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Today we have a very special Game of Thrones edition with your host, Ball-less Greyjoy. Or, I guess since it’s a Buy, as in pick up off waivers, it’s a Game of Thrones addition. To prep for the Game of Thrones finale, I pushed a kid out a window. As I get into bed with Cougs, I yell, “The one-eyed raven is here and winter is coming!” This show better not end as a Bob Newhart dream or in a snow globe of an autistic boy. As Daenerys would say, “I just flew to King’s Landing and boy are my armies tired.” I wonder if Daenerys used to be Daenery but added the S on the end like Kendrys. Speaking of which, Kendrys Targaryen has no position flexibility, and is just rigid, due to the 75 years he’s been guarding a freakin’ wall. Why does he guard the wall? Because of the dreaded White Walkers. The Night King, head White Walker, is Christian Walker. Since Kendrys Targaryen unleashed his dragon and it ate a Lamb (then burped fire), Christian Walker could see more time on the other side of the dugout wall. He’s shown good pop (who doesn’t sleep with mom who is his sister) and I’m adding him in all leagues. He hit 30+ homers in Triple-A, during his last full season there. Hopefully, George RR Martin doesn’t stop doing his bend the knee burpees at a Westeros Fitness and kill him off. Spoiler Alert! Game of Thrones ends with Fonzie jumping over a dragon. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Willians Astudillo – Last week I told you to buy Astudillo, and that I would tell you to buy him every week until he is over 50% owned in ESPN. This week I’m saying…Well, I just said it, no?
Ryon Healy – On our Player Rater, Healy is a top 5 1st baseman (as of this writing, which was yesterday). That is sure to last like you exercising, unless that exercising is “running from responsibility.”
Ryan McMahon – In the preseason, I was pretty out on the McMahon/Hampson platoon, but, with Murphy’s injury, they’re both more appealing to me. Like when Cougs tried to make vegetables more appealing to me by calling broccoli “elf trees.”
Ronald Guzman – Don’t know if this is gonna happen, but I’m going for a 10 out of 10 on bold predictions, and Guzman’s my first.
Hanley Ramirez – So under-reported how Hanley was supposedly a drug kingpin last year, and then that story was just dropped like he was from the Sawx. As if that story wasn’t planted by Sawx just so they could release him. Or Han-Ram is the first guy to go from a bootleg episode of Narcos to the majors, though I might report Eduardo Escobar to Colombian authorities if he doesn’t start hitting.
Greg Bird – Similar shituation to McMahon/Hampson, I was out on Bird in the preseason because of the worry on playing time, but with the Yankees doing a live reenactment of MASH, Bird’s in. I guess that makes him a Hawkeye.
Rowdy Tellez – Dude, the cojones on the parents naming their kid, Rowdy, after they already had a badass last name. Somewhere, John Smith is like, “You couldn’t drop a Rowdy on my stupid ass?” Over the course of the season, Rowdy could have 25/5/.260. At least, that’s what his stats Tellez.
Jeff McNeil – This guy and Alonso have me suddenly yelling LGM like I’m on Mars and too rushed to scream, “Little green men!”
Brandon Lowe – Whereas I love McNeil, I’m more meh on Lowe than maybe I should be, because the Rays love them some platoons and I don’t trust Lowe vs. lefties (or to even face them — them being lefties, not Little Green Men — LGM!).
Wilmer Difo – Lil Jon’s fantasy team, “Turner’d Down For What?!” took a big hit, but Lil Jon knows that Difo has speed and is replacing Trea for time being.
Tyler Wade – Yankees went from not having room for LeMahieu, Gleyber and Migs Andujar to having room for Wade. *insert GIF of Michael Scott grimace face*
Jung Ho Kang – If you’re like me and have a breathalyzer, ignition lock on your mouse for late-night waiver pickups, it may seem antithetical to blow a .08 and pick up Kang, but he’s decent for some pop. Assuming that pop has rum in it.
Jorge Soler – Last year he was on his way to a breakout season, until he randomly hurt himself, so he should be owned in all leagues if you need him, i.e., stick Soler where the sun don’t shine on your team.
Dwight Smith Jr. – He’s a Quad-A player, but everyone on the Orioles is Quad-A players, so *raspberries lips* Dwight has 12/12/.250 potential, which makes him an AL-Only grab.
Clint Frazier – See what I said 3 inches above for Wade. Or five inches above if a girl is reading. Rawr.
Socrates Brito – My autocorrect keeps wanting me to write Socrates Burrito, which brings me to…HELLO SHARKS, my idea is Chipotle, but the burritos are served in mini togas!
Matt Shoemaker – The Cobbler was a guy who I inadvertently liked this preseason, by which I mean I had him ranked way higher than anyone else, because I figured if he was healthy (which he is/was), then he could have a sneaky valuable year.
Freddy Peralta – Just gave you my Freddy Peralta fantasy, and I could’ve listed Matthew Boyd here and I just did, so snaps I’m your daddy.
Matt Moore – The Streamonator loves Moore on Saturday, like it loves to listen to Mr. Roboto at 16 rpm so it sounds depressing and stretched to 200% of its original length.
Ivan Nova – His next start is another Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its local morning radio show to chat. Streamonator is so sad!
A.J. Minter – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have a nice scroll.
Greg Holland – So annoyed that I didn’t draft this guy and Derek Holland for the Double Dutch fantasy team name. Millze gillzot sillzomebillzody plillzays dillzouble dillzzutch!
Anthony Swarzak – Appears to be the M’s closer while Strickland is out, and Strickland might not regain the job when he returns. That depends on what Swarzak does. Or, honestly, it might not depend on that, if Major League bullpens have taught us anything, we know nothing.
SELL
Chris Sale – Recently, Chris Sale went to a carnival with his niece, Chrissie Sale. Chrissie asked Unkie Chris to win her a Pikachu plushie on the radar gun game. All Chris had to do for Chrissie and that plushie was throw 90 MPH. No sweat, right? After two 100-pitch games of failing to get that plushie, Chrissie gave it a try and won the plushie on the first try. Chrissie takes after a pre-2019 Chris, apparently. Sale had a lackluster velocity last April, so I’m not sure he’s donezo, but rather than chancing it, I could see trading him away. Just went to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer (this tool is free — hehe, I said tool) to see what kind of Sale trade I could make, and I came up with Greyberto Mondesi and Eugenio Suarez. Can you pull that off? Don’t know, but you can try that and all kinds of other trades! That’s not to say I would trade Chris Sale for a half-eaten burrito from this new trendy fast-casual restaurant, Socrates Burrito.
