The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson
(+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos
(+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

  1. AL KOHOLIC says:

    would you rather roster fuentes thinking bailey could reinjure or rodney for saves

  2. ThE sHiT says:

    I have Wieters and Napoli is available. Make the switch or just stick with Wieters?

  3. the grate one says:

    do you think kuo or brox gets the role when they come bacK? or is it still going to be one of these schmohawks

  4. the grate one says:

    oops…also, worth it to trade salas/sanches (in case they trade for heath bell or someone) and upgrade to a true donkeycorn? orr???

  5. Joe says:

    is Guerrier worth an add?

  6. John Drunks says:

    hey grey, which swap do you like better? i need whip / era help more than Ks.

    nolasco for ethier OR Tim Hudson for Vlad.

  7. mc serch says:

    We starting Lilly tonight ag. the Rox? Already have Kennedy, Anibel and Bedard going….

  8. Mhfella says:

    Hi Grey,
    I have room to add a closer in waiting on spec, and also hopefully get some era, whip and occasionally a win. Who do you like best in that regard: Loe, Adams, Romo, Lindstrom or E. Sanchez? I’m ready to roll the dice. Baby needs new shoes! Thanks!

  9. Jim says:

    Adams is great for ERA and WHIP without closing, and he is likely to get the job over Gregerson if Bell is rung.

  10. ABell says:

    is it time to drop ian desmond yet? aybar is on waivers beckoning me.

  11. Exactly says:

    walden and (pineiro or narveson) for cain?

  12. pjtres says:

    grey, i saw your (above post). you dont think mike dunn gets next opp if leo nunez falters?

    i saw hensley/mujica on your list, but not dunn.

  13. Professor Chaos says:

    Hi Grey,
    Should I give up Zobrist for Ubaldo straight up? Thanks!

  14. slam says:

    Would you take Tommy Hanson for Kelly Johnson?

    I have reyes, eric young jr, and could pick up espinosa or raburn to replace.

    My current starters are Cueto, Gallardo, Felix, Hellickson, Billingsley, Lewis, Zimmerman and Dempster…..era and whip have been terrible all year- been swapping out and spot starting a lot.

  15. slam says:

    also Avila or Napoli?

  16. I hate holding two catches but that is what I am doing now…Got Posada and Lucroy with Ianetta about to be availble off Waivers. Which one of these three would you go with?

    I know Posada should be last at this point, but I am having a hard time convincing myself to drop him…and I hate the Yanks.

  17. Feeding the Abscess

    Travis says:

    Real life trade that would work wonders for fantasy, too:

    Napoli and Borbon to the Padres for Heath Bell and Will Venable. Venable is markedly better than CarGo on the road (seriously, I’m not making it up. Look it up on fangraphs), Napoli would get to play 1B every day and hit in a park that’s fair on RHB, and the Rangers could figure out what’s going on with Feliz (or stretch him out and make him a starter. Like they should). Hamilton and Cruz would get to play DH more frequently with Venable in the OF, too.

    Only losers are Feliz/Bell owners, but… SAGNOF. Feliz owners have been losers this season anyway, so… yeah.

  18. matt says:

    drop jason bourgeois for eric young jr?

  19. cincinasty says:

    What do you think of this trade?

    Rickie Weeks and Gio Gonzalez for
    Ryan Zimmerman and Kelley Johnson

  20. Vince says:

    12 teams, H2H, 5×5, Non keeper

    C: Montero
    1B: Cabrera
    2B: Phillips
    SS: Andrus
    3B: Youkilis
    OF: J-Up
    OF: Pence
    OF: Rasmus
    Util: Trumbo
    Bench: Kelly Johnson, Lind (DL)

    Grey, seeing that I have Johnson on my bench, would you trade Phillips + Trumbo for Fielder?

  21. Fletch says:

    @Grey: Sabathia or Marcum AND Gaby for Pujols?

  22. Moses says:

    Offered Tulo/Nolasco/Torii Hunter, for My Kershaw/Rasmus/Rollins.

    Would you accept?

  23. Stophe says:

    Start Greinke in Cincy? Smells funny.

  24. Will says:

    which is a more fair trade…
    crawford and uehera for braun or kemp or j. upton???

    I have crawford and uehera. this league has a games started limit and closers are very valuable.

  25. Shin Soo Choo-Choo says:

    Need AVG, OBP, HR, not so much steals be they’re nice.

    Please rank EY Jr, Allen Craig, Tony Campana, Aviles, Espinosa

  26. Shmorgie S. Board says:

    Drop Contreras, Dotel, or Guerrier?

