait 70 years from now to forget about Kanye. Luckily, you don’t need to wait as long for Pence to return from his fractured forearm. The Giants are saying he’ll be back in 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve lowered Pence into my top 40 outfielders and adjusted him in the top 400.
Matt Harvey – Threw 99 MPH on Friday, then posed for a Mets poster titled, “Please Give Mets Fans Something To Be Excited About.” Harvey’s got more fantasies pinned to him than Harvey, the giant rabbit. Harvey’s in the same tier in my top 40 starters that Darvish was in. Yes, Harvey could be good, but I don’t like the risk involved to find out. You either have to draft Harvey as your first starter and really hang your cojones in the wind, praying your #1 SP works out, or you have to double up on Harvey as your early #2 SP and then if he works out you have too much pitching. So, the only way Harvey makes sense this year is if you go with the windy cojones option, and there’s just too much risk for my tastes with Harvey as a number one this year. By the by, whatever happened to The Counting Crows? I used to love their song, Mr. Cojones.
Brett Cecil – Left a game the other day with shoulder soreness. Blue Jays are saying it’s nothing. The funny thing (not funny) about shoulder soreness for a pitcher is “It’s nothing” until “It’s…Aaron Sanchez is now our closer.”
Josh Reddick – Sidelined with a strained oblique. With a name like Reddick, that strain could’ve been worse! I’m not moving him yet in the rankings, because it sounds like he should be fine for the start of the season or shortly after.
Cliff Lee – MRI on his elbow showed mild irritation. Sounds great! Dot dot dot. The Phils are just sending the MRI results to Dr. James Andrews for a 2nd opinion. Dah dah DAH! Dramatic Prairie Dog slam cut! The Adverb is in the same boat as Darvish. I couldn’t be more clear than in the top 60 starters when I said something like ‘Lee won’t be on any of my teams.’ And that’s me paraphrasing me! I also go over The Adverb more on today’s podcast that’s coming in a few hours. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Jose Iglesias – Limped off the field after taking a ball off his shin in batting practice. Is it me or does Iglesias have a giant injury magnet hovering over his head?
Drew Smyly – Has mild shoulder tendinitis. Unlike Lee/Darvish, Smyly does sound like he’ll be okay. Maybe it’s that cheery attitude Smyly has. If the news gets worse on Smyly, I’ll move him in my rankings at that point. By the by, Lee/Darvish was great in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
Lance Lynn – Basically, pitchers shouldn’t even go to spring training. Lynn has a strained hip flexor and could be sidelined a while. At least that’s what WebMD tells me. Or it’s gout. WebMD wasn’t clear on that. When the Cards announce a timetable for Lynn, I will lower him in my rankings.
Rusney Castillo – He said his oblique is feeling better. He also said it’s not at all coincidental that he’s feeling better right after it was announced that Betts had the lead on the center field job.
Mike Minor – Headed to see Dr. James Andrews. You know that joke that there’s so many Starbucks in New York City that a Starbucks just opened in the bathroom of another Starbucks? Well, in that vein, Dr. James Andrews is making so much money from pitching injuries that he just installed a smaller jacuzzi inside his other jacuzzi.