Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny. It’s the bullpens, ya’ll. Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league. That’s a true story in opposite world. On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad. On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first. He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September. Mark my words! But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)