  27. Fletch says:

    Bumgarner or Fister?

  28. Rob says:

    So when Soto went on DL in two leagues I picked up Arencibia and one other league Iannetta. Now that he is off, I am thinking about pitching Soto and keeping both in the three leagues. Thoughts. In one league I have bench space that I might keep both.

  29. artie says:

    Has anyone heard an update on David Wright’s DL stint? I can’t find anything and was thinking buy low….

  30. AL KOHOLIC says:

    ike davis out 3 more weeks,surprise

  31. AL KOHOLIC says:

    News/Analysis Headlines Preseason Outlook
    Wright to meet with doctor: reports Mets 3B David Wright will visit a doctor this week to get his fractured lower back examined. He said Sunday at that point he should have a better idea of when he can resume baseball activities. Wright, who is working on core-strengthening exercises, said his injury is feeling better. “The stuff I’m doing right now doesn’t bother it,” Wright said. “Hopefully we can ramp up the intensity as we go along.”
    (Updated 05/29/2011)
    Injury Report
    Back – 15-day DL. Out until at least early June
    (Updated – 5/18/11)
    Fantasy Analysis
    The initial report is that Wright would miss 4-6 weeks, so he still has some healing to do before returning to the lineup. He was hitting just .205 in 23 games after hurting his back on April 19, but we all know the type of player Wright can be when at 100 percent. That is why he is worth stashing in all Fantasy formats.

  32. TomtheBod says:

    Would you dump either Eric Young Jr. or Aaron Hill for Brett Lawrie? EY is going to steal a shizz-ton of bases but that’s about all you’re looking at from him. Lawrie seems more of a 5-tool player, but not sure if his minor league numbers will translate.

  33. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Berkman playing 1B tonight; Pujols 3B.

  34. Daniel says:

    ethier or gaby sanchez. in need of a 1b. 20 team keeper league. thanks

  35. McBainus says:

    @Grey: I have Anibal Sanchez and Ian Kennedy pitching – at Arizona. Start them both? Both pitchers are on a roll, but so is Arizona’s offense.

  36. Flunkie says:

    If Pujols gets 3B eligibility, oh buddy..

    Quick question! Start two of the three tonight: Trumbo vs. Francis, Miranda vs. Anibal, Belt vs. Carpenter.

  37. Fletch says:

    Trying to get Pujols for Ogando, Cruz and Gaby…hope he bites as he has several needs.

  38. AL KOHOLIC says:

    mcclellan to dl

  39. FuzzyD says:

    Need power in a deep OBP league….swap Beckham for Napoli? I’d play him at CI with Soto on my roster too…got plenty of 2bs…

  40. chunk says:

    Is there an easy way to find out a team’s record based on start time of the game? My loser brother is saying the yankees (almost) never win in games that start at 10pm or later. I think he’s full of shit.

  41. Wilsonian says:

    Speaking of injured players…anyone heard a tentative ETA for Heyward? I’ve heard no structural damage, just inflammation, but that’s all I’ve heard.

  42. Joe B says:

    @Grey: I just got offered M Scherzer for J Lucroy (I also own G Soto). I know that is a generous offer, but I’d like to snag T Hanson off his hands instead though… what pitcher would you add to Lucroy to make it fair? At most I would give him GioGonz, but I also have M Pineda, S Baker, and R Dempster to offer up.

  43. Zeke says:

    Would you start shopping K-Rod or would you hold on and see what happens? I assume your Heath Bell scenario can be applied to him too. I don’t really have much to fall back on long-term if I deal him (Melancon, League=yuck).

  44. Eddy says:

    Oh, and happy June 1st Eve, everyone.

    Hopefully we see Lawrie within a day or two!

  45. Flunkie says:

    Hopefully Lawrie falls flat on his face! :)

    (waited too long on him, and a good friend is rubbing it in my face that he got him, so I want him to fail miserably just in spite of said friend)

  46. Doog says:

    Dynasty points league — Bautista for Lincecum and Stanton?

  47. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Wilner said that AA (GM) told him his philosophy is to debut hyped prospects on the road, so Friday it is.

  48. Trevor

    tggq21 says:

    ughhh… Holliday a late scratch with a tweaked quad… figures

  49. Mr. Neutron says:

    Lawrie or Mini-Donkey? Or keep both and drop Morrison?

  50. AL KOHOLIC says:

    really thought i solidified my pitching staff by adding greinke and ubaldo for marmol and hosmer,greinke getting lucky tonight,the reds have hit everything hard

  51. chata says:

    i didn’t have the ballz to start him (his 1st time in fenway) ,
    but i’m rooting for humber .

    let’s see how much poise he really has .
    (though , at this point , i can see at least 3 other starters in that
    rotation of 6 that i would send to the bullpen before him , if i was
    ozzie) .

  52. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Morrow 5 Ks thru 2 innings. Grady had 3B stolen for his 1st SB, but fouled off.

  53. chata says:

    defensively , raburn may be worse than clowny .

  54. Steve says:

    F****** Scherzer, he does know he’s pitching against the Twins, right?

  55. aj says:

    who should i stash? I need steals.
    Bourgeois, Belt, campana

  56. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    The Red Sox just announced that Saturday’s game, June 4th, will start at 1:00 PM EDT instead of 7 PM EDT. The evening game would conflict with the Bruins game, so the Red Sox moved it at the request of fans.


  57. Steve says:

    Grabbed Dickey today (snigger).

    Feels good.

  58. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Well, I give up. Can’t explain it more clearly than that.

  59. Tom Emanski says:

    Is Mike Minor for sure going back down after this start? I need to know if I can pick up his replacement.

  60. Steve says:

    Come on Minor – double play, please.

  61. the grate one says:

    grey, whatchu thinking of this alex cobb kid? worth an add?

  62. Steve says:

    Joyce is choice.

  63. Steve says:


  64. Mike says:

    Which side would you want in a trade, Ryan Howard or Kimbrel/Erick Aybar/Lohse/Stubbs?

  65. Steve says:

    Could the Cards jump all over Vogelsong already?

  66. Dominic says:

    whatcha think, Reimold or Willingham?

  67. Fletch says:


  68. Exactly says:

    I liked morneau better when he sucked.

  69. Wilsonian says:

    Bit of a ticker tease for Mr. Fielder. 6 runs for the Crew, he’s 0-1 with nuttin else.

  70. Exactly says:

    hey Grey:

    Lyles or Nicasio?

    Uehara, Lyon or Kuo?

  71. Tom Emanski says:

    Grey, can you rank Maholm, Harrison, Gee, Nicasio, Hammel. Emphasis on QS but it’s also a K/9 league.

  72. LMack says:

    Own Scherzer and Morneau. Mixed feelings, need a W from Mad Max but ish happens.

    Still trying to sell Morneau?

  73. herschel says:

    mush max….yuck.

  74. Tom Emanski says:

    Why did I wait until today to pick up Lyles! Now I have to think up dumb reasons for why I didn’t need him anyway.

  75. Commish Cauda says:


    K=-1, BB=1

    Buy low on Adam Dunn with Carlos Pena? Pena is playing about as good as he’s gonna, but Dunn has got to rebound, right?

  76. Commish Cauda says:

    another quickie….H2H-POINTS…K=-1, BB=1, SB=3

    Reimold or Nyjer Morgan?

  77. Vince says:

    12 teams, H2H, 5×5, Non keeper

    C: Montero
    1B: Cabrera
    2B: Phillips
    SS: Andrus
    3B: Youkilis
    OF: J-Up
    OF: Pence
    OF: Rasmus
    Util: Trumbo
    Bench: Kelly Johnson, Lind (DL)

    SP: Lester, Verlander, Scherzer, Liriano(DL), Latos, Lilly, Norris, Matusz
    RP: Walden, Farnsworth, Lidge (DL)

    Grey, I’ve just been offered Bruce and Romero for my Phillips and Lester… What do you think? Love Bruce but I’d hate to lose Lester, even though Romero has been better so far this season… So, take it or leave it?

  78. Cheese

    Cheese says:

    What’s the % chance we see Desmond Jennings called up tomorrow? If not tomorrow, when’s a realistic time to expect him?

  79. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Ryan Franklin strikes out the side in the 8th.

  80. Steve says:

    Double play please, Axford.

  81. Carl says:

    Just traded Rasmus/Kuroda for Marcum/Dempster

    My OF was too crowded and my pitching staff has been falling apart lately (thanks Max!)

    I did good?

  82. VinWins

    VinWins says:

    Bautista 3 hits to right tonight.

  83. chata says:

    belt can’t be much of a hitter (right now) as he got pinch-hit for by
    burriss with the game on the line vs the cardinals .
    burriss is a punch and judy type hitter whose major calling card is defense and speed .

  84. Steve says:

    Marmol. Good heavens.

  85. JRock says:

    Pts league where saves are worth WAY more than they should be, I’ve got Marmol (I’m cursing his name as I write this) and Bell, Valverde, and Putz are all available. Pick one up? Or roll with Marmol (he’s just not been getting the save opps)?

  86. elwood blues says:

    Lost my backup catcher in Doumit.. out at least 4 weeks with a fracture. (See Giants fans he can be just like Posey)
    anyway I need a catcher in my NL Only 4×4..

    My options (and with injuries to catchers ) there are not a lot of options:
    1- Pudge and hope he gets traded to Giants
    or 2- Navarro — who seems to be have been forgotten after his slump to start the year and now is hitting.. I know its not ideal.. but I need someone to get me thru this next month.

  87. Steve says:

    Kennedy all over the shop.

  88. Exactly says:

    Did C. Perez not come into a save opportunity?

  89. Howard says:

    @Grey If you were going after W, ERA and WHIP in a trade, who would you target: Lincecum, T Hanson, Anderson or Beckett?

  90. rvde says:

    Dumping Liriano (finally). Pick up Dempster, Holland, Lowe, Drabek or a random Holds schmo? Merci.

  91. Flunkie says:

    Figgins is getting a couple days rest to “clear his head.” I need runs. I’m tempted to drop him and pick up Theriot. Yes or no? No, “sure.” ;)

  92. jrthomasjr says:

    I’m thinking there is a #1 $12 Salad jinx. Did you see Marmol’s line tonight.

    C. Marmol P 23 PC, 0.1 INN, 5 HA, BBI, 6 ER, 162.000 ERA, 18.000 WHIP, L CHC 3 v HOU 7 (F)

    We got mar-mauled!!!

  93. Bobo Brazil says:

    Lawrie was HBP on the hand. Removed from game and having X-Rays.. :o(

  94. bulllllllllllll says:

    drop travis wood for daniel hudson

  95. bulllllllllllll says:

    drop travis wood for daniel hudson?????

  96. Exactly says:

    @steve: was hoping there was an obscure rule where if you give up a hit to bautista, then you get a save opp.

  97. bogbert says:

    Get home from a fun night out and saw Marmol’s line. @#%)&!

    Grey, which two of these WW options would you pick (first choice, second choice)? Thanks!

    Latos, Morrow, Dempster, MadBum, Kuroda, Cueto, and Lewis?

  98. chata says:

    guthrie @ bedard
    prolly not much interest to you fantasy baseballers .

    would love to sit down after the game and have a beer with
    those two guys .

  99. Eddy says:

    What am I doing wrong in this world? Why am I being punished with this Lawrie injury!? He was going to get called up on Friday for chrissake!

    I mean, c’mon!

    My opponent in H2H leaves on a cruise and entrusts me with his team. He told me to pick up a good reliever in place of Nathan. Sure, I’ll pick up Al Alberquerque. He’s amazing, but only pitched 1.2 innings in seven days prior to Monday. Oh, what’s that? You want to get wins on back to back days? Sure! But why don’t we hit 8 HRs for his team these past two days when the rest of the league has 3-4?! Better yet, let’s have six guys going twice this week. I even took Alfonso Soriano out of his lineup!

    I’m supposed to get good freaking karma on my teams!!!!

    But instead I get a black fucking cat walking in front of me before I entered my house 10 minutes ago!!

  100. Black Beard says:

    Colon and Soto for JJ?

  101. bobbo says:

    @Grey et al: Rank for the rest of the season – Nolasco, Jurrjens, Norris, Lilly, Liriano, Beachy, Danks, Dempster

  102. Alex says:

    Just checked my team and saw I had a trade offer of Marmol, Holliday, V-Mart for Putz, Granderson, Soto. I instantly accepted because I know I’m getting a great deal.

    Should this trade be reversed though? Was it too one-sided or does Granderson’s season warrant it acceptable?

  103. Tom Emanski says:

    Apparently Rizzo was hurt in retaliation for Lawrie. Wonderful.

  104. royce! says:

    Or, as they say, LITraLEE.

  105. Hans says:

    A proud day Sergio Santos is a donkey corn!!!!!!!

  106. Rank Stank says:

    Beltran for Garza. Which side do you take? Thanks for everything, Grey!

  107. royce! says:

    Okay, one more. Or maybe two.

    “Heading to Fresno today”

    next tweet…

    “Just arrived in Fresno #beastmode”

  108. B-rude says:

    @ Grey

    Now that we’ve seen Lyles would you drop Peavy, Norris, Masterson or Bedard for him?

  109. DJSatane says:

    Marmol’s epic-historic meltdown of 6 runs in 0.1ip should lower his value just a bit… no?

Comments are closed.